A month ago I found out about my 25-year old wife of 15 months having an affair while on vacation in her home country (she's now back in the US).

I confronted her with a Plan A/Plan B strategy. She agreed to Plan A. The separation with the other guy is absolute (6,000 miles apart), I monitor her email and phone conversations. I also spoke with the other guy, and am confident now he won't be a problem again. So far, things are progressing well.

Now, to complicate things, my wife just got a job offer of her young life, and even I can see it as a one-of-a-kind opportunity for her career. Problem is, this job will move her to the East Coast (we're on the West Coast right now) for about a year, so our marriage will become a long-distance relationship for several months (I can't move there because of my job and certain support obligations to my parents). We have no kids, though.

I see this as a major deal-breaker for Plan A, even though technically it has nothing to do with the affair. I need her here, supporting me, my parents (my mother, who lives locally, has been recently diagnosed with cancer), and working on restoring our marriage per Plan A she agreed to. To me, sacrificing her once-in-a-lifetime career opportunity is the price she has to pay for breaking my trust by having an affair.

To her, I imagine, I am seen as an angry, controlling husband who has no regard for her career aspirations and her need for an independent identity. She's lost her parents at an early age, so the whole issue of support obligations to MY parents is difficult for her to deal with. She's friendly with my Mom, but probably doesn't see herself obligated to stick around and see the cancer saga through.

As for the move to another city, my wife says she loves me, and will make every effort to maintain the relationship. She points to the fact that we had a long-distance romance for about a year, and it was the most intense love story (I actually agree). She says she needs this high-profile assignment on her resume, as her initially promising career took a dive after she abandoned everything and came to the US with me (somewhat true). Since she would be getting a significant income boost, she promised to funnel excess funds towards my Mom’s medical bills.

However, after her recent affair, I have major trust issues about allowing my wife to take a job in a city 2,000 miles away, even though there’s no chance the other guy will ever try to join her there. So…if she decides to accept this job offer, I want to push Plan B right away and also file for a legal separation. I am not prepared to go the divorce route right now, given all other things happening in my life.

However, should we work out our problems and stay together, I am concerned about the lifetime of resentment I can bring upon myself by forcing her to abandon her dream job. I don’t want to be blamed forever for failures she will inevitably connect to not having this opportunity available to her.

How do I negotiate an acceptable compromise here? Does all this sound logical to you, or am I being too extreme? We’ve been to a marriage counselor, and she did state some concerns about my wife feeling totally dominated due to our recent move to the US, cultural adjustment issues, disparity in career, social status, etc. And, of course, as all victimized spouses, I want to be fair, but don’t feel I have to bend over backwards.

Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated.

I would have to say that her moving alone would be out of the question.
Yeah, it's probably going to seem like control to her. So you're in a tough situation.
I would try to talk as calmly to her about this as I could. If there had not been an affair, then things would be different. But there are consequences that go with things like affairs.
I get the impression that she hasn't taken her A as serious as it should be. It kind of sounds like it has been no big deal to her.
Putting myself in her shoes, I wouldn't even dream of taking a job that far away after hurting my spouse like that. I've never heard of a "once in a lifetime" type of job offer. If I'm good at what I do, the offers are always coming in.

As a BS who has a WS currently living out of state....don't let her do it.

First, you can not build trust this way.

Second, you need time together to rebuild your relationship.

Third, tempation is not something either one of you need.

I could probably go on, but it's 11 PM. You wouldn't be asking if you felt it wasn't an issue. Go with your gut. Ask her to put your marriage first. She can get another job. There is only one you.

My WH left. Just said he was going and went. If you can get her to stay, do it.

Sure there's a chance you could make it through another separation, but is the risk worth it. NOTHING should be worth it.

Thanks for advice.

The way I see it, I have four basic options here.

1. Send my WW back to her home country. This will terminate her East Coast job opportunity, return her to her familiar life and surroundings, and pretty much end our relationship. I would initiate divorce proceedings in this case.

2. Force/persuade her to stay with me in our current location. This also terminates her East Coast job opportunity, with a chilling effect on her career. I expect major resentment over this. Before we got married, we agreed on being a 2-career family. The way things are not going well for her here in the US career-wise, I am seeing a big cloud looming ahead in our marriage. Plus, she hates our current locale -- transatlantic relocation is not for everyone, I guess. However, I am not in a position to move anywhere right now due to the situation with my parents.

3. If she decides to take the job, push for Plan B-type cutoff in spousal benefits and initiate legal separation. The intent here would be to illustrate what she will lose by taking the job in another city.

4. Support her taking the job based on the premise of "set something free -- if it comes back, it is yours, if it doesn't, it never was". Divorce her if she doesn't come back, gain goodwill and negotiating leverage if she does. With my job, ailing mother, etc. it may actually lower my stress level somewhat to not have my wife around. If she fails in this high-level assignment, benefits of spousal support will be highlighted.

Obviously, I cannot make her stay. I don't have anyone to appeal to in order to "shame" her into staying. Her friends are all in another country. The only living relative is a grandmother who will literally die if she learns what her little granddaughter has been up to. Leverage I see is in threatening Plan B (loss of spousal benefits -- right now she's taking them for granted), pushing for legal separation (my wife doesn't want a divorce, and knows that LS is a pre-cursor to divorce). Going behind her back to effect the company's withdrawal of the job offer is too underhanded, IMO.

What else might I have in the negotiating arsenal that I am not noticing?

If you and your FWW can't POJA a solution to this situation then I regretably suggest that the two of you divorce. You've seen that your W was not able to keep her marital vows just 15 months after getting married and living with you under the same roof, now imagine living apart.

Hello sorry for your situation. I am a fww and my H is a fwwh. I am going to play a little devil's advocate here. PLEASE do not think of me as heartless at all.

I understand the cancer situation. I do not know the entire situation with your parents, so I am going to go on what I know from what you have said. My dad died five years ago from cancer. It is a terrible decease. I watched him go from a strong man who was always there for his family, to a run down skelitin of a man who would cry and say he did not want to die. He was 56 when he died. It was extremely hard. But one thing I did not do or tried not to do was put my life on hold to watch him die. My dad would not have wanted me to do that. As it was the stress I was under put a strain on my marriage. I believe it is harder for a man to see his parents especially mother go through this. I feel for you totally. What would your mother want you to do? Would she want you to lose your wife and put your life on hold for her? I myself do not get along with my mother in-law. She likes to control peoples lives and expects them to live the way she thinks they should. She basically manipulates. My H has finally seen this in her. I am not saying this is your mom at all.

I almost think your wife is so out of her eliment being here in this country and trying to make it. She needs your support also. She screwed up this is true, but why?? Was she lonely? Maybe eventhough you are with her, are you REALLY with her? Both wws and bs are at fault in some way for A to happen right?

I think you both need to decide who is more important. I TOTALLY understand the situation you are in. Parents love us all of our lives and take care of us. Should we not do the same for them? TUFF TUFF!!

I do agree that distance will not help, but hinder. You are both asking eachother to put happiness aside. I hope I do not upset you with the parent situation and what I said. I am not heartless.

Ann

Ann40, thanks for good observations.

My wife is indeed experiencing an adjustment difficulty after moving to the US. She moved here after we got married, because my career and parents were here. We agreed at the time this would be the life plan. She never lived outside of her home country prior to that.

At present, she states she doesn't see herself living long term at our current location. I am open to moving, provided my career and my parents' situation are taken into account and addressed properly. She HAS a career here, it's just that the East Coast opportunity would catapult her into a completely different level.

Yes, at this point a win-win solution seems unlikely. Looking at the 4 options I laid out in the previous post, which one makes most sense to you?

It is hard to chose. It makes me sad to think of any of them happening. I am actually crying now. I am having one of those ruff couple days myself.

I would go with option 4. Why? Well you love your wife right? You would want her to be happy. I don't think she is happy right now. I can't imagine being in a strange country and having no one but my H there for me. Not that he would not be enough, but it is hard to not have a support system. Co-works being friends don't count. I personally would probably chose my M over a job. But that is me. Your wife is trying to fit into this new world and I give her all the credit in the world. In a way you have to admire her determination.

Think of how you feel about your family and friends. Now put yourself in a different country and only having one person who is truely close to you. I think her A was possibly due to feeling lonely and being back home. Plus whatever other issues you two had. You may lose her, I hope you don't. But all 4 options may cause this. You make her stay, and she may be miserable because she is letting this promotion go. Option 1 is just your hurt feelings talking. She married you and stayed here for a reason...YOU. Option 2, well we can not force people to do things, especially our WS, this makes matters worse. Option 3 will make her feel you do not care. Option 4 unfortunately is best choice in my opinion. If she is going to make big money, how often can she fly home?

I would suggest sitting down, openning up, and telling her how you feel about the job, your family, and how much you really love her. I have realized so much about myself since d-day. I saw my mistakes towards my H and how I hurt him. I think in a way I drove him to his A. I hate saying that, but it is mostlikely true.

I wish you the best of luck. This goes for your M and your mom. I hate that decease. I miss my dad very much. I hope I helped. I will check back in later.

Ann

1coolguy,

I am much older, in fact I am probably older than your parents, although I am not sure that makes a difference. You suggest that your parents need you there right now. I will work on that assumption, rather than assuming that "want" you there now.

You have been married less than 2 years, and she has had an affair. You two are clearly too young to understand what a 2 career situation does to a marriage, although you are about to learn. Further, it seems clear that children are not a good idea any time soon.

Your concerns for your W's resentment are well founded. Your concerns for her lack of interest in living where you live now suggests a certain lack of flexibility on her part and are a MAJOR issue to come up.

Let me ask you how you found out about your W's affair. What talking to the OM could possibly have done, since he has no interest in your marriage or your happiness.

Let me ask you what your W has suggested for a solution that is concrete, other than just sending money.

Frankly given she has had an affair this early in the marriage, given that her focus is really on her career, given that she really does not like it here and prefers her home country (this will not get better by the way), given that you two don't have kids, and given that you have not given us all of the details, my inclination is to suggest you let her go and divorce. I see no merit in a separation as there will be no plan to reunite.

It is a sad thing but passionate romances eventually hit the realities of life, that is why most affairs fail, but it is also why marriages fail. So given the information and the circumstances I am with CoffeeMan. You two are too focused on your careers right now to be married, and further you both have outside issues. IN your case it is the health of your mother, and in her case it is that she is in a country without friends.

I hate to see marriages break up. It is the reason I continue to post here. However, even Harley points out that especially when there are no children, and when there is little history, it is a viable solution.

I look forward to further posts so that perhaps more information may be forthcoming and perhaps better suggestions can be made, but realistically this is not a good situation, it requires work from both of you, and you both supporting one another. This cannot be accomplished if you two are separated by many many miles and focusing on your careers.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Plan A and Plan B are plans YOU decide to use to end the affair. She really has no say in these other than to end the affair. Since the affair has ended neither plan is appropriate for you. However, No LB's and using the policies of radical honesty and Policy of Joint agreement are very viable to you.

I do think it is unreasonable for you to expect your W to help with your mothers care or even support it. I realize she is married to you, but really your mother is your mother. Your W may want to support her recovery and I am sure hopes that she does recover. But, you need her here to help your mother, seems to me placing more on her plate, especially when you two agreed to be a 2 career couple, than should be.

<small>[ October 24, 2004, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

JL, thanks for thoughtful advice.

To answer your questions, I found about my wife's affair by reading her instant messenger correspondence with a girlfriend she confides in. I also got independent confirmation by talking with the other guy.

"What talking to the OM could possibly have done"...he's out of the picture, period. It so happens that I have effective ways of making his life difficult where he lives, he clearly understands that and believes my wife is not worth such trouble. He cannot come to the US. Plus, my wife was very disappointed (understandably) when he spilled his guts under pressure and provided me with complete details of what she thought would have been taken to the grave.

"Let me ask you what your W has suggested for a solution that is concrete, other than just sending money." No legal separation, no divorce. Sworn fidelity. Two weekends per month, holidays and vacations to be spent with me. East Coast assignment to be limited to 12 months max. I have the right to "veto" it at any point past 3 months, if I can't deal with separation. She agrees to continued email and phone monitoring as anti-infidelity measures, although this does become somewhat meaningless if she's not here. 24/7 access by mobile phone. Accountability to my friends (a married couple) living in the area.

I look forward to hearing other ideas you might have.

I am smiling as I write this ...should I?

So I decided to show my beloved, as KTulu wrote, "the Attractive Package of Being Married to Me". Today is an anniversary of our romantic meeting overseas, so I reckoned I'd go for a romantic getaway. Meet some ENs, dissolve some LBs, relax, have fun, etc.

Asked my wife whether she was working today, received a quite intrigued "no, what are you up to?" response, went into the planning mode. Booked a bed & breakfast one-night package at a 5-star resort, complete with an oversize Jacuzzi, dazzling mountain/city lights view, big-screen TV, room service to die for, etc. Made reservations for dinner at a snobby restaurant there, invited my wife to join me for a sunset dinner (kept everything else hush-hush in order to surprise her). Everything else in the package was perfect: a thoughtful gift, a romantic card, showered at work, nice suit, the works!

Lights, camera, action!

I show up at the resort restaurant, my wife is already there, waiting for me (this happens once in a century). I look handsome, and she seems distraught. She goes to the restroom, and I stuff the gift and the card into her handbag. She comes back, we sit down, order some food. She opens the handbag, finds the gift, reads the card, smiles. I toast our marriage and start talking about my great getaway TONIGHT idea. She stops me right there by explaining that her TV network called in the morning and asked for a last-minute US election coverage story, and, even though she told them she'd take the day off, she just couldn't say no. So, she'd have dinner with me and then go to work in order to get a story out by 1 am (in time for am broadcast in her home country). "Thanks, darling, I'll be back very late and see you in the morning."

I sit there absolutely dumbfounded. Then I calmly try to explain the great significance of this particular day in our history and why I really wanted to spend the evening with her. In fact, I pissed off my very new boss by walking out of an executive meeting in order to get to my dinner date on time. She gets very defensive and says, "look, I am not a big shot at work, like you are, and people like me cannot afford to say no to high-profile assignments like this one".

When confronted with unpleasantries, I don't get angry, I get pensive. My wife calls this my "mafia don look". So, having detected the look, she tells me she is now upset that I am upset, so it's time to leave. She borrows my notebook computer and drives off to finish her story. I go home after finding out the resort would not return a penny for the honeymoon suite I rented. Congratulations, I just spent about a grand for a tasty small meal!

I get home to see she left it an absolute pig sty when she rushed off in the morning -- dirty dishes and her clothes everywhere! Further, I figure we'll owe about $20 in late fees because she didn't return Blockbuster DVDs (she promised me she would). For whatever reason, this pisses me off more than the honeymoon suite $$ hit. I wonder why.

Then I sit down and start laughing.

Are you having fun reading this?

JL, thanks for advice.

Lately, things have gone quiet. For some reason, my wife's company isn't pushing the job offer anymore. A few weeks ago it was, "we need you yesterday", now she can't get a hold of her contact. Interesting...

Emotionally, I feel very tired and strangely reconciled to the idea of her leaving, if she so wants. I am OK with the idea of divorcing her, with the idea of her going to the East Coast, and with the idea of her staying with me. I can't bring myself to feel passionate about seeing my point of view prevail. Is this kind of "post-DD fatigue" typical?

My wife told me something interesting a few days ago. Apparently, she had a series of dreams about me having sex with other women. Even though it was just a dream, she felt very hurt and jealous, and even asked me to not go on a real business trip! I wonder whether some type of "right" thinking is taking place in her head.

Secondly, she said she felt very hurt by my consistent refusal to engage in intercourse without a condom. I explained to her I didn't want to take any risks with pregnancy at this point and couldn't trust her emphatic claims that all of her PA sex was safe. She stated she couldn't really see our relationship surviving unless I started to trust her again. In response, I sent her a weblink on getting tested for STDs, and that had an unfortunate effect of setting off a big argument. Oh well, better safe than sorry.
I had the OM test himself and send me a copy of his (negative) test report, but those can be faked, I assume.

Finally, another interesting observation. My wife stated that, since I've been treating her with the same mix of impeccable politeness, tenderness and love post-DD as I did before, she couldn't see that I was deeply hurt inside. Basically, she felt I dealt with the infidelity issue "once and for all", and "moved on". She says she now can't understand why I would be bringing it up, even if she starts the conversation that somehow relates to it (e.g., safe sex). So, in essence, Plan A strategy (be the best spouse you can be, control LBs, meet ENs, etc.) in our case masks my true emotions and makes it difficult for my WW to understand the severity of her misdeed. Very revealing and surprising.

Now that we hit a "plateau" in our relationship recovery, what is the next step? I just feel too tired to do anything, plus cancer things with my Mom have been taking up time. All advice is appreciated, as usual.

A quick update. It's been about 2.5 months since D-Day, and I am starting to experience a delayed, but very potent bout of anger, which seems to sabotage a fairly successful Plan A in progress. I am not quite sure as to what might be helpful in stemming it, but would appreciate some advice.

Initially, the most hurtful aspect of an affair was the discovery of a grievous breach of trust. Then things settled down as I concentrated on Plan A and, later on, on the career opportunity my wife had in NYC. With the encouragement of many helpful posters, I started exploring the idea of letting my wife move there to pursue her career opportunity. Last week we went there together to look at possible compromise arrangements. Regretfully, this trip triggered a fit of visceral jealousy I never thought I was capable of. We are now fighting every day over this proposed move. My wife seems stunned to realize the depth of this delayed anger I had in me. I understand that, as far as LBs go, this is probably not helping anything. However, I seem unable to shake off the emotional impact of this delayed realization of other facets of the affair.

There were some things about this job opportunity that felt like red flags, perhaps undeservedly. Her prospective boss is a single guy, just a couple of years older than me. The primary editing studio is in his home. For some reason, this really set me on edge. I couldn't believe the avalanche of visual stuff involving the OM that was triggered by a simple conversation about work arrangements.

Now, what do I do? I feel anger and jealousy taking over. I am truly miserable and not in control of the situation. My wife is confused and surprised that I am reacting in such way. External situation is no better. Her job offer involving this move to NYC is supposed to be finalized this week. My Mom's second cancer surgery is the week after. I've got work problems piling up to the ceiling because I took time off to help my wife. I feel Plan A is unraveling.

Advice is appreciated, as always.

1coolguy,

Have you explained to your W about the triggers of her soon to be boss? Have you explained the stress you are feeling about your family and your job? Have you explained that at this point you do not trust her although you would like to?

Have you two talked about "plans" to protect this marriage and each other?

Have you sat down and thought about what is driving the anger? Is it pain, fear, frustration, etc? Think about this and start to address the driver for the anger, anger is a secondary emotion. It is not uncommon for the BS to have anger about now,usually it shows up about 6 months but there is no hard and fast time table.

Start talking with your W and explain things to her and ask her for help in making a plan that you BOTH agree to.

God Bless,

JL