I am not in a very good place today.

I am struggling with FWH's decision to pursue his new 'interest'-- photography. He has decided to go into sports-photojournalism for image banks, and takes on assignments every couple of weeks-- some weekends are spent at sports events-- motor races, equesterian shows, and this weekend, it's the triathalon (sp?) in our neighbouring country.

I feel insecure. I am certain these events will open doors for another A or an ONS. The motor races have girls with long hair, short skirts and boots-- I've seen many of such pictures he downloaded over the years. He loves them. I was with him at the equesterian show, and there are 16 year olds in their riding outfits, which I am sure he loves just as much.

I am totally saddened that he has not discussed with me regarding this. He just went ahead with this new pursuit. he says he is bored at work and he wants to go back to photojournalism. Plus, the assignments would earn him some money (very little, a couple of hundred per photographs if they are used). I've suggested to do food photography instead, as there is also a demand for that, but he is not interested.

I feel I have no say in this matter. I feel unimportant. I feel our marriage is unimportant. Although FWH constantly tells me he wants to return, we still live apart. We've been apart for 1.5 years now, after DDay.

I look at this man I've married. Before DDay, i would have been happy for his new interest, i would have supported it. BUT, now knowing his lies and being betrayed and having been used, I look at things differently. I have become selfish in protecting my own insecurity.

We fought last night and now he has gone... despite the fact that he could not afford this trip financially, he has gone. I am left here alone again, and all the old feelings of being left for the weekend while he is enjoying his A has come back and I feel crappy, and the only way to get out of this miserable state of confusion and hurt and anger is to get the papers signed.

I feel the loss of my marriage, but not the man. I've seen enough of his immature, selfish character. I've listened to too many lies, too many promises and seen little action to nurture this relationship.

I don't know what I should do next or how long more I should wait to get the D papers or not. I don't know how to move on. Sometimes I get suckered into continuing this relationship. Sometimes I get hurt all over again. I really don't know what to do now.