Just a brief rundown on my sitch...D-day was 3.5 wks ago. Initially WH said he would break things off with OW and try to work on things even though "it's not what I want," said he would try just for the sake of the kids. 2 weeks later, we had a talk about whether or not he had had C with her (they work for the same company (big company), same building, different depts) He said he had "seen her in passing" at work. I asked him if he could avoid her and he said, "I don't know if I WANT to avoid her." Then he talked about how he couldn't give me 100% committment to our M, didn't know if he'd ever get back his love and feelings for me, etc. (He's "not in love with me" anymore.) I told him the next day that if he could do NO CONTACT with her whatsoever, he could continue living here whether or not he was committing to our M, basically just wanted to make sure the A ends. My problem is that, how would I know if he had C or not? I could ask him, but geez...he's lied to me before. (The A lasted "about a year," he said.) His cell phone is through his company, so I can't access the records. He also has a company CC that I can't access the records for. And there's no way for me to monitor him all day every day at work. He knows that I found out about the A by checking his cell phone, so I'm sure he'd be careful about that, either not use it for C or erase evidence of calls. He also has a work e-mail addy that I can't check. Any ideas at all??? I'm so afraid of "cake eating." I REFUSE to allow him to live here if he has contact with OW. He knows that. BTW, OW is M also, but I haven't contacted her BH yet. I think in my sitch exposure might not be a good idea. My gut feeling is that if the A is exposed, WH will think, "What the heck...everyone knows...might as well do what I want then." He's all about "appearances" and what other people think about him. Yeah, yeah...I'm sure you're thinking what I'm thinking....he shouldn't have had an A if he didn't want anyone to know. Obviously he realizes it was WRONG if he's worried about people knowing. The night of D-day (I actually confronted him about 10:30 p.m. - woke him up to confront him) after we talked for a while, I went and met a friend for a drink. The next morning he asked "Is *best friend* the only one who knows?" I said yes because at the time that was true. I've told more of MY friends since then. But he said something to the effect of, "I guess now I'm the A-hole SOB." So anyway, I'm not sure if exposure would work in my favor or not. I'm pretty sure I want to tell OW's BH, though.

Hello SW.....

Your M situation sounds very similar to mine.

WH and OW work for a state agency, on the same floor, but different offices.

He supposedly broke up with OW for my BD (Oct. 7). He said he "sent" her a letter, and gave back her special adultery cell phones. She is divorced. He told me "it's killing her". How does he know? Plus, I have no proof of any of this, and he is not upfront with any info.

WH has a personal cell, work cell, desk phone, and a pager. I can access his voice mails on his cell phones, but not his desk phone, or his e-mail.

He moved out last Nov. to the town where he works (60 miles from home). His A has lasted 3 years. I found out around Mother's day this year when I contracted an STD from WH.

Have been doing a lot of snooping - that's how I found the cell phones OW gave WH. He's lied so much that I don't know when his IS telling the truth.

I guess I just mostly have to depend on my gut feelings about his actions. I've been Plan Aing for a long time. Plan B twice.

Now, my biggest problem is talking to him about NC. I have told him that contact is a deal breaker.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that you need to keep snooping, and trust your gut.

My WH has a completely different attitude when he is in contact with OW. For the past 3 years, he has treated me horribly. But when he contacts OW, his attitude changes towards me.

You and I need to keep our eyes and ears open. You will probably think of some other ways of finding out info along the way. I have gotten pretty inventive with this myself.

K

SufferingW: Weekends are sometimes slow around here. Feel free to bump your post if you don't get the responses you are looking for.

I will give you my thoughts. Exposure is key to stopping A's. Read up on the main page here about Plan A and all that. But the first key to recovering your M is getting your H to stop the A. The key to that is to strategically expose the A, get it out in the open so to speak so that they are not able to secretly continue. The OW's H is key to that.

Many people here have trouble exposing, they don't have "enough" proof or whatever. It's very important that you expose this to OW'sH as soon as you are able. Then he can determine if he wants to save his M or not. Of course there are many other things for you to work on at the same time though (did they have unprotected sex, do you need to get tested for STD's, etc.)

Good luck,
RH

SufferingW,

One way to find out if there is continued contact is to get an ally on the inside: OW's husband.

Call him. He should be told what his wife is up to. Yes, your husband will be angry. He might even leave. She might leave her husband, too. Then they'll have to meet each other's needs in the real world, not the fantasy world they secretly meet in now. That is often where these affairs implode.

It is a risk, for sure. But one worth taking.

You can try attaching a voice-recorded tape recorder under his car seat, too, in case he uses his cell in the car. You can always hire a private investigator, too. A pricey option but one that would be most likely to catch them "together" and give you irrefutable evidence.

But I'd say from what you have said here, there is still contact going on. He basically said he didn't want to end contact and he's spouting the ever-popular WS line of "I love you but I am not in love with you."

Hang in there. Others will pop up with helpful information. But I'd say start with OWs husband, TODAY.

~Snow

Hello SW....

Exposure is the key. My WH is totally ashamed of his actions, when it comes to our friends and family knowing.

Since exposure, he has not talked to much of anyone - because of his guilt.

Now that he is back home, he can hold up his head a little with our friends. Also, our children, who are grown. He's gone against everything that he ever stood for with his A.

OW's H is the best place to start. My WH's OW is divorced. He says her grown children knew about their A (he has even met them, he says), and they are FINE with it - yeah, go figure).

The A will not die unless it hits the light of day.

K

SufferingW,

There are a few ways to get information that I have used. I put a voice-activated tape recorder in my WW car. This is how I found out that they were in a PA -- not just an EA.

When I heard what I heard, I realized that I wasn't emotionally ready to hear their conversations. I got a GPS vehicle tracker. It was expensive (around $300), but it did a good job. She ended up finding it and I told her what it was -- I still want to maintain honesty.

The tracker can be hooked up to a computer (I used my laptop) to get the information. You can see exactly where they went... even how fast they were going there.

If you can't get into his car all the time, you could try putting a more expensive vehicle tracker in his car. It is a "real-time" tracker that you pay a subscription for. These are usually sold to track stollen vehicles, but can be used to keep tabs on teenagers and WS's.

Have a good week.

Well, I asked WH the other night if he had had any C with OW and he said, "in passing" at work. I reminded him that wasn't our agreement. Long story short, he's decided to move out. I have now told his sister (he doesn't know this yet, though) and she's TICKED. We have to figure out a way to get HIM to tell his mom (SIL wants HIM to be the one to tell her). I am going to call one of his co-workers that I know fairly well this morning. And today I will work on trying to call OWH. I'm not 100% sure of their addy/phone#. SIL already said, "He better not EVER try to bring her around our family!" I kinda figured OW would never be welcome with his family. Score one for BW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anyway, it's kind of a moot point right now whether I can prove NC or not since he's basically already separated in his mind, asked me, "Where do you want me to sleep until I move out?" (He needs to find an apt first.) Of course, I keep reminding him that we're STILL married and still will be even when he moves out.

We still haven't told the kids anything. I know WH is NOT looking forward to that. I told him he has to do it (of course, I'll be there too).