Well, as alot of you have read about the Thursday night....Deb who I thought was FWW? Is just acting crazy, like a person I don't know at times. Tonight from work...she was at work, but rarely works Sat, called and told me she was going to the mall with her....single 9 year younger....party girlfriend. This plus the fact she remembered getting a voice message from me...but "really can't recall what you said to me"...makes me think...the A or contact or ? hell...some kind of fog has hit. The 2nd. of Nov. will be 4 months since her return home and truely I feel we may of had 3 rough days...also I admit...my plan A has been too pushy and told her I've maybe applied too much pressure. She replied "no S--T". I asked her also of what time she would be home...the reply "I'm not sure...I'll phone you". This isn't the way to recovery...

Well, Deb told me this morning that she shouln't have came back. Not mean, not angry....crying like I, she says that she has been trying to be my wife, but she isn;t happy...she loves me, but not in the right way I need to be treated. She said this has'nt been fair to me and we need to split. For me to do what I need to do for me...divorce her if I need. Pray for us both.

I'm sorry Welder.

I had a feeling with her wanting to go to the bar that she wasn't quite ready to be your wife again.

I have no advice except stay strong and let her go if she needs to right now. "if you love someone, set them free..." She needs to run right now, but soon that may be out of her system.

Hopefully soon Gray, or another of the guys will be on and can talk with you.

(((((welderboy)))))

Hey...after a few hours of, "why do you love me?" and similar questions...and without me beggin or asking her...Deb says she can't leave me. She is just so, so confused and spent. I just read the Arks Plan A...thread. Maybe, the things that I can learn there will make for a more upbeat "BS" of me....and let a little love for me build in Deb. Is this kind of confusion common in WW's. I hope if anyone here has those kind of things happen to them please share. Peace.

Sounds very familiar, from my own experiences and that of so many others here.
Be guarded.
Does she know, and understand how much this flip-flopping and such is hurting you?

Thanks,TTSi...yes, she says that seeing me get shaken up, crying etc....kills her. Also, that she feels as if she should be alone...and has'nt had any contact with OM or any men...that she can't seem to leave me? That she is just so confused...I'm going to try to do a better plan A, with myself not looking for any thing in quick return. We just lounged around home today....and chilled out. She had just asked me..."do you think we can make this?", my answer was "of course".And TTSi, did you make it? Do you and W go to counceling? Thanks.

I wouldn't say we made it, no.
But I did hear stuff like that all the time, along with the flip-flopping during our few false recoveries.
One of the reasons I said to be guarded.
It's going to be a rough ride, even though it may feel like a lot of weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

TTSi...I read your story...my W left to find herself..."no one else etc." we seperated for 5 months with tons of contact. Daily calls etc., kind of like dating. Then I saw them together...still she said "just to dinner". Well enough of the past. When in June, I told her of my wants to divorce, althought I din't want it...she saw me slipping away, and wanted to forgive, which I have, she has had no known contact..but keeps being confused about her wants...she is 39 and really worried about becoming old. I find a big promblem in her wants to "run" to clubs with her 28 year old "partygirl" co-worker. W did admit the increase in problem of her life after this new job she has worked the last year and a half. Thanks and God Bless all. I also read your saga...man, I don't have it as bad as you! Sorry.

WB, I'm sorry I didn't get in here sooner, assuming my thoughts are any use to you.

I think Deb needs to see a counselor, because she seems very confused about her place in the world.

And I hope you realize that whenever you are the mopey old BS with the same hangups and bad habits, you give legitimacy to her doubts. She wonders if she can ever be happy in a relationship with you. You need to make her see that life with you can be wonderful and interesting and thrilling. If you just carry on, expecting her to "come around", she probably won't. You need to actively seek a new relationship with one another that satisfies both of you emotionally. I have the impression the two of you have not worked on that in a very pointed way. I can imagine why. I have a feeling that FWW tend to view that kind of approach as "forced", unnatural, artificial. Maybe Deb thinks that if your feelings for each other were what they should be, it would not be an effort to feel comfortable together.

But both of you have to accept that your brains are scrambled, and come to an agreement that you're going to stick together for a while no matter what you're feeling. And that you're going to try to find each other again, because that was the promise you made when you were hitched. And that it might feel strained, like not a good fit, for some time. And that it's natural to have that sense when your relationship has been put through a meat grinder.

GC

Wow, GC.I just read the 2nd paragraph of yours with tears in my eyes. As far of a committment, thats truely all I've been wanting, cause I know our love is so, so strong. And as for the counselor, I agree, and then a marriage coach. One thing I asked for when Deb came back was to get back to church together.Thanks again GC and all. PS...I just tucked Deb in bed, she had been "out" for most of the evening. She really sleeps a bunch in the last year?

Lots of sleeping is a sign of depression. I reckon she's fairly torn up. She doesn't want to abandon her M, but she doesn't feel like being in it.

Is she on any kind of ADs? They might be helpful to her.

I think as BS we can sometimes be so caught up in our WS doing the right thing that we forget they may be haunted by this very real feeling, this certainty that there is no way for the M to work. This certainty can probably be as strong as our feeling that it can work.

It's like we have these equal but opposite foggy feelings. Maybe a way to overcome the confusion and impasse they create is to try and take our impressions of our old M out of the question, and instead think about a truly new relationship. This way, the BS isn't just sitting there like a bump on a log, expecting the WS to come back to the old M, and the WS doesn't have to dread coming back to it. You and I may not consider our old M something for the WS to dread returning to, but too bad. That's how it is.

Sure, you can't change who you are, but who you are isn't the problem. After all, you were perfectly wonderful to each other once. You can be again, but you need to let go of your old routines and habits. I wonder if you've really done that.

So WB, my advice to you is not to just to tread water and expect her to jump in with you. She doesn't like the lake you're swimming in. Get out, take her hand, and go find a new place where you can swim together.

Swimming analogy? Sheesh, I am tired.

GC

GC...yep, the way you explain it ,about her feelings makes sense to me. As fo the AD's she has taken Prozac for maybe 2 or going on 3 years...she had the amount increased after starting the job take she does now. Currently she doing 60mg and has a Adavan or something like that (? spelling) for anxiety. Thanks again. I just got up....Deb said last night we may both stay home from work and do something fun.

Well, looks like we are heading to work...Deb remembered about a couple interns she had to get started nd she was the only one that knew what was going on. Bummer, but we did have a good evening, Sunday and prayed together this morning.
Man...I'll hang tough.

The saga...I didn't here from Deb until right before I left work today. She phoned and sounded bummed out...spent. I asked what was going on? and she said "I'm having those feelings again...maybe God didn't lead us into our marriage." Well, I stayed cool...telling her, that knowing her families pastor...Brother Bill wouldn't have married us when we asked him to. So...something....God lead me to Bill's home on my way from work...there I had a very good talk and prayer. The 1st thing after me telling my story was...Bill said "you truly have came a long way, men that would put up with all this are 1 in a 1000." Without this getting too long...he thought she should quit her job as soon as possible and let this all return to the Lord and he will fix things...how ever it turns out for me to remember...she needs to think of her vows before God and ask his help to bring it back. Amen!! Please folks pray for Debby. Love and Peace.

WB - I don't have any advice that you haven't already received, but I would like to offer you my support. There are probably a few very important life lessons in what is happening to you (all of us for that matter), make sure that you take time to learn what they are trying to teach you.

And yes I agree with you pastor, you are 1 in a 1000, but that is probably why Deb married you in the first place.

I will say a prayer for both Deb and youself. You hang in there big guy!!!

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 09:12 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Hey...Deb nad I had a big talk when she came home from work and visiting her Mom last night. She seemed fine....but a little confused, wanting to know if I truely loved her? This comes up often...after all this, why would she need proof of my love? She left me, while I was away for a weekend, had been having a EA or 1.5 years followed by a PA during the 5 month split and I forgive her...I thought that's alot of proof. Anyhow, she worked as manager on duty tonight but called me a few times and sent me a nice letter about her wanting to get right with the Lord and thanked me for loving her when she was un-lovable. I'd say the power of prayer is moving on her. Thanks.

Yep, you definitely don't have it as bad as I do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think she's doing a lot of what FWWs do, questioning why anyone could love her.
Keep showing her you do. Keep telling her you do.
I know it's difficult to do that, when a lot of the times you get nothing in return. But you will reap the benefits later on. Keep your eyes on the prize. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks a ton!!!

Well....yesterday was fine, phone calls from her...a e mail letter saying that she was going to work less and start back to church for her salvation. Then put things in order, the Lord, me, her family then her job. Today she calls me at work saying she has a class til 7 then her boss is wanting to take them to supper. I said wow...read the letter you sent me? I said go do what you want cause I'm the one that will be making a desicion. Anythoughts. I'm seeming to not have a marriage anyhow...she is never here.

Tonight's a different twist...she phoned me on her way home from work, Seems fine....and told me that her Mother had called and wanted her to stop and talk on the way home. I kind of feel at peace? and scared both...cause I've been praying for the Lord to show me....and think maybe the family pastor has spoke with either Debby's Mom or maybe he was going to be there to see Deb? I think a talk with her and Bro. Bill would be greatly God's plan. Prayers please...I know to forgive 7 times 70.