I am a FWH. I have had NC for about a month. Two monthes before that was D-Day. I told the OW I would have NC, but began calling her a week later because I was concerned. Anyway my BS found out about the ph. calls. I think I had convinced myself that if we were just talking on the phone, that the A was no longer going on. I didn't realize that I was still lying to her. Ya know, the more I talked with the OW, the more I realized that I didn't really care about her. Anyway, this put my BS and I back to squaer one. Since then I have had NC. My problem right now is that I lied to her for all the 9 months of the A. Honesty is VERY important to her, and I have found it to be something that does bring us closer together. Well, yesterday I lied to her--I deserve major 2x4s. It was a really stupid thing to do. She found out about it today, and is beside herself. I love only her, and want to save our marriage. It was the first lie in weeks, and I was a fool to do it. I had no reason to. What I lose far outstrips what I gain. Why do I keep lying, I don't want to. I just want to love my wonderful wife, and make her happy. I feel like I keep ruining everything.

Aren't you just upset that you got caught and anxious because you have to face the consequences? There are consequences to lying and you can't avoid them.

Why do you continue to choose to lie to her?

No, that is a logical asumption, though. What is bothering me is that I did it at all. It was a really stupid thing to do. I don't want to lie to her. It would have (as always) been much easier to tell her the truth. If my marriage is going to work I have to stop all lying. I fear that I have lied so much in my life that now I do it even when I don't want to. How is my wonderful BS going to ever trust me again? Thank you for replying, by the way.

Hi Juan,

IMO you should seek some Counseling for your problem. At first just go by yourself then integrate your wife into the sessions. You need to get to the bottom of why it is that you feel the need to conceal your actions. These types of actions are usually a device that our subconscious has created to cope with a childhood deficiency or trauma. Simply said you are compensating but why?

Good Luck, and let us know how you are doing. BTW can you get your W to post here? This site would be great support for her.

C.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sad Juan:
<strong> No, that is a logical asumption, though. What is bothering me is that I did it at all. It was a really stupid thing to do. I don't want to lie to her. It would have (as always) been much easier to tell her the truth. If my marriage is going to work I have to stop all lying. I fear that I have lied so much in my life that now I do it even when I don't want to. How is my wonderful BS going to ever trust me again? Thank you for replying, by the way. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off, Juan, you have to accept the truth that you, and only you, controls your lying. It should bother you very much that you lie, it is demeaning and degrading to yourself as a human being.

But it is not an affliction, it is a choice. If your life depended on telling the truth, I would betcha you would tell the truth. You do have full control over it. You have just got into the habit of lying and habits can be broken. The way I break habits is by developing new ones and practicing them one day at a time. Simple process but hard to do at first.

The only way your wife can trust you again is if you demonstrate trustworthiness over a long period of time.

San Juan,
My FWH and I had a similiar problem, and it took almost an act of God to figure out why his knee jerk reaction to everything is to lie. Like you said...in all of these occasions, there is no reason to lie..yet...the lies come tumbling out his mouth. Which he later regretted.

My FWH trouble was he is an only child... raised by a single domineering spanish mother. She controlled every facet of his life into his late 20's. In order for him to have a chance at ANY kind of life..he began lying to her. Lied about his whereabouts, to date..which was against the rules...lied about working late...to go out on the motorcycle with guy friends.

Lied..and lied and lied...for his own life....those habits...role into our lives daily. He struggles with it...daily...but uncovering the REASON your knee jerk reaction to lie..is the key.

get to digging..and good luck.

Wow. I can't thank you all enough for responding to my problem. My BS is the one who told me about MB. We were talking last night, and we sorta got to what might be the ground floor of when and why I started lying--yup, when I was a kid. I wanted everyone to think I was okay, and that everything was fine. Eventually, well, I am at where eventually got me. Worse, is that my wonderfulBS is in a really bad, hurt place, and I put her there. I just have to realize, stop the lying, and prove to her how much she means to me. She is all I care about. I feel terrible for what I have done to her.

So Juan, are you a good enough person in your own eyes?

Most people who lie about dumb things don't feel they are good enough unless they are lying... how about you?

Pep

You have quite a point there. I often don't feel like a good enough person in my own eyes. I know I have a few "issues." I don't want to lean on that sort of an explanation, though. A little pat for me. Maybe I don't want to face my past and my faults, and just get on with fixing who I am. Wow, did that sound stupid or what?!? Guess maybe I need some help. I know that if I lie anymore I will lose everything---my whole world really. My W is everything to me. She deserves the best I can be, and better, all the time. Sorry if it seems like I go on a bit. Thanx again for your kind words.

Juan...

Do you think the lies protect you from anything?

Pep

Juan,

A rule of thumb to live by is, if you are going to have to lie about it - don't do it.

Sounds simple, and it is but it takes some thought if it is not already ingrained in you. What Melody said about making it a habit is true. Habits are developed over time, by repetition. Pretty soon they are so ingrained that they become who you are.

So if it is not true, don't say it. If you will have to lie about it, don't do it.

This is called integrity!

Good luck Juan! This is what my ex fiance, now BF who I date is learning. Somewhere along the way he got in the habit of lying just like you, it doesn't mean you are less of a person than any other, just means you have work to do.


Meant what I said about good luck, and all the best to you.

You are getting good advice about lying. Bad habits are hard to break and we usually have some failures on our way to forming new good habits, so I'd like to give you some practical advice that might help you and your FBW in the meantime.

Whenever you lie just admit it right away, like one second after the lie leaves your lips. You could say something like Oh no dear wife, I just told you a lie; I don't know why I did it but don't believe it because it was a big fat lie!

I'll bet that your FBW will appreciate you for it.

Take care

I just showed your post to my FBW, and it gave her a chuckle. Thank you all for all your advice, and provoking thoughts. I will do my best for the love of my life. I cannot fail at this. Thank you again.

Sad Juan,

I respect you for realizing and admitting your issue. I would do anything for my WH to have the same realization. He is conflict-avoider so he lies. He also lies so much, he doesn't remember what he says. I worked to make my receiving the truth safer for him so now it it just his bad habit. It is a shame because he was a good honest person before this disease took him. In your case, I think coming to that realization is half the battle.

Have you read, His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley? You are right that Honesty is very important to relationships and most women. How can anyone know what they are dealing with if they don't know the truth? Not having the truth blocks negiotiation and negiotiation leads to better marriages.

You have done a good job by recognizing the issue. Keep exploring and discovering how to work on this area. You will benefit from your work in so many areas of your life. The peace of mind and freedom you feel is liberating.

God bless you and your wife as you work together to create a better marriage.

I thank you again. I know that I have to face my problems. If I don't then I will lose the person that means the most to me in this world. I hope to come out of this a man much more able to care for and love my wonderful wife in the way I know she deserves. I want to make her happy, and I can only do this by being totally honest with her. That is something I am not sure I have ever really been with myself, but I must do it if I am going to keep this amazing person. I know it will be difficult sometimes, but I think that she will appreciate it even when I know that the truths I must tell her are hard for me to say(and I am afraid inside to say them). She really is wonderful, and I am blessed to have her in my life.

Hello Everyone,
I am Juan's wife. I'd like to thank you all for taking the time to read and post to him.

I have been showing and telling him that I am there for him when and if he needs to talk, but for some reason, he doesn't trust me enough to tell me the truth about everything. So.... I am happy that he has some place to go. So far he has wanted to share this thread with me, but I think it might be more honest if I'm not reading it. I don't want him to just be paying lip service to the MB principles because he's worried about what I'll think. Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas about this? Do you think it would be better if I wasn't a part of this?

Anyway, I would like to add a little bit about my husband's lying. I believe that he has always done it. I think that he has some serious self-esteem issues. He has admitted that he lies to "look good". He wants everyone to like him all the time - even total strangers. That's always bothered me because I'm just the opposite. Don't much care what other people think - am happy with myself.

Well, the bottom line for me (and he knows this) is that I despise liars. Always have. I told him from the very beginning there's nothing I hate more. I don't know, maybe he just thinks he'll never get caught, so why not puff himself up for me. What he doesn't understand is that I love HIM - not his "representative". I have loved HIM enough to try to forgive him for cheating on me. I have loved HIM enough to try to forgive him for lying to me about NC for almost two months. Doesn't he know by now that it's not the truth the hurts, it's the act that hurts. The truth can only heal.

Okay, I feel like maybe I shouldn't be here and that I'm hijacking or something. I have to go to a meeting anyway. I'd like to know what folks think about me posting to this thread. I'll do whatever you experienced members think makes sense.

Oh, and BTW, Juan, I do love you very much. I hope you can learn to trust me with the truth.

**WELCOME** Violet (love that name)

I hope you are reading and learning and getting something useful out of MB.

I have been showing and telling him that I am there for him when and if he needs to talk, but for some reason, he doesn't trust me enough to tell me the truth about everything.

This is what it appears on the surface, a mistrust of YOU... but actually, I think Juan's mistrust is that he feels naked and exposed as "not good enough" when he tells the truth. So, he doesn't.

In other words, it's not how he feels about YOU, but how he feels about himself.... THAT is why he lies.

So.... I am happy that he has some place to go. So far he has wanted to share this thread with me, but I think it might be more honest if I'm not reading it. I don't want him to just be paying lip service to the MB principles because he's worried about what I'll think. Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas about this? Do you think it would be better if I wasn't a part of this?

Ask Juan. He'll tell you... I assume he'll tell you the truth!!! ~LOL~ JUAN ... tell the truth.

The truth can only heal.

And the truth is the only meal from which you choose to dine. Lies are poison for the relationship. And you refuse to swallow poison as if it were honey.


Oh, and BTW, Juan, I do love you very much. I hope you can learn to trust me with the truth.

Juan, you better get your lying off the table, or you will alientate a really good woman. Juan, when you speak, actually visualize the words coming out of your mouth as food going into your wife's body... and if you accidently "poison" her with a slip-up lie... tell her immediately "WAIT! That was poison. Do NOT swallow what I just said. i want to give you food, not poison. I take it back."

After about 6 weeks of this, you will have developed new habits.

Pep

Well I don't want to keep jumping in here behind Pepper, she is going to think I am following her (and I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

But something bothers me about your post Juan, not that you lie but this statement you made -

I know that I have to face my problems. If I don't then I will lose the person that means the most to me in this world.

This is true and would be a huge tragedy (especially now that we see how nice Violet is) however a tragedy just as big would be that if you can't solve this problem you will lose "you", or quite possibly never find out who "Juan" really is. If you can let your true self shine through in all its' humbleness and failings, you will discover the beauty that also hides under those lies, and so will everyone else in your life.

However this takes courage and faith in others, that they will except you for who you really are. So as Pep said about getting your lying off the table, also have faith in others that they are really accepting and loving, even of others faults. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Here is a very simple..although incomplete..reason why people lie.

Everyone else has already addressed the need to be whole yourself..to have integrity in your life..etc etc..

So while I am not going to dispute that on any level..what I do not see being addressed..

Is the simple fact..that people lie in order to avoid the consequence of telling the truth.

Period.

Whether that consequence is reality or perception is irrelevent.

So basically..it is cowardice.

and..

Lack of respect for the person you are lying to.

In essence..you are saying..

"You aren't worth the truth"
"you are not worth the trouble of being honest with..after all, you may have an unpleasant reaction, and I don't wish to deal with this..it is much more convenient [in the short term] to pacify you and keep you in the dark where you don't get in my way."

Never in my life have I encountered a habitual liar for whom the above was not an essential element.

--Noodle

What about people who have learned they must lie in order to survive? Children who grow up in houses where discipline was swift and severe? They learn that in order to avoid a smack they must have the "right" answer, regardless of whether it was the truth. Children learn to lie out of fear and this manifests in all areas of their life because they do not trust people. They have learned that people are to be feared, and that they are not lovable or acceptable as they are.

This has nothing to do with thinking the other person is not worthy of the truth. It has do with thinking THEY are not worthy.