Below is the story from the last fews and at the latest update is at end of the thread.

I would welcome any suggestions on next steps.


I have been following the MB priciples for eight months. (Plan A for 6 months; few LB's; Plan B first of Sept as WH went on overseas trip--went pitch black dark.) I thought Plan B lifted the fog. He agreed to NC and also went to MB weekend. WH has also agreed to MC with SH for three weeks. SH has been trying to coach him on MB principles and recovery for me. It has been a month since this started and yet, WH did not continued with MB assignments or followed through with SH suggestions to open up his life to me. I kept myself in a "protected" state because I figured something was up, but there were moments I saw my old H and even a better one.

Our recovery came apart this weekend.

Yesterday, WH and I were out of town together. I saw him put away his second cell phone....this is the one he uses to contact OW. It is actually on a "friends and family" program with OW. I tried to be calm. I asked him if he had second phone, he said yes...he was trying to "fix" it because it didn't work. I asked if I could see it. He said yes. I had it in my hand and I was trying to recall the numbers to see the recent activity. Then I asked if I could keep it and he said yes. I had it for maybe two minutes and then WH demanded his phone back and came unglued. He said that the did not want to play games anymore and he could not live like this. That I should get my own room to stay at in the hotel and that he would move out on Monday. Major fog babble. I asked him if he wanted to work on the M, and he said no. I asked if he wanted to be married and he said no.

I tried to calm myself down and tell him that I cared about him and wanted him to be happy...but lying and contact drained my love for him. He told me that MB did not make any sense to him and coaching was a waste of money. I tried to remain calm but had to excuse myself. I came back and told him I was leaving. I left the hotel and flew home. Later on that night, he driven home and he came into the house. I asked him to leave and he said that he would not. So I left. He followed me out of the house, yelling at me about money. WH is able-bodied, but does not work. So he turned things around and made this about the money instead of our M or his A.

I checked into a hotel and have not spoken with him since. He left a message last night saying he will seek legal counsel. He left a message this morning, saying he will file for a DV. He has called about every 30 minutes all day, but I do not take his call. I checked and he also took most of the money from our joint account. I am okay financially. I faxed him a copy of my Plan B letter from before with a note saying if he wants to talk, he should refer to the letter. I guess I will move out on Sunday night when he says he is coming back.

I could use some MB help and support. Was I too drastic in not giving him a chance? Was Plan B #2 too drastic? Where do I go from here?

I could use any and all comments and suggestions. Thanks for your help on this bleak Saturday night for me. God bless.

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>

No suggestions- but lots of support...I'm so sorry that this has gone the way it has.

SS, I think you did absolutely the right thing in going back into Plan B. I would take steps to protect yourself financially, though, ASAP. If he is discussing money then I suspect that is why he has been so secrective, he needs you for FS.

Its too bad that you had to leave your own home, and I hope you will consider contacting an attorney so that your interests are protected and to see if you can get him ejected. It is not right that you should be the one to has to move. He should be the one to suffer the consequences of his affair and not be in a position to reap the benefits of a marriage that he wants no part of.

Did Steve H have you expose the affair?

Thanks for the support. I feel better.

To ML, SH had me expose the A, but really few to expose to...OW is single, WH has no family members that he is close to, our friends know and they have provided lots of support. In fact, yesterday when WH was angry , he said, "everyone is on your side and no one is on my side."

I sent a copy of the Plan B letter to OW in Sept. I think she was out of country which is probably why recovery was going okay. I think she must have just gotten back and read letter. WH must have recontacted her and has been lying to her also about us. WH said he was in NC, but yesterday he asked if I had sent her a letter and I said yes. He said, "well that created problems." How would you know that WH, if you were in NC?

I have contacted an attorney and when I got home today, I retrived his card. I would like nothing more than to stay in my house, but I cannot take the hurt and pain. I feel bad for coming home and then leaving home when he was here, but it hurts too much.

I welcome any and all suggestions and support. Thanks, MB folks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

SS, why do you think he said it "created problems" to send OW a copy of the letter?

ahhhhhhhhhhh, it is because he is lying to her about you, isn't it? I betcha he told you were split up? Could that be it?

WH was lying to OW. After D-day, he tried to talk with her. She was with a friend and the friend told WH to leave her alone. The OW and friend later filed false battery charges against the WH. WH contacted her to have the charges dropped. He told me that she asked if I minded that they were together and he lied and said, no.

WH also feel that the A part of the relationship is over, but it is okay to still be in contact. I think he is helping/investing in a start-up biz of hers which is why he is needing money.

This is so sick and I am so tired. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be in a happy loving M again. Sigh.....

Thanks for your thoughts.

I'm sorry for your recent pain.
I've been there too regarding false recoveries.
I don't know if there is anything more cruel.
I don't think you went too far, you put your
foot down on what is acceptable and what is not.
I'm sure it seems counter-productive, but boundaries are sometimes the only thing that will bring them home. Otherwise they know they can walk all over you.

Hi Sure Survivor --

I'm so sorry. This must be so hard for you. I think you've done the right thing. Make sure you see that attorney quickly! Sounds like he's already grabbing for everything he can -- ML's right -- YOU should not have to move, unless it's what you want. I've been there -- left just because I didn't have the fight. Take of you and please don't give another thought to making HIM feel bad. He's done this to himself. Take care of yourself sweetie!

Shellybird
Me -- BS, 45
Him -- WH, 53
Married 10 years
One sweet, generous, very smart 10-year-old son
One funny, artisitic hippie 15-year-old-
stepson

Sorry to hear about this. Only you can determine how much more hell you can live with or how many more deaths you can die with this man (A fact I learned on this MB). I think you handled the situation very well. I think you need to think of your own well being now. You need to think of you and you only now. Protect yourslef financially, take care of yourslef. Let your H reap the repercussions of his actions.

Thanks, guys. You are the best. I feel so sad, but you have comforted me and lifted me up. I appreciate your support and will try to continue to protect me for now.

Boy, the fog returns so quickly that you'd think we were living in San Francisco. Which makes me wonder....are we on roller coasters or cable cars? See you made me feel better...even my humor is returning.

Thanks for sharing your time and your thoughts on this Saturday night.

I spoke with WH today. I told him that I cared about him and wanted to work on our M. I wanted us to be happy, but that I did not feel safe with him still in C with OW. I made a respectful request to stay in our house. He said no. He returned major fog babble about how everyone including SH was ignoring his needs. His need is he wants to have access to all our money...it is in my name. How could I ever feel safe doing that now? I asked him if he drained our joint account and he said yes. He said he has no where to go and no money.

He ignored my statements about how I was being hurt. I asked him that even if money was a problem, was it right to solve the issue by having an affair? Of course, he could not answer that. It is all his smoke screen and his moose worm brains.

I let him know that I was leaving and would be by later in the week to pick up more of my things and mail. So I have packed some clothes and put them in my car. I have booked a room in a hotel and am crying as I write this. I am leaving my home of twenty years and for most intents and purposes, I think I am leaving the M also. I actually feel good about crying because I have not been able to do that in months. I have tired so hard and the fog came back in like a hurricane. I am accepting and resigned to whatever happens. WH is deeply addictive type and I don't see this ending. Maybe they can be each other's third marriage...maybe it will be the charm. They are so fogged they deserve each other. It hurts to watch someone self destruct, but I can feel good about taking good care of him while we were together and trying so hard in the past few months.

Thanks for all the MB support.

<small>[ October 24, 2004, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>

If you're absolutely sure you want to give up, you know we'll all support you in that. You sure
have done about everything you can.
Just be sure this is the way you want things.

If you don't really want to give up, don't.

Thanks, TTSi!

I had to get out of the chaos; I hurt so much. Sitting in this hotel room and trying to find a place to stay for tomorrow makes me feel even down and desperate.

Thanks for your words....I really don't want to give up and have to BELIEVE....just like the Red Sox...I am sitting watch the world series.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day and WS will poke his head out of the fog. Drat this horrible curse that comes into our life. I pray that God has a plan for all of us. Thanks again, TTSi. You helped me. God bless.

Do you have some friends you could stay with?
It would make it a bit easier on yourself to have some people who care about you to be around for awhile..
I hope God has a plan as well. I just pray that his plan and my wishes are the same. Or maybe I can change his mind? Dunno about that.

Thank for your posting TTSi. I do not have any friends to stay with here and my family lives 400 miles away. I really miss my sister...been trying to call her all day. Hope she calls later..it will comfort me.

I just read your saga. Wow, what detective work. I always wondered what it would be like to dig into a person's background like that. In your case, your really hit pay dirt. It is shame that these WS's get sucked into such dirt. It is like they are willing victims for a multi-marketing scheme or something. I guess a "sucker" is born everyday and sometimes they take the form of a WS. It never ceases to amaze me the type of low-life scum that WS's are attracted to/become co-dependent on...the unhealth, dysfunctional, I have low to no self-esteem types of relationships that develop into addictions. Tsk, tsk.

It is certainly true with my WS. He is addicted to a twice-divorced, lying opportunistic OW who falsely charged him with battery. Nice, huh? If he leaves me for her, he will have to alot of competition. She still stays in contact with both ex's and also travels and stays regularly with a male companion.

Anyway stay strong in this journey and thanks for your thoughts. SS

Hey, thanks for reading about my story.
I'm sorry you don't have anyone nearby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know I hit pay dirt, but at the same time,
it makes things worse from my perspective, as I know my W wouldn't even listen to the facts. Not from me, not from anyone I don't think.

Looking at your situation, it's probably a good thing that this OW is that kind of person. In the long run, it will help to end that affair I think.

WH just called my cell. I did not answer. He left message saying he will pursue legal counsel on Tuesday. Why wait until then..attorney offices are open on Monday? He left it in that parental...scolding tone that he uses...his next message will be a threat.

Together for 20+ years and this is what it boils down to. He is an able-bodied grown man who could work but doesn't. I am the breadwinner with a regular job and I am the one who got displaced from my home. I have to go to work tomorrow and he could find a place to live and a job...but he blames me for all of this. What kind of man is he?

Thanks for letting me vent. I pray to God that release from this pain comes soon. SS

SS- Sorry to hear of your Pain.
I agree that you handled the situation very well. You really dd not have much choice given his breaking NC. It's a shame that he is forcing you to continue to PLAN B him, but if that's what it takes then so be it. You keep working on yourself, doing things that make you a better person and that make you feel better!! The only person that you have control over is yourself.

Like many others I would agree that you;

* Take steps to make sure that you are safegaurded against his spending you both into debt. (i.e. freezing your assetts transferring money into your sole account).

* Ensure that you only leave your house if you wish to do so. He should be the one to leave if he is not happy. It may actually do him some good to have to support himself, both financially and emotionally. This may be the wake up call he needs.

* Be more forceful and ask him to leave. See if the attorney can help you here. Do you know if OW still wants him given her filing a battery report against him? If OW is not interested then that would be a blow to him and a bonus for you.

* You may also consider contacting OW (again) and let her know that he agreed NC, couselling, etc, but has apparently been lying to both of you.

I can understand how you feel about not being able to take much more of WS's behaviour. I had to ask my WS to leave to protect myself from her continued lack of respect for me, our M and herself. It was tough but also gave me a break from all the crap;-)

Again, I really am sorry to hear that the fog is still making it difficult for him to see things in the appropriate light. You have done a great job so far, stick with it.

I'm thinking he wants you to call him so that you'll give in and beg him to stay.. etc.

I mean, why should he even mention that he's going to see a lawyer again, he already told you that.

Reminds me of, "No... wait.. now, i'm really serious! I'll do it this time... I really mean it.." etc etc..

TTSi, thanks for your observation. Maybe because it is late at night and I'm in a strange hotel room...but I read your posting and then about 1 minute later laughed out loud. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ..a little slow I guess.

Your insight helped me and I will see what tomorrow brings. Hope the "Big Guy" lets us in on his plan pretty soon. Thanks again.