Just caught my husband last week calling a 26 yr old girl in Mexico, using that sexy come-on voice I used to hear a long, long time ago. (He freq travels in MX for business). We are 53, just celebrated our 25th anniv two weeks ago with a lovely party given by our children, followed by 9 days on our favorite island. When I confronted him he very coldly told me he doesn't love me, hasn't for a long time, doesn't like me, etc etc.
He said that the girl in question was just a "friend" that he e-mails and talks to on the phone. She has served as an interpreter for him in the past, and they just talk. Swore up and down that he hadn't even kissed her. To which I said BS, and that it didn't matter as he had betrayed me by having an emotional affair. (This made little sense to me as he has always felt that love an sex weren't all that closely related).

Needless to say, there was a great deal of crying and wailing and name-calling on my part, and nothing but coldness from him. It was very much like Invasion of the Body Snatchers--my husband had just vanished.

Friday night we finally were able to sit down alone (kids out) and had a major blowout. Turns out he has been "talking" to this girl for two years (please note our oldest daughter is 3 yrs younger than this person). Me, sobbing uncontrollably (and am not a cryer), trying to get him to understand what he has done, telling hime we need MC. Him-just saying more things to crush me, and stating he won't do MC. Finally, I told him I could not take the pain anymore, and told him he had to leave right then and there. (Sadly, there were two major events in town and there wasn't a hotel room available for 50 miles--the one bright spot in the worst day of my life).

Told our children (23, 19, 11)about the separation. He does the talking, I do the crying--"Your mother and I love each other very much, and we love you, but we've had a big fight and need to be apart right now!" (First I've heard about any love on his part). So I'm left a home with my 11 yr old as the older two are in college. He originally planned to tell the older two why what was going on until I convinced him that that was a sure way to have them hate him.
I didn't talk to anyone about this until the night he left and I called my sister over. Didn't even tell my best friend until a week later bc her husband is his best friend and I didn't want everyone to hate him--now what sense does that make?

I am very much at fault for the distance in our marriage. We have not had a sexual reationship for some time. He was unable to perform, wouldn't discuss it, and when I tried to make advances very coldly told me "That's not going to happen." So, over time, I have withdrawn very much emotionally. Now, I'm sitting here wondering why I have put up with his coldness, his verbal abuse and general neglect all this time. Everyone thought we had such a perfect family, and I guess the death of that idea was more than I could bear.

At any rate, I've read everything on this site. Understand on some level the principles -tho Plan A still sounds like Doormat City to me. Have stopped crying constantly--thank god for a good Dr. who game me an anti-depressant and Xanax (a wonder drug if there ever was one). Haven't even had to take one of those for a day or two, so I do feel I'm getting stronger (realize this is prob temp).

Sorry to have rambled on a such length. I've been trying to get on this site for over a week (browser problems). I guess the point that I'm at is that I cannot even concieve at this point that I could ever trust him again, and that I would always feel like I was a fool to even try.

SIGH <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am sorry that you are here. I can't really offer you advice on trying to repair your marriaee as mine failed. I can tell you one thing, I can identify with everyting that you feel. I could have written that post myself when this happened to me. I think you should be HONEST with your family and TELL THEM WHY YOU ARE SEPARATING. Your husband is a big biy, he needs to deal with the ramifications of doing this to you and your family. Don't protect him, you need the support from your family. COME CLEAN WITH EVERYONE ABOUT THE TRUTH. DO IT ASAP. GOOD LUCK, I will pray for you.

I'm sorry that you're here, but this is a good place to come -- lot's of support here.

First thing I would recommend is prayer. Get close to God and ask for His help in this matter.

I also felt like Plan A was "Doormat City." You may want to look at my thread "Love Must Be Tough" + Plan A.... I would highly recommend this book -- as well as Harley's books. Another good book is "Torn Asunder".

Also, check out the link to Ark's Plan A tips and musings in the link mentioned above.

We're all here for you and praying for you. This is such a hard place to be in. I can say, from my very limitted experience, it gets easier to deal with. It's still hard, but the first few weeks are just horrible. Don't give up hope.

<small>[ October 23, 2004, 11:09 PM: Message edited by: rykon ]</small>

Thank you lemonman and rykon. Believe me, I have prayed and continue to do so. Your words of comfort and concern mean so much to me right now. It is such a relief to talk to others who have been down this horrendous road, and to know that I can vent and that you all will understand.
My WH is now staying in our pop-up camper at a campground and 1 1/2 away from home. (His choice--he could easily afford a hotel). He told the kids that he liked it, and for them to just think of him as being on one of his business trips (some major fog going on here). He has talked to the youngest online a time or two, and has called her most days. He first question to me after school is always, "Have you talked to him? Did he come over?" Then some nights he will call her at 9:15 knowing that her bedtime is 9:30. Never occurs to him that this may upset her right before bedtime. I finally had to tell him that he HAS to call her everyday. She knows where he is, and it's not like he's out of the country. (Actually he called more when out of the country telling us how much he loved us and missed us, and couldn't wait to get back home???)

Tomorrow is my daughter's sem-final soccer game, so I guess we will get to go an sit together and act like nothing's wrong--may need a whole Xanax for that one. Today, after a big blowout with the 11 yr old she asked me when he was coming home, and I said I didn't know. She said he told a friends mother about a week or so. Well, that's not happening, so I finally had to tell her that I didn't know when he might come back, or whether he ever would. I am so ticked off with him for leaving me to clean up all of his dirty messes. Hope he's really cold in his little sleeping bag, and that the mosquitoes eat him alive.

<small>[ October 23, 2004, 11:31 PM: Message edited by: Mystified44 ]</small>

Mystified, have you read Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley? If you haven't, please get it ASAP. You really need to get this book in order to understand what is going on here.

Plan A is not the doormat plan, it is a strategy designed to end the affair by attracting your spouse back into the marriage.

It sounds like you both have neglected each others needs for years and he has stumbled upon someone who is meeting those needs that weren't met at home. I suspect he has been angry about this for years and is using it to justify his affair. And this what Plan A serves to correct, it is designed to attract him back by meeting those unmet needs and removing his rationalization for an affair.

Done properly, Plan A confuses them greatly and makes them take a second look at the marriage. It reminds him of WHY he fell in love with you in the first place.

Just imagine a woman who has been starved for years. Suddenly she is treated to a all-you-can-eat buffet. She is beside herself with glee and becomes addicted to the buffet because she can't get this food at home. This is often how a WS ends up in an affair. This also explains the addictive nature of an affair.

Another opportunity that I see here is exposure. Exposure throws a HUGE monkey wrench into the affair because it forces the affairee to see the affair through the eyes of others when he is forced to explain it. Suddenly, this fantasy relationship looks sordid and sleazy in the light of day. I would expose it to your children, family and friends. Find out who the OW is and expose to her family if you can. The worst thing you can do is protect your H from the consequences of his affair. Don't help him hide this affair. You do so only at your OWN and your children's expense. Exposure always hastens the end of the affair, so don't forfeit this valuable tool.

And lastly, I would recommend calling the Harley's for counseling. They are TRAINED marriage professionals who are PRO-MARRIAGE. They can often do in a few sessions what other counselors cannot do in a lifetime. The Harley's will assess your situation and give you good guidance without wasting your time talking about "how you feel about" this or that. They are strategic and action oriented. It would be well worth the investment.

And check in here often to talk to us. In the meantime, if you see any opportunity to get your H back home, I would take it. You can work on your marriage with him home much better than you can with him away.

<small>[ October 24, 2004, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Melody,

Thanks for the input. On one level I do get the whole Plan A thing. On the other, it's the pain and trauma are so fresh that I'm amazed that I'm even still standing. I feel like I'm doing the best I can, but this is damned hard stuff.

Today, we all went to my youngest daughter's soccer game and I felt I did really well. I was chipper and cheerful. We even all went out to dinner afterward. My older children watch me like a hawk, and my daughter at one point asked me why I looked so pissed off. I told her I wasn't, but was merely squinting to see across the room cause I didn't have my glasses on--which was true, but I know they are walking on eggshells right now.

The OW is unmarried, lives in another country, so he has only seen her a handful of times. Their contact is by phone and e-mail. I still cannot see the value of telling my children and family about this. I can't conceive of my children ever being able to forgive him, and don't feel that they need to be burdened at this point. I feel too, that this would have such a negative effect on their own future relationships--if their own father was untrustworthy, then how could they ever trust anyone themselves?

I do think I'm PLan A'ing pretty well all things considered. When he comes over, the house is clean, I look decent, I'm not throwing anything up in his face, but when asked, I'm telling that it's hard and it's sad. He seems surprised now by the fact that I seem to have gotten myself together and that we are getting along so well without him. He seems to be puzzled by the whole thing. Guess that's progress.

Mystified, please reconsider telling them about it. Honesty is always the best medicine for an affair. You don't teach children honesty by being deceitful with them. Yes the affair will have a negative effect on their relationship with their father. It is supposed to. That is the consequence of an affair that you can't realistically protect him from. Nor should you help him hide his dirty little secret, it only helps the affair survive. Protecting your H from the consequences of his affair only aides and abets his destructive behavior.

What will have an even greater effect on their relationship, with both of you, is when they find out you both hid this from them. They already know something bad has happened and they can deal much better with the truth than they can with lies.

Not tellin them sets a terrible example of deceit and subterfuge. They will eventually find out, they always do. They deserve to know the truth since this directly effects their lives.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He seems surprised now by the fact that I seem to have gotten myself together and that we are getting along so well without him. He seems to be puzzled by the whole thing. Guess that's progress. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, that is progress! This is usually the effect of Plan A. It causes them to take a second look at the marriage. It sounds like you doing a good job at Plan A.

<small>[ October 24, 2004, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Our kids know, and the affair had already ended when we told them. It was hard for my W, but needed - and it was a joint decision. I vote for honesty, at least with the older two. Beyond that, please click on the link in my signature line and read the Plan A links by Cerri and Zorweb, if you haven't seen them already. I didn't fully grasp Plan A until it was over <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Reading and re-reading those would have helped me immensely.

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>