Well, it looks like my WH has decided to move out. If you're not familiar with my sitch...3 1/2 weeks since D-day, A has been about a year, he's "in love with her" and "not in love with me anymore," the marriage was already dead, blah, blah, blah.... We talked for a long time tonight, I got a lot of stuff off my chest (I was very level-headed, though...no yelling!) And it looks like he's going to be moving out soon. I told him (about 2 weeks ago) that he could continue living here as long as NC with OW at all, even if he didn't commit to working on the M, basically giving him some time and making sure the A ended for good. Well, they work at the same place, different depts. He said he's seen her "in passing." I reminded him that he was supposed to tell me and reminded him of our agreement. He really wants to leave. And I can't stop him. I certainly don't want someone living here who doesn't want to be here. And it's SO hard for him to be here but not really be here, not really be my H. So maybe it's better that he leaves. Of course, OW still has to leave her BH, whom she hasn't even told about the A yet. Who knows if she'll really leave. I asked WH why she hasn't left already since she doesn't have kids and apparently her M is SO bad. Doesn't make sense to me. So now I've got to get used to the idea of being a single parent.

I know that a lot of people will tell me that there's still hope. I'd rather not get my hopes up at this point. So it's easier for me if I just get used to the idea of being D'd. If things change, then so be it. But I can't get my hopes up only to be let down yet again.

Wait until his mom finds out.....she's gonna ring his neck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> She's very protective of me. I'm not just her DIL, I'm a second daughter to her. She's always making sure her son is taking good care of me.

Oh man.

Sorry he is choosing to go.

I notice that you have not told the OW's H yet. If you want to see things happen for the positive, contacting him and telling him about the A would be a good move.

Do not tell your H or the OW that you are going to do it though if you decide to tell the OW's H. It is best to do it, be prepared for an angry storm from your H and get to the other side of telling another BSpouse the truth.

An A prefers to live in the dark, keeping secrets and you don't need to go with that 'party line'

SufferingW,

Part of plan A is exposing the A. Also you should not take him back w/o NC, working on M and amending you.

I suggest you to draft plan B letter and get ready to hand it to him. However find out first the impact of exposure of A.

-rh-

Yes, I will be exposing the A now. I was afraid that exposure wouldn't work in my favor, so I was hesitant. I have an appt with a new MC on Monday and I was hoping to talk to her about all this stuff first. But I will be calling OW's BH very soon. And I will be telling WH's family today. Since he's decided to leave anyway, it really doesn't matter at this point. I'm definitely willing to take the risk. I've got nothing to lose now. I've decided that maybe it's better this way. I don't know if I could live the rest of my life with WH constantly missing her, still loving her, etc. This way the A will most likely die a natural death. Even if we don't reconcile our M, I will feel better that way.

Be prepared for your WH to be very angry when you expose the affair. Most say something like "Now you've really done it, I want a divorce". But they do get over being angry quickly.

SufferingW,

I wouldn't be so quick to write this marriage off until you use some of the tools at your disposal to help end this affair. You have some great opportunities to hasten the end of the affair that you haven't even touched.

Exposure is probably the MOST effective method to end the affair and is the foundation of Plan A. Exposure takes away the necessary fantasy aspect of the affair. It jerks the affairees into reality when they are forced to explain thier little affair. It no longer looks so pretty and wonderful when they are forced to see how sleazy and cheap they look to others. It is a very effective tool.

I would suggest doing this NOW, before your H leaves in the hopes that exposure will prevent his leaving. Exposure will also create fallout in your relationship. You need to be together when this happens so you can address the fallout.

I would call the OWH right away and expose this affair to him. Often, this is enough to effectively end the affair because the OP really has no intention of losing her marriage. If your MC counsels you otherwise, she is giving you bad advice, plain and simply.

If the WS and the OW work together, you will also want to consider exposing the affair at work. There is no hope of recovery as long as they see each other anyway, so you might as well blow the top off that avenue right now.

Additionally, it should be exposed to his family, your family and your friends. Ideally on the same day so that the WS doesn't have a chance to pre-empt you by calling folks and telling them you are crazy.

I would make your first exposure the OWH so that the OW doesn't get wind of your mission and tell him first. Because if she tells him the story, you will likely be characterized as some "jealous nut" who is trying to cause trouble for her. You don't want that to happen.

These are all steps that should be taken in Plan A, SW. You should be doing everything in your power to help end this affair. Because there is no chance of recovery as long as the affair continues.

SufferingW,

I am sorry to hear that your WH may be moving out. I am glad for you that your MIL is on your side. I don't have that. My MIL cheated on my WW's dad, and is an A supporter/enabler. I truly hope things work out for the best, and I hope that exposure of the A has good results.

You told me in one of my threads, that my kids will one day appreciate that I tried to do everything in my power to save my M. I believe that will be true. I know that your children will feel the same way. Hang in there!

Dimmu

Dimmu,

Yes, I'm lucky MIL is always on my side. SIL is too. I just told SIL about the A today. She was TICKED. Said OW will never be welcome around their family. I kinda expected that. SIL said we need to make WH tell his mom. That'll be fun.

And yes, I remember telling you that one day your kids will appreciate that you did everything in your power to save your M, that you didn't give up when the going got tough. I also want to be able to tell my kids someday that I did everything I could, that I was willing to stay in the M and work on things despite what their dad did.

Another update. WH said probably would find a place to live by this weekend. So I'm getting myself mentally prepared to be a single mom as of this weekend. Of course, while he's here the past 3 days we're at "roommate" status. It's HARD. Now he's saying he can't afford to move out yet and needs a little more time. I don't think I can do it. When I got the e-mail from him, I broke down. I just can't deal with the back and forth stuff. I need something to happen so I can move on and start healing. I can't do it while we're in limbo.

Saw a new IC on Monday and I realized that this M will probably never work. WH is a very selfish person and I can't change that. It's all about HIM being happy. Who cares about everybody else. And since WH and OW work for the same co, NC is virtually impossible. And I don't think I could ever get WH to quit (he's been there 16 years). IC said, "If WH were in this room with us, crying, begging for your forgiveness, willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to make this M work, then I'd say you have a chance. Otherwise, not a chance." I told IC WH refuses to go to MC. Always has.

I just don't think I can handle him being here any longer than this week. I asked him if there was anyone he could stay with for a while but haven't gotten a response from him yet. He can afford to get an apt but not furnish it yet. Well, I could care less if he has to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor for a while. NOT my concern at this point. I need to start thinking about ME and taking care of ME (and the kids). I need to be able to move on and heal SOMEHOW.

SufferingW:

There is no debate here. MAKE HIM MOVE OUT TONIGHT. He has to live with the consequences of his actions. TONIGHJT MAKE HIM LEAVE.

I can't make him leave tonight because we haven't told the kids yet. I don't want him to leave until we tell the kids. We won't be able to do that until at least Friday night (the only time all 4 of us are home). I can handle him staying until this weekend, but that's it. I've already given him some alternatives (furnished apt, living with bro for a while, etc.) So there's no excuse now. He WILL be gone by this weekend...somehow. I just can't do it anymore.