I am looking to find out ones emotional feelings associated with this. My H is adopted. When I first met him he told me after some time that he was. He seemed fine with it and said it never bothered him and did not have a desire to find his birth parents. Well over time I have realized that this is not true. He cries every year on his b-day. Now since having our children he cries on Mother's and Father's day. He wonders if his birth parents remember him. I am sure you are asking how does all this pertain to MB.

Well on d-day he said that he always new he would do something to ruin our M. I asked if that meant he always new that he would have an affair. He said No. He said he new he would screw it up some how. I asked why and he said cause he always screws up good things. My H was not a popular kid growing up. He was always picked on, picked last for sports, that sort of thing. He was an extreme over achiever. Not a bad thing. It just seems like he always has had something to prove. After thinking about our 9yrs together 7 of which we have been married, I realize my mistakes with him when he made comments. Like I bore you don't I? I don't excite you anymore? You wish I looked different? You wish I had a bigger #@#$? I would just laugh and say no I don't really care.

I feel like maybe he has always felt rejected and that is why he always keeps some distance with me. He has a sort of inferiority complex. He said the other night that he is glad I did not kick him out. I asked him tonight if he still worries that I will kick him out at some point, and he said yes. Which is understandable considering his is still recovering himself. I am still upset at what he did, and upset at what I did. But I told him I love him and that we are both human and to try and not think that will happen.

I wish he would come here. He has a few times because he has read what I have posted at times. I just sense something deep inside of him that has always been hurting. Any insight would be great!!

Ann

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My son is adopted - but he's only 6 years old, so we're not dealing with any of these issues. It's also an open adoption, so we have contact with the birthparents.

A book he might find useful is called Primal Wound. I started reading it, but as of yet I haven't been able to finish it. But I've heard that many adoptees out there who still feel pain about the fact that they are adopted, have found the book to describe exactly how they feel. Maybe it would help him to know he isn't alone - and maybe he would be able to talk about it better if he could read about it.

Other than that - I'd say he could use a good therapist. They aren't here to 'fix' us - they're here to help us help ourselves.

Ann,
I was adopted and had alot of those feelings of being unloveable and not good enough and when I was the BS, it brought up alot of my fears and abandonment issues. I think it is very common to be in denial about feelings of being adopted and conflicted about about it. On the one hand you have your adoptive parrents and you feel that to wonder about your birth parents is a betrayal to them.. are his parents still alive? On the other hand you wonder about your bith and how you could be so bad that your parents abandoned you.

I always said I had no couriosity about it too... untill I could no longer deny it when I was in such pain over the affair, then it kept coming back until I knew I had to search for my birth mother. I turned out easy to find her and even though she was resistive to contact, she did write me and I found just the process of searching gave me some peace.

You can read alot of books about adoption and they helped me understand, as did individual counseling. One of my favorite books was a fiction one,Brother and Sister by Joanna Trollope. It had the feelings of a brother and a sister that deceided to search for their birth mothers and was realistic and healing to read.

I think adoption is something each person has to deal with on theri own and find their own healing path for, but supporting him and encouraging him could help. I think I always felt unloveable and so there was a hole there that noone could fill. and for me being betrayed sort of tore it open and expeosed it to the light. Maybe his having an affair was a way to try and feel loved too. I think being adopted is something noone else can understand really, such a deep primative rejection that you can't even really awknowlge it for so long, and it ttok alot of counseling to even begin to see that it was not my fault.

Ann,

My first H was also adopted. It was a family adoption and everyone knew but him! The families went out of the way to never mention it. Somehow he found out. I have heard that he found out when he was in the service. He was an MP and some kind of investigation was done because of things he had to guard and the army discovered he was adopted. They told him...and offered help with finding his birth parents if he so wanted. It was devastating to him. IMHO, his parents should have told him from the start...but they kept postponing it...always waiting for a better time..and better age. It was NEVER going to happen at that rate.

Anyway, he NEVER told me he was. A member of the family let it slip one day...and I was shocked that he hadn't felt the need to share that. I did ask later, and he was furious with that family member. He had abandonment issues that led him to tell me that he was only "technically" adopted. His Mom was still his mom...but that she had an affair that produced him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He would rather taint his deceased mother's name than to admit that he was given away by his bio parents. They actually did him a favor...they were both alcoholics and they gave all 7 of their children away...literally handing them over to whoever wanted them.

He had a hard time dealing with the abandonment and went as far to not becoming attached to anyone...emotionally. He used people to his own advantage and abandoned them before they had a chance to abandon him.

I think it would help your husband if he had individual counseling to deal with those feelings. He is evidently not "fine" with it when bdays...mother's day...and father's day evoke such episodes of crying.

JMHO
committed

Yes I feel like he has a hard time attatching emotionally. When he cries, which has been often since d-day, I ask him what is wrong. I want him to be able to open up and push through the pain. He generally tries to say nothing, but then he will say something. I sense that there is more to the crying and what he is telling me for a reason is not true or is not the whole thing.

He is definitely afraid of feeling the pain we are going through and just barries it. I would rather talk it our. I know men deal with things differently them women, but I hate seeing him cry and then not being able to help.

Counceling may be an option way down the road, but we just finished our MC. That really did help. I wish I would have asked MC for at least one individual session so he could have possibaly got some of this out if he wanted too.
I can't push him, he needs to do it on his own.

Thank you all,

Ann