Saw your recent post regarding your STBXH and his "mother issues".

I know I'm looking of excuses to my serial cheats ways - but, I believe it may stem back to his mother. His mother is a very nice lady, never meddles, always treats me nice, etc. BUT,,,, early in our R he mentioned that his M never held him or his siblings. His family is not the kind that reaches out to hold,nurture, etc. He also said she had negative comments regarding sex - though, he never elaborated on it. His M made a comment like she gets 1 kiss a year on NYE...yes, they are in their 70's but so are my parents and they are very affectate. His F does make sexual comments about women, flirty comments, comments about thier butts, breasts etc.

I'm seeing that the type of women my WH picks are M or trashy type...Could this go back to issues he had in his childhood that he suppress??? That sex is dirty but if you do it with a dirty partner it's great. Our SF was always a problem - he never spoke to me about wanting, needing, etc. He just shut me off/out and went elsewhere for it..

I may be grasping at straws and he's probably too far gone to ever change - but, I need to try and understand that it was never about me..Yes, he told me it wasn't and that the OP aren't about Love...

Thanks

If you can suggest any good books, websites that may deal with this issue- please fill me in..

ithurts
Bless your heart. I know exactly what you've faced. There is no way to logically deal with someone whose core being is so dramatically damaged.

I don't remember the name of the book because I gave it to him shortly before he left...I think. I just can't find it.

I think MIL did the things she did to stop him from having sex with anyone so she could always have him to herself. Little did she know he would end up having sex with prostitutes and married women. It has to be a sin...just as she taught him.

I remember the book giving little hope for recovery. I know if I called my stbx right now he would be here in a New York minute. He would go on and on about his love and adoration promising this, that and the moon. Then when it would get too close, the monster would come out. When he was drunk it was particularly horrible. He would accuse me of things I've never even heard of-I know things she did.

I used to pity him which turned into worse behavior. There comes a point in everyone's life when it's time to take responsiblity. Allowances for his parents were making my life completely miserable and not helping him one bit.

The combination of your MIL and FIL is not similar to mine. FIL adored MIL and never spoke ill of a woman in a sexual manner. These were not bright people and I intimidated them. They had to eliminate me just as they eliminated everyone else in their lives-with cruelty.

The combination of two parents with such opposing views on sex certainly did set him up for extreme confusion. Can he see this? It seems that both of their insecurities took root in his personality.

I think he is right, it wasn't about you as it wasn't about me. We just got caught up in the whirlwind of damage. I took it personally for all those years and really don't think that now I could handle a normal relationship. I don't think I could pull down my guard to let someone in. That guard protected me for so long from the hurt of rejection. I could never trust again.

When people around me would talk about their sex lives, I became silent. I was so jealous of these women. If they would complain about the infrequency, I would think to myself, they have no idea... If they complained about a husband wanting too much, I became jealous.

My life will be lived without knowing that precious part of married life. It seems so sad that other than my husband, I've only had sex with one other man in college. I knew it was wrong and vowed never to do that again outside of marriage. My friends were so impressed with my convictions and learning from mistakes. I just don't understand.

<small>[ October 24, 2004, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: jph ]</small>

Yes - Our WH's didn't have the same childhood issues - but yet it seems to affected them in a similiar manner.
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I think he is right, it wasn't about you as it wasn't about me. We just got caught up in the whirlwind of damage. I took it personally for all those years and really don't think that now I could handle a normal relationship. I don't think I could pull down my guard to let someone in. That guard protected me for so long from the hurt of rejection. I could never trust again.

When people around me would talk about their sex lives, I became silent. I was so jealous of these women. If they would complain about the infrequency, I would think to myself, they have no idea... If they complained about a husband wanting too much, I became jealous.

My life will be lived without knowing that precious part of married life. It seems so sad that other than my husband, I've only had sex with one other man in college. I knew it was wrong and vowed never to do that again outside of marriage. My friends were so impressed with my convictions and learning from mistakes. I just don't understand.

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My WH rejected me so many times - so many bull crap reasons - I finally quit asking for SF. I too fall silent and hurt when friends are talking about their sex life..People probably look at us and think boy I bet they have a great sex life since we both take good care of our looks - if only they knew...

Luckily, I did have a few sexual partners and I was M b-4 so I know there is a "normal" out there...I know in my heart that I am desirable..no matter what WH thinks. I get sooo mad knowing that he has had SF w/so many partners during our M and is still having SF and I have NONE...it just doesn't seem fair..

Even w/knowing this - I feel I'll never trust again, never set myself up for this deep pain again..Since I haven't been w/anyone for 12 years other than my WH I'm now worried that if I ever did met somone I wouldn't know what to do anymore..First thing would probably be CRY...

I'm still living with WH - I haven't filed for D only becoz I still have love in my heart. I have stopped checking on him - hell, I can't keep up w/all of the OW..Eventually, we will D only becoz he refuses help and he hates that I know who he really is..This will end I'm sure and it will be ugly..I think I stay becoz I'm thinking every guy is like this - at least I know this demon - at least he doesn't beat me..

I hope you really do heal from all this - maybe the right person will turn you and I around..

Didn't you sometimes think it would be easier if our WH fell in love w/one other person and that was it...they left us and we moved on, rather than picking prostitutes/trashy or MW. I don't know if my WH was ever w/ a prostitute but at this point I don't doubt anything..

So it's the dirty sex that they want..hmm..amazing..

I wish you peace and hope for the future...