Mr. Pure:

I have been reading for a long time and finally I have decided to write the forum.

I am 45 and my wife had PA for 18 months. Upon discovery six months ago she broke it off. I have forgiven her, but somehow she is unable to love as your wife does. I am a straight shooter, very much like the man in the book how to survive an affair. OM is not that different from the character in the book, but perhaps much less desirable. I was puzzled when I found them together in a hotel room. The man is of short stature and rather repulsive. But, that is beside the point. The A is over or so I am told by FWW.

FWW is not very loving despite the fact that she denies withdrawal or romantic feelings for OM. We make love every so often, but I can tell the passion is not the same as before the A. I have done everything I can, but I still show some anger when I am rejected. At what time do I throw the towel and move out. This woman is changed and I can’t figure her out anymore.

She even refuses to go away on romantic vacations and gives me lame excuses. She claims we are too old for this stuff and that our time has passed. Is it time to move on? I feel quite young and I am in excellent physical condition. I still love her, but I am beginning to wonder if her love for me died once she engaged the OM for sex.

I congratulate you with all my heart for having a lovely wife and the know how on how to save your marriage. Your words are an inspiration to me, but I am becoming frustrated despite following MB policy with WW. I am growing inpatient and WW can’t tell something is seriously wrong. She thinks everything is fine and dandy.

UNLOVED MAN---Wow, are u sure you are not my husband??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Tell us about your wife's affair! Hmm

Myrta <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Myrta:

I don’t have much time and can only post in the mornings and lunch hour. I will be brief in giving the story. I am the CEO of a large landscaping business; my wife is a former CCU nurse. We have 10-year-old twins. My wife stopped working when my twins were born. Once they started school full time she was bored, but got involved with school activities and so forth. She befriended the OM who can be best described as a house-husband. Our children are classmates and they play in the same soccer team, ect. The OM’s wife is a lawyer and in fact my company did some work in her home. To make the story short, I suspected something was not right and the name of this man came up too often for my comfort. So one day I followed my wife and ended up in the hotel.

The wife has been uncooperative and had to be dragged to MC. OM’s wife and I are communicating and we think everything is under control. FWW remains depressed despite NC since D-day, I was quite depressed myself and we are taking medication. I am ready for a new start, but FWW does not seem to be eager. The name of this thread perked my attention; so here I am.

As you can see, my story is not that different from everybody else. At this point I am looking for pointers from those who have hands on experience. I have read the books, but my wife has not shown much interest in reading. She wants to pretend nothing happened.

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: UnlovedMan ]</small>

UM I am sad you find yourself in that situation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I congratulate you with all my heart for having a lovely wife and the know how on how to save your marriage. Your words are an inspiration to me, but I am becoming frustrated despite following MB policy with WW. I am growing inpatient and WW can’t tell something is seriously wrong. She thinks everything is fine and dandy.

Yes I do have a lovely wife , who until very recently was the most spiteful, vicious, spitting thing to me and our kids imaginable. WS behave in alien ways while the effects of an affair, exposure and withdrawal work though them.

Regarding know-how you will see if you look at some of my first posts from way back in July that I was a shaking, vomiting , drunken helpless wreck who drove too drunk to even commit suicide properly. I am proof that ANYONE, however stupid and low, can be sured up by God to be what his family needs in crisis. Even ME.

I will not 'advise' UM other than give examples of what i know occurred in my own situation. There are wiser heads on here who can advise you reliably. What I WILL say is that six months is a short time to expect a full recovery of a marriage broken by an affair.

Also, I would be interested to know if you and your W are working on identifying and fulfilling each others emotional needs. It would appear not, but I have only seen your few words regarding you story.
Finally, neither BS nor WS are usually mindreaders ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> "waiting to be asked or told" seems to be a huge contributor to a M at risk from an affair. It seems you are not communicating well with each other.

I note you have posted you rown thread, I will follow that !

All blessings UM, you are in a place that can help you recover your marriage happiness !

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 01:43 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

An update to say that the insight of the FWW ladies on here is invaluable.

My FWW isn't well right now - as FNCJ pointed out to me last week she has been running on adrenaline and dopamine for four months of the A and withdrawal, and as the 'fight or flight' response recedes, she's taking hits physically as well as mentally.She has a cold with a nasty cough, and the coughing is aggravating a rib injury she gained in Karate on Monday. Couple that with general "ladies plumbing" issues and she feels pretty cr@p and unattractive right now.

We sat cuddling on the couch tonight watching a little TV but mostly talking. She had a 'sad faraway' moment, where her concentration slips and she stares into space with moistening eyes for a few seconds.

I held her and asked " A penny for your thoughts baby?"
She said " I don't deserve you. I can never deserve you. How can you ever forgive me for what I did to a GOOD man who loves me? How can I forgive MYSELF ?"

I didn;t know what to say, so I kissed her. I then said :
" we don't always get what we think we deserve, baby. Someimes more, sometimes less. "

We went on to have a very intimate discussion that I think helped us BOTH understand where we are.

You FWWs are correct it seems - my FWW feels too bad about herself and what she did to properly accept my love or to return it right now.
I have been SO RIGHT to be loving and supportive to her. God knows where she would be without that. Or where I would be.

Every little thing she gives me in honesty and insight gives me more patience to hold her and love her through this nasty time she is in.

And of course she just used me for more great SF again afterwards. * tsk* its getting so dull to be called upon to make wonderful hugging, kissing, twitching love with the woman I adore so often .... NOT ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks everyone. I am trying NOW not to be too optimistic about our future. This IS a rollercoaster and we WILL have another dip. I cannot allow my expectations to be dependent upon the current emotional climate in our lives, but instead on the journey forward together.

Hi everyone
Could some one tell me what this 180 thing is and where i can read about it
thanks

BOBPURE--I am going to say this again. YOur wife is the luckiest woman to have you as a husband! You are behaving perfectly for your marriage to recover. At the beginning of DD of course, the emotions are too strong to control and you might say nasty things to each other, but after one or two months, YOUR behaviour should be the one that all BS should follow! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
A lot of times, I get inmersed in my thoughts too, and ugly things come to mymind, that make me feel so bad for what I did. I feel so, so, undeserving of my wonderful husband. And I just cannot believe that he still wants to be with me.
I love him and I dont want to lose my marriage . I want us to be better than ever after all this emotions of anger,depression,frustration dissapear.
Hope your wife is feeling better today!
Take care of her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
MYRTA

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mnm693:
<strong> Hi everyone
Could some one tell me what this 180 thing is and where i can read about it
thanks </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TMCM has some great links in his "garage"- this is one of them

the garage: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=26&t=000016

the 180 link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=3&t=000476

Bob for President. (Prime Minister!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />