As you all know my WH has great difficulty talking about the A and consequently I have never had closure. I struggle on my own to come to terms with the A and very rarely discuss it with him because he either gets upset or angry.

On Saturday I was having a particularly bad day and tried to discuss how I was feeling with H. He again got upset and was actually tearful. I end up feeling so guilty that I spend the rest of the weekend sucking up to him.

Why do I do this??? He was the one that had a four year affair and yet I am the one making up to him everytime the A gets mentioned. Why is he making me feel guilty??

Enid YOU are making you feel guilty. It is your choice to respond in that way.

My FWW clams and tears up when I mention the A too. I hold her and say 'this may not be the time, we can discuss this when you are stronger' or similar.

Do NOT feel guilty over your WH's recollections making him upset. It is a consequence of his choiuce to have an A.be SYMPATHETIC if you have it within you but do not suck up.
All blessings.

Hi, Enid. Been there done that. Trying something different.

Are you seeing a counsellor? Is he? If he won't talk to you, maybe he will talk to a counsellor. BUt, some men feel so guilty and still so angry that they shut down and become defensive.

I was there 3 years ago. I felt such rage and was so hurt. Yet, when I tried to talk to him about his EA, his "stories" kept changing. He was in a MLC. He was bored, YADA YADA. Since I am going through it again I am insiting of better boundaries and talking to firneds and posting on this forum for my mental health. I noticed that women need to discuss things a million times while men seem to be of the "move on" school of thought. The book Men are from Venus, etc comes to mind. He might simply not be hearing what you are saying and might be "hearing" accusations and my favourite word "nagging". Have you asked him what he is thinking about your requests? Does he understand what your EN is in this instance?

He isn't in counselling, I am. He doesn't think he needs it. . .he says its over and done with and I must just leave it alone.

I mostly leave it alone but when I do on the odd occasion bring it up he ends up making me feel so guilty and Bob I guess you are right . . .its me making myself feel guilty. Our entire marriage has been based on me always being the one to make up. Not that we have ever fought much. . .this has been the biggest disaster in our lives and I am afraid I am not coping with it very well and added to that are the feelings of guilt everytime I try and explain how I am feeling. He has this uncanny way of making me feel like I have done something wrong in bringing up the A. Its like "why can't you leave it alone" and "I have been pure as the driven snow for the last 10 months and in your eyes that counts for nothing". It doesn't count for nothing. . .what he doesn't realise is that its going to take more than 10 months for me get past this.

I sometimes think I feel more guilty about bringing up the A than he feels about having the A.

Enid as happens so often on here I could of written som eof your words.

My FWW seems to want to just live as though she hasn't just ripped out my innards and spirit through a hole in my chest and just 'get on with it'.

And she is SO indignant if I say something or do something she doesn't like, about the A or anything else. Just like nothing happened. It scare sme cos I can't live like that for long. I can only pray that her heart and atitude changes.

Your husband too. It is not sustainable for him to be so forcefully unrepentant IMO.

all blessings !

I agree with you Bob. I know that had the roles been reversed I would be moving heaven and earth to try and make amends. As it is when I just mention the A and he guilt trips me I move heaven and earth to make amends and I have done nothing wrong.

I wish I could just detach from him . . .but I am afraid I have no idea how to do that.

Like you I cannot continue to live like that, I need to know that he is truly sorry and that it will never happen again.