Hello to all, update on my trip down this agonizing road! WH told me friday had to leave home and go see OW (lives in another state) to see if she is just a fantasy or not! Said his head was going to explode and felt like he was losing his mind! I followed the "let him go" principle, told him I loved him and if thats what he needed to do, I didnt want him to but I also do not wish to live in this state of confusion any longer (his fence sitting and still having contact w/OW).Told him my bank was empty and my giver is all given up (been a year now)! And I was at point for HIM to give me HIS PLAN for Recovery and if he could not do so to go! So, it was decided by both and I helped him pack (little angrily at first but quickly apologized). He left, did not hear from him nor did I call him all weekend. I have been somewhat distraught (of course) hung around my support team of friends, who let me cry. Tonight on my way home, I get a text msg.from WH stating "I Love You Very Much!" This floored me, he has never done this and for past year I rarily heard these words! I have not responded and guess this is appropriate considering what I have read. I dont know what to think unless he is returning from doing what he said he was going to do and maybe reality finally hit him or he had his weekend rendevous with OW (whom he has only been in physical contact with 2 days in 10 mths but had phone contact, email, etc. constantly)and is now coming back and wanting reassurance of my still being here by doing this...hmmm is this still a mind game, fog, or what? I guess time will tell. Any response of what to do now? Do I let him back this soon or stick to my declaration and see what HIS PLAN is going to be?

Sabot,
The following is only my opinion; others may disagree. While I understand that you are trying to be understanding and provide a safe environment for your WS to return home to, I think the real message you are sending (or that he is hearing) is "go have a little honeymoon with the OW and I'll be here whenever you decide to return." Are you comfortable with this? I doubt it. If not, then you need to be clear to him that you will not continue to share your husband. I suggest you look up some of Wat's and Ark's postings regarding setting boundaries and how not to be a doormat in Plan A.

I don't mean to be too critical, just trying to provide some feedback. Plan A is a fine line between being there for your WS and being a doormat. It's a difficult thing to balance and many people, including myself, have trouble with it.

Best wishes,
-BS

Thanks for input, but to clarify, I set my boundary and had him "move out"! He had to make a choice...go see OW and move out or stop all contact, work on R and stay at home! No more cake walking!!! He chose to go visit OW so he moved out!

Oh. Okay. Didn't catch that. So...are you in Plan B? If so, have you sent a letter? Broken off contact with him?

I'm asking because I'm about at the same point myself and am interested in how others are handling that transition.
Thanks,
-BS

What ever you do do not let him move right back in. That is what I did, and it got me no where except feeling good for about 2 weeks when we were back in the honeymoon phase again. Please stay strong and stand your ground and do not let him just walk right back in your life. Make him FIGHT for you!! Make him work for you. That way he doesn't think he can treat you anyway he wants and you will still be there. That is what I did, and here I sit 10 months later, he is not consistant, still wants OW, and treats me nice only when he feels like it. Not a great way to live. You are in the drivers seat right now. Do not give up!! You can do it.

Yes I have broken contact, it has only been since friday tho, when he left to go visit ow to see how he really feels! I have not done Plan B letter in writing, only verbally. He has text msg. me 3 times now, and I dont understand why he is txt. msg. me and not calling....can anyone explain this to me??? Today he txt msg. me x 2 stating "have a nice day, I love you and miss you". He has never text msg. me before!! I know I cannot let him back in right now but what do I do from here? Do I respond back? What action do I request from him now to move things in a positive direction? Do I stay DARK? and for how long???

GO DARK..............AFTER YOU WRITE A PLAN B LETTER. There are plenty on here as exmaples, just do a search. If you are looking for someone to tell you to go and take him back now, you won't find it. If you take him back right now, you are GUARANTEEING yourslef more misery down the road. There is no question about that. PLan B letter, followed by hard core PLan B. Do you have children?

thanks lemonman,

No children. I gave him verbal plan B, and he has known that he has to stop all contact with OW before he can come home! So what are some other conditions he needs to meet or how can he prove that he NOW wants to work on marriage other than stating this fact (which he has never really done before).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH told me friday had to leave home and go see OW (lives in another state) to see if she is just a fantasy or not! Said his head was going to explode and felt like he was losing his mind! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW...he pulled the "I'm in physical pain" card..with a dash of emotional blackmail. He's a piece of work...but I guess it worked for him if you let him come back home.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has text msg. me 3 times now, and I dont understand why he is txt. msg. me and not calling....can anyone explain this to me???
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I think he is using text message as the chicken <blank> way of dealing with the situation. If he texts you instead of calling, then he doesn't really have to "deal" with you. He doesn't have to be confronted with his actions.

He is a fence sitter and a cake eater...and if you play this game with him, the affair will be going on forever. There is NO reason for him to stop it because it is to his liking.

I would suggest a strong Plan B.

You told him that was it...so mean what you say...or do not say it. He will see your words as idle threats with no follow through.

JMHO
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