My H says that if I was to do what he did to me, that he would have left and never looked back.

I don't understand this as I love my H very much and as hard as this all is , I feel that doing what ever I can to save our relationship/marriage / family I'm going to do.

My H cheated on me, a few times. I found out by betrayed OW (whom knew about me and kids) but just had sex with my H. She felt it important to let me know because he got another W pregnate and she found out. Anyhow , it's done over with. My H is in counseling and wants to continue our marriage saying he never thought about ending it.

He has come to the conclusion he has a problem. Why is it then if I had a problem as such that he wouldn't be there beside me as I am for him.

Does he love me less??? He says he couldn't stomach it and he wouldn't.??

Anyone elses's spouses say the same?

Lori

I would think that statement would be said out of guilt.
The truth is, he has no idea what he would do in that situation until he was faced with it.
No one does.
I had thinking along those lines as well at one point in my life. Did I turn around and never look back? No. I have stood my ground and have fought as hard as I can to try to save my marriage.

I wouldn't put too much stock in what he said. For one, he's prone to fog talk...

I had always thought that if I were married to a woman and she had an affair, I would be out of there. The fact is, I'm still here 2.5 months later trying to work on our M. You never really know what you'll do in a situation until you are faced with it.

This experience has taught me that there's more in me than I thought.

TTSi said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The truth is, he has no idea what he would do in that situation until he was faced with it.
No one does.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well put....

Your H still sounds a little fogged.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does he love me less??? He says he couldn't stomach it and he wouldn't.??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This sounds to me like he may be opening the door to more A's. Testing the waters to see how you will react. I would be cautious.....Have you read Dr. James Dobson's "Love must be tough"? With as many A's that you are dealing with sounds like your H could be a serial cheater. You need to take some hard lines with him and let him know that you will NOT tolorate this again! Will you??? He needs to understand that things get tougher after you have been abused not easier. JMO

God Bless and Take Care,

C.

loriharris,
I said those exact words my whole M. "If I ever caught you cheating, you'd be out the door" Now 2+ years after his A, I'm still here. My thinking took a different turn when I was actually faced with it. He may be saying that now, but he doesnt actually know what it feels like to be betrayed. I bet his actions would not justify his words if it actually occured (not saying to try it either lol)
I think at one point, all of us BS's here have said at one point or another in our M's, that, "We wouldnt take it, we couldnt take it, we would leave" But we're all much stronger than that, aren't we??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I don't think that your H loves you less, it has very little to do with love. It has to do with personal makeup and endurance. I would never tolerate a serial cheater but I love my H very much. Just because you love someone does not mean they are suitable marriage material.

Even though I'm the FWW my first auto response is to say I feel I could not handle it if my H ever cheated.......yes, yes before all the 4x2 comes out I agree totally hypocritical, but its just the way I feel.

I was sure he felt the same before I did cheat & fully expected him to leave me after I told him but I guess you don't really know how you would deal with it until it happens.

All I'm sure of is that it has to do with love and forgiveness and we both are still working on that.

Before my EA, my H always said cheating is the ONE thing he would never tolerate or forgive and that he would not be able to stay in marriage. After my EA ended, I asked my H if he would stay with me and fight for the recovery of our M if my EA progressed to a PA and if he would fight for me if I would ever consider leaving him for someone else. He said although he doesn’t know for sure, he thinks he would most probably stay with me and fight for me and our M, but not if I was involved in an A of sexual nature. I must say I feel and think the same way than my H about this. Before my EA, I also said I would leave my H if he would ever cheat on me, but after I’ve learned from my own experience how easy A’s can happen, I’m not so sure about this anymore… I think I will be able to handle and forgive an EA, but certainly not a PA where sex was involved. But as TTSi and shmaley have said, you never really know what you'll do in a situation until you are faced with it… I guess this is true for me and my H as well. It is just, the thought of sexual betrayal (the most intimate act between two people physically and emotionally) is to hard to imagine...

I think my H have more emotional endurance than me and because of our personality differences, I think it would be much more difficult for me to forgive and let go emotionally if he was involved in a similar A than me… This is not because I love him less, but because I’m a different person than my H who elaborate & handle things and setbacks differently in life.

Suzet

Hi lori~

I also told my H I don't think I could do as he has done. His forgiveness and acceptance was so quick. Forgiveness has always come much easier for him than it has for me, though. He's never held a grudge, where I have--A LOT! However, he has said if someone were to have asked him prior to my A and OC if he would've so easily forgiven and stayed in the M, he probably would've said NO way. We can guess, and talk "big" as to what we'd do in any given situation, but I don't think we truly know till we're there.

Your H is probably in awe of your forgiveness and willingness to work things out. It's a very humbling thing for a WS, and it's difficult to imagine we could ever be that "good" if the roles were reversed.

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 08:52 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Thank you all very much for your replys! I can honestly say that I felt the same....I would not have forgiven him yet here I am.

The children make it worth it, 16 years of friendship make it worth it! I think that's why H's statement caught me so off guard!

I'm hangin in there despite what friends have said and despite what family that know have said. My in-laws for one are very supportive.

I guess I just feel that if I made a mistake I would want the same kind of treatment.

Lori

LH,
You'll find that the very best people in your life will always support your decisions when it is the right thing to do. Those same people will also not support you in doing the wrong thing.

It's the others, that always want to tell you what you should be doing, regardless if it's the wrong thing to do or not.