Okay I tried this yesterday and it didn't work so we will try again. First time here and here is the problem. About 6 mths ago my husband and I had a bad fight and I took off for the night - went to my daughters home. When I came back the fight started up again - some time during the few hours that followed I supposedly called him another name. I can't remember doing this but he insists I did. His name is John and the name I supposedly called his was Jim. Don't know any Jims - had a boyfried years ago by that name 30 yrs ago - don't know why or if I even did it. But regardless I am living a nightmare because he won't let go of this name issue. He thinks I was or am having an affair. Don't know how or when I am suppose to be doing this - I go to work everyday - car pool and come straigt home. I can't get through to him, he seems to let go for awhile and then it starts all over again. He says he doesn't think he will get over it. I have suggested counselling for him or both of us. He refuses to go - says there is nothing wrong with him - he heard what he heard and that is all there is to it. I have repeatedly stated that I did not cheat - I won't cheat - I took a vow and that I love him and would never do that to him. I have even offered to go and get a lie dector test done - he says no won't pay for that (500.00) and also said people can pass those test even though they are lying - I have never lied to this man. On Thursday night it all started up again - he is saying that it might be better now for him to find another place to live. I can't believe this is happening to me - I am being punished for something I am not guility of. We have been married for 9+ years - I can't believe a marriage can end for something like this. Have any of you gone through something like this and if you have what was the out come and how did you work things out how did you handled it how did you manage to hold on to your santity? You might want to know that everyone my husband was with in the past had cheated on him and he in turn cheated on them.

Help I feel like I am going insane. Don't suggest that I go for counselling I have been since this whole thing started.
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Red3069

Hi, there. I am a newbie too.
I call my kids wrong names, I have called them by the dog's name, by each other names, I have called my husband by his mother's name, etc. Sheesh it is just a name! Even if you did, so what? That said, could it be possible that since he is so insistent on not working things out by getting proof by taking a lie detector test, or going for joint counselling, etc, that this is an excuse for him to leave and blame it on you? Who starts the fights? Does he push your buttons deliberately to get you going? From what I have read, this can be a tactic used by cheating mates and mates who are thinking about it. THat way they can blame the BS for "making" them move out. And presto! They are guilt free. I am not suggsting this is the case but IMHO it raises a big flag.

BS 53
WH 43
1st D-Day Sep 2001
Recovery? October 2001
2nd D-day Sep 2004
Plan A/B who knows? Still trying to get up.

OOPS, reread your post. I see you are in counseling. and I also was married before and this tactic was used by my first H many many years ago. It was an excuse for him to justify his own behaviour.

Red3069, sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is strange behaviour. Have you ever given him reason to suspect anything recently or in the past? Is he just the jealous type? If you offered to take a lie detector test then that would pretty much make me happy, unless you were an internaionally trained spy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you have not done anything to warrant it, then maybe you should look at understanding his reasons / behaviour. Has he started to act different towards you, i.e. suddenly wanting time alone, suddenly starts regularly going out with his buddies, hiding his cell phone, etc? If he recentlt started exhibiting any of any of this type of behaviour is new the maybe he has alterior motives. Please don't become paranoid, this is just something that you need to consider if this behaviour has unexpected and suddenly come about.

It may also just be that he is insecure / hypersensitive and passing this insecurity onto you.

It's hard to determine why he is presently acting the way you describe without having a bit more background. Others will chime in and help you and the more info you can provide the better.

Okay the answers to your questions. Yes his behavior towards me has changed. He is more moody than what he used to be - *****y is what I would call it. Sometimes he seems okay - loving - this is mostly on the weekends. No he is not going out with his buddies, hiding cell phone etc.. He actually when he is working calls me frequently - most days - not every day. Last night was a typical *****ie day for him - he snapped at me for no reasons - it started early in the morning and continued last night - when I finally gave up and let him know I was feed up and didn't want to hear anything more come out of his mouth. Before that happened I said to him "I Love You" he didn't respond so I said "you could say it back to me". He responded, once again I wish I had a dollar for every time he has said this to me in the last few months - love isn't the problem. I knew what he meant by this because I found out the answer a long time ago when this whole thing started - it has to do with calling him someone elses name. So I responded very clearly "No we aren't going to go down that road again" and then I walked away. Do I think he is cheating - no. Two things that I have thought are : 1. Perhaps he has cheated on me when this whole thing started up - Could this be his own guilt coming out every so often?? Don't know but it is a possibility. 2. Or perhaps this is some kind of control thing - lets face it a lot of spouses out there would love to be able to control their mates if they could.
So if he had cheated on me going back a few months ago should I try to find out? And if so how?
Help I am still going through hell! Do I still love him - yes. Don't like him much lately.

Red,

If you don't learn anything else on these boards, hopefully you'll learn
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't control someone else, but you *can* learn to control yourself</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you want to be loved, you have to be lovable</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have to love someone else the way they want to be loved, not the way you want to be loved</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I'd respectfully suggest you work on how YOU are handling this situation, as that is really the only thing you have any control over. Changing your own behavior can be a very powerful tool.

when I finally gave up and let him know I was feed up and didn't want to hear anything more come out of his mouth.

How would you feel if you were treated in this manner? I wouldn't like it a bit! It totally shuts down communication. Please read up on love busters and learn to avoid them. Rather than an angry outburst in which you speak to him as if he were a child, or worse, you would be much better off letting him know how his actions make you feel. "H, when you say/do X, I feel attacked/hurt/ignored. Please don't yell/slam doors/ignore me." Work on helping him tell you what is behind his ****y behavior.

I said to him "I Love You" he didn't respond so I said "you could say it back to me".

Why do you tell him you love him? If you are telling him to let him know your heart is full of joy because he's in your life, that you are warm and fuzzy and glad to have him for a friend and mate, tell him those things. If you are saying it to elicit an "I love you" response then examine why you need to hear those words at that particular time, and tell him about it. "H, you're being very quiet and I feel like you might be angry with me, and that upsets me." You might find out he's stressed at work, you might find out he's thinking about the funny sound the car is making, or he might blow you off. You can't control how he responds to you, but you can open the door for him to respond appropriately.

Why *did* you tell him you loved him?

So I responded very clearly "No we aren't going to go down that road again" and then I walked away.

While it's very possible his behavior is due to his own guilt over something - a kind of smokescreen, if you will (I tend to favor this notion) - when you slam the doors of communication closed like this, it does nothing to improve the situation. How about "H, I think you're saying that you are still bothered by the 'Jim" thing. Is that what you're saying? What can I do to help alleviate any fears you are carrying?"

The thing is, although it looks like the problem is on *his* end (picking fights, bad attitude), you can't control that. You *can* change your own tendency to shut down communication. You can try to draw out whatever is behind his behavior.

Response - you know what the first couple of months I did exactly like you are say - tried to act like nothing was really wrong - except when he brought up the topic - when he did I tried to reassure him that nothing had happened - no one else - why would there be - I was so very much in love with him - he was my best friend etc. Guess what it didn't work. It seemed to fuel his furrie more. No you idea didn't work. You are missing the point here - I am NOT GUILITY of anything - Read my first post. Also read my past post on another site - they told me that I should try this topic. You know it's fine to take a little of abuse from a partner when they are confussed - but I have been living like this for over six months now. Unless you have been down this road - don't preach - my nerves are shot - since this whole thing started my health has been jepordized. As anyone out there been down this road??? Give some advise.

Red,

Calm down, then hear out my story..... less than 5 months after we were married, I blurted out another man's name in my sleep! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My H woke up (he is usually a sound sleeper) and shook me until I woke up (I am usually a light sleeper) and accused me of having an A. Me! We were newly weds.

Now why did I blurt out another man's name? Well, here's the real story:

I used to work for a payroll company. The day before (Saturday) I was working OT and a call for a co-worker named 'John' came in. Well most of the guys were out playing 'paintball' and the office was mostly empty. The bad part is that the incoming call was from a customer where 'John' had promised to come into the office to process some year end paperwork..... kinda important W2 stuff. But 'John' was out playing paintball. So when I picked up the phone, the client yelled at me for 20 minutes. It took me that long to calm him down and stressed me out.

That stress must have been more than I realized. The next evening, in my sleep I blurted out John's name because I dreamt I was yelling at this co-worker for not being responsible enough to be at work as he promised.....leaving me to take the unsuspecting brunt of an angry and powerful client. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I didn't call out his name is a loving way in my dream. H couldn't recall my tone too well but I knew I was yelling.... LOL!!!

It took a while to convince my H that I was NOT having an A. Even offered to introduce H to this co-worker. When I went back to work on Monday, I gave 'John' the message and a piece of my mind.

It is an incident I never forgot and a story I have told countless of times.

Share this with your H and then ask him, what is the cause for his anger. Does he NOT want to trust you or is there something else? If you are innocent of these charges, then put the onis back on him. Don't take his anger and stress yourself out.

Hope this helps.

L.