Hi Everyone
Heres a little backround my second marriage we have been together 11 yrs and have a 2yr old that
we went to great trouble to have artifical incemination.

My husband recently advised me that since i had not put the baby on a schedule to go to bed early and i never wanted to go anywhere with him that we have a problem, since i would say things like we dont have the passion we use too and he would respond the babys up we cant spend time together etc...
One day about 2 months ago he just cut me off emotionally and said he didnt know what he wanted anymore, of course i panicked. I started trying to fix things got the baby on schedule and tried to make special attempts to show how much i loved him. NOthing seemed to change at all and so i got
to thinking if he didnt seem to care about me there must be someone else.

So I started checking his cell phone and looking up numbers and found a number to a girl that i thought might be the one. During this time he was very withdrawn and didnt want to talk he had earlier in the year hurt himself and was in physical theraphy and all he talked about were these girls and guys at the rehab and i was of no intrest to him at all .
THE girls name was the same first name of one of the therapist and i thought i had caught him, I confronted him, he said and i verified that it wasnt the same girl and that the number i had was a wrong number that had called his phone one day.

Needless to say i showed him i didnt trust him and the fact he has worked 6 days for the past 4yrs and has no time for anything just made him made.
OH yes and right before he had started drinking and needing to be alone and when we had a fight he left and didnt return till the next day made me feel even more insecure.

We are at an empass he said hes not sure he can forgive me for not trusting him and he is too mad to decide right now. So we are living together and as long as i dont say anything he acts ok and has also told me he loves me but hes not in love with me anylonger and will not go to counciling.

Sorry so long any suggestions please
Thanks

mnm.....

Sounds like you are on the right track. Read up on Plan A. Hopefully, some of the MB guru's will chime in.

Keep looking. Sounds like your H definitely is in an EA or PA. Too many excuses and typical "I love you, but am not IN love with you".

Is this your H's second marriage too?

K

Yes this is my h second marriage too, His first only lasted 2yrs and she left him, for an older man

me 42
h 34

So, he would know what it feels like to be the BS.

At some point, you will have to discuss this with your H. I think you come to a place where you can just state your position, calmly and without LB's.

Then, if he does get mad, and is not willing to come out with whatever IS going on with him, you will at least have had your say.

I just had to get to the point where I was very calm and civil, and just let WH get mad if that's what he wanted to do.

With NO reaction from you.

There are several things to look for on this site....the 180 list, Plan A & B, etc. Look for TMCM's garage - I don't know how to make a line, so maybe someone here will help you with that. There's lots of good stuff there.

Read everything you can. Get a hold on yourself and your emotions. They will surely lead you astray.

Keep your chin up.

K

Yes I feel I need to talk to him and I tried last week and he got mad , altough I didnt ask what was going on or what he wanted to do about the situation, he only talked about the big fight that started this when I accused him and blamed me also for any of the other peoples involvement, so my actions and about 5 other peoples actions are my fault and he is very mean and cruel and not ready to forgive so i was giving him time.

I know I am a peacekeeper and a comforter and want to make everyone happy so its a down fall of mine to overtalk a situation but I just cant see that trying to get to the root of the problem is a bad thing.But he said I cant just leave things alone ,so thats what i was trying to do.

He left last night saying he was taking a drive
he was gone for over 5 hrs and he said he ended up at the sports bar and ran into old high school friends, then said he was going to bed, we stood there for a moment i told him my heart was beating out of my cheast he said why and i said i was scared, I hugged him and told him i love him and began to cry. He went to bed

Sorry, all of the signs of an affair are there. I would assume he is having an affair and start on Plan A. Read all about it on the link in my sig line.

WS's usually lie and deny there is an affair. But it will come out sooner or later. I would not mention it again, but carefully gather information.

Thanks for your support and everyone elses
i guess i just want to believe
But all i can do is pray and read and have hope for the future of my family

There are one of 2 possible scenarios here, and your H is reacting poorly either way:

1. He IS innocent of any affair - rather than being mad at you for your suspicion and lack of trust, he should be trying to figure out what it is that caused it to begin with. He should be trying to work WITH you on your fears, not AGAINST you.

2. He IS having an affair, and is pulling the usual WH defensive "I don't know what I want" maneuver on you as has been pointed out above.

So...the moral of the story is, he's got a problem, and now it's becoming yours.

I would do all the detective work you possibly can to find out the real truth behind these phone numbers and his whereabouts. Then confront him with calm and love with the evidence, make sure to keep backup copies somewhere.

My BS/WW did it to me and got all she needed to know from my OW...and I did my digging into her A as well and uncovered her lies.

The truth will set everyone free, too bad us WS's don't realize that from the get-go.

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

Did you and your H have counciling during the time that you were dealing with infertility issues? I'm just asking because I know that infertility can be a huge stressor for couples- and I wonder if somehow that is part of what is going on with your H?

Hi Vnusmars
thanks for your reply i feel and know he has a problem he should have forgiven me by now and started the healing process and working towards
a better situation.
hI SADfww
NO, we didnt he knew i could not have children when we started dating and i told him not to date me if thats what he wanted i had my tubes tied at
20 i have a 22 yr daughter and 23 yr son from 1st marriage. It was a dream to have a baby and I found out that my empoyer insurance paid for 80 percent and so we went thru it and it worked praise God for my wonderful son, we were so happy
but we were alone for the first 8 yrs of our marriage. And of course things did change after the baby, and i am 42 hormones, baby needs and prioritys etc.......