Life is very humbleing, overwelming and exhausting. I am so tired and drained I really do not know how I even got out of bed this morning. My body is running on fumes right now. I spent my weekend (it was a long weekend, I had Thursday and Friday off of one of my jobs) working, playing with my kids (even though nothing I did was good enough for them, all they did was pout), I did yard work, and tried to spend time with my husband(the little time I did have with him was pretty good- we were able to talk some). I feel like I am constantly being pulling in 5 directions and nothing is ever good enough. I am only one person burning the candles at both ends, just trying to keep the house running and the H and kids happy; and the flames are now one. I am spent. I feel at bottom, both emotionally and physically. I wear my heart on my sleave and H stomps on it whenever the desire hits him, and treats it with care occasionnally as well. H does not understand why I want him to delete OW number and e-mail address, and does not seem at all interested in helping with the kids or house, or me. I have been trying to do it all for so long, and I feel used, and actually rather depressed. Please help. I can no longer do this and function.

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

Sorry to bump myself. I know it is a pity-me post. I am not trying to make it that way, I am just at a complete loss. I feel like I can not even control my own emotions thoughts or feelings. I am exhausted and short with my wonderful children. What is my deal, does anyone know? Can anyone help?

Kmej I am sorry you feel so low and I can certainly identify with how you feel.

When I hot the skids during plan A I just released what was out of my control to God more out of desperation than faith and lo-and-behold He fixed that stuff for me.
I relaised that I couldn;t MKE my FWW love me, help in recovery or anything. I concentrated on making ME an attractive and confident spouse and a great Dad.

Fortunately those things are ALSO good for recovery as well as for the kds and myself.

KMEJ just release your care for the stuff you can;t change. Give it to God, really. It works practically, I am not a holly roller,just a bloke with a seed of faith.

All blessings.

PS never get short with your kids. Indulge them, go beat a carpet or something. They have enough to deal with.

I am very much a newbie at all of this. I just found out about my husband's EA (supposedly EA only) a week ago. I was a total quivering mess for five days until I went to the Dr. and got a prescrip for an anti-depressant (of course it takes several weeks for that to kick in) and also a scrip for Xanax. The Xanax has been a godsend. Almost immediately I felt more in control, and much more clear-headed. I was really able to get a better grip on my raging emotions so I could start doing the work I needed to to begin to seriously start to face what I am up against. I only took the Xanax for a few days, but having that little bottle handy helps me have a feeling that when I lose control again that there is some kind of life-line to calm me dowon a bit. You sound so depressed, I hope you will talk to your dr about something for the depression.

You don't say in your post whether or not you or both of you are in counseling. At this point, my husband is not interested, and has moved out at least temporarily, but I am definitely going to go to a counselor myself just for help in sorting out my own feelings. Please consider counseling for your own sake, and for your children.

I am very much a newbie at all of this. I just found out about my husband's EA (supposedly EA only) a week ago. I was a total quivering mess for five days until I went to the Dr. and got a prescrip for an anti-depressant (of course it takes several weeks for that to kick in) and also a scrip for Xanax. The Xanax has been a godsend. Almost immediately I felt more in control, and much more clear-headed. I was really able to get a better grip on my raging emotions so I could start doing the work I needed to to begin to seriously start to face what I am up against. I only took the Xanax for a few days, but having that little bottle handy helps me have a feeling that when I lose control again that there is some kind of life-line to calm me dowon a bit. You sound so depressed, I hope you will talk to your dr about something for the depression.

You don't say in your post whether or not you or both of you are in counseling. At this point, my husband is not interested, and has moved out at least temporarily, but I am definitely going to go to a counselor myself just for help in sorting out my own feelings. Please consider counseling for your own sake, and for your children.

I do my best not to be short with them, as I know they are struggleing too, however my 7 year old is SO VERY MOUTHY, and my 4 year old does not listen to a word I say, nor does he stay in bed at night. My 1 year old is very clingy, and will cry if I am not carrying him (it makes it hard to mow the lawn, I have carried him, but my arm gets tired). I do so much to just try to keep them happy and sheltered, as they have already witnessed more in there few years then they should in a lifetime. I am struggleing to keep up the act. I am pretty much a single parent with a man called my husband as my roommate. Is it typical for my husband to be so up and down towards me 10 months after the affair supposidly ended? I like what I read in another thread, they called it the Fishing effect, giving us enough lead until we almost get away and then reel us back in, only to let the lead out again. It is so frustrateing.

kmej, leave stuff that your H can do to him and concentrate on being there for your kids. My kids were badly behaved during the A until I pulled my finger out and invested hugely in them.

Some chores and stuff was left to my FWW who wasn;t impressed, but y'know, stuff her.

My kids behaviour started improving very quickly after I invested more time in them. Now Mum is back online too they are pretty much back to normal.
BTW my 7YO is a mouth on legs too ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All blessings. You'll get through it.

Bob,
How did you get your spouse to pitch in? My H just gets upset that the house is a mess, and tells me that I do not do any thing. It hurts me. If I ask him to do anything he makes a huge deal out of it. Yes he works, but I work too. Yes I willingly took on the second job to help us not be so strapped. However I work 35 hours a week at one jon and between 15-20 at the other, then I do 95%++ of the house work, and I want to play with the kids, and bake with them, and then that leaves me up until 12-1 everynight to get the chores around the house done, and then back up at 6 to start over again. That leaves me exhausted and spiteful. I told my husband I would not longer Iron his clothes for him as he was making fun of me for making him say please, so I now refuse. Maybe I am missing something that WS goes through, right now his life seems so much easier then mine. Yet he says it is not.

How do you best deal with your 7 year old? I have tried everything that I can think of, and he either whines, whimpers, mouths off horrible, or calls his Grandma and makes me out to be this bad guy. I can not win.

KMEJ I said to FWW in a calm 'plan A' manner :
" The kids need some TLC from me right now, and that is my priority. Please join us in both family activities and in domestic stuss to help us.

Also , well, while FWW was sulking teh house didn't get much TLC. It was hygeinic, but untidy. I only laundered and ironed the clothes we went out in. I cooked batches of stuff and froze the extra.

No big deal. It shamed my FWW into both helping our around the house AND joining in family events.

Your Husband sounds like an ignorant male chauvanist pig, if he leaves all the work to you and tells you you're a slob if the house is untidy...sorry.
I know...I was a little like that before the affair (without the verbal abuse) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> fixed now ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Re the kids I just stoppe dgetting uptight. They have a horrible situation to deal with right now. I made a joke of tantrums, and joine din illicit bed-jumping sessions. At bedtime I started a routine where I'd start off a dream and my 7YO would add a scene to it. Each dream lasted a week of 'episodes'. Its kinda BORING building a scenario with him EVERY NIGHT but it settles his mind off and lets him sleep without a fight.Also I found talking to my son about why he is so angry or sad worked wonders.Oh, and PRAY !

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All blessings

I am just as much to blame as he is. When I get home I often get upset with him for not having the house at least semi picked up. I tell him that watching a movie everyday (he works evenings) is not a priority. He gets upset with me and says I never notice anything he does so why should he do it????

I guess maybe we are both feeling underappriciated, however I do not see him doing anything around the house, okay very little. I feel when I do point it out to him that he thinks that carries him for a month or two. I just wish my husband and I were more a team instead of not. I think that would help with our childrens behavior as well.

My 7 year old goes to bed pretty good most days, it is my 4 year old that always needs a drink, then a hug, then a kiss, then to go potty, then just to play, or he can't see. It is so cute, but I need my down time too. I feel horriable and selfish when I crack down on them. I want to be their buddy, but I also need to be there parent. I bake with them, take them out side, set up playdates, go to parades and anything else I can think of, it is not longer a treat to them now it is expected. I know that they love me as they are always excited when I get home,I just wish they respected and listened to me. How do I obtain that?

::::: It is so cute, but I need my down time too. I feel horriable and selfish when I crack down on them. I want to be their buddy, but I also need to be there parent. I bake with them, take them out side, set up playdates, go to parades and anything else I can think of, it is not longer a treat to them now it is expected. I know that they love me as they are always excited when I get home,I just wish they respected and listened to me. How do I obtain that?

There is no easy way out of this for you. Basically you, YOU have to take charge of this situation in your home. I am not a professional so am not really sure of this advice but it's what my commonsense tells me after raising two kids and watching my friends raise their kids. Forget the situation with your husband for now. Sort out your kids, and you may well sort out your marriage.

I remember telling my best friend that her kids, as cute as they were (3 young boys) were out of control. Her wonderful H was overwhelmed by the disorder and chaos. He was looking for excuses to stay at work. Have you noticed how you give people advice and they never take it? Boy did she take my advice. I must ask her about it some time, but in the years that followed, she tuffened up waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past anything I could have done. She was one tuff mommie.

Guess what? Her boys are between 24 and 21 now and they are wonderful boys. Oldest one is an engineer and the other two are doing ok - and will do well in the future because she set boundries for them when they were young. Strong, firm boundries. Firmer than I set mine, and I think her boys are better for it. And mine are no slouches - but I think mine would have been happier if I'd been tuffer on them when they were young.

We don't do our kids any favors by going soft on them. We (and I include myself here) spoilt them with love and material things, or just attention - and it's not what they need. As long as kids are treated respectfully and cared for - they know they are loved - it's not your responsibility to entertain them or pander to their every need.

My girl friend gave all her boys regular chores to do. She was strict and firm. They got into trouble e.g. broken limbs and mischief that was borderline - but I feel she was so strong and firm that they learned that they weren't the centre of the universe - they are people sharing with other people in life. They have to learn their place. You have to explain to them that things are going to change and put some order into your family. Your husband is practically useless - but if he sees you being strong and firm, he will gain new respect for you. Jump off the treadmill you are on and take charge. Give up worrying about the OW for now. If she was so good he'd have gone with her already.

You are tired out. I understand. Get yourself some herbal help or vitamins that will pick you up. St. John's Wort is good for energy and stress (unless you are on the pill - check out if it's ok in that case) or a mega Vit B is excellent for stress. And go to the library and start reading about how to raise your kids right. You are trying to compensate for what is wrong in your marraige and you cannot do that. They will be fine if they perceive you as fine. Truly, kids take feelings/attitudes from the parents. If they see you as weak and out of control, they will be weak and out of control.

I am not saying to be cruel or beat them. Look after them but stop giving them your every last ounce of energy. A messy house is not important. If H want's it clean then tell him to clean it. Really, it is not a priority. You kids won't care if it's messy - it's not going to make them better people - it's not a health hazzard or part of what is really important in life. What they care about is you being happy and strong. Be strong with and for them. To bed and no arguments etc.. You can turn it into a challenge for them. You can tell them that they are on a new program to help them grow up to be happy and responsible people and that it's being done for their good. Even the four yo will take in some of this - if you say it often enough.

Kids are smart. They know when they are being loved and treated right. Make sure it's the right kind of right and your life will get better.

Hi, KMEJ. You do sound low. Are you on any ADs? or in counselling or both? Keep your chin up and $crew the housework. No one every died from a messy house.
Your kids are far more important. If H is pi$$ed at the house tell him that if it bugs him, to clean it himself. You have a different priority. Yours and his kids.

So, I am getting on my soapbox now. THe following is my opinion and the rules that I have lived by. No offense meant just my own opinion! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Children always pick up how you are feeling when you are your lowest. Then they act up because they could be feeling insecure.

I have raised 4 children so know something about motherhood. Have you ever been in a restaurant and run into the kids running around instead of sitting? Or, in grocery store screaming, whining and gimme gimme.

I firmly believe that you are not doing them any favours by letting them dictate to you by their inapproriate behaviour. That does not teach them self-control if they don't see it in you. You are their role model. And what they see you do is how they will act. If you let them get what they want because they act out but it is so cute; Think about this: How "cute" is that behaviour in a teenager or a full grown adult? See what I mean? Stick to your guns. And enforce bedtime.

You need adult time for you and your H. Not kids 24X7. You need time to recharge.How is this helping your relationship with your H? Are you in Plan A? Can you meet his ENs if you are too tired or frazzled. Can you be at your best?

IMHO, you are NOT your childrens' friend. Your job is to teach them the right way to act and how to behave.

Did you know that the number one preventable cause of bad behaviour in children is sleep deprivation? It causes health problems as well as school problems with concentration anger management, etc. A child up to the age of 12 needs 10-12 hours minimum. Teenagers need even more.

My youngest daughter is 12. Her bedtime is 8:00pm She starts getting ready for bed at 7:30 and she has half an hour to get her things together. There is no negotiation. I set the rules. They have a routine that include a drink, brushing their teeth and using the washroom. So, no excuses for getting out of bed unless they are ill. Even if they want to give me another kiss, (well that one is too hard to resist)

I do not respond to emotional blackmail. I am the "boss" the "mother", etc. Please don't think I am mean or ignore my kids or any of that stuff. I am a kind and caring mother and all my kids have a close relationship with me. BUt,there is a line. I do not cross it and they know the boundaries. I am strict but fair.

So, I will now get off my soap box <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Keep your spirits up and vent vent vent. ANd take care of yourself.

BS 53

DS27,DD25,SS16, DD12

Your H has no clue as to what is involved in the rearing of three kids and a house. He will never get it. I speak from experience.

Several years ago I resented my H because I took care of the home, finances, children and worked full time and pulled in a bigger paycheck. I was angry and itentered into my relationship. Not only that, but I was too tired for sex and started gaining weight from the stress, lack of down time and bought meals.

Iwas VERY unhappy and so was my H. I deceided that I could no longer live like that. I told my H that that was it and I was going to stay home with the kids for a while. I told him he had to find a better job and that we would need to live on less.

Well-during this time he had his affair-I didn't know and found out after we moved and I quit my job. Now I was really angry. I thought wow, I gave all that up for a better family life and now (or during) he is having an affair while I'm doing all this.

I pulled myself together and started to be a wife and mother. I no longer resent doing the majority of the home work as that IS my job. I cook for the family and have lost a huge amount of weight. It is the hardest job I have ever had, but the kids are under control and out of daycare. They are my kids now and not being raised by others.

Sex? I want it more than ever-I don't resent him and look foward to our "stress relief". As for the house, with three kids it will NEVER be in order unless you all move out. Validate his feeling, yes-it's a mess-let's pick one room to keep clean-or if you are well off-say yes we need a maid to come in and clean 2 hrs a day.

If he wants you to be the wife, then be the wife, but he needs to step up to the plate and be the man and the sole support of the family and be happy with it. I used to be very femminist, but I have learned that thousands of years of evolution just don't go away.

Check out Dr Laura's Proper care and feeding of husbands. Oh-and what happened is that now I have a H who does things for me with a smile on his face. I can't explain it, but he does more now without the resentment, but it took us both being responsible for our "roles". When you have three kids you really need to think about it. I'd bet it costs you more to work than to stay home. This works for us. JMHO

I just love all the advise on childrearing!! Keep it coming, actually I think I might start a new thread for that one.
As far as making more if I stay home. My H and I work opposite shifts because we can not afford daycare. I work 7-2:30 and H works 4-1am. When I work my other job (Fri-Sat) my M.I.L. watches the kids. We usually get about an hour together between jobs, but H is usually watching a movie or on the computer. Which is a major irritation for me. He leaves all the dishes from the day on the counter, and does not do house work. In all honestly if he would just give me a hug or say hi when I got home, and then spend all the time we have (the hour) with me, or spent the day playing with the children; I would not even mind the extra house work.

Yesterday when I got home the house was just distroyed and he was again watching a movie with the boys (not a good movie for a 1 and 4 year old either- Batman something) and he was sleeping and they were awake. That is all fine and good, but the house was a MESS and it was obvious that no effort was put into it. He woke up and walked right past me with out saying anything, went upstairs and I followed him, nothing. He put on his swimsuit and went in the Hottub, did not ask me to come. So I took the kids outside to play. Finally he asked us to come in. The boys were happily playing in the back yard (in view) so I just went in. I asked him why he did not do anything around the house and that I was so frustrated with having more on my plate and that I was running on empty. He then informed me that I do NOTHING, that I can not even figure out how to unload the dishwasher before I go to bed, or put the laundry away, much less keep the house vacuumed. I looked at him (hurt and honestly angry) and asked him if he did not know how to pick up clothes or where the dishes go. Anyway this is all pointless details. It was a calm yet slightly LBing conversation. He was being not so nice, and I said in all honestly that I did not think that this was working at all. I told him how I felt I was being treated and how he never makes time for me or the family and that I was truely unhapppy. When I was done he asked if he got to complain now, I said sure, and he said he had nothing to say. Then left for work and pretended that the whole conversation never happened. UGH!

::::I used to be very femminist, but I have learned that thousands of years of evolution just don't go away.

New Jersey, great post. I love the above comment. I really must read the book you mentioned. Does it grate at all?

AN

Didn't you say at the beginning of this thread that your H still has the OW's contact nos on his phone. Can't you delete them? If they reappear then you'll kind of have an idea if there is still contact. Might throw some light on his atrocious, immature behaviour.

Maybe you could come up with some kind of chore routine for all of you. Maybe if it's all written down and looks fair and evenly divided, it will be harder to ignore. Mostly, a woman will get the bigger load but they can assist you. You are already working terrible hours outside of the home so you really need routine and so do your kids. Your WH has got to help you.

Take care. Is there a possibility you have a post-natal depression that may have gone undiagnosed? What about your WH taking on the extra job instead of you? As an outsider looking in, it seems something needs to change soon for the sake of your health. Good luck. TT

It's very interesting. I really did a 180 and at times I really miss the great self esteem that comes with a job outside the home, but really, there was no other solution. I found Dr Laura's book way after I made the changes and I was so surprised that she too had followed the same path, sort of. She got there sooner and I don't think her husband had an affair-but heck she's Dr Laura Slessenger (sp?)

I think the more we go around, the more we find that the traditional way really does work a whole lot better. There is something about really running your home and taking care of your man that triggers in him the desire to take care of you. They (Hs) truely rise to the occasion and start to do for you because they WANT TO!! It is REALLY very conservative, but honestly, there is no one more surprised than me. My kids are doing great now. THey have made so many positive changes. I am there to do homework with them, we bake cookies. Sure I drive a wreck of a car, but who cares. My family is really happy now.

K, I didn't realize he was in contact. I don't know what you should do. As far as cleaning-my greatest tip is to pick up everything on the floor, put things in piles or baskets and if you can clear counters and table tops and make the beds the house will look good, even if not cleaned.

You are doing so many jobs now. Homemaker, mother, laundry oh the list just keeps going, If he wants you to work, type up a list of everything you do-I mean break laundry in sort wash dry fold put away hang and iron. Tell him if he wants to continue like this then he needs to pick half of the chores on the list. You need to be very specific.

I can't tell you how very happy my H is he doesn't have to do anything, nor do I need to ask him. I find he now does things because he feels like it and wants to make ME happy and unload ME.. Yep-I'm the shocked one. No one from my past would believe what I do now.

As far as deleating the numbers, he has made it very clear that that is not an option and he would be very upset if I did.
I think writing what I do is a good idea, I will do that, however I do not think that will make much of an impact for him. He has worse hours then I do he only has one set day off a week and that is only because he is on a bowling league. I rememeber working nights and it sucks because while your off all you friends are working. However on Tuesdays and Thursdays our 4 year old goes to preschool from 12:30- 3:50 so he only has the baby, which to me would be a vacation.

The second job was my choice so I could sign the kids up to do stuff and so that we were not paycheck to paycheck so to speak. He likes the money (I waitress) however thinks the people I work with are losers and does not want me talking to them.

As far as a chore list that might help out and take some of the tension away, and pressure off of me. Good plan.

Do men really like being taken care of? I do the shopping, housework, homework, yardwork (mowing, raking, shoveling) I do baths, bed, booktime, dishes, cooking, ect. I have done all this for years, I feel it has just turned my H rather lazy because he knows I can do it all. When is he going to start doing stuff for me? When I stop complaining maybe. Maybe that is the problem. However when I just do it he does not notice or acts like it is my job. I just want more of his time and attention so I do it all in hopes of getting some, but I still don't and I get resentful!

KMEJ

"Do men really like being taken care of? I do the shopping, housework, homework, yardwork (mowing, raking, shoveling) I do baths, bed, booktime, dishes, cooking, ect. I have done all this for years, " plus he car servicing, oil changes, rotating tyres, painting, installing doors, plumbing, laying floor tiles, and the rest!!

You are kidding right???????

your ans is YES !!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ok to be fair he was deployed a lot of the time and was injured for the last year so I'll let him off, but I'm sure if he could work out a way for me to drink his beer and eat food for him he would!!

Ok might be a little exaggeration - not much - , he does do a lot when hes ok and here .... But what has peeved me for 18 years is that he drops clothes as he moves across the room undressing on the floor and the 'fairies' just pick them up, wash them, and irons them - 'apparently' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

To be fair he doesn't care if the house is messy & if somehting has to be done he just does it.

AS for the kids, one word from him and they do what they like - don't ask me how that happens to man who can boss around some of the toughist nastiest ruthless men in the world - always have been able to twist Dad around their fingers. He just can't stay mad at them.
But it works for us, no drugs, no trouble and happy little vegemites.

What do you think of me super gluing his clothes to the floor where he drops them, I've tried everything else???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think that was hilarious. I actually laughed out loud at the whole drinking and eating bit!!

Men- I want to raise my boys better then that.

Why are men so dependent on those things but can go hunting for days, planning it to every little detail, can even pack for themselves, and grocery shop, yet don't notice when they use the last of the milk or put the last diaper on the baby and not go get more??