I'm hurting today. It's Monday, the day that OM and I would usually be talking away after nc over the weekend. It's been six days since we decided that our EMA is not worth losing everything over. We haven't talked.

My husband doesn't meet my emotional needs. I've discussed it with him, asked for MC, all to no avail. I'm afraid that I can never regain for my H all that I had before the EMA. Sometimes looking at him I just feel like I cannot touch him.

I'm consumed with thoughts of OM. I want to call him or e mail him but I'm trying not to. I'm praying for strength to resist the temptation.

Why is this like a drug? Is it the fantasy?
HELP!

Is your husband upset over the A and just doesn't want to go to MC?

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" and "Torn Asunder"? These books go through the 'stages' of healing -- especially "Torn Asunder".

I know you're hurting right now and I don't have an answer for you. But from what I have read, both in books and on these message boards, it does get easier.

Just keep in mind that if you see or talk to OM, you are only going to start over with the pain of withdrawal.

As a BS, I beg you not to talk to OM. Your marriage can be saved. I know that things seem hopeless right now, but know that there is hope for you and your H.

I want you to know that I'm praying for you and your H.

cmesmile -

It hurts to hear your story. I wish my WW was at your stage (as painful as it is). You've made the heroic decision to work on M, something your H should not take lightly.

What you say about your H sounds exactly like what my WW says about me... I don't meet her needs. The big difference is that I WANT to meet her needs, I just don't know how. I have asked her numerous times to go to MC, or IC, but she will not. WW just responds that I haven't met her needs in 28 years, why should she think I can start now?

So....kudos to you for working on your M even while your H may not meet your needs.

I don't want to threadjack, but I would love to hear what needs it is you have that your H doesn't meet. If we have a match, maybe you could shed some light on how I can meet WW's needs, and maybe I can help you see how to talk to H to help him understand.

What do you think?

It's not fog...
It's not fantasy...

it is all of your creation....

the basis for an affair to work and thrive...
is the seperation of what your marriage is...
and the creation of what it is or not in order to have and rationalize the affair...

our brains...
all brains ...
are expert rationalizers....

For a long time you have created and fed in to your thought patterns of putting great
time
emotional energy
thought energy
and
feelings
in to your relationship with the OM...
and how bad your marriage is/was...

all these things you stole from your marriage and your spouse...

the void you speak of your husband not filling your needs is partly of your own creation..

you positioned yourself both emotionally and in action to not let your husband fill any needs...

the logical truth...
is that EVEN IF your husband was the WORST husband to ever inhabit this planet...

none of the actions of an affair...
address
or
repair that issue...

If anything they magnify it
and make it even worse in your head than they probably are/were......

we humans cling to the known...
and what has become your known

is the OM
contact with the OM
conversations with the OM...

you now fear the unknown...
and what is unknown is what type of marriage you ARE capable of having...
becuause you have yet to focus your emotions and talent on creating the type of marriage you crave....

and the easiest route appears to not even try...
again human nature...the path of least resistance...

it is infact elementary my dear...

The destructive side of this is that you used yourself and this OM to fill things....that really can't be filled in the light of day...

people don't dislike EMA's for no good reason....they bring great pain to all parties involved...
the
WS
the BS and
the OP.....

they are epitomy of taking something called love...one of God's most precious gifts...and twisting that word and it's meaning in to something that it was never meant to be or be used as....

BUT and this is the most important part....

If you believe that disclosing the affair to your husband would visit violence upon you...
then your must realize that you have no marriage...

and you must leave the marriage...period....

If you love your husband as a child of God...then you must give him the right to choose if wants to be married to someone who cheated on him....
he deserves the right to make informed decisions about his life...and realistically his own health which may be at risk .....

BUT

people can not in good conscience advise you to disclose if you believe there is the chance of violence being directed towards you.....
for there is nothing to rebuild...
create
or have...
If you are married to a person who could do this...


that is not marriage...
never has been
never ever should be...

you need to really examine that thought...
you need to really dig deep and err on the side of safety
and if like you said in another post that he would harm you...
then you must be safe...
period...

ARK

Cmesmile,

The “drug” is the chemical reaction in the brain (endorphins, or some such thing) when people are “in love.” I’ve seen shows on TV that say that this is a natural occurrence (even when both people are single). Bottom line, it feels good. The fantasy is that people “should” or can feel like that all the time with the right person. That’s just not practical (and I’m not sure it’s possible – even when the R is appropriate).

In any case, even though you feel your H hasn’t been filling your needs, if you want to save your M, OM has got to go – not only because your R with OM is foggy, or a chemical reaction, or fantasy, but because you are already M and have made a commitment to your H, and you want your M to work.

I know it’s hard. Believe me, I know it’s hard. I’m a FWW, 2 years and a couple of months past d-day. What I finally had to decide was that NO MATTER HOW MY H ACTED – i.e., not filling my needs, acting like an @ss, or whatever – I WOULD NOT CONTACT OM, because IT WAS WRONG. I had to be a better me, no matter how anyone else behaved. Period.

You’re feelings are sore right now, and contacting OM would be a “quick fix,” but the high would not last long, I promise. It would be accompanied by a massive dose of quilt, fear, and disappointment in yourself.

It is said over and over, in “real life” as well as on this board, that we can’t change others, we can only change ourselves. Work on being the best person and wife that you can be (read the books and materials suggested on this site, get MC, get IC, get hooked up to a church, etc. – use whatever resources you can find).

Once you begin concentrating on ways YOU can fill your H’s needs, you might be surprised how willing he might be to fill yours. Of course, there are always extenuating circumstances, and I don’t know your H or what your life with him is/has been like. However, even if after you do your utmost best to save your M, it still fails, you will still be the best you ever, and hopefully better prepared to face whatever comes next.


God bless,

Rose

Cmesmile,

I just read your post on another thread, where you said that your H wants sex, but won't give you affection. This seems to be a common theme in the timeless "battle of the sexes." For some men (my H included) sex IS the way they show affection, and they just can't seem to understand (or care?) that it isn't the same for women.

That's something that will have to be addressed sometime with your H, if you could sit and discuss it without fighting. A "referee" might help. lol - MC. I haven't read enough to know if your H will go to MC, sorry. But if he won't, will he fill out the questionaires in HNHN?

Also, I understand that you fear violence if you tell your H about your A. Has he ever been violent in the past? I was afraid of my H, too, but my confession had the opposite effect. He crumpled. It's hard to know what your H will really do, but if you decide to confess, do it in a safe environment (MC, pastor's office, or someplace with close family members or friends present.) Also, have a plan of where to go if you need to leave your home.

Another thing I feared (and I imagine you do, too) is that H would harm OM. It's impossible to know if anyone (even a usually nonviolent person) will "snap" and hurt someone. That's very scary, and I don't know how to predict or prevent it, except to pray.

Also, if others know (as mentioned above), they might be a good source to help your H with his feelings, and prevent him from harming himself or anyone else.

No one can make the decision for you about whether to confess or not. Be careful. Pray for wisdom and guidance. Get some other people nearby for support.

Again, God bless,

Rose

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 11:43 AM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

I know I'm going to get blasted for this but H doesn't know about my A. I fear I cannot tell him right now because a) I'm not sure what he would do b) the OM's family could potentially be hurt worse by exposure.

I asked him to go to MC before I had the ema several times....he refused. I asked him to counsel with our pastor- he refused. This has been going on for at least 3-4 years before I had the EMA. I know that this is of my own choosing and actions and that he didn't ask for it- I'm not saying that he did.

Georgia Guy- what would you like to know?
The main thing that bothers me about my H is that he puts everything before me. First, there are his hobbies- those come before anything. Second is his job- Third is the kids. Don't get me wrong- I'm happy he's a involved father but I'd like to come first. I want to feel ADORED. I've told him this before. I want him to touch me and kiss me other than when he wants to have sex. Do you do that for your W? I've told him all these things. It's not like he doesn't care- it's more like he thinks I'm not serious.

I do want to work on my M but I'm not sure I'm strong enough right now.

I do want to work on my M but I'm not sure I'm strong enough right now.

that's a cop out...
till you start something nothing will change...
as SQUEEZE once said in one of their songs...

you've got to throw a stone to get the pool to ripple.....

working on a marriage...
really is nothing more than throwing a stone...
initially it is small stones and ripples that get his attention...

you can't change him..
and what you have been doing pre affair wasn't working...
and we all know that active affair doesn't do a thing to fix a marriage...
and you know that what you are doing know isn't working...

so you start in small actions...

you smile at your husband..
you make eye contact...
you take his hand
you tell him you are proud of his work...
you tell him you admire him as a father...
you draw him nearer to you slowly and softly...
you change the environment in the home sublty...so it peaks his interest...

how often do you touch him
how ofter do you take his hand..
how often do you dance with him in the kitchen...
how often do you make a meal HE likes
or a dessert...

be honest about how active you are in this marriage....
be honest about how much you have withdrawn from him
be honest about how much you have taught him that your needs don't matter....
be honest here...
about the real undertones of your marriage...and the role YOU play in them..
you HAVE to start somewhere....
and it has to start with you..

how much encouragement do you give him when he does well and meets your needs...
or do you just say..
it won't last
how much positive reinforcement do you give...

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cmesmile:
<strong> I know I'm going to get blasted for this but H doesn't know about my A. I fear I cannot tell him right now because a) I'm not sure what he would do b) the OM's family could potentially be hurt worse by exposure.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can OM's family possibly be hurt any worse?

You and OM are denying your H and OM's family information that would likely answer a lot of questions they already have. You are denying them the opportunity to improve everyone's lives that are already involved in this mess.

One thing your H might do is experience a HUGE wakeup call that so many other BSs experience when they discover their spouse's affairs. Don't you agree that it would be better for him to discover it from you rather than from another source or other information? You telling him and telling OM's spouse would be a giant step towards recovering his trust.

dern double.

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Ark is right. I am working on improving my relationship with my H doing some of those things-and things are SO much better with my husband (We still have obstacles to overcome and things to improve but we are well on our way). YOU have to change in order for your marriage to change. I won't say that some of this hasn't been hard for me- I've got the built up scar tissue on my tongue to prove it- but it has been so very very worth it.

You know, I think that many of us frequently are stuck in a catch-22. We complain that our spouse is not meeting our emotional needs- which makes us not want to meet their emotional needs- which (you guessed it) makes it less likely that they are going to be interested in meeting our emotional needs.

Your marriage can be what you want it to be. But for that to happen you need to actively engage in your marriage -physically and emotionally. Read up on plan A- yes, I know that the premise of it isn't applicable here. However, I think it is a good thing to think about as you wonder how you can build your marriage. Take the first step and reach out to your husband. Concentrate on HIM- keeping your mind busy will help you get through the withdrawal symptoms.

triple!

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

ARK-

Let's see- over the course of three-four years I've done the following:

1. Talked to him repeatedly about what I need from him that I'm not getting.

2. Increased our sexual activity because he used that as a answer to why he will not give me affection.

3. Asked for MC repeatedly.

4. I have planned dates- asked him to stay home- put my focus on him. Kissed him frequently- complimented him- let him engage in whatever hobbies he is obsessed with. I cook what he likes- I let him spend money the way he wants to and deny myself things so that he can have what he wants, and all sorts of other things.

What else do I need to do? Is it time for me to reevaluate whether or not I need to even stay married?

The reason I say it would hurt OM's family more is because his lifestyle is dependent on it. To say any more would be TMI. I feel like if I walk away now and no one is the wiser that is the best thing to do.

1. Talked to him repeatedly about what I need from him that I'm not getting.

quit talking
zip it
button it
throw away the key...

it's not working...
women go on and on and on and on...
I for one could make blathering on and on an olympic sport AND win the gold..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

he expects you to say those things..
he doesn't even hear them...
they are familiar territory....
quit doing it....

3. Asked for MC repeatedly

quit that one as well...men can feel very threatened by counseling...

zip it up....

Increased our sexual activity because he used that as a answer to why he will not give me affection.

is it more sexual activity you want...or more emotional connection....
increase the sexual tension...
increase the sexual atmosphere OUTSIDE the bedroom...
the eye contact
the 'dayum' I'm happy to see you...
the stuff you did when dating
the stuff you have been doing with your OM...
the greatest sex organ your brain...use it..to woo him
attract him outside of sexual contact realm and into the sexual being realm...
show him the rewards outside of the act of sex...in the emotional connection leading up to that...

is your home a happy place...
what is the atmosphere and general undertone like being home...
comeing home?

would you want to come home to you??

I have planned dates- asked him to stay home- put my focus on him. Kissed him frequently- complimented him- let him engage in whatever hobbies he is obsessed with. I cook what he likes- I let him spend money the way he wants to and deny myself things so that he can have what he wants, and all sorts of other things.

lets break this one down....

don't ask him to stay home..plan the date the extra welcome home at the end of his hobby...
what is his hobby by the way....

but make start it out that way..so that when he comes home...
you give him a back rub..
you have a bath ready for him...
you serve him a sweet dessert......
after his activity...
but the better you do this...the better you make being home...better than the hobby...the sooner he will rush home to be with...
and the sooner he will get it...
if I come home earlier than later...the rewards are better...he will think...

make the home where he WANTS to be...

I let him spend money the way he wants to and deny myself things so that he can have what he wants, and all sorts of other things.

you have to look at your role in this..
if you are doing this resentfully
if you are doing this and the extra money is actually damaging to the marital assetts...
then it's not a smart thing for you to do..
and the fact that you feel and harbor resentment is your responsibility not his...
you created this way of letting him do..
resenting him the whole time...
not fair to him....

re-evaluate this...
see what you can give lovingly...
see what is really damaging...and rethink this one...

Is it time for me to reevaluate whether or not I need to even stay married?
why you have yet to act like you want to be married??

go buy Dr. laura schlessinger THE PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS...
today...

I'm not telling you stay married or not..
I am telling you that if you think there could be or if there has been physical violence in the past...you walk away...

but I am telling you to look at your role
inspite of his current actions...
and make changes in you....
and see where it gets you....

you can fight me on them... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I can take it...
but it doesn't serve the marriage or the vow you took to cherish...inspite of right now how he cherishes you...

charity starts with you...
see where it gets you...
more often then not as FWW has stated the changes she has made and is making...is influencing her husbands behavior and he's changing...and he probably isn't even aware of her efforts....
but she is getting rewarded....
ARK

I think you should******edit*****get on with your life. You have done all the right things and he has proven that he doesn't derserve you. Go find someone who does.

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 08:04 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Ark-
I'm sorry but can I ask why you are being so hard on me?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cmesmile:
<strong> Ark-
I'm sorry but can I ask why you are being so hard on me? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ark is trying to help you, cmesmile. The advice you are being given can greatly improve your marriage.

At the end of the day only you can decide whether you want to stay married and whether you will make the effort to make your marriage a good (great) one.

I understand helpful advice but I feel like I've done all those things. How can focusing on my H help me feel more fufilled? I understand the premise of unselfishness but I have pursued this most of my M and it hasn't worked.

I'm not saying that the EMA worked either. It's just that I feel so hopeless.........

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cmesmile:
<strong>The reason I say it would hurt OM's family more is because his lifestyle is dependent on it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Huh?

His lifestyle is dependent on his family?

Must not be dependent on it too much. Otherwise, why would he have an affair?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Aaronic:
<strong>I think you should dump the selfish pig and get on with your life. You have done all the right things and he has proven that he doesn't derserve you. Go find someone who does.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Selfish pig, maybe. How do you know? From the description by cmesmile? - wondering if she's fogged up or "drugged"?

This goes along with her asking ark^^ why she's being so hard on her - we've heard this all before over and over and over and over. A wayward spouse in the throes of an affair rationalizing their butts off. Do I believe cmesmile's husband is a model husband? No. Do I believe cmesmile has tried to make things better? Yes. Do I believe she's rationalizing her actions and making things sound worse than they are? Yes. All typical affair logic.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cmesmile:
<strong> I understand helpful advice but I feel like I've done all those things. How can focusing on my H help me feel more fufilled? I understand the premise of unselfishness but I have pursued this most of my M and it hasn't worked.

I'm not saying that the EMA worked either. It's just that I feel so hopeless......... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(((cmesmile))))

Focusing on your H can help you feel more fulfilled because I think you really WILL see a difference in his response to you. I agree with Ark that talking does little- most men are not comfortable with discussions about relationships or feelings- and are PARTICULARLY not excited about the idea of MC. Try what Ark suggested- just for 2 weeks and see where things are.

I know that you are in a bad emotional place right now. But I also don't think you would be here if you didn't want to give your marriage a chance.