I meant to post "His families lifestyle" is dependent on whether or not I keep the secret.

I do want to work on my marriage but part of me wants to retreat back into the A because it made me not focus on my M??

I will try it for two weeks and see what happens. This morning I went over and kissed him several times on his face and told him that I loved him. Part of me thinks it's pathetic to have to beg for my H's attention though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cmesmile:
<strong> I do want to work on my marriage but part of me wants to retreat back into the A because it made me not focus on my M??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course that is EASIER cmesmile- but is that really what you want to do? I don't think so.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cmesmile:
<strong>
I will try it for two weeks and see what happens. This morning I went over and kissed him several times on his face and told him that I loved him. Part of me thinks it's pathetic to have to beg for my H's attention though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why is this begging for attention? You're giving him affection - not licking his feet (although I suppose if you were a dog that would be a way to show affection <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

cmesmile,

The emotional pain of withdrawal will make everything seem worse right now, including posts on a message board. Ark's posts sound like good, practical advice to me, but I know when I was at the 1 week NC mark, everyone's demands seemed harsh (H's, pastor's, etc.).

Right now it might seem like other people don't understand or care about your feelings, but what they're saying might make more sense when you are a little more (or a lot more) past withdrawal.

As far as retreating back into the A goes: you have stated more than once that you are concerned about OM's family, their lifestyle, his reputation, etc. If you really are concerned about those things, and you really feel like you care about him, don't contact him. Let him work on his M.

Don't do any more damage than has been done already. From experience, I can imagine that right now it's hard to see the damage you're causing your M, and it's hard to understand what the A has done to your H (whether he knows about it or not, it has changed your M for the worse) or even the damage you've already done to yourself.

So, if you are having trouble keeping NC, and feel like you can't do it for yourself and your family, then for now, at least do it for OM's family.

If you continue the A to spite your H for how he treats you, you are really only "cutting off your nose to spite your own face," or "tearing down your house with your own hands."

If I sound harsh, please realize that I have been in your shoes, and I'm writing from the perspective of someone who has already paid a great price for my mistake of having an A. I really do feel compassion for you.

God bless and hang in there,

Rose

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

Thank you Rose!
That's probably the most compassionate post I've had. I understand what you're saying. I am trying to stay away because of OM's family and the effects exposure would have. It's just hard, especially right now.

I have a dr's appt on Wednesday and I hope to get some med's. Perhaps that will help me through this.

Cme,

I'm curious about what prompted this aparently joint decision to end the EA. Were one or both of you convinced that you were about to be discovered?

Also, I think you have hit upon the key to this: you want to retreat into the A because it allows you to not think about your marriage.

That's fine. But...your life probably isn't going to get any better UNTIL you take a hard look at your marriage.

Maybe it's not worth saving. Maybe it is. Only YOU can decide that. But...you're not going to be able to do that until you put the A behind you.

In other words...whatever decision you make, you want to make sure it's the right one - and that it comes from your head as well as from your heart.

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: AndrewA ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cmesmile:
<strong>"His families lifestyle" is dependent on whether or not I keep the secret.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, no, no.

When his family gets affected by the affair, it will not be because your secret got out - it will be because of his decision to conduct an affair with you. The damage is already done. The secret only prolongs the conclusion.

Similarly, your secret from your husband is not protecting him - it's harming you and preventing him from making his own choices. Please start the end of this mess right away. The truth will set you free.

WAT

In the beginning we both knew we it could never come out or it would destroy lives. It would be different if those lives were only the two of us- who deserve it but the others that would be affected. There are alot of things you do not take into consideration when you start. It's easy to sit back and say, "You should have thought about that beforehand" Simple point though most people don't. Why is it so important for me to reveal and hurt other people if I'm not going to do it again and I'm starting to work on my M? Why is that I should hurt his W and children further by getting it all out in the open? If he doesn't choose to tell her then why should I?

Andrew- we made a mutual decision to end it. We are both moral people, or at least have lived our lives up to the EMA as moral people. We made a mistake plain and simple. The guilt and shame is awful. I think we both struggled with this issue, although we weren't expressing it to each other- for fear it would panic the other person.

In my case, yes, the OM knew I was married and he pursued me, but it takes two! I still have respect for him in ways and do not want it to be a ugly ending even if we can't have contact.

Georgia Guy- what would you like to know?
The main thing that bothers me about my H is that he puts everything before me. First, there are his hobbies- those come before anything. Second is his job- Third is the kids. Don't get me wrong- I'm happy he's a involved father but I'd like to come first. I want to feel ADORED. I've told him this before. I want him to touch me and kiss me other than when he wants to have sex. Do you do that for your W? I've told him all these things. It's not like he doesn't care- it's more like he thinks I'm not serious.

Could you and I carry on this conversation on a separate thread? I think there are a lot of issues that I would like to discuss with you. My wife says the same thing to me, she wants to feel like she is the most important thing (for lack of a better term) in my life. But...how do I do that? How do I SHOW her that she is #1 in my life? Yes, I love to hold and kiss her w/o sex. I have told her that waking each morning and holding her while looking into her face as she sleeps is pure joy for me.

While kids were at home, we ALWAYS made sure that our time together took precedence over time with the kids. Mom and Dad had time together (alone) as soon as I got home. It was kind of a joke with the kids when they were older that it was best to knock before entering the room when Mom and Dad were having along time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

We have a date night once a week. I tell her everything I am thinking, and love to get her opinion on news, events, relationships, etc. I REALLY respect what she has to say !!

However, somehow I still don't break through that shell to make her FEEL ADORED.

I've got a feeling that you can help. Why does she need hours on end with OM?

GG

Sure GG- we can have talk on a separate thread. Does MB not have a PM function?

I have no idea....

I updated my profile to show a generic e mail address. You can e mail me there if you'd like and I'll respond as I get time.

Sorry, I don't see an e-mail address.

Try this- cmesmile222@yahoo.com

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 03:47 PM: Message edited by: cmesmile ]</small>

I think it does not..and for good reason..most here are very vulnerable to an EA, and privacy with the opposite sex is..a really bad idea. Especially one who knows just what you need to hear..and can comfort you.

Even on the threads people sometimes adopt a..lets call it questionable attachment to each other..and other posters were able to warn them that their posts were becoming inappropriately intimate.

No point coming all this way and tripping over the cure so to speak <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Now, having said that. Yep, I'd say you are still deeply in fogville. Possibly selectman.

You are still viewing this A as...anything but grotesque.

Allow me to make a few points..

"We both knew it could never come out or it would destroy lives" but we decided to go ahead and do it anyway.

"It's easy to sit back and say you should have thought about that before hand" and you did think about it if your above quote is accurate..you thought about it, and decided to do it anyway.

"Why is it so important for me to reveal and hurt other people [ you have already hurt them..the revelation is not the cause of the pain, the affair is the cause of the pain, and that has already occurred ] if I'm not going to do it again [ So, by this logic..everyone gets one free crime without having to take responsibility? Good..I want to go first, guess what I'd like to get away with? ]

"Why should I help hurt his wife and children further by getting it all out in the open?" Maybe his wife would like to decide for herself whether remaining married to a man who willfully and intentionally betrayed her is in her best interests and the interests of her children. She is an adult and she has the right to make informed choices about her life. Right now she is being defrauded and held captive by your lies. Again..it is the affair that hurt her, not the admission of it.

"If he doesn't choose to tell, why should I?" Which is just another way of saying..if he isn't going to turn himself in..why should I take responsibility...so whatever happened to that morality thing you are about to address in the next paragraph? Are you exempt when it is inconvenient?

"We made a mistake plain and simple" Sorry, again, no..do you know the definition of the word mistake? You did not mistake what you were doing for the right thing..you knew from the very beginning that it was immoral and self serving..there was no mistake about it..you just didn't care for a time.

"The guilt and shame is awful" Yes, it is a
side effect of the betrayal that you willingly engaged it..surely you didn't think this would end well?

"I still have respect for him in ways [ excuse me? what respect has he been worthy of? I think what you might mean is that you still have attachment to him..you know very well that there was nothing respectfull about what the two of you have done together]and do not want it to be an ugly ending [ somehow you have missed the ugliness of the beginning and middle..the ending is the most attractive part..and even then, only because it is over. Fog..you see through very addiction dazed eyes. It would be good if someday..years from now..you reread your words..maybe read them to your children..try to sell them on the beauty of your affair..perhaps you could comfort a daughter or son who has been betrayed by their spouse by telling them how much fun it is and what an exciting time you had together in your own affair.]

You see..the thing about an affair is..there is no excuse. You could have left your H if he were so obtusely unwilling to meet your needs..and yet you didn't..and you also didn't tell him and give him the choice to kick you to the curb. Must be something there you feel is worth hanging on to..just not being faithfull to should someone likeminded..someone who would like to have some extra pleasure..excitement..met needs etc..without having to make a sacrifice or a real decision to accept the consequences of taking your life in a different direction come along.

My response will seem incredibly harsh to you..but I think it is yet too soon to advise you hold H's hand. For all intents and purposes..you are still in this affair with your mind and your heart. You will not see your H with unclouded eyes for some time yet, and when you do..perhaps he is in fact not the person you wish to spend your life with. Nonetheless..this affair is a done deal..and everyone involved has the right..do you hear me?..the right to make their own decisions. You and Om do not get power of veto. You have both made your choices. Now go and take your medicine..and for Pete's sake..let his poor wife in on the secret. What a terrible thing to be lied to about.

--Noodle

[ack typos..well, I got a few of them anyway]

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

I have to agree with Noodle.

One of the aspects that stings me the most about my wife's A is that the other spouse found out...and DIDN'T TELL ME! Instead, the A lasted almost two months after she discovered it. It would have gone on longer if I hadn't found out.

My wife said that she was close to telling me several times. I wish to God she would have. Then, at least, it would be easier to make the leap of faith that I want so badly to make. It would still have stung like hell..but I don't think I'd struggle so much as I am now - dealing with the deception.

Your husband is going to find out about this A eventually. There are very few secrets in a relationship that are not eventually uncovered.

You need to tell him before he discovers some other way.

I see what you all are saying and I appreciate your advice. I'm still scared of telling my H- he may get violent or leave me.

Yes, I knew it was wrong, yes I knew it was immoral but I did it anyway. I'm sorry for that but it doesn't mean I'm the most horrible person that's ever lived. It means I'm a sinner just like everyone else.

What if there was nothing wrong with Om's marriage- other than he was looking for a little excitement? What if my revelation ruined everything for her? That just doesn't seem fair to me.

cmesmile..

No, of course you are not the most horrible person who has ever lived. Not even close. You are welcome here and we are pleased to have you..just not going to support any evasion or rationalization.

So don't make me crawl through this screen and shake you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

OMs wife is not fine..her marriage is not fine and you are not ruining her marriage by disclosing..you affected her marriage by having an affair with her husband..telling her the truth is the second action you will have taken that has merrit ['cause, of course you will disclose to your H first]

Please tell me you do not subscribe to the *ignorance is bliss* school of thought? If you ignore cancer does it go away? Do you think that just because her H ended his affair with you that he will be forever chaste and faithfull? Please. Wake up and smell the coffee burning. By denying her the truth, not only are you denying her the opportunity to walk away..you are denying her the opportunity to repair what has been malfunctioning if it can be repaired.

As for your H..Do you really have grounds to fear physical harm? If so..leave him..the marriage is dead and there can be no moving forward. If it is only the apprehension that comes with guilt...lets be realsitic. Most [and lets see a show of hands] betrayed spouses do not attack their husbands and wives. They are too busy hyperventilating and dry heaving as their lives come to a crashing halt.

--Noodle

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

Ark-
I'm sorry but can I ask why you are being so hard on me?

Yep you can ask...and I will answer if you answer some of my questions as well....

my answer is that I am not trying to be hard on you at all...
and to be perfectly honest I didn't think I was being hard you....

just trying to cut thru the emotion and get down to and back to the basics.....

you are the one that had questions about fixing the marriage.....
if that is what you want...
then it starts with you...
I'm sorry that you don't like that answer...but it is the truth....

and one thing that gets me about your responses is that you do admit that there are times that your husband does what you want...
becomes more attentive ...
so it's not hopeless by a long shot...

If have start with valueing your husband...and sometimes you have to find value in the type of man you believe he can be....

and you really do start small....

I really am curious about your role in the undertone and environment of your marriage and home....

are you someone right now and during your affair that is someone you would want to come home to...

that is not a judgement
or an attack....

I told you in my first post...affairs are insidiously harmful to all parties involved...
you, the op, and the bs....

I'm not slamming or blaming you...
I am trying to get you to objectiviely look at your own role...

marriage does not exist outside of our actions...it is the exact product of two peoples creation.....

it sound like for a long time you gave him "permission" to do his hobbies...
and again what are his hobbies...cause people can certainly spend too much time on stuff on that and it is a legitimate concern.....

but it sounds like you gave him permission to do things...while secretly resenting your own permission...

is that fair...
it's good question to evaluate....
not a slam...

ARK
who answered your question...
and would love it if you answered hers.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 08:11 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Hi Ark-

I did give him permission in the beginning of our M- it didn't really bother me but now we have two small children and demanding jobs. Our house is falling down around our ears because it needs maint. And it's gotten worse since the early days.

I believe I am someone who a man would want to come home to. I don't nag- we don't argue that much. I am physically attractive- I keep myself up. I make it a point to look nice most everyday. I try to keep our home happy. I smile alot and love to laugh.

I made it a point to give my H some extra attention this morning- kisses and hugs at breakfast.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cmesmile:
<strong>
I made it a point to give my H some extra attention this morning- kisses and hugs at breakfast. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good for you cmesmile!