I have been married for 20 years...My wife had 2 affairs during this time and our sexlife has been few and far between. During this time I have tried to get her to open up and tell me the problem but it took 20 years and now I am devistated. She said she was not honest with me when we first me and that because of that she felt ashamed. It turns out that in addition to the two affairs...that prior to marrying me she had slept with over 25 people. I love her and want to overcome this but I can't get past the constant fear of how many more and what is next.
Any help would be be great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi, miamiblues, and welcome to Marriage Builders.

It's no wonder you feel devastated; your trust has been dealt some heavy blows.

Have you known about the affairs for a while and just recently learned about the premarital partners, or is all of this new knowledge to you? Either way, you're dealing with lies and betrayal, but the timeline does make a difference as to how you are perceiving things, and also how she's feeling.

How long have the two affairs been over?

When you say "you tried to get her to open up and tell you the problem but it took 20 years" -- are you saying that sex has been a problem for the entire 20 years of your marriage? And you have tried to get her to open up for the entire 20 years, but she only has done so recently? What did you do in the past to try to get her to open up, and how did she react? What changed recently - did you change your approach, did something happen in her life or your lives? Why do you think she opened up to you right now?

You say you love her and want to overcome this - then you should thank her for her honesty in telling you the truth. Tell her you know it must have been very difficult and frightening for her, and that you appreciate her efforts. Let her know it hurts you.

If you haven't read up on love busters, read about them now and avoid reacting to her confessions with any love busters. You have to be a safe place for her.

Regarding your inability to get past the constant fear, well, you should let go of that right now for a couple of reasons:
1. It is up to her to earn your trust; it's not up to you to "get over" the fear.
2. The fear will motivate you to do the hard work of improving the marriage so that you don't fall back into the old way of doing things. You will be motivated to build a better marriage - and it is HARD WORK. You'll need a lot of motivation.

Keep posting.

Thanks for the response.

Her reason for the way things have been is that she didn't feel that she good enough for me. (She is really the best thing that has ever happened in my life) She felt ashamed so she would just roll over and say goodnight. When we did have sex she always said "we should do this more" I would agree and then she would go back to being to tired or just not responding.

Although I tried to talk in the past...I even got angry sometimes it never went past "I'm sorry, don't worry, things will get better".

About three months ago she just started opening up but everytime she does...there are more things and people that I never knew about.

When I ask why, she says.."I just didn't say no" or "I don't know".

I suggested outside help and she says we can over come it ourselves. I am trying but as the list gets longer I get more and more confused, hurt and disappointed.

I know that it has been awhile since she last cheated...and it seems she wants to get things on the right track....I just can't seem to get all this off my mind and spend most of my day, if not all of my day thinking about it.

Thanks again,
miamiblues <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />