Just found out about WH's EA (acc to him) last wk--I asked him to move out two days later--things way too ugly for us to be together. Finally calmed down a bit, read everything here, Began Plan Aing my butt off. Feeling stronger and more control every day--knew that was prob temp. Patiently waiting for him to want to at least talk, to see if he would become willing to at least try MC.

Yesterday went with whole family to dau's soccer game, and then even all went out to dinner together. Trying to show him what he was missing out on. He even asked yesterday if we missed him, and of course I told him we did.

Just now he calls and tells me that he is going to China at the end of next week for at least a wk for business. While they are setting up a distribution ctr there, he had been tellling me that he would not have to go now, that someone else was going in his place. I know this is vital to his business, but I can't help but feel that it's just a timely way to escape our problems and not have to face the music. He also asked which TV he could take with him to our camper which he is currently living in. I have told him to take one in the past, but now it feels like he's made his plans to stay where he is until he leaves for China. Yesterday I thought I saw the beginnings of him wanting to come home. He seemed very puzzled by my independence and lack of apparent bitterness. So now here I am back to a big blubbering mess. Everything else is more important than our marriage.

He's coming over later to give DD something she asked him to buy. I am totally unsure what to do or say with him. We haven't discussed the EA since I asked him to leave, so I guess he feels like he's free and clear at this point. I still feel like if I have to bring it up that I'm worried that I'll break down again and be playing from weakness instead of strength. This is such a roller coaster.

I guess in my rambling I've probably answered my own question. I just have to figure out how to be calm enough to lay out my position and then let it go. Guess I foolishly had some dream that a wk or two away from home (in that stupid, cold camper) would at least make him willing to talk.

Hi,

Have you been in an MC or IC sessions? Have you read any of the books here from MB? Please read up on plan A and B. Familarize yourself with them so that as you make your plans you do so with a strong support group behind you. Your children, pets, relatives, neighbors, co-workers, things and even strangers can be a source of varied support. See if you can do some phone counseling w/Steve Harley @ MB.

As for the WS going on a business trip, well that's an old WS ploy. While the trip maybe legit, the WS and OPs try hard to use this time away as some sort of escape from reality.

What do you know about the OW? How long has the A been in effect and what is the background of the OW? Visiting another area (esp a foreign country) leaves many a WS vulnerable to more As. Sad but true.

Be careful. Keep your families interest at heart. Check out your options (financially, etc.).

You seem t/b doing good but this roller coaster takes it toll on the best of the best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

Hello Mistified...

Sounds like you are doing the right thing...Plan A. Show him what he's missing, what he's losing.

It is a roller coaster ride.

The best advice I can give you is to get ahold of your emotions. This was very hard for me to do. Expecially the fear that if I said ANYTHING WH would get mad and leave.

I finally got to the point where I very calmly told him one day (right after he said to me "That's it! I'm leaving!!!!) - yes, you need to leave. He couldn't believe that was coming from wimpy, non-confrontational ME!

Work on you. Keep yourself busy. Get a life (if you have kids, you already have ENOUGH of a life). But do something for yourself.

Keep calm. You will know best when to discuss things with your WH. Timing is everything.

And TIME is everything. Things will get better with a little time and patience.

OH! Also something very important for the A to be done with is exposure. I didn't want to do it at first, my WH was mad about it, but I finally came around to seeing that this really is the only way for the A to end.

Keep posting....someone will come in here with more advice.

K

Yeah! Orchid....

I was hoping that one of you guru's would chime in here!

K

Ok you got our responses in less than 30 minutes..... it has now been 2 days.

How are you doing?

L.

I would highly recommend that you ask your WH to move back in. That will be necessary, essential for PLAN A. While caught up in the fog of the A, he will convince himself along with gaming from the OW that you don't need him or love him. He will be looking for any info to support this in order to maintain his delusion. My FWH has informed me how the FOW tried to convince him that I didn't really care about him and would use any LBing that I did to support that claim. She stressed how she was the only one who has ever loved him, that she was his true love, etc., etc.

Your goal is to work on the problems, not to avoid them with distance from him. The distance will also give him free rein to go on his so-called business trip and to have all the free time he wants to contact her.

You don't want to make it easy for them. This is a war, battling for your marriage.

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi is absolutely right. Throwing him out makes him feel like a victim and is essentially throwing him into the arms of the OW. If he is at home, he has to work on the marriage.

Orchid,
I'm doing okay. That day actually turned out to be a huge turning point in our life as a family. I found out something from my oldest daughter that day that led to some startling revelations between my husband and myself. We revealed things to each other that had happened in our childhoods that we had never told anyone. We talked for hours about all of that, and everyting else that is going on. He agreed that he needed therapy badly and is taking steps now to accomplish that. I have my first appt with a therapist tomorrow, and my daughter will also be seeing someone. Right now these issues are things that must be dealt with before even addressing the marriage issues. My child's mental health has to come before anything at this point. (I realize that all of this is very vague, but I'm not ready to spill my guts on all of this on a MB quite yet). I am relieved that our secrets are out on the table, I feel confident that we can work thru our individual problems, and that we will come thru this with a better understanding of each other and how we got here. I have re-discovered the strong person I used to be, and know in my heart that all of this trauma will lead us all to where we need to be, regardless of whether my husband and I are able to work out our problems. My oldest daughter told me the other day-"My MOmmy's back." I didn't realize how depressed and withdrawn I had become since my last child was born 11 yrs ago, and now she is going to have to meet a whole new mommy, because I am back, and my mission is to make sure that my children survive all of this as whole and intact as it is within my power to make them.
Thanks so much for your timely advice, and for checking back on me. This board is a great tool.

I don't know the details of your issues. However, relationships that involve affairs are different than those only facing psychological issues.

IMHO, you may have to consider that your WH is putting you off by opening up to you like he is.

Your child will be better off emotionally if you give your marriage your top priority. That's how affairs start in the first place. We start giving priority to parenting, to the children, not the relationship. We think we are helping our children this way but in the long run they suffer if their parents are not happily married.