Well a lot sure has happened over the past couple of weeks. I could not find the thread "should I catch them" so I started a new one. I’ve had good days and of course some bad ones. So here is where I stand:

Plan A’ing every day and talking to W. She has completely opened up about her A with OW. I exposed A to a close friend of hers and they talked at length about it. I have discussed many basic concepts with W and feel we both have a better understanding about what happened to our M. W says she fell hard for OW and says she developed deep feelings for her. W feels that she fell out of love with me and OW has filled the void. Talked a lot about NC and W initially refused as she did with counseling. W wants to give us another chance but feels she has not given her relationship with OW a chance to see if that’s what she wants. It came down to W giving me two options: A sort of plan B with me leaving for a month to see if she will miss me and realize she loves me and where she stands with OW, or try it my way and have NC with OW for a trial 2 months to see if we can work things out. I of course went for NC and we discussed a time limit cannot be put on this effort and after some time, she agreed.

She is very concerned with what will happen if we don’t work it out. But she is willing to try. She has swore NC and will agree to let me check her email or cell phone anytime and will unlock her phone and anything else I want to do to verify NC. Our family is what’s most important to her and she says she truly wants to try to save M. She says she would always have doubts if she didn’t sincerely try, but she is concerned about the pain of letting go of OW and concerned for OW’s feelings as well, but is going to do it. She has also agreed to talk to a counselor through this site and I’m in the process of setting that up.

W says she loves me but is not in love with me. She lost that feeling over the past few years and
is concerned the changes I have made recently may not be permanent. I assure her they are but she is wary. I asked her if she knew 100% that they were permanent, would she be happy and want to stay married for life and she said of course she would, who wouldn’t? I think this is going in the right direction, but I’m concerned that she may still be thinking of OW in case we “fail”. She seems pre-occupied about what we will do if it doesn’t work out. I don’t like to talk about that and want to get into this completely positive about the outcome. She says she will give it a try but is not sure what will happen to allow her to fall in love with me again.

Sound good!

Bumping up for the fishy girl

Pep

sorry I missed this chere! I will come back and post at length to tonight. I have some thoughts.

hugs!

stumped,

Plan A’ing every day and talking to W. She has completely opened up about her A with OW.

Not everyone gets honesty at this stage...so I'm really encouraged for you.

I exposed A to a close friend of hers and they talked at length about it.

stumped...you are one of the rare few who actually follows through with confrontation and exposure as it needs to be done. It takes alot of courage because this is a scary time....please pat yourself on the back. I hope this friend helps your wife to remain strong.

I have discussed many basic concepts with W and feel we both have a better understanding about what happened to our M. W says she fell hard for OW and says she developed deep feelings for her. W feels that she fell out of love with me and OW has filled the void.

As you know this is pretty typical of affairs. Please don't get disheartened...once NC has been established for a while, the fog will begin to clear. Try not to let the things she says hurt too much.

Talked a lot about NC and W initially refused as she did with counseling. W wants to give us another chance but feels she has not given her relationship with OW a chance to see if that’s what she wants.

Well hopefully she realizes she can't do these things simultaneously.

It came down to W giving me two options: A sort of plan B with me leaving for a month to see if she will miss me and realize she loves me and where she stands with OW, or try it my way and have NC with OW for a trial 2 months to see if we can work things out. I of course went for NC and we discussed a time limit cannot be put on this effort and after some time, she agreed.

She sounds a bit wishy washy here....but this is better than most folks get. She's lucky to have a husband as supportive and understanding as she does....but keep your boundaries in place. If contact resumes...you'll have to expose further.

She is very concerned with what will happen if we don’t work it out. But she is willing to try. She has swore NC and will agree to let me check her email or cell phone anytime and will unlock her phone and anything else I want to do to verify NC.

This is one of the MOST encouraging thing I see. Her willingness to open her life to scrutiny and be accountable for her time is a HUGE step...feel good about this one.

Our family is what’s most important to her and she says she truly wants to try to save M. She says she would always have doubts if she didn’t sincerely try, but she is concerned about the pain of letting go of OW and concerned for OW’s feelings as well, but is going to do it.

I'm sure the OW has been very kind to her...that's why your Plan A is so important right now so that she can see that her needs can be met at home. How many children do you have?

She has also agreed to talk to a counselor through this site and I’m in the process of setting that up.

Fantastic! You're making a good choice.

W says she loves me but is not in love with me.

This is the wayward spouse creed...it hurts, but again...try not to take it to heart. Once she gets through withdrawal, her feelings for you have room to return.

She lost that feeling over the past few years and
is concerned the changes I have made recently may not be permanent.

That's why your consistency is so vital! Really control love busting. As far as losing feelings for YEARS...well that might be true, but it can also be the "rewriting of history" that happens during the fog.

I assure her they are but she is wary. I asked her if she knew 100% that they were permanent, would she be happy and want to stay married for life and she said of course she would, who wouldn’t? I think this is going in the right direction, but I’m concerned that she may still be thinking of OW in case we “fail”.

And she may be...but I'm very confident in the help you can get from the counselors on this site...and I'm seeing encouraging things in this post. Stay on top of those lovebusters...and give this some time.

She seems pre-occupied about what we will do if it doesn’t work out. I don’t like to talk about that and want to get into this completely positive about the outcome. She says she will give it a try but is not sure what will happen to allow her to fall in love with me again.

When a spouse is infatuated with someone else...they REALLY CAN'T imagine...so as hard as it is to listen to this stuff...the things she's saying are very normal for the stage she is in.

stumped...you are pretty special...I personally think you wife would be a fool to let you go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"stumped...you are pretty special...I personally think you wife would be a fool to let you go."

Ditto

Pep

Well, I tried to make an appointment with Harley, but apparently next week is vacation time. How can they take a vacation at this time?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I know W still has brief contact with OW. It is nowhere near how it used to be, but some still happens. There is a tournament next weekend that they both will be attending, but W says that will be the last contact. She has told OW she wants to give M a chance and will have NC. I cannot talk to Mr. Harley until after that contact, so I must bear this next week I guess. When I talk to her about NC she still gets upset and insists: "I said I would try didn't I, back off a little".

I try to do a good plan A, but sometimes I still want to talk about "us and the future" and it always comes back to me feeling down around her. She says that bothers her. I tell her I think that happens because of contact. And that of course brings out all the bad feeling from both of us. Should I try to avoid that kind of talk this next week? She says she is committed to give M a chance, but I think she is having a hard time actually stopping contact. There has to be some contact, due to W running the tournament and OW playing in it. It is my W's work, so she really can't avoid it. I just wonder how much is work and how much is personal. My W feels like I watch her every move and it makes her uneasy. Can't wait until next Monday!

OK. Unfortunately had a setback today. W went to gym alone today (not unusual). She was to come home around 12 to take kids so I could go running. I decided to go meet her at club to see if family could do something. When I got there, she was with OW. Of course they were with other people, but I think contact is contact, even if nothing was happening. W said she didn’t tell me cause I would take it the wrong way and insisted nothing was going on. They were preparing for the tournament next weekend. Now W gets very angry saying I’m always watching everything she does and says I’m now “stalking” her. It was not like that, but I can’t seem to explain my feelings to her now because she is so upset and doesn’t believe anything I say. I’m at a loss. I love her more than she will ever know but I hate what has happened to us. This can definitely wear a person out. I’m getting tired...I feel I set us back more and appt. with Dr. Harley still a week away. Trying to hold on....

stumped,

Yeah, I'm really sorry. I had a feeling from her past actions that she was still going to continue contact. I hate to tell you this, but you realize that you are going to get a little tougher....and expose this affair further. Talk to her parents, and her siblings if she is close to them. Do it lovingly and ask them to help if they can.

But know this....her anger is at being discovered, at not being able to hide her secret and continue the affair. She is blaming your for "stalking" because she can't control herself and do the right thing right now...but you cannot let her turn the tables on you. Let her know, that even though you accept that her anger is directed at you...that in your heart, you know she is really angry at herself and ashamed at being discovered.

There's NOTHING wrong with you stumped. You have been kind and understanding in the face of extreme pain. She is deep in the fog and fogged spouses say the cruelest things imaginable. I have been impressed with your courage and understanding from the beginning....and I wish that you didn't need to make this next step...but affairs become entrenched when they are kept secret...they gain power and strength. The light of day and accountability from people that she trusts....can help her wake up and do the right thing.

She'll be angry....but no marriage can be rebuilt in the midst of an affair. The first order of business must be to end contact or the marriage never has a chance. So even though exposing is risky....NOT exposing is even riskier for the marriage.

I'm so sad to hear this....my thoughts and prayers are with you.

(((((((((((((((stumped)))))))))))

Thank you Star for the quick reply. I have yet to talk to her again today after I found out. She is still mad and hanging out with some friends. I will plan my next actions after we talk again. I will do what ever necessary, for I surely cannot continue living this type of life. I certainly don't want to lose her, so I will try to be pro-active. I just feel that I’m pushing her away from me and into the arms of the OW. Anyway, thanks again...

Star*fish,

I am somewhat encouraged by the past few days. I must say that you have by far been the most help during this difficult situation. I have a favor I would like to ask you, and if you cannot do it, I understand. I would like to ask your opinion on something, but I really prefer not to post it on the board at this time. I cannot Private message you through this site. Is there anyway I could send it to you? If you prefer, you can send me a way at dashdog1@aol.com

Thank you,
Stumped

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 01:57 PM: Message edited by: stumpedsoul ]</small>