Thanks for responding Believer, I know your story and admire your courage and strength. I dont post much any more but read her and follow other people daily.
Basically, this has been going on for 2 years and I am physically and emotionally spent. Back in June after WH disappeared once again for a weekend I told him not to bother even coming home. So he has been staying with a friend about 40 mins. away from us. BUT we have a business together that is ran from our home and he comes here in the morning and afternoon. And he is here every other weekend when he has his kids for visitation. Yes I know boundaries. Well over the course of these past 4 months he has expressed many different feelings to me:
How lonely he feels
How much he misses me and the kids
When we are apart a big piece of him
him is missing
Dosent blame me for this
I have been the only person in his
life who has ever supported him
stood by him and believed in him
He is losing his lover, best friend and
partner.
You get the picture. But he is unable to committ to the marriage and end contact with two OW.
Over the past month or so he has told me he has realized that he is screwed up in the head. He now knows you "just cant be friends without them expecting more." He has expressed that he expected our marriage to be a fairy tale because of the way our relationship was and when it wasnt he got scared. Also that he never really treated me like his wife because he didnt know how. He is the product of young parents who fought all the time and still do and he was thrown out of his home by the age of 16. There is also a history of some mental illness in his family.
Also, over the past 4 months I have been just as guilty of waffling as he has. But since in my heart I felt I could not go to Plan B for many reasons:i.e. the business, our financial situation has been dire for 2yrs, and somewhat because of our blended family. But what I have done over the past month is make it clear to him in the most lovingly way I could that I have boundaries and its about time you respect them. I have done 180 to detach myself because I was very close to feeling my Love Bank empty and that scared me. So the other night he shows up at pur home at 1000pm to talk. He wants to know whats going on. Says we are in limbo. We must make a decision on which way we are going, if we are seperated then we must start to seperate our lives accordingly or if we are going to try to make this work then we must do that. He did most of the talking and for a change I sat and listened very composed and almost unemotional. He went on to say that since I have pulled away from him and this relationship all that has done is f^%$k'd up his head. He also stated that for the first time since this all started he understands me and why I am the way I am right now and respects me for that, he said afterall I am his wife and there is no comparsion to any one else. He also said this has nothing to do with anyone else they are hollow relationships but is in so deep he doesnt know how to fix it. He tells me he has been waiting for me to tell him how and he has needed me so much these past two years. He contends if he NC tomorrow whats going to change. The problems are between me and him. He also says he guesses we needs some type of reassurance if he committs to M that this is going to work out. Basically he is asking me how do we begin to rebuild this.
Some of my responses were as follows: Basically they werent anything he doesnt know already. I said honestly WH is there any assurenesses in life at all except death. You know how I feel about these 2OW in our lives. I will be there to help you through anything but I must have honesty and committment from you and I must be the only one in your life. I have mentioned the people and this site to him many times, but he doesnt respond. I also told him I have begun to explore my options regarding of "seperation and am preparing to live my life without him". He said I know. (Think I almost saw a tear in his eye.) Anyway, I am proud of how I handled this. I keep my voice low and my emotions in tact. I restated my terms and boundaries. At the end of the conversation, he once again stated he understood my position and respected that and that he guessed in a sense it was up to him to make a decision and to stop looking to me for all the answers.
Sorry this is so long. But alot has been said some stuff I even left out. But this is the jist of it. I guess I need to know how should I act now. It seems he maybe leaning to the M and if this is true should I Plan A some with my "Tough Love?"
Any responses are greatly appreciated.
