Tonight I drove H to the airport for a business trip. It's crazy this whole trust issue! I see him and tell him how I'm feeling he says I have nothing to worry about, he loves me and he'll never ever do that again. He'll call me every night, but he's always done that! I know he'll be working his butt off this week but I still felt weird about the whole thing.

On the way to the ap H stated "why do I have to be in pain all the time?" Why must I suffer more? He's talking about his physical ailments maybe due to an STD. he was nearly in tears saying he feels worthless, that he let us down and all the sappy sh$T. I felt so bad, I told him that he wasn't worthless that together we'll recover, we'll deal with whatever he has and live with it.

I really don't think it's an STD, I just wish we didn't have to add the dirty deed into the equation so we can figure out what the heck is wrong. He went to the dr for another blood test last week and we'll find out when he comes home on Thursday.

I've already said that yeah it's hard but I can forgive. My boundaries are set and no one will cross them. I hope I'm not adding to his depressed state. I don't really think so it was his choice, his actions, his (our) consequences!
I can't help the trust issue thing yet...he even understood that this afternoon.

I think he needs some ADs again. I just wish he was home.

Any advice? I can't beleive he'd try and manipulate me like this. I think he is in pain, but I just don't know why.

After a really rough nights sleep, I started to think why is H feeling so depressed? Ok, maybe it's because he has some symptons or maybe it's physco symatic. (a term a dr used 4 months ago) Maybe all these years he's been lying to me and pretending that we have a true love and he's been unfaithful before...many ONS.

Do I need more sleep or can this be true? Could the guilt of how this one affected me be getting to him? Is he afraid to tell me? I read FL's thread about coming clean to her H. could this be what my H is going through.

B4 he left yesterday we agreed that he should go back to his IC (maybe for more ADs) now he wants me to come. I'm scared SH$T, I don't know if I can handle it. What if there is an admission of years of ONS?

I read in SAA that a ONS could be just that or it could be hundreds <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I've asked and asked. His reply is always never before.....first time....so sorry.
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