Hey All,

Haven't posted here for about 3 months because my H and I have been doing so well in our recovery. I was blessed to have a H who forgave me and was willing to move forward with our life together.

I have been in therapy for 4 months and have made great progress overcoming my issues with depression and rediscovering happiness with my H and kids. However, I still can't get OM out of my head. I love my husband dearly and I definately do not want to rekindle the A but I just can't stop thinking of him. I find myself hoping I will run into him just so I can ask him how he is doing. I know this is selfish of me but as I have learned emotions (no matter how irrational they may be) are impossible to control sometimes.

The irony is that our M is better than its been in years. We are more connected than ever and our sex life is great so what could I possibly want from OM? Is it just the curiosity of the unknown or is it deeper? I feel like its making me crazy. I just want him out of my head. I don't know what to do. I feel as though my depression is resurfacing because of this and I don't want to go to that dark place again. I don't ever want to be in the darkness again.

Does anyone have any experience with this?

Boss

I feel the same as you.
I was not sure how to
say it. I do not live
near OM- states away.
I know-you know, this
opens us up for criticism
from everyone on board.
I just posted new topic,
and no one has responded.
One more blow to my esteem.
Most times I just dont
know where to go to talk.
Nobody wants to listen to
me anymore. I saw H for
about an hour tonite- & I
think I just need to talk.
I cant understand why OM is
in my head at times-mostly
I remember good memories-
but there were certainly
many not good ones. I try
to focus on how I felt
during those times. pal

PAL,

You are lucky that you are so far away from OM. In my situation he and his family live one block over from me and our 6 year old daughters go to school in the same class and are best friends. Needless to say, we are bound to run into one another at school, grocery store, etc.

We have not spoken since d-day and I am proud of that but I feel so stupid for feeling the way I do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> My H is so wonderful to me and always has been. I have hurt him so deeply and I still have not managed to overcome that guilt. I probably never will. So given that, how can I still feel something for OM? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Boss

I am a BS, so I don't know a good answer to your specific question, but I do feel for you. I know you're trying and if we go with the addiction metaphor, I can empathize. For example, I still want to smoke, think about smoking, sometimes if I'm out of town, I'll actually buy a pack and smoke a couple, despite me knowing it's bad, bad, bad and in many ways not at all enjoyable. Then I feel guilty. But thinking about it is like a compulsion. And I've thought, just like you, "I just want this out of my head!" Perhaps your OMs are like cigarettes. Bad for you, you don't want to go back, but still the thought of them rattle around in your head sometimes. The longer you go NC, the less you'll think about the OM. It can take a long time. Forge ahead on your path, and accept these thoughts for what they are -- just those fleeting thoughts that are a natural part of the dis-engaging process -- NOTHING MORE. Try not to be so hard on yourself and be good to your H.

Take care,
Shellybird

Bosstenor,

It's the "white bear" condition. If someone tells you to think about anything -- anything at all -- except for a white bear, your mind will think about a white bear.

When I was going to IC before DDay, I was diagnosed with a mild case of obsessive-compulsive disorder -- I kept thinking that my W was having an A. Well it turned out that I was obsessive because my subconcious was trying to tell me that she was. Anyway, I learned a lot about obsessions.

You may want to try IC. There are some good therapists out there. I went to someone who specializes in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It's a pretty effective method of therapy.

The fact that you are trying so hard not to think about OM is actually causing you to think about OM. It's a vicious circle that can be broken with CBT, antidepressants, and a few other forms of therapy.

I congratulate you on your recovery. I know this is making it difficult for you, but just realize that it's only a matter of outsmarting your brain, breaking habbits and behaviors.

I wish you well.

addiction-withdrawal
all part of it-I know.
Yes-I am grateful to
not live close. he is
from my town originally-
but because of me-I am
sure he will never be back.
I wish I had amnesia re:
my EA/PA-I just want the
thoughts to leave me
ALONE! thanks for
listening-pal

Bosstenor and peaceandlove,

(I’ve decided to address both of you in this post).

I know exactly what both of you are going through. I’m a FWW (look at my signature line). I can completely empathize with your feelings. What both of you are going through is perfectly normal and it will take time and patience for those residual feelings to completely fade... I know right now complete recovery almost seems impossible and you are wondering if you will ever get the OP completely out of your heads, but I want to assure you that with time and patience it WILL get better. Both of you are still in withdrawal and that’s why you’re still thinking of the OP. That’s normal. Withdrawal is a hard and long process and won’t happen overnight. I was emotionally very ‘addicted’ and attached to the OM and in spite of the feelings of guilt, shame etc., it took 18 months in total before I was completely through with withdrawal and completely recovered from most of the residual feelings. In my situation withdrawal took so long because I also suffered from a psychiatric disorder (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with associated anxiety and depression) and after I’ve started to received IC and medicine, my recovery process was much faster. I used to call this my "real recovery".

The fact that an FWS can still have residual feelings for the OP while in recovery and working on the marriage doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong with the M or that you don’t love your spouse with all your heart... NO! Residual feelings is just normal and part of the recovery process. Both of you have learned to care for the OP’s very much… You are both human beings with feelings and emotions, and just as you have developed these feelings for the OP over time, it will take time again for those feelings to fade compeltely. Yes, those feelings for the OP were very wrong, extremely inappropriate and a result of your own wrong behavior and choices, but the fact is, those feelings and the pain to “get over” the OP are VERY REAL and takes time…

Be easy on yourselves… Really, when you think about all those things....they are wonderful in their own way. I know both of you don't think well of yourselfs, but consider looking at each of these issues with a new pair of eyes. You feel guilty that you had the A...but you ended it, stayed with your husbands, have maintained no contact and are working on your marriages....despite lingering feelings. That shows strength and commitment. You made mistakes, but you are doing the right things to rectify it....feel good about yourselfs for that. We all have failings....it's how we deal with them that separates us. The fact that you are so repentant in spite of the feelings you still have....shows the kind of remorse that it takes to heal this rift. Both of you are doing just fine. I understand you miss this OM and think about him....but time and distance will deaden this pain, and as your marriage heals and becomes stronger, it will get easier.

Please read the following insightful post I received from Ark while I was in early recovery and while I struggled to get rid of those feelings:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU SAID
The one major thing I’m still feel guilty about is my lingering thoughts and feelings for OM and the difficulty to put these feelings complete to rest. This is really a big struggle and religious problem to me. Although I’ve already forgave myself for the previous mistakes made and although I know that my H and God had also forgiven me, I’m still having a issue with the scripture in the Bible where Jesus talks about ‘adultery in the heart’. Therefore, in spite of the fact that I’m still continue NC and do all the right things to protect my H etc., I’m just wondering if I’m still commit sin/adultery in the heart because of my lingering thought and feelings about OM. Maybe I’m just too hard on myself sometimes.

Sometimes for very obvious reasons and sometimes just because it is the nature of the whole big mess. Thoughts, feelings, and occurances take on huge meaning, grave seriousness, and potentially worrisome issues...when in reality they are just normal occurances..but when processed through the infidelity filter...watch out...magnified to the 100th power.

Suzet the truth is that if your OM had not been an other man but someone you as a single person were dating and for whatever reason you two broke up and you were now dating your husband...you would still have thoughts and memories and think of him...that is totally normal..it carries no great meaning or profound revelations.

The act of our brains having a memory and thoughts coming in our head in not stoppable,

What we do and can control is our reaction to these thoughts...give these thoughts weight and meaning and they will continue...spend time really pondering them, reminicsing and they will become stronger and gain "meaning".

It is you that must break the cycle in your brain by doing different things..

1. as soon as a thought, image, pops in about him you push it away and change your thought,,,and we all KNOW we can do this...no one spends a lot of time with the thought of their upcoming dental appointment to get a cavity filled...or when your on vacation you don't spend a lot of time about packing and leaving day...no we have those thoughts and quickly move on to something more pleasant...you must learn to the same....

2. Time fades and heals the importance we place on events is also true...the farther we move from experiences the more distance we place on them instead of deeply pondering and examing them the more we learn to let go of those thoughts.

3. YOu need to quit associating a lot of guilt and negative emotions to these thoughts or you will be feeding the power they need to continue...

Look at to why you are clinging to the guilt of thoughts rather than saying...dang I can't control my brain from thinking the thought initially but I can control the amount of time and energy I spend exploring the thought AND how much importance i give it...

You may actually be gaining something from the guilt you feel...that it somehow PROVES your regret....but we "prove" our regret by totally recommiting to our spouses and acting thusly.

In pop-psyche these days people love to throw around repressing those feelings and ingnoring them and that leading to unhappiness...but in reality those thoughts are normal as is moving away from them...people don't graduate from high school and the morning after graduation never ever think of highschool anymore...it was big part of their lives for a while with emotional attachment...but as people move forward those memories carry less and less weight and bring less and less emotion as time moves on...and not spending minute after minute pondering highschool is not repressing thoughts and emotions..it is moving on...
suzet you need to "just let it be" (as john paul ringo and george would say)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bosstenor, if you feels the depression becomes too severe talk to your doctor about the possibility of medicine and go for IC if necessary. Depression is serious stuff and can make recovery and withdrawal very difficult (or almost impossible) if you don’t keep it under control.

Hope this post could help.

Blessings and prayers to both of you, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 05:12 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

To all those who replied,

Thank you so much for your words. Sometimes I just need someone to say them to remind me that it is a long road and not get frustrated with the seemingly slow process of it all. In actuality, I need to focus more on how grateful I am to have such an understanding and loving husband. I know this situation could have been so much worse.

I am in IC and I am on meds for my depression which is helping a great deal but as most of you know, depression can come in waves and we all have our down times. The important thing to remember is that this too shall pass. I have to constantly remind myself of that.

PAL- we are in very similar situations and I feel for you but I know in my heart we will both get through it as stronger people than before. Remember that, that which does not destroy us makes us stronger.

Suzet- Your words gave me the perspective I needed and I am greatful. I know I am still in the early stages and I look forward to being in the place you are eventually. My impatience unfortunately makes me want it much sooner than I know is possible.

Good luck to all of you,

Boss

good feeling among friends.
I am stronger when I read
from you all. suzet- you
are a wise woman-I appreciate
what you pointed out to boss
& I. 1 day 1 day 1 day 1 day;
& so on....
I think it is music that messes
me up the most. My mind thinks
the song is about me, or my
situation. That is my driving
time-home is OK-I am too
busy-good busy. I am back
at school. I want to write
someday-that is my goal.
at least I have 1 for me
now. I never thought about it
before. now I focus on me.
I love my Lord-
I love my H-
I love my sons-
& best of all I
love me. I will never give
myself up to anyone else.
I regret being vulnerable-
I was weak-
now I am strong-
but those days-
come-
come
go-
come again-
& I come here
& get better-
prayers-peace-love-pal

BT, and PAL,

There is one other thing you need to understand and that the affair IS an addiction and it does affect your brain chemistry. It is a feedback system where some behavior causes good feelings (chemicals) to be released and gradually you become dependent on those feelings. So thinking of the OM is sort of self-medicating when you feel a little down.

It can take weeks to months for this to pass. Then Suzet offered a really good perspective on the time it can take. But, there is something you should both realize. The reason Harley pushes No Contact so hard is because some of the residual feelings and response linger for a long time.

You will NEVER forget your OM, what will happen is that the "feelings" attached to remembering him will fade. I would bet that for both of you the memory of OM is NOT accompanied with as strong a feelings as they were say 2-3 months ago. So you are recovering it just takes time.

It has been suggested and even done that when you start to really think of OM, that you call or talk with your H. It starts to replace one set of feelings and memories for another, sort of like quitting smoking. People often use candy to replace the desire for a cigerette.

It seems to me you two are doing alright. Just let the feelings fade and gradually you will realize you CANNOT self-medicate with memories of the OM. It will happen.

Good luck to both of you and ...
God Bless,

JL

Bosstenor and peaceandlove,

I’m glad my post could be of some help to you! JustLearning’s post is excellent and right on spot – a very good explanation of the addictive nature of feelings, thoughts, memories etc. and how those “feelings” attached to remembering the OM will fade with time.