Good morning all from a very sunny South Africa. But I am sitting here with a very cloudy heart. I posted something yesterday regarding my husband becoming a monster when he consumes too much alcohol. There is a very tense and hostile atmosphere in my house at the moment. We do not speak to each other, we act as if we are living in the same house against our wishes. I think that he was wrong to make an [censored] of himself and me in public while with my friends, and he thinks I am just being naturally *****y. I do not know how to approach him to resolve this matter in a way that we will both be happy. I am scared that it will blow up in my face, with us having the "mother" of all fights again. I sat and thought last night of how I can assume responsibility for what happened, maybe I am just stubborn, but I can not see that I did anything wrong.
I need to find a way to resolve this matter, as it is his birthday on Sunday, and I would like to make it special for him.

Hi Antionette, I don't have much advice for you but I thought I must write back because I am also from sunny South Africa. My husband doesn't have a drinking problem but my father did. He was an alcoholic and the only way my mother dealt with it was to join Al Anon. She found tremendous help and guidance with Al Anon and they made her realise that it wasn't her fault that he drank. Once she started going to the meetings she learnt to cope with her feeling of helplessness and also learnt to stop shielding him and making excuses for him.

Perhaps you could make enquiries in your area for an Al Anon group and go to a few meetings and see if it helps you cope. Drinking is his problem, not yours. . .you need to distance yourself from his drinking and abuse and learn that you cannot control what he does and going to Al Anon will give you these skills.

Thank you Enid. I will try that. But I do still feel that it is not just the drinking. Maybe the drinking is triggered by something else.

Anyway, nice to know that someone from my own country is also trying to have the best possible marriage.

A.

Hi Antoinette, what a surprise, I’m also from South Africa! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> What province are you from? I’m living in the Gauteng area.

Yesterday I read your other post and I’ve asked some posters with specific knowledge about alcohol problems to respond to you, but I see you only received one reply.

I agree with enid, your H’s drinking is the problem not you… He need to get help. His abusive behaviour towards you is not acceptable. My dad also have a drinking problem and although he is a very nice person when he don’t use any alcohol, he gets emotionally and verbally abusive towards my mom when he drink too much. Yes, it’s very possible that your H’s drinking is triggered by something else and that’s why it’s important for him to get help and receive IC as well.

Since you have decided to post on this infidelity forum, I was wondering if you currently also struggle with an infidelity problem in your marriage?

Greetings,
Suzet

Hi Suzet

Thank you for replying, I am also from Gauteng.
I am new at this, so I did not know where to post my message, and I am still trying to find my feet around the site.
I was told by my husband once that a girl he knew 22 years ago, has contacted him, and is phoning him, telling him that "when my husband goes to sleep I look at the photographs of us in matric". I was really upset about this, but he reassured me that there was nothing to be upset about.
But I kept on feeling that his ego must be tremendously boosted - I know I would feel good if someone from 22 years ago shows any interest in me now.
But let me just me just tell you, he was seperated from him wife when we met, divorces her shortly after that, had an affair with his ex-wife while we were together (they have a son), left me and went back to her and married her again, had an affair with me while they were married, she left him and divorced him, and he came back to me... Is this a pattern or am I just plain silly to have taken him back?

Hi Antoinette,

I grew up in an Alcoholic home, my dad died of alcoholism but I never once saw him raise his voice or say an unkind word to anyone. And he was an acute, chronic true alcoholic.

Although your husband may have a drinking problem, it sounds more like other issues like you said.

It also sounds like you do not have boundaries in place in your marriage. Your husband treats you badly because he can get away with it.

Learn about boundaries and self respect. This was one of the most difficult concepts and behavioral changes I have ever learned, but it has changed my life.

Pepperband is a good one to help you with this. I read everything she writes on the subject because she makes sense, and her words have really helped me. I also have started reading different books on the subject.

Call her out if you need to.

Antoinette,

I’m glad I’ve asked you about the infidelity. From your post I can see there are is huge problems in your marriage with infidelity. In fact, your H’s infidelity is just as serious as his drinking problem. You are at the right place Antoinette and you will get much help, advice and support from the people on this forum.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I was told by my husband once that a girl he knew 22 years ago, has contacted him, and is phoning him, telling him that "when my husband goes to sleep I look at the photographs of us in matric". I was really upset about this, but he reassured me that there was nothing to be upset about.

But I kept on feeling that his ego must be tremendously boosted - I know I would feel good if someone from 22 years ago shows any interest in me now. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Antoinette, of course you have something to feel upset about, especially if your H is still in contact with this woman. This girl is attracted to your husband and betrays her husband emotionally…she betrays him in her heart and mind…it’s called “adultery of the heart”. She is a danger to your marriage and ALL contact between him and this girl needs to stop. Their involvement is called an Emotional Affair (EA) and of course your H’s esteem get boosted by her attention! She is filling some of his Emotional Needs of communication, admiration etc. This is serious stuff and needs to stop.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> But let me just me just tell you, he was seperated from him wife when we met, divorces her shortly after that, had an affair with his ex-wife while we were together (they have a son), left me and went back to her and married her again, had an affair with me while they were married, she left him and divorced him, and he came back to me... Is this a pattern or am I just plain silly to have taken him back?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
From your H’s behavior it seems there is definitely a pattern of infidelity. You also did wrong in the past by getting involved with a man who wasn’t legally divorced at the time and secondly by having an affair with him while he was married to his ex-wife. ”If he can do it with you he can do it to you”. I’m sure you know your own behavior was wrong too and you can’t do something about it now, but you can learn from your previous mistakes and not let it happen again… But I’m afraid your H might repeat his behavior again (if not his ex-wife with someone else) if he doesn’t get help for his problems soon and if both of you don’t get into marraige counseling and get help.

Read as much as you can on this website - all the Marriage Builders principles of Dr Harley, the Answer & Questions columns etc.

Keep posting,
Suzet

NS: Are you also Afrikaans speaking? (Afrikaans is my first language). Sorry I'm asking so much, but I'm on this board for a long time now and it's the first time a came across 2 posters from the same country. It feels nice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 06:05 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

The more I write here, the more I realise that there is a lot of unresolved issues between us. Yes, I had part in his infidelity when he was married, there's no denying that.
There are times when I am angry at him, that all these scenes play in my head when he left me to go back to her, and I become mentally unstable, I swear. I become morose, quiet, unhappy, teary-eyed etc. He normally then ask me what's wrong, but I cannot tell him that I have not made peace with the past yet.
And then the fact that we cannot have kids. The night he told me that he does not want any other kids, he is not going to correct his vasectomy etc. I actually tried to commit suicide. Not that that got me anywhere. I vowed after that night that I will never talk to him about having kids, but it still is an issue with me. His ex has something with him that I would never be able to have with him, a bond that I would never experience.
Anyway, talking and thinking about all this is making me depressed.
Hope to talk to you soon.

Antionette

PS. Yes I am also Afrikaans speaking.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Yes, I had part in his infidelity when he was married, there's no denying that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Antoinette, I didn't mention this to make you feel bad, but as a FWW (Former Wayward Wife), I know that infidelity cause feelings of guilt, shame, low self esteem etc. and if you don't work through this feelings, you will have more unresolved issues. It can be a good thing to go to a professional outside person (pastor, counselor etc.) and work through all you unresolved and repressed feelings.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>There are times when I am angry at him, that all these scenes play in my head when he left me to go back to her, and I become mentally unstable, I swear. I become morose, quiet, unhappy, teary-eyed etc. He normally then ask me what's wrong, but I cannot tell him that I have not made peace with the past yet.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand you're afraid to talk to your H about your feelings because he is abusive towards you. That's why it's important for him to get help for his personal problems first before you can start to work through all these issues and resolve it with your H. Both of you need to work it through.

Antoinette, I somewhat understand how you feel regarding the kids issue. Me and my H can't have kids but because of medical circumstances and reasons out of our control. Both of us wants to have a child of our own, but we need specialized and very expensive medical help. Your H doesn't take your feelings into account and you need to address this issue again on some stage. It’s a pity that you didn't communicate with him about this before you've got married (at least you would know how he feels about this), but he still have the responsibility to listen to you and take your feelings into account.

Suzet

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 06:49 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Hi Suzet
We did speak about having kids before we were married. He agreed that we would get his operation reversed and have kids later on. He even went as far as going to the doctor, taking me with him, to check that all was okay to have kids later.
Once we were married, he changed his tune. Then he said that he was not having another child that can be used to get to him (meaning that's what his ex does).
I have been in therapy myself a couple of years ago, but it was fruitless because my husband did not want to get involved, and did not want to go for therapy.
Antionette

one of the problems with this is that you are talking apples and oranges...

you want resolution....understandable...
BUT
you want it without conflicts...
AND
you want both parties to be happy about it...

that may not be very realistic...
and it has you and he in the same old patterns...

power struggling...
calling eachother names...
and beating the proverbial dead horse..

what you need to do is
not say a word.....
BUT
the next time you go out and he starts drinking AND starts putting you down or whatever the conflict...

you turn to your guests and say softly and sincerely...

my dear dear friends..I have adored our time together...but I must leave for the evening...
I look forward to seeing you all again soon..

and you get up and you leave...
each and every time...
YOU get YOURSELF up and YOU remove yourself from that chaos...

you can't change him
you can't control him...
so you remove yourself.......

and if he brings it home...
and starts on you there...
you remove yourself from the home

each and every time...
and you go to ALANON....
and you discuss and powerstruggle none of this....

you act accordingly...

you need to choose out of his behaviors...
he may change when he sees you are done with these useless patterns..
he may not...
but you will no longer be powerstruggling the insane....
and will be free from that chaos..

ARK

Antoinette, I don’t have any experience or advice with a spouse who is not willing to receive any help for himself or his marriage, so I hope others will post soon to advice you on this. I think the best you can do under the current circumstances is to look after yourself and as weaver have said learn about boundaries and self-respect. I agree that your husband treats you badly because he can get away with it.

Edited to post the following:
I see Ark has already posted to you. Listen to her.

Prayers to you,
Suzet

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 07:07 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Hi Ark

I am going to be complete honest with you. I have in the past told him that if he carries on the way he does, that I will get up and leave. And he always says exactly the same thing to me: "Leave now and see where it will get you - face the consequenses", then I would just sit back down again, and he would carry on and on and on.
I am a fool, I know, but I am too scared to get up and leave. I am scared that would be the end of us (how silly does this seem once you have written it down!). And trust me, he is stubborn, he will divorce me just because I walked out, just to "show" me what he is capable of...
YOU KNOW WHAT, HE IS ABUSING ME EMOTIONALLY!! I just realize that if he really loved me he would not try and control me and my actions. And I am still going to be the fool and say, but I do not want to leave him! I love him!

Bump for Antoinette. Please help and advice her.

How?

Ark is correct..she wants resolution and change without conflict.

She is not willing to enforce boundaries.

What help can I offer one who is unmotivated and unwilling to receive it?

I think I left my magic wand in my other pants <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry A..My advice to your earlier post re his drinking was to leave immediately without regard for his other issues and your history of infidelity.

I truly believe that until his drinking and complete lack of respect for you is resolved..all else is spitting in the wind.

I wish I could be of more help.

--Noodle

Antoinette,

I’ve searched some of your other posts and see you have also received advice on the “Resolving Conflict” forum. I think you must go back and take a look at your other posts again. Your situation makes me think about the following words Dr Phil often use when dealing with situations like yours: ”Rather be alone and healthy than be sick and with someone else..”. What he means is - it is better to be healthy and on your own than to stay in a sick and unhealthy relationship with a person who doesn’t want help and in the process also causes you to become sick and unhealthy… Think about that…

Suzet

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 04:10 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>