I have been suspicious that WH is still in contact with OW, but has been erasing calls from his work cell when he contacts her, or his work voice mail.

I started writing down the call timer on his work cell. Since yesterday, he has made 20 calls, 14 of which only show in the call log.

So, it seems that 4-5 calls have been erased.

I'm going to keep watching this.

WH has to be gone for work tonight (suspicious). He and the boat crew are working about 4 hours away today and tomorrow. However, WH is taking a motor pool car so he can come home earlier tomorrow for band practice.

Hmmmmm.........

I guess when I get enough info, I will confront him with it.

Don't know what else to do at this point.

Any suggestions?

K

PS. I cut and pasted from my other post. I AM NOT going to contact OW! I'd LIKE to contact her with my fist <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> - my left fist is the ambulance ride, and my right fist I'm afraid of myself!

Because your H does not seem to be totally on board with recovery, I still assume he is still in contact. It just doesn't seem like he is demonstrating the kind of commitment you will need to trust that his A has ended.

Back to 'Love Must Be Tough'.

The cell phone log you are observing does sound very suspicious.

What are you will to live with? Where is his commitment to your marriage? Is he still just wanting to go back to pre-D-day and live as if you are still in the dark?

Does he really think that his life can go on without any work on his part to heal your marriage? How has he shown you that he is serious about recovery and having a better marriage than pre-A.

Maybe these are more questions to ask yourself than for my benefit.

As long as he has any contact you will not be in recovery. The A can reignite at any time if it hasn't already....well, I think it probably has.

It doesn't sound like you were able to have any sort of meaningful conversation with him this past weekend, did you?

Might I suggest a drastic change if you must go to another plan b. If yo have that left int he tank...he must pay a larger price. I would say, one of the new conditions is that you must relocate. If he wants to work on you two, he must get a new job location, new town, far far away...no more cell phones... all sorts of actions that show he means business. If he doens't like it, then fine, his personal life is more important to him than you are, and you would do better to stay in plan b and live your life (or move forwards towards divorice if you are led there).

Well, I tried to have a meaningful conversation with him on Sunday.

I asked if he had had any contact with OW. He said no. Then, like usual, he acts all depressed.

I don't know what I have left in my "tank", as you call it.

I've already pretty much been on my own for around a year (since WH moved to his apartment in the town where he works).

So, I know I can get along okay on my own. That's not the problem. I DO love my H, not WH, the liar.

I am not willing to live with all of this (the lies, deceit, etc.) for the rest of my life.

WH has already told me that he will NOT quit his job. That is not an option. (he could transfer to another office elsewhere) He has a pretty specialized job.

So, this is where I'm at right now.

K

Well, it pretty much sounds like you are at an impass.

So are you hoping that proof of contact will be the deciding factor or are you just going to keep going along with the statis quo. Maybe a PI?

I thought he had moved home or does he only come home for the weekends and stay in the apt. during the week?

What I would like, is to catch my WH finally telling the TRUTH.

He is home every night. Like I said before, he managed to carry on his A for 2 years before he moved to apartment last November.

His apartment is now cleaned out. When we first went to get some of his things, I noted that nothing had been boxed up, or even started to be packed in any way. He had told DS that he had already boxed everything up the week before he came home. NOT!

I can understand some of his addictive behaviors, and I guess that addictive behavior includes the lies. Those I cannot understand. He used to be the most honest person I ever knew.

The continual lies I cannot live with. But I feel unless I can catch him in this, I will still be lost in oblivion. I was there for too long. And I paid too high a price for staying there.

I remember Forevertogether got her H to take a few of lie detector tests. He failed the first one. Anyway, he came completely clean and willingly took the more tests which comfirmed he was not longer lying.

I really doubt your H would agree to that. I think mine would but I never wanted to spend the money. If I started having suspicions again I would want that but then if guilty I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want to.

When they have nothing to hide they have no need for privacy or anything remotely secret.

I hate being lied to, even about little things.

I am sorry you are in this limbo state. If it doesn't feel like recovery....it isn't.

Has he been doing anything that does give you hope that he is moving toward the M instead of away? It seems like he just does as little as possible to placate you so he doesn't have to be the bad guy, then makes you feel guilty if you don't trust him.

WH doesn't seem to be moving toward anything right now. So, I am in limbo land.

He first wanted to take me away for the weekend. Hasn't done that. He said he wanted to work on our M, but he hasn't done that either. He says he can't while he is still feeling so bad.

I plan on calling him tonight to make sure he really is where he says he is. I won't call his cell, I will call the motel.

Then, I can check the call timer on his work cell when he comes home. If that doesn't add up again, I will know that he is in contact with OW.

I hate the lies. The lies hurt me almost more than the rest of the situation.

K

After looking at my posts, I feel like a whining soap opera queen! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I've been thinking about this all day....sure doesn't help me at work any though.

I think I do have another Plan B left in my tank. And I think you are right....the stakes must be higher.

I'm really tired of all of this. I'm tired of feeling like I matter the least, to the one who matters to me the most.

A person can almost become bemused by all this internal and external drama. Some of it almost seem comical to me.

And so this is what my life has become.....a weekly sitcom/soap opera.

Not good <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

K

Okay, so I'm talking to myself.

That's okay. I guess this is kind of a journal of what I think, and what I see is going on in my life right now.

WH did finally call this evening. Around 8 p.m. I was starting to get angry, and think the worst.

He gave me the motel name and room number. Said he would call me later. He and the crew were just on their way to eat dinner.

I said, "I'll call you later." That way I could make sure he was in the place he said he was.

Well, he called again about an hour later. I told him I was taking a bath, and would call him in a few minutes.

Ten minutes later, I called the motel and asked for his room. He answered the room phone. So he is where he said he was going to be.

Now, I just have to wait until tomorrow night when I can check his cell phone activity.

If it does not match up again, I will confront him (with no LB's) on this.

I will also tell him that I will tolerate NO contact whatsoever with OW. Time to start being accountable. If he does not want to tell me what his passwords, etc. are, then I will have my answer.

I will also let him know that I will not tolerate his unwillingness to work on our M. Withdrawl is all well and good, but I still need some action on this. And his promises have not been met.

Any takers?

K

K..

I think..that if you feel the need to *hunt* him

He isn't doing enough.

The person pulling the load here..is you.

Wrong person <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Are you settling?

Since you have already played detective though..you have all the info you need. He has erased calls. There is no reasonable explanation for this. Tell him that you know he has erased them..and that you will view it as contact with OW whether it is or not. Open book remember. No point debating what possible other event might have caused him to erase. Who cares? The point is..that they will not be erased in the future without him paying the bill as if he had broken his agreement. If he is willing to pay that price for a lesser reason..that really isn't your problem is it?

It is time for H to get some skin in this deal.

.02 Noodle

Ah, Noodle....

New view, fresh air for me.

I get so wound up in these things sometimes, I miss the real point of what is going on here.

You are right. Time to pay the piper.

I'm the piper, and I DON'T SETTLE NO MORE!!!

Did I just feel a 2x4.... or was that a toothpick? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway..... point taken. You are right!

Thanks! K

K,

Not a log nor a toothpick..just a gentle redirecting.

I see people spinning their wheels. Caught up in the details and seeking still more details [I have a theory about this, maybe two actually..one being that they have become so conditioned to accept disrespect from the WS that they think that if they just present enough evidence the OP will break. Not going to happen. Alternately..they are hoping that they are wrong and that more info would support this.]

I have seen BSs get so caught up in the detective work that they may well know more about the OP than their WS does. They have traced the ancestry back to AD 600 and for what?

All they need is the big picture in order to act.

Your big picture is not who he was talking to before he erased..it is that he is not doing what he needs to be doing for this to be a worthwhile risk for you to take. Period.

So any action that you would take with more info differs only marginally from action that you would take with the info you already have..if it differs at all.

Meh, it's late..I'm tired. Not terribly coherant but I absentmindedly had some caffeine after dinner...and so it goes.

--Noodle

Good Morning...

Thanks for the "redirection" Noodle. Your theories make sense to me.

I'm killing myself with detective work, when all the while WH should be doing everything he can to be up front. I should not have to sweat out everyday "looking" for clues of continued infidelity.

He said he wanted to work on our M. He told me he was 90% sure we could make it. What is he doing with the other 10%? Witholding it because he's not sure about - WHAT?

I think (I'm just rambling here) the big picture is not unlike the situation with my puppy.

She is so cute. When I first got her, I would put her in her little pen with food and water, toys, and a place to potty while I'm at work.

She got big enough to jump out of the pen - but not old enough to be let loose in the house alone. She chewed up several pairs of shoes, and dog crap was everywhere.

Now, I put her in her crate. When she is older, and doesn't chew everything, she will be free in the house while I'm gone. If not, back in the crate.

I'm sure that WH feels like that is going to happen to him. He said once he thought he would end up like a dog on a leash.

I don't want another dog on a leash....I want a MAN!!!!

Nothing he has done so far makes him look like a man. He looks more like a weasel.

I don't like weasels. They creep me out!

My actions probably would not differ with more info. You are right.

Like putting the dog in the crate, I took action with the evidence I had. It only took once.

Does this make sense?

K

I haven't had my home computer since Sunday...died. So I've only been on at work during the day. Picking another one up today.

Noodle added good clarity to your situation.

I am sure you'll do fine whatever the outcome.
You just need to sift through the bs and see the truth that seems to be staring you in the face.

Withdrawal is one thing but it's probably time for some tough love again.

Good thing you have your puppy to keep you company.

Yes, I'm glad I got my puppy, too.

I got her the weekend after D-day. Had been saving my extra money since WH moved to his apartment to buy her (after he had told me - "absolutely no more dogs").

You are right about the bull$h!t though. I think sometimes I just don't want to see....that's how this thing went on for so many years without discovery.

Sorry about your computer. It is a useful tool <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !

K