I think I am just over thinking this, and can't help it. My H's A was said to be a one time one night thing. I really have no reason to dought him except for the fact that he obviously lied by not telling me about this when it happened. It was almost four years ago.

I can't stop wondering if he is telling me the truth.(which can be understandable) I have asked him several times if this was the only time and he has said yes every time. How do I really know? I think I am basically going to have to trust him and stop questioning him. He says he feels like I am backing him in a corner by asking and bring up the A and OP. He said two years after A he went out with her and her friends one night, I stayed at my moms instead. He said nothing happened. I do believe him. He said he guessed if he wanted to he could, but he did not want too. He wished it hadn't happen the first time. I asked him if it was strange being around her. He said a little, but they have never discussed it. The only contact otherwise has been e-mails (mostly jokes she sends him)and off chances of seeing her when we go to visit my mom. So maybe 3-4 times in the last 4 years seeing her just in passing mostly.

I mean really, I had a one time A and I was honest about it, and I did not tell him until he got him to tell me about his. I had to pretty much back him into a corner to get it out of him. I never really suspected. So should I not trust him and stop questioning him? I need a mans point of view. How does a man feel and react when they are telling the true and keep getting questioned. This morning he kissed me good by and said he loved me. He did not seem mad at me anymore.

Ann

bump

If a man is telling the truth and keeps getting questioned, it depends on what it's about:
If he's totally innocent, then he has the right to get mad.
If he's sinned, as your H has, then he should put up with it and be patient, and if he resists or turns the tables, then he's probably even more guilty.

Answer this - would there be any evidence somewhere that could prove his guilt/innocence?

Meaning...
Can you dig up cell phone bills, credit card receipts, etc. and do some detective work to see if he's telling the truth?
If he's anything like I was during the dark hours of my A's, he could be sinning but be smug in his confidence that you'll never find out. And he'll slip up - I sure did. I never thought for a moment that my W would check the cell bill online (I had stopped the paper statements). She did. Of course, she did it because she was trying to hide her OWN affair, but nevertheless...it got ME in trouble.

So do the unexpected - don't take his word for it.
Dig for info on your own, install a keylogger on your PC, monitor bills and receipts, check his cell phone, etc.

If you can't find anything or certain things aren't accessible to you, demand that he make them transparent - if he's got nothing to hide he shouldn't mind letting you have the password to his email, etc.

The WS owes it to the BS to be totally open with everything.

I am not talking about now. I trust that he is not having an A and has not in the last 3-4yrs. I am having a problem with believeing that it was a one time thing with OP.

Really all this wondering is stupid. I think I just need to trust his word at this point. All the checking I have done for the present comes out just fine.

It is hard to trust the words of the past. I need I think to just drop it and worry about our present and future.

Ann

If you feel comfortable with it, sit face to face preferrably cross legged on the floor or the bed, hold each other's hands and while looking straight into each other's eyes, just start talking about what is bothering you. Chairs give people a sense of safety making it easier to with hold information.
It sounds silly but my WW CAN'T lie to me when we bare our souls like this. And when you know the truth you can deal with things without the cloud of suspicion hanging over you every thought.
"Dear, I know you have told me a lot about your past A but I need to know, I order to heal myself, if that was the only one. My doubts are preventing me from moving on" Or words to that effect.

Brian

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: bbrriiaann ]</small>