This is my first time writing on this site, so here is a little history.

Me 32, WW 31, S4, & S3.

She began talking to OM(co-worker) over 1 ½ years. R matured 4/04. WW tells me she is unhappy 7/10/04, so I move out for a couple days until she admits she is attracted to someone else, then I move back in. At this time I let her mother know(I needed someone to talk to and help influence her, although her mother chews her out most of the time).

Then, I began investigating with tapes in car and house taps(I’ve done a pretty good job at this so, if any one needs advice let me know). So, when I moved back the first time I was on my best behavior and she said it was driving her crazy. Then I moved out again. Soon after I got cell records, which revealed that she has been going to a near by city(OM hometown) when she was supposed to be working or shopping. I confronted them both, but they said they were just friends, but I knew better.

A couple days later, I told her that I went out and was dancing with another woman(all true). As a result, next day she wanted to try to make our M work (She got jealous), so I moved back in(8/2/04). It was going well for a about 10 days, then she said she wasn’t happy. So, couple days go by and then I figure out the password to her answering service at work; the OM started leaving messages to her on that 10th day along with a lot of ILY’s.

When I found out, I lied and told her I talked to him and he told me about the sex and I got her to admit it, but says its just emotional and they only had sex 3 times (8/15/04). I move out again on the 17th. For the next couple weeks I seen her when I went to go see the kids and talked to her at night. After that, I started seeing her more often sort of like “dating” (her words) I guess she wanted to get feelings back for me. It went well for about 2 weeks (she had stopped talking to OM, but she was still checking his messages so, I was still very suspicious) then I blew up one day after I checked his messages(I got is password too) and he was trying to meet her somewhere; so, I cursed her out and told her it was over.

It was a mistake on my part, because it gave her an excuse to go back to him. Then a couple days later she took my kids with OM and evacuated for a hurricane to another state(very hurtful, although the kids must have drove them nuts). She later apologized.

Then another couple of weeks go by with me just coming by to see kids, until one day I told her that I was in the process of moving on and lied to her about talking to another woman. At this point she did not want to loose me and wanted me back, but not yet b/c she wanted to get rid of the OM(her addiction, which she had referred to him at times).

She has had a very hard time cutting him off because OM controls her with his words; he is very manipulative and also makes her feel bad for him. He is all smooth talk and doesn’t have much else to offer. So, now I am back in the house. I told her over a week ago that I am moving back in whether she likes it or not, and if she doesn’t like it she should leave; She said she needs me to take control, b/c she cant. I should have done this a long time ago. And now she has stopped talking to him and is going through withdrawals. I hope she can do it, b/c she can still see OM at work.

I would be happy to answer any questions and would be appreciative for any advice.

It is possible for your wife to find another job?

I would suggest that she should do so immediately if is possible. Continued contact with OM is a big *no no* in recovery.

(Yes, I know most MB'ers would say that she MUST quit immediately- but I also know that in some cases quitting the job would be next to impossible b/c of financial/medical ins. etc. reasons).

Breaking off contact is a key. If at all possible, she should find another job.

I think that you may also want to take a hard look at the impact of your actions, though. You keep moving in and moving out...and you admit lying to her about a couple of different things. I understand that deception was a way to get information. But...if you expect her to be honest with you, you need to set an example by being honest yourself.

By the way..how did you get his password?

The only lie that she doesn't know about is the other woman, but I will tell her the truth when we are recovered. It has been a key factor in getting her to see her true feelings about me.

About the job, They are in sales and most of there contact has been on the phone. She is addicted to the conversations with him, but they could bump into each other at work. And if she gets anouther sales job she will still have the cell phone. She also thinks she can do it. She does have a well paying job which we depend on and it also does not require 8 hrs to do, which allows her to pick the kids up from school.

So, I wanted to try this way first.
Is that a bad idea?

Have you ever stopped to realize what all of this BS game playing and moving in and out of your house is doing to your kids. Just think about that for one moment. It is horrifying man.

I now see what it has done to my kids especially my 4 yr old. He asks me every night,"Daddy, are you going to stay here all night?" and every time I hear him say that I want to cry. It also makes me think less of my W. It doesn't appear to bother her too much. We were telling him that I was working.

Last week I told her that she and the OM were responsible for how S4 has been acting(he has been acting up in school). She takes offense;so, I drop it.

I wont leave again, If she doesn't want her family then she can leave. And I told her that.

Anyway, she is trying. Showing me a little affection and tells me ILY.
I have hope, but after all I've been through, I still do not trust she will be able to stay away from OM.
I know my job now is to be patient and avoid LBs.

Well, I caught her again.

Yesterday, I put one of my digigal voioce recorders in WW car. She talked to him again, and I heard her tell him ILY. When I asked her last night she denied it, but I finally got her to admit talking to him. She said that it was nothing. I didn't tell her I taped her; so, I couldn't tell her all that I heard. We then talked about it, and she said that she loves me and is really going to stop talking to him.

I don't know what to do.

Sonumb,

Sorry to hear about your latest incident.

Could you tell me more about the tapes and digital recorder and how you did it? I'm new to this and suspect my H.

RadioShack sells digital voice recorders made by Olympus. I recommend the vn-480-pc. This one can hold up to 8 hrs, plus after you record you can upload the files to your computer. It cost somewhere b/n $80 and $100, but it is worth it. There is a voice activation mode on it, which only records when there is sound.

I would also like to learn more about the taping and how you tapped your own phone. I suspect my wife is not being totally honest.

The best way that I found to record home phone conversations, is to get one of the telephone Co. phones(if you can, I knew someone). Place it where you can conseal it(you will need to get to the telephone wires). Then get a telephone mic (w/suction cup) and tape it to the speaker part on the phone, and plug it to your recorder(on voice activation mode).

Another way, is to get a phone tap from radioshack and plug it to any phone jack in you house, the plug the mic part into your recorder. The problem I have found with this is that may phone line has a hiden noice (maybe b/c its digital?), so, the voice activation doesn't work (It just keeps recording).

The only problem w/the digital voice recorder is that it takes 2 AAA bat's, which wont last more than a day or 2. So, what I have done is connect 2 "D" bats in parrallel to the AAA's, and now I get over a week of time.

Good Luck!

Sorry you are going thru this...

Is OM married? If so, have you exposed the A to his BS? Does anyone outside of her mom) in your family know of her A w/him? If not, you need to expose - I waited tooooo long to exposure my WH A's..He was too far gone in a few A's to care that I exposed him for who he really is..Don't delay...

When I confronted the OW they didn't seem to care that "the wife" was calling them - they probably thought I was psyco..Our family and close friends did/do care what is going on - they want my WH to stop - so maybe some additional family/friends (outside of her mom) may be able to talk to her..

Since you seem to be a very good snoop - is this guy seeing anyone outside of your wife??? If you can find some dirt on him and expose him to your wife that could help too. I know when I told my WH OW that they weren't the "only" one and gave names that perked their ears up alittle..He probably smoothed it over and they believed him - but now the seed of doubt/lies, etc. has been planted...Though, my WH is a super great lier..it just flows so smoothly out of him....

I was going to get one of those digital recorders for his car or our home - but, I didn't know where to hide it...as for taping my phone lines - I'm not mechanically inclined so I couldn't do it....Remember it is illegal....she/he could file federal charges against you..BE CAREFUL..Never let her know that you taped her...

I'd like to know what he tells OW - but, I'm getting to the point now that it doesn't matter WHAT they say or who my WH says it to...Just knowing that he's still having A's is all I really need to know..

I hope things get better and your wife decides what she really wants..What your M is lacking that she is finding in OM...Have you done the EN questions on this site??? That might be a start - at least you 2 are still talking..Get into Plan A right away..YOur right don't leave anymore..I refuse to leave my home..if he wants out then GO..don't let the door hit you in the A##...

first thing is...STOP moving out...this is not good for the kids. If she wants out then she should go....nest she needs to get another job...there is no way around that unless the OM leaves his job.

Are you guys in counseling? you should go together.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.....include the kids in your plans.

Read the posts here....There are very wise ones here. ARK^^, PEP, FM, WAT and others.

keep posting and reading...comeback often

Do you know where to get telephone co. phone? And how does it connect to phone line? Regular plug?

First, I like to thank all of you for taking time to write.

numb2-I would worry about the phone co. phone, because it will probably be hard to get. I was just lucky. However, I would go get that phone tap from RS. It plugs right into any phone jack. It is about the size of 2in box w/wires coming out.

Ithurts- The OM is not married, but I was thinking about talking to his parents. WW says OM has no pressure on him. Good idea?
WW does know OM has been unfaitful to her, but he justifies it. She cannot see bad things about him now or she wont.
I have pretty much told everyone, which has put a lot of pressure on her. Her aunts have been a great help.
She loves the way he talks, and that is something that I am not good at, but talk is cheap. Since I have moved back in, we have been spending more time together w/our boys and I think it is helping.
I was told that it wasn't illegal to tape my own house phone.

JaH-Thanks for the advice. We are not in counseling together, but she has just started seeing someone yesterday(She NEEDS help). She must have some screws loose to do what she did. She has two healthy boys, a good job, a nice house, and a caring husband that she can trust. But we are going to go see a priest today(I cant wait).

What do ya'll think of this:
I called OM today to see what she has been telling him and I told him I would tell him what she's been telling me. He told me to call him back later and that he would like to know.

Thanks again

Keep us posted on phone call with the OM.

I am not sure I trust my FWH either, however I am not sure the tape recorder would work for me, as he blares his radio. He does turn it down when I am on the phone however. It might be a good investment for peice of mind.

Where do you put the recorder so that your wife does not find it or so that it does not slide out while driving, and so that you can hear her conversations.