Sorry, I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this. My H and I are in the process of recovery. DDay was 3/1/04. My H had cheated on me via the internet. At that time he decided to get rid of all computers and computer games b/c he was addicted to them (my H has had many addictions).

Since then he's begged me for computer games back. Kinda like a junkie needing a fix. I tell him it's not up to me, that he's an adult, he can decide. Well we are finally making some good strides in our relationship and he springs the computer games on me again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> My feelings on this is that they were a bad part of our marriage and we need time to heal the marriage before we reintroduce them. He seems willing to destroy all our hard work so he can have them back.

I'm not sure what to do here. He has told me he hasn't been lying to me anymore but I found out last night he has been (about computer games, not cheating). But that doesn't help with rebuilding trust. He says the cheating and the games are too separate issues. So does that mean he can lie about them? I just don't know.

I know he'll give up for a while and then he'll bring it up again. I just don't understand why he would want to bring something bad back into our marriage now of all times?

Plus he also has this thing he says when he's mad at me (we had a huge fight Sunday, cops were called on him). He told me everything in his life that's bad is my fault. When I spoke with him yesterday he admitted he shouldn't have said that. But then a few minutes later said that he feels saying that is relavant and he will say it again if he feels like it.

I feel as though I'm kidding myself here. We are reading all the books, getting counseling (IC no longer MC due to $$). It's like he seems to be working on it but he also doesn't want to grow up.

Any advice? Should I just throw in the towel on the computer games? I feel like his whipping post right about now.

You haven't got much response to your questions, but let me offer you one.

What do you want? And as far as your relationship with him in the past, how often do you get your way? That may help some others here to respond to your questions.

RH

Recovering H,

You asked me what I want. I want my H to have a hobbie he enjoys. Computer games are fine if he can enjoy them w/o getting so extremely upset with them and then taking it out on me and our kids.

As far as our past, when I bring something up to my H like these games and his reaction to them, he just says, "fine I won't play anymore." That's not what I want. But he's setting a bad example for our sons with his behavior. I'm not trying to be right or parent him. I know he likes these games but he doesn't acknowledge he has a problem with them. Now I'm the bad guy.

I think it's a pretty simple equation:

H + computer games = bad stuff happens

Right?
He's not a normal healthy adult that can play a little, then play with the kids, make dinner, give you affection, etc.etc.
The games take precedence over everything else?
Do you and the kids suffer when he plays, meaning he ALWAYS gets upset when he does?

Then he is sick.
And like all addictions, the first step is admitting you have a problem.
He's got to stop wanting to play because of the impact it's having on his family, not because you WANT him to.

He's fooling himself, and he's making things worse. I would say he needs to get some serious IC on the subject of addiction and compulsion.

Thanks VnusMars,

You are right. I've asked him to talk to his IC about it. He says he will but then two months later we're right back where we started. It's like anytime things start to get better he jumps on the chance to get them back. Getting them back would mean buying another computer and repurchasing the games (they are all gone). I just wonder why he keeps going back and forth? It's very confusing to me on top of dealing with our marriage problems and our kids.

He hasn't fully admitted to himself that there IS a problem, that's why he keeps going back. He seems to only quit the games and sell the equipment to satisfy you, but still has the urge and doesn't think what he's doing is wrong.

Keep this in mind:
HE IS AN ADDICT of sorts. Just like an alcoholic, that means HE HAS TO QUIT COLD TURKEY AND DO IT FOR GOOD.
He can never own another computer game as long as he lives. And he has to be OK with that, and have the strength to abide by it.
He has proven himself incapable of playing games without causing destruction, therefore, he has to completely 100% quit and never go back.

Thanks again VnusMars.

I hope through his IC he will get help. I'm tired of being blamed and then him taking out his revenge on me (his words). He feels this way about the band he was in too. Again, another thing he couldn't do without going overboard. I wonder if he can ever just have a healthy hobbie? Maybe it's just me. I dunno. I'd like for him to be happy and do things he likes w/o hurting me and the kids in the process.

jaded,

I agree that there is a problem with your H and video games. I'm gonna come from a different angle rather than addiction one.

Two personal examples

When I was a freshman, I changed schools. I went from an 8th grade class of 25 to a freshman class of 320. This was a little traumatic for me. I became more introverted and even shyer than I already was. My mother got sick and was in the hospital for about 6 weeks, my father worked swings at the coal mine and I got to take care of my two younger brothers. During this time I developed hypoglycemia, suffered from fatigue, headaches and I lost about 25 pounds. This is when I started reading. I could go to the majical land of Xanth or ride Dragons in pern. I read non-freaking stop, not because I was addicted but because I didn't want to be where I was.

A few years ago I used to golf....allot. In a good week I would play everyday and do 36 holes at least one day on the weekend. In a bad one I might get in 5 rounds or so. I chipped balls in the house, I read the magazines and my tv was glued to the Golf Channel (channel 32 in Limestone, ME). This went on for the better part of a year.

At the time we had no kids, my wife was going to school so during the week it wasn't taking alot away from the "us" time but during the weekends we spent allot of time apart. Looking back I know I played waaay to much but I wouldn't not say I was addicted. I would say I was avoiding. Avoiding intimacy, conflict, my insecurities and low self-esteem. I still play golf though not nearly as frequently (I've got my 17 handicap to prove it).

I think your H needs counseling, not for addiction but for avoiding or escaping reality. He has found something in those games, power, authority, respect, etc. These things are quantifiable. You can see exactly where you rank, where you excel and where you suck. Totally opposite than in life where its a little more ambiguous. Something is missing in your H and it goes allot deeper than his XBOX.

Just my opinion

God Bless

Doug

I'm going to focus on the "cheating' aspect of this for a minute. It seems to me that online romances are fueled by the same thing that fuels "real" affaird - an unfulfilled need.

I used to do a lot of online chatting - to the detriment of my marriage. At the time, I thought it was just "fun" and that it wasn't "real." But...I came to understnad that I was wrong. And I now know the reason I went online in the first place: an unfulfilled need for admiration.

Needs are powerful things: they can overwhelm good sense and good character. And...a lot of times, we aren't even aware that they exist.

My advice is to try to look beyond the surface, to find the REASON that your husband is addicted to this stuff. He's going to have to do a lot of introspection to find the answers. In the meantime, you should set clear limits - negotiate an amount of time that he will spend gaming each day.

Doug,

Thank you for sharing that point of view. I can see where my H would want to try to escape. That's the way he handles things. He avoids them. He likes the games b/c they are fun and I'm sure for the escape factor they give him. My problem isn't that, it's more the way he acts if something goes wrong in his game or if he gets interupted. He's slammed his keyboard many times, broken very expensive headphones slamming them down, etc. He does this in front of our children. He also takes out his frustration on me.

I hope he'll work through this and find some balance. I just really don't know how much longer I want to hang on to this and have him coming at me. I know for a fact that he's not honest during his IC and has recently said he wants to see a new IC.

Andrew,

Thank you for that reply. I know my H's highest EN is the need for admiration. I admit I was no good in that department. I was to busy taking care of our childrens needs (two young boys, both have autism) alone (H did not help or support me emotionally). I pulled away from him b/c I felt he wasn't there for me and he turned to women online. I've been working hard on meeting his EN's and we have made progress. This just keeps coming up. His "love" of computer games and how big a part of his life they are.

Here's a thought: is there a way that you can turn his "love" of gaming into an activity that you can do together?

Perhaps you take the initiative: go out and buy a good, fun two-player game...and play with him.

This will do a couple of things: First, it will show him that you DO care about him and his interests. It will bring the two of you closer together. And you'll have FUN!!! That's important. Playtime togehter can do a world of good for a relationship.

Perhaps if you game with him a bit, he'll be more willing to work with you to set some limits?

My husband also was very addicted to computer games. The one called Diablo. It was so bad. He would get up sometimes around 6 a.m and be online playing till all hours of the night. On the weekends sometimes he stayed up all night long. I got ignored and his kids got ignored. My husband does not just get addicted to just games. Now he has this OW who he is also addicted to.

He would hate himself after playing it. But he just could not find a way to make himself stop. I would beg him not to play but sometimes I think that made him want to do it more just to spite me. I didn't have a problem with him playing because like you said I want him to have hobbies and enjoy himself. He just never knew when to stop. He doesn't play anymore. But with all his addictions he stops then goes back a few months or years later. Most of the time I think he did this to take his focus off everyday problems. But in the end it ended up making our marriage even more vulnerable.

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Take care.

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

SML,
Oh THANK YOU! Diablo was one here too. "Just one more Waypoint Honey, then I'll come to bed." "I can't quit now, I've almost finished this mission." OMG! I so hate that game and it's sequal and all other games by Blizzard (WarCraft, StarCraft). Ugh! My H would stay up late (ignoring my needs for SF) to play, get up early, be late for work, etc. It's awful. Thanks for relating. I was beginning to feel like I was the only one dealing with this.

AndrewA,

Thanks again for your reply. I'd love to do anything BUT play games on the computer with my H. He just doesn't play nice. These games are "his" activity to do alone. We do a lot together but he needs his own "thing" and I do to. That's why I'm so torn on this. I know he needs a hobbie, just a healthy way of having one.

Jaded: Looks like you got a bunch of good replies. Not sure if they've really helped you or not. Time will tell. I know my W & I don't play many games together. I'm too competitive. I used to play many computer games to the detriment of our M. I'm mostly through that stage now.

I guess the most important thing is that you keep the lines of communication with H open and communicate to him your boundaries without coming across as a nag. I don't really have any advice for you here, but I want wish the best of luck.

RH