Haven't seen an update from you. You hanging in there?

Hi. I'm hanging in there. Just by a thread, but I am. Thanks for checking:)

WH didn't make the plane to Guatemala due to "passport trouble". So, there's no telling when he'll get there, if at all.

He just called to say the transmission in MY pick up is blown and it'll cost $800. to fix it. When I mentioned him selling it and the trailer and coming home he flipped out about how I just make matters worse.

Basically, he doesn't want to hear that he's put us over the edge financially and is just digging a deeper hole. Any suggestion that he needs to be here instead of there is met with anger and resentment.

I'm not waiting to file the separation papers. I'm doing it this week. I can't wait until he decides to get to Guatemala in hopes he'll come around. I can't wait for him to come around period.

He needs to figure out his life himself from now on. I just can't help him do this to us. Oh well.

It's actually a bit of a relief. I can at least make future plans.

That's what is going on right now.

How are you?

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 03:52 PM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>

FIM, thanks for responding. I am so sorry that your WH still has not come around. I think you moving on is a good thing, but I would be willing to bet one week's salary that he will be back, it is just a matter of time. I think you are a very very strong person and eventually he will realize the disaster he has made out of his life and come back. The day that happens to him will be a devestating day, trust me. I hope and pray that you maintain the strength to protect YOURSLEF and CHILDREN from all that will be coming your way when he tries to return. Anyways, this will all make you stronger. I am sure that you never tought you had the fortitiude to see yourself through this mess, but you are doing it. As painful as life is now, you have to believe in a higher power that better times lie ahead (with or without your H). Keep you chin up.

Thank you, Lemonman. I am a strong woman and I will get through this. I also believe he will end up opening his eyes. I just can't continue to put my family through his drama and self-centered lifestyle anymore.

I feel good about this decision and know that did everything and walked as far as I could. I'm just going to enjoy these three great kids of mine and work on finding a way to keep us afloat until I can get us back on track.

And you know, you're posts here helped me to look at the situation a little closer than I might have otherwise. So, thank you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FIM
Bless your heart. I am so sorry.

Now is the time to turn to your church for help. You situation is exactly what they're there for. Jesus calls us to care for the widows and orphans and of course you're neither, you get the gist. He's abandoned you and calling for money to be able to travel to be with this ow/child. Read what the Bible says about a man who doesn't care for his family-it's frightening.

I think you're doing the right thing by filing for separation. You need to protect yourself. He could accumulate sizable debt of which you could be partially responsible. He's totally fogged out so logical thinking is out the door.

I didn't think it possible for my life to go on without having my husband. When you're going blind, it just seems easier to stay in a bad situation rather than an uncertain one. I was mistaken. I'm happier now that I've been in over 20 years. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's necessarily over for you, but just want to reassure you that things will be better. You don't deserve this and I think the torture you're going through has to stop. You need to separate yourself from this drama and focus on yourself and the kids.

When people get involved in affairs, their lives can never go back to normal. I used to think that. It doesn't. That relationship can be better but it will forever be scarred. You know that from his first affair. Now this... Lemonman is so concerned for you as we all are. I agree that this is just too much. For your mental and physical health, you've got to let him go and fall. You can't help him, you can't communicate with him, it's a very dark Plan B time...very dark. I know it's easier said than done but now is the time to stop checking on him, allowing the kids to call him or accepting calls from him. It won't hurt them to not talk to their dad for awhile. No explanation needs to be given-just keep them busy. He showing so much disrespect for you because it's allowed..stop!

I am considering just going ahead with the divorce instead of the separation. I'm going to talk with my lawyer again though because he had said I wouldn't be financially protected unless I filed for separation.

I don't want this to go on for 6 months though. I would just prefer to go the 90 days it takes for the divorce. I can't believe that just 14 days after having the last divorce petition dismissed, I'm going to go spend another $120.00 to just get to the same place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Oh well. It's the same for separation or divorce. I'll just have to suck it up and do it.

Faith -

No, it is not time for divorce yet. But you do need to file for child support. It is almost unbelievable how messed up these WS's can be.

I went through so much misery, because my WH just couldn't be honest. This went on and on for 22 months.

I'm completely over him now. But you've got a long way to go before you file for divorce.

Continue to take care of you and your children. But protect yourself.

Hang in there FiM -- I'm sorry he's blowing it big time and you and the kids are the one paying the price.

I know at some point, you just want the chaos and the hurt to stop. But for less than the cost to re-file, you could talk to S. Harley -- maybe he can help guide you a bit through these latest developments. I know you have to pay to file for separation as well, but it may be worth your peace of mind.
Take care,
Shellybird

FIM,

Since your divorce was only dismissed 14 days ago, ask your attorney whether the judge might reinstate it without your having to refile. I dismissed my divorce petition on the hearing date and 10 days later, my attorney and I went back in front of the judge, asked him to reinstate the petition, entered our settlement agreement and within minutes, was divorced. Its worth a try.....

Brit's Brat

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shellybird:
<strong> Hang in there FiM -- I'm sorry he's blowing it big time and you and the kids are the one paying the price.

I know at some point, you just want the chaos and the hurt to stop. But for less than the cost to re-file, you could talk to S. Harley -- maybe he can help guide you a bit through these latest developments. I know you have to pay to file for separation as well, but it may be worth your peace of mind.
Take care,
Shellybird </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shellybird:

I am just wondering, what is it do YOU THINK that Steve could tell her to "guide her" through "these latest developments". Please, I just want to know what you think he would say. I am very curious to hear your thoughts in this. Thanks in advance for the repsonse.

Hi Faith, I'm in a strange place too with 3 children to care for, financial concerns, and a WH in La La Land so I have been following your plight with interest.

I just can't believe that after being played for a fool with the lies/deception/crap etc, I could ever get back loving feelings for my WH again. It's gone on such a long time. And yet, it is so hard realising that you have to take a different path from the cozy, comfortable life you saw for yourself.

You wake up one day with strong convictions about how you'll deal with a situation and then the next day you have a different perspective again. I live and breathe his affair, 24/7. I am so looking forward to a day when it is a blip in mind as opposed to a tumour. It is so unhealthy.

Just thinking of you, that's all. TT

(((((FIM)))))

You do what you gotta do chickadee - we're here for you and praying for you and those kiddoes.

- Kimmy

FIM, I dont think you are ready for divorce yet! Please consider doing a Plan B first. I know Plan B is sooo hard, heck I couldn't do it, but I do believe that your WH will come around one day...I really do see you two in me and my FWH! I believe he loves you still and I know you love him still. I know the pain he is putting you thru is so much to bare right now, and that is why Plan B is so good. You dont have to bare that pain anymore in Plan B. Please consider doing it before filing for the big D! {{{{HUGS}}}}

Well, I spent most of yesterday and all of last night thinking and praying on this. It's not easy and I am sure that I will end up crying and questioning myself plenty over the next few months, but I am going to try to have the dismissal reversed and enter straight into the divorce.

I sat down and went through all of our bills, got the most up-to-date info I could off the internet and put everything down on paper. It is WAY worse than I thought. He wasn't paying things he told me he was and when I scrutinized the joint account, I found that he spent a lot of money to get my pick up...my beat up ugly pick up....ready for this trip. I think he spent more on it in the last month than we paid for the darn thing. He spent plenty more on things that just blow my mind too though.

So, I figure that just to get our monthly commitments back on track will take around $10,000. How the hell did he do that in 2.5 months? So, I'm going to see about selling the house and what I need to do there. I'm going to look into trading down my Durango and I'm just going to have to go back to work full time. I hate the thought of that. We didn't have another child for so long because we felt strongly about waiting until we could afford for me to be at home. My job allows me to work three days a week for my children's school, during school hours, doing something I love while still being at home most of the time with our baby.

I hate the loss of the dream most of all I think. I know kids grow up in single parent households with the parent working full time, all the time. My older children went through these same years with us both working full time. But darn it! I wanted to, worked hard to and supported WH through school to get to the point we could give our kids more than a part time mom. Now, don't get me wrong!! I've been a full time working parent most of the years I've BEEN a parent. I'm not saying anything negative about working parents or the quality of childhood with a working parent. I just wanted and worked to be able to give them more of me. I don't think I'll ever quite forgive WH for stealing that from the kids, me and even from him.

But, I need to find a way to get us, the kids and me, back on track. I'm ashamed of myself for letting things go so far in the last few months. Since he came home, I simply trusted that while I was working and he was home, that he was taking care of things and wouldn't do THIS to his family.

I guess it's a testiment to how much he has changed.

I had an evening event at work last night and was talking with one of my friends. I told her about a dream I had where WH wasn't actually broke down or still in SAT, but had let me believe that so he could surprise me and the kids. She said that she had seen a truck like his and for a moment thought maybe he had done that too. We got to talking about how much that would be like the OLD WH. He would show up for no reason and bring me coffee or flowers or gone shopping and picked me up a new outfit or jewelry. He loved to spoil and surprise me. Our guy friends kidded him about it because their wives would joke with their husbabnd and say "How come you never to what he does!"

He touched me casually throughout the day and I always knew I was cherished by him. He showed me AND told me. Now, that is gone.

But, realizing that it is the dream of what our life would have been like and the man he was before that is hurting so much, helps. He's just not that same guy. I don't and maybe never will understand how one changes that much. But, it obviously does happen.

So, I need to get this divorce. I need the power to do what I need to do for me and the kids. I have no doubt that someway in the next few years I will dig us out of this and we'll be even better off. I don't doubt it a bit. I don't like the thought of the road there though.

I hope he just goes on and finally get whatever job and life is so important to him right now. The sooner he moves forward, the sooner he gets to work, the sooner he can do something to help us get out of this mess.

Fortunately for me, I have a lot of experience in a pretty small field....hazardous waste of all things! I used to work for a hazardous waste management company and the industry pays fairly well and experience goes a long way there. I currently work as a development director (enrollment, admissions, marketing, major fundraising, etc) for my children's private school, so there is another decent niche in the workforce. I'll find a good full time job and curse his name as I do it.

I know revenge isn't a good thing and I need to get this feeling out of my system, but working off a night of no sleep and two weeks....actually almost 6 months total....of turmoil, it's looking pretty good. The best revenge of all is living good though.

My intent is to not only get through this with some sort of dignity, but to be able to say "Thank you for allowing me to get here" at the end. I want to look back and know that wherever I'm at, I couldn't have gotten there with him by my side. THAT is my planned revenge.

m23b - We were posting at the same time.

Right now, to protect my interests as well as the kids, I think this is probably my only option. I'm talking to my lawyer again this morning though.

He is familiar with PLAN B. We've done it before, when he went to SAT. Steve Harley has talked with both of us about it and had WH read SAA. He knows what it is.

I am going dark and not communicating with him. Should the time come that he turns his life around, is not with someone else and has made some pretty drastic changes to the person he has become, we can always look at things. But, considering where things are, I'm not expecting that to happen anytime soon and am not going to sit and watch him continue to take us down with him.

I can't say what the future will bring and I sincerely hope he can change again...this time for the better. But, I can't and won't do it with him. Those things listed above, there is an "and" between them. Not an "or". He needs to turn things around AND not be with anyone else AND have already changed quite a bit for the better.

I'd be happy to send the letter but he doesn't answer his phone, has no confirmed address (since he's not living with OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and seems to be in a late '70 model camper trailer and an '86 chevy pickup with a blown transmission somewhere in the great state of Texas.

He's not stupid. He knows what it would take to get his family back. I've told him a gazillion times over the last few months. He knew this was a distinct possibility when he left over my objections to his leaving in the first place.

I just can't HOPE that he'll come around because all indications point to him NOT doing it. Or at least NOT doing it until he's taken us to rock bottom too.

I'm not willing to make rock bottom the view from my front window.

I deserve better, the kids deserve better.

He gets what he deserves.

FIM:

I am so proud of you. I think you are doing what is best for you and your children, that is all that matters now. I will say an extra prayer for you tonight. Stay strong through this.

FIM.....

I'm reading your story everyday.

The only thing I can say is.....isn't it amazing how much we endure from someone we love?

The human heart is amazing.

Take good care of yourself, and your kids. You and your children are a wonderful gift worth fighting for.

You amaze me.

K

Dearest FIM
You just have to wonder what he was really thinking when he went through the act of having the kids burn the D papers...the whole production. How cruel. Is he really that twisted? Was it really just a ruse to get you to back off so he could follow through with going to OW while still keeping you on the back burner? It seems it was his plan all along to go on that date...job or no job. Sad he is so lost right now.

I think your plan is a good one. You are regrouping well and will even get stronger.

I so understand your wanting to work part time and be there more for your kids. It is sad that is what you have to do especially with your baby so young.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:

He just called to say the transmission in MY pick up is blown and it'll cost $800. to fix it. When I mentioned him selling it and the trailer and coming home he flipped out about how I just make matters worse.

Basically, he doesn't want to hear that he's put us over the edge financially and is just digging a deeper hole. Any suggestion that he needs to be here instead of there is met with anger and resentment.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because of his reaction to your very reasonable requests.... I think he's not comming home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> sorry, you know how blunt I am.

Because this is not the first infidelity on his part ... I would support your decision to cut bait at this time.

He's in a deep hole, and he's still digging deeper. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I would not leave the welcome home lite in the window if I were you... but, I am NOT you, however I do respect any decision you make.

Pep

I support you in whatever you do FIM.
You are a clear thinking, ambitious (about love so therefore about finances most undoubtedly)
You DO have two great venues to take work-wise. You will certainly work out of the money hole.

I am sorry you can't live your plan of staying home more often with the kids.

That sucks BIGTIME!