Dazed,
The thing that comes to my mind is some the stuff that Two of a Kind posted. I don't know if it will help you at all but he always made me smile. He was the WS that took responsibility for what he did, dug in and did the work to turn himself around. If this helps, look up some of his posts.
2OAK says:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are probably three basic types of WS.. or at least 3 types I know about first hand. The odd thing is all three might be the same one, you are looking for the last one:
Type 1: Why did they do it? Because they could. They'll do it again and never plan on getting caught.
Type 2: Does get caught, is genuinely sorry and remorseful and for a time does/says the right things and eventually cheats again because they did not figure out what type 3 has...
Type 3: Same as type 2 but they make a significant difference. Type 2 works to get back to where they were before the affair and achieve a return to 'normalcy'. Type 3 goes on to realllly look inside and try to understand it. Why did I do that? What was I really seeking? What was missing in me? Why was I unhappy? What can I do to make sure I am never in that position again? What can we do as a couple to make sure we do it right this time?
Basically this is the WS who gets the crap scared out of them and is motivated to really change.
Not too long ago a New, foggy WS asked me the old "If you could cheat and there was no way you would ever get caught..."
That question kinda helped me figure out how different I am today versus two-three years ago.
Back then the answer to the question was 'Duh, why the heck not?".
Now the question is just silly. Back then the question was "would you do what you WANT or what you should". Now the question loses meaning because the desire is not there. I'm pretty sure what was wrong with me back then and it is different now - the question isn't a head scratcher because it is now "If nobody would ever know would you do something that would hurt, humiliate and devastate YOU". Well hell no. I'd rather slam it into a car door than some OW now.
The thing is that now it has nothing to do with J - I WOULD KNOW and that is the person who would be hurt, betrayed, devastated.
The affair hurt me too. I know that now because I spent the time, the pain and the energy to really dig and figure out how I was broke and then rebuilt my own self esteem based on being the guy I SEE myself as. I did not see myself as a slimy, lying, cheating and inconsiderate scumbag. I'm a nice guy, a caring guy, a loving guy, a guy who puts his family first and willingly does for them because I derive my sense of self worth from THAT. If J and my munchkin are curled up on the sofa watching a movie with me and they fall asleep contentedly on each of my two shoulders I can close my eyes and know all is well with MY world. My girls are safe, happy, content and I KNOW they are safe because I'm not doing anything to jeopardize their happiness and security and God help anyone else who tries.
No affair can ever provide that for me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He truly was a WS who "got it" He hasn't posted for a while and I miss him because he gave so much to the board. He was the "king" of N/C.
Hope this helped. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Cathy
