well, I got the response from my H today. He was suprisingly nice about it given the nasty letter I wrote him. I decided not to tell him the other day when I was originally going to. I didn't want him to blame me if he wasn't able to do well in the big tournament this past weekend. Last year he didn't do very well because it was the week before the wedding and he said he was too distracted. I also didn't want to tell him yesterday being the anniversary and all. I thought he might think I was doing it on that day to make it more hurtful. Even so, I know my letter was kind of mean. I really don't care though. I'm bitter over all of this mess. I'm not going to get anything else out of this marriage so why bother being nice anymore. I tried that it only made him leave me.

Anyway, here is the letter I sent him followed by his response.

My letter:
Okay, I held back from saying this before your big tournament but I'm going to say it now. Can you believe we've been married an entire year? So much has changed hasn't it? Being that our marriage lasted only six months before it completely collapsed I have to say that we both failed at it misererably.

Next month we reach the six month mark of our seperation. I think it's time we go through with the divorce. I wanted to give you advance warning because I know that you are short on cash, but I don't feel like I should have to pay for it, being that you are the one who wanted out to begin with. I also don't see the reasoning behind keeping this marriage legal when we are not going to try and work on it.

Besides, we both want to go on with our lives. I enjoyed having you in mine but things change all the time. I hope that our anniversary, be it somewhat meaningless, made you remember what we once had. I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm just trying to be truthful. I want to keep my options open now. It's also not that I need closure, it's more that I don't really think it's right to get into another relationship while still married. At least we both know that there's nothing between us this time.

If it makes you feel better, I know you never meant to hurt me, but in the end I'm in a better place. I have almost everything that I was missing before yet I am missing everything that I had before. Still those things will come and although it still upsets me to know that you too will find someone again, I know that you will as well.

You know, it's kind of funny, I never knew that I was attractive when I was with you. I always felt like I wasn't thin enough or athletic enough. It hasn't been until the last few months that I even realized that other men even looked at me and even though I may look the worst I have in a while, I finally have the self confidence to attract people and with that confidence I can also decide who I want to spend my time with. It kills me to think that we won't remain friends and we will never reach the potential that we could have together but I've become a different person. I'm done giving into what others want first. I am my own person and I demand to be respected for whatever choices I make.

You made the choice to leave me. I hope your life is everything you thought it would be without me.

These past five months I wanted so badly to try and repair things between us. Then it dawned on me. Everyone on your side said it was "a slap in your face" when I left for the hotel the night you left without your wedding band, called her, and yelled at me on the phone; but you had no trouble sending me across the country and no matter how much it hurt me and still does, you didn't care enough about me or my feelings to remove her as a student. Her feelings came over mine and that dear is more than a slap in the face. It's a punch in the face and a dagger to the heart.

I know that girl had some problems. I know she cut her wrists, but did you know how many times I've had to be kept from doing the same to myself these past five months? Thank god for the forum I've been able to post on. The only reason I'm still alive now is because I didn't want to burden anyone with my death.

So I've decided now, not that I didn't know it before, that I want all ties between us to be removed. My love for you has been smothered by pain and resentment. I wanted to be on friendly terms with you, but as long as you choose to keep her as a student that will not be possible. Being that you really don't have any contact with me now as it is, and she is one of your up and coming fencers, I know which option you find more appealing. Still, I thought you should know why it's too hard for me to continue as I have been.

We used to be best friends. We used to tell each other everything. Now you have Dave to be your friend, and I notice how you watch what you say around me because you know hearing certain things would upset me. It's all too much for me. The change from what we used to be to what we have become is just too much for me.

I still miss you, but I miss the old you. The one who actually valued my feelings. I guess that person is never going to come back. Besides, you probably wouldn't like the person I've become either. Then again, it's probably closer to how I was before I met you so who knows.

You said you never could forgive me for those things I did when we first got together. You always had that fear. Well, it really did seem you liked me better back then because it wasn't until I had given up doing all those hurtful things and really tried to start being a good companion did you tire of me.

Anyway, my venting is done...

-Marisa

His response:
Well, believe it or not, I thank you for not saying all this until after the Remenyik, since it is a very stressful weekend in my year. I actually had a pretty decent day, coming up 6 touches short of my A04 and an award at the Remenyik, and 1 touch short of an easy shot at an A04 the weekend before.

You're right, I'm short on cash, in fact, I'm still $25,000 in debt, and have $1700 in bills next week I'm not sure how to pay for. But, if that's what you think is best, I'll investigate those forms, and we can avoid all that cost, and I believe it should only cost a few hundred dollars (according to my limited memory of my sister's situation)...I'm sure somebody can loan me the money for the fees. I'll get back to you with all the details. I'm glad you're feeling more impowered in your life, and other than your problems with people at work you mentioned the other day, it sounded like things were going pretty well. I'll get back to you about the legal stuff.
-W

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 06:23 PM: Message edited by: ivoryivy ]</small>

Hm..... sounds like his response was written by a conflict avoider.

Conflict avoider: One who may or may not attempt to face reality but does so in a limited basis. All the while consoling themselves they are deal with reality. Denial and debit are their constant companions. Happiness elludes them daily.

JMHO,
L.

that's typical for him

All the more reason to go through with the D. Anything less right now will enable his conflict avoider attitude.

Funny how he has to give you a list of his troubles.... what does he expect? You to bail him out of his financial status? I mean really, after all isn't that what he has worked sooo hard to be? Broke, disrespected, a liar and a cheat? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

How are you doing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ivy, long time, no talk to! {{{{Ivy}}}} I got goosebumps reading your letter. You've changed SO much and I am so amazed at the transformation. His answer was cr*p in my opinion, so impersonal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> You deserve SO much better and you have it in you to achieve all your dreams. I really am in awe of you, Ivy.

I hope that you get to the place soon where you can be in awe of yourself, and recognize how much you've grown and changed. You are a trouper, girl and it's been a privilege to *know* you! Keep your chin up, okay? KB

I'm doing so much better than he is... I didn't want to boast over how much better off i am than I was when I was with him. My living conditions are better... I'm not a scared little girl anymore.

Last week, when I met with him he claimed that he was upset because he had to deal with some of the fallout from what happened with us and that's why he didn't win the tournament. He says half of the fencing community won't talk to him now.

I'm sorry, but it was all his doing. He got himself into that mess. I tried to try to fix things with him but oh well.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> 4 U!!!!

Hugz,
L.

KB.. thanks!
I was kind of worried that my letter would be too harsh but it really is the way I feel. Plus, my family paid $25,000. for our wedding last year. So as I see it his debt isn't really my problem and a few hundred dollars for the divorce isn't going to break him. It just means he won't be able to go out a few nights a year, or no new fencing/cycling equiptment this year. Too bad.

You know I say all of this but it still upsets me when I see her screen name sign in and out of AIM. I know I should probably delete it but it really makes me mad because one of the things her parents told me were that they were going to take away her access to that. Makes me wonder if they even bothered to supervise her class. Oh well, I guess it's not my business anymore.

but I'd be lying if I didn't still wish harm on her every night. Grrr... It still makes me angry!!! I wish her parents would move and take her to Iceland or something...