I will try to make this short. My husband is attempting not to contact the OW. He is doing this by staying out of town on business and I suppose they try not to call each other. But I realize she called him and left voice mail last week to report (tattle tail) on something I did more than a month ago. Sounds like she is trying to keep things stirred up between me and my husband. Anyway, two weeks ago he passed her in the hall at work and said hello. He tells me that he expected a flood of feelings to overcome him but it did not. But here lies my problem. When he is with me, he does not have a flood of old loving feelings either. When we talk I find that he is terribly depressed and lost. My worry here is as long as he is in this state of numbness and depression that he won't ever fall back into love with me. My counselor wants me to use plan B to shake him from this state of paralysis. The counselor says some people in my husbands position get used to the numbness and refuse to move. My husband seems so far gone that I don't think it will work. My husband is also so unbelievably stubborn that ultimatums never work. He knows he needs counseling but he still refuses to go. I deposit lots of love units but they go unnoticed because of the state that he is in. I get mixed feelings from him. One day he wants the marriage to work then the next he is confused. I think he is also worried that he can never love me again. A few days ago he told me he loved me. But he hasn't said it since. A week ago he said we would get through this but now I don't think he feels that way anymore. He wants to spend time with me to get to know me again is what he is saying but I don't want to put my heart out there just to have him leave because he refuses to make a conscious effort to save our marriage. When we are together we have a good time but he seems to be using me to fill his lonelyness. I just want him to make a commitment and go to counseling with me. We don't see each other often because he travels all week and sometimes two weeks at a time. I'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster and don't want to trust him if he is only going to walk away when all is said and done. Any ideas as to why he feels nothing towards me or the OW and how I can overcome this? Any suggestions?

Stubborness and pride ruin many a man....or woman for that matter.

Given that statement, realize that many of us have the same character type in our own homes.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Ask him what he would do if the tables were turned. It may give you some insight.

2. recommend you read His Needs/Her Needs to help you learn how to communicate with him.

3. review plan B. It maybe worth implementing while he is in this indecisive state of mind.

4. Do some phone counseling with Steve Harley. He can give you a more detailed plan.

5. check out your financial and support options.

6. don't teach or preach. Do your best plan A until you feel it is no longer effective for U (note: not the WS, but U).

7. Know that this may send him back to the OW but you already know the OW is a kook. That c/b used to your advantage. Just resist the temptation to shove his nose into it.

8. Keep up your MC. Keep posting/venting here as needed.

Hope this helps.
L.

Thank you, I have the book, will start today. How do I get in touch with Steve Harley? I've prayed until I'm blue in the face and I've cried until I'm out of tears. I just don't think I can take anymore pain.

Alexis,

I think our situations are very similar! WH has also been very indecisive and goes back and forth with what he's saying. I know he's trying to justify his A in his mind. He has never once apologized. He has no remorse whatsoever. He has also said that he doesn't know if he'll ever be in love with me again and so is afraid to even try (afraid he'll lose OW by then). WH and OW also work for the same co., so he has "seen her in passing." But that wasn't our agreement. He said he couldn't commit to our M a couple weeks ago (initially said he would try). I told him as long as he could go with NC with OW, he could stay at home. But the other night he admitted to "seeing her in passing at work" again. So he's decided to leave. I just can't take it anymore. I just don't think he can ever give me the commitment I want and need. He also refuses MC and always has (I've tried in the past). He's incredibly selfish and apparently a VERY good deceiver. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. So at this point, I think it's best that he's leaving. I think I've done all I can. I won't COMPLETELY close the door on the idea of reconciliation, but I'm really preparing myself mentally and emotionally for D. Also, I had this fear of him staying to work on our M, things eventually working out but always wondering if he still missed her, still loved her, regretted his decision, etc. I couldn't live like that. This way, hopefully the A will die a natural death. And whether our M recovers or not, that's the best thing for me. I NEED it to die. I NEED it to not end while it's still perfect and still a fantasy.

From what I've read here and in SAA, the M has NO chance of recovery if there's any contact at all with OP. That includes passing each other at work.

I hope things work out for you! Hang in there as long as you can. But like someone else mentioned, know when it's time to do Plan B for YOU. This is my version of Plan B, letting WH leave. I won't end all contact b/c of the kids. I think he's shocked that I'm so willing to let him leave. In fact, he wanted to try to stay longer (a little bit of reality finally set in and he realized how much he'll have to sacrifice financially in order to move out - no way the kids and I are going to sacrifice). But I won't let him stay. He needs to be out by this weekend....somehow. I even started looking for furnished apts for him (that's the thing - he can afford the deposit and rent but not furniture, etc.) I want him OUT.

You'll know when it's time to do Plan B for YOU. You'll feel it in your gut. Your heart will be so broken that you can't take it anymore. You'll lose love for your WH. I wanted him to leave before I end up hating him. My love for him has diminished quite a bit over the last 4 weeks. Now I need to think about ME and the kids.

I know there are a lot of people here that were able to hang in a lot longer than I have and put up with a lot more than I have, but I just can't do it anymore. I've prayed every day for strength and courage from God. I think He has now given me the strength and courage to take this next necessary step. The only way I have survived and am surviving is with my faith in God, prayer every day and antidepressants. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />