Is it normal for my BH to want to know specific details like what sex acts were performed, etc? IF so, how can this be beneficial to him?

H also wants to know how OM and I got so emotionally close and wants that same closeness with he and I but I don't trust H with my heart I guess. He has pretty well abused it in the past and I don't know that I can or want to give it to him.

Any thoughts?

Yes. The feels strongly about the need to know. What varies is the degree of wanting that knowledge.

If you are the xWS and want to help your spouse, it w/b good if you both could work this out with a good counseler. Consider doing phone counseling with Jennifer or Steve @ MB.

If you both can show you are wanting to deal with these issue together, then recovery (though bumpy) is certainly within range. Know that it c/b painful but worth the effort. Consider reading Surviving an affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr. W. Harley. Take the Emotional Needs questionnaire together.

NOTE: We BS do recover. It w/b better if we had support from the Xws. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

All the best.

L.

WakingUp, yes sometimes a BS does want to know specific details. Every person is different in the detail they want to know. That is how they heal.

And you should just tell him the truth about your feelings about emotional closeness and what you think needs to be done to change that. But he has to know the truth in order to change that.

Orchid and MelodyLane,

Thank you for responding..

WU

First, because you are here asking questions, you are demonstrating the most important attribute needed to recover from your affair - a willingness to learn. Learn all you can and you can achieve any recovery you want.

To answer your question, if somebody raped your teenage daughter - don't know if you have one - wouldn't you like to know what happened and how it happened?

Your husband has been emotionally raped.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up:
<strong>I don't trust H with my heart I guess. He has pretty well abused it in the past and I don't know that I can or want to give it to him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you want to recover with him or are you undecided?

If you are undecided, you are not emotionally ready to open your heart and you may be looking for reasons to criticize him. This is very "normal" for active WSs or WSs in withdrawal.

Exactly how did he abuse your heart in the past?

Has your husband visited this forum? If not, we strongly recommend you lead him here. He needs a different type of help than you and he main gain information about infidelity that can help him with his questions he has for you.

The early part of the recovery process, in my view, is really about the BS. You should answer any and all questions he asks.

Those questions are likely making you uncomfortable because when you answer them, you have to face your actions. You have to look them square in the face and acknowledge them.

I know that I had a lot of questions about the actual act. My wife was also uncofortable answering them. But..she did. That willingness was enough. I got to a certain point..and then decided that I didn't need to know anymore.

Be patient with him. Give him honest answers to ANY questions he asks.

I wish my WW would answer my questions...she is treating me like what she does/did with OM is none of my business. All that does is add to the misery. I highly recommend answering the questions of the BS. No recovery, whether it is with or without the WS IMO, can truly succeed, if the BS has any questions that are nagging the heart and mind. In my situation, the odds of my WS and I reconciling are low, but I still have questions that need answered.

Worthatry,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Do you want to recover with him or are you undecided?
Exactly how did he abuse your heart in the past?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to recover because I believe God's best is retoration. It's best for my kids and best for H and I. However, because we have not had a really good marriage, it will definately be a walk of faith for me. I will be putting my trust in God and not my H, because if I put it in H, we will not survive.

As far as abusing my heart, H was a controling, fearful man. He came from a home where no love was shown. He was very prideful. It was his way or the highway. He lived in his world, if my thoughts or comments did not line up with his thinking, they were not important. So eventually I quit talking, quit feeling and shut my heart of to him. He thought life was fine...

H also acknowledges everything I have just stated and says he is willing to work on the marriage. My heart has been dead to him for years, so it will take another act of God. It was an act of God that I even considered ending my A...

H does not post here. He knows nothing about computers.

WU

Dear Waking Up,

I am a BS, d-day was 8-7-04. My H had an EA (long distance) then met for one night of PA.

I ask questions, I want details, I don't know why I do, but I want to know. I told h that I can deal with what is put in front of me, but the secrets and lies are killing me.

H really does not want to talk about A, He has "put it behind him". What H does not realize is for me to heal, H has to talk to me about what happended and why it happened.

We have been in MC for 8 weeks.

I hope this helps.
BB

BS (me) 39
WS 44
marries 12 years
two kids S-11 S-9
d-day 8-7-04
NC 9-3-04 also told me whole story then
OW 36
Married with 4 kids

Dimmu-

Please don't take this wrong, but in my case I gave my heart, soul and body to OM, freely, no inhibitions. I felt I loved him totally and completely. I loved "being" with him. However, he met my emotional needs which were not sex, but because my EN's were met, sex was awesome. Would you like to know the details or believe sex was just ok?? Sex was not the main issue for me, but I understand it is a main issue for men. So IMO, asking details about sex isn't the main issue. If H wants to know ME, then ask about the other stuff, don't dwell on just the sex, it wasn't about sex...for me anyways..
Does this make sense?

BB,

I understand talking about what happened and why, it's just that with the details H has now, he runs them over and over in his head tormenting himself. Does he want me to say OM was a better lover? Would that make him feel better? Wouldn't it be better to understand why this happened and fix it instead of just wanting details?
PS, my affair lasted 6 years. It wasn't a sexual ONS, there was heart and soul involved.

WU

My wife and I ran into this same issue. She said that I should be concerned with the emotions that surrrounded the event..not with the event itself.

In truth, I care about both. We talked A LOT about how she got to that point - a lot of unmet needs, misperceptions, and miscommunication.

But it was important for me to understand a bit of how the actual event happened...and what it entailed.

It sounds to me that you are reluctant to answer these questions becuase you don't want your husband to know that you really enjoyed the sex, is that right?

One way to handle this may be to tell him what you have told of us: that you want him to understand the EMOTIONS that went into the affair.

So..offer to talk openly with him about BOTH. If he'll listen to you talk about the needs that he didn't meet - and if he'll do it without getting defensive - then you ought to be willing to answer any questions he has about the sexual part of the affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up:
Please don't take this wrong, but in my case I gave my heart, soul and body to OM, freely, no inhibitions. I felt I loved him totally and completely. I loved "being" with him. However, he met my emotional needs which were not sex, but because my EN's were met, sex was awesome. Would you like to know the details or believe sex was just ok?? Sex was not the main issue for me, but I understand it is a main issue for men. So IMO, asking details about sex isn't the main issue. If H wants to know ME, then ask about the other stuff, don't dwell on just the sex, it wasn't about sex...for me anyways..
Does this make sense?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it makes perfect sense and it is something that you need to convey to your H. Let him know that if the sex with the OM was an all consuming end all, be all, then you would still be addicted and having sex with him, but you are not, are you?

Aside from giving him the details he is asking about the sex with OM, also give him the details of the important things you were able to share with the OM that you were never able to share with him because HE would not let you without you getting put down by him for doing so. Let him know how emotionally starved you were for those long neglected EN that the OM could have been ANY man that could fog up a mirror.

Waking Up,

I didn't take what you said the wrong way. I have been trying to understand why WS's have A's. The articles here on MB help to an extent, but reading posts by WS's gives real insight to the problem.

In my case, my WW had an A, and I didn't know about MB principles, how to deal with it, etc. I became very dark, and despised my W, but loved her at the same time. She would not talk about certain things, and we got back together without a plan for marital recovery. I slowly got over the A on my own, without her support. It was not quick enough for her, and she stopped showing me any kind of compassion. This caused us to be together, but seperate. I was still in love with her, but we were at a standstill. In her mind, I was the one not showing her compassion, or meeting EN's, apparently forgetting that marriage is a two way street. She would not tell me what EN's were being me/unmet, and she stopped caring about mine a long time ago. This lack of communication led up to her having a second A.

I believe it is important for the WS to answer all questions, but the questions should be not only about the sex, but EN's as well. If it were me in your H's shoes, I would like the sex questions answered, with explanations about the EN's, and how and why it led to the sex. Maybe then, your H can examine himself, and realise the things he did wrong that contributed to the marriage situation.

These are just my opinions though.

Waking Up,

My questions for my H are not just about the PA, that was only once to "see what it was like". It is more questions about the details of their EA. I am trying to figure out H's EN that OW met, that I have not. We live states away from OW, But they talked on the phone and emailed all the time.

At this point, I am trying to get H to talk to me about the A. I was not meeting H EN of communication, H found it in OW. H is still not talking to me, not wanting to deal with the consequences of his actions that impacted my life, his, our children, and all of our families.

I question to understand, not to compare notes or replay events over and over. I asked because of I am trying to correct the mistakes that we both made in our marriage.

At this point, H is still not meeting any of my EN. I am just searching for answers, so that I don't imagine something that may or may not have happened.

I hope this helps.

Bamababy

Andrew,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
It sounds to me that you are reluctant to answer these questions becuase you don't want your husband to know that you really enjoyed the sex, is that right?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Probably. H's reaction to the A was very violent and threatening, I down played the A to keep things calm, now not sure if details are a good idea or not.

TMCM,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Yes it makes perfect sense and it is something that you need to convey to your H. Let him know that if the sex with the OM was an all consuming end all, be all, then you would still be addicted and having sex with him, but you are not, are you?

Aside from giving him the details he is asking about the sex with OM, also give him the details of the important things you were able to share with the OM that you were never able to share with him because HE would not let you without you getting put down by him for doing so. Let him know how emotionally starved you were for those long neglected EN that the OM could have been ANY man that could fog up a mirror.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, I didn't look at it that way. I think it would be better to start from the EN point of view than the sexual, maybe work my way up to details AFTER H understands more of the how and why..
Thanks

Waking, how much of the detail have you told him already?

I thought I needed to know the whole sordid story. But, when my wife - reluctantly - got to the part where the OM took her shirt off...well..I'd had enough, thank you very much.

If your husband is anything like me, he'll soon realize that he really doesn't want to know all the details.

What I told myself I had to know was the basics: was a condom used? Was the sex pretty "straight?"

That proved to be enough for me.

Again, you may want to tell H that you will give him any details he asks for, after he listens to you talk about the ENs that led to the A. But, make it clear to him that you WON'T talk to him if he makes you feel unsafe.

Bamababy,

Yes, your comments help. I know H is trying to understand. It's like I've read here on MB's that the WS puts the affair behind them when they end it, but when the BS finds out, it's new to them and we relive it...

Andrew,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Waking, how much of the detail have you told him already?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The when, where, how, etc. But he wants to know if there is anything sacred left between him and I. Anything OM and I did not do....