Has anyone on this board been to Al-anon? My counselor and a couple of other MBers have suggested that I get involved, as both my parents are "night-time" alcoholics, and it is very possible that my STBXH is developing (if he doesn't already have) a problem.

I looked up the website, and there were tons of different codes and such - speaker meetings, step speaker meetings, women's stag group, mens group, etc - I would assume I start out with the "Newcomers meeting?" Can you tell me what some of the topics address? Is it like a discussion group? What is the committment involved? I am currently in a 2Xweek counseling group, and have a variable schedule since I work in a hospital.....Just wondering if I should start now or after I end my counseling.

Any help would be appreciated, and thank you!

I went to a few meetings YEARS ago with some of my sisters, and with my mom (my dad is the alcoholic). I was very offended at them PUSHING God. To me, my religion is a very personal choice, and I didn't find the meetings too helpful. I did, however, go to a few ACOA meetings with a sister of mine, and it was more like group counseling. ACOA is Adult Children of Alcoholics. I heard about these meetings when I saw Suzanne Sommers on a talk show. She really promoted ACOA. They usually have Al-Anon meetings, as well as ACOA meetings through churches. Good luck either way!

CC

Hi, I’m Thos. I started going to an all men’s Al Anon meeting last spring. It was recommended by a work colleague. He told me of his FWW who also was involved with drugs and alcohol during the A. He said the meetings helped save his life and his M after he got so angry once he struck her.

He mentioned that about 90% of the men at this particular meeting were also dealing (or had been) with their wife’s or their own A’s. He suggested I start going with him because it was a good place just to talk some of it out.

My FFW, S_, did not get involved with alcohol or drugs but she was classically addicted to food, work and her OM. Her LTA lasted 10 years and the way it acted out and persisted is exactly as the Harleys describe A’s as an addiction. So I figured it wouldn’t hurt to check out the meeting.

I also have a family history of alcoholism (mother, three brothers, most of my uncles, grandfather, cousins…it’s the Irish curse, I suppose). I went to some of one of my brother’s AA open meetings with him while he was in treatment but did not participate. Alcoholism is something I grew up with and never really addressed.

My mom and one brother are still drinking and this has been a source of conflict among us siblings for many years. It is how I learned conflict avoidance and enabling behaviors in the first place. As child I learned to keep my head down. Never arguer with an addict: drug, alcohol or relationship. Guess there is a correlation with the length of FWW’s A, huh. During the A, FWW acted like my mom more than I realized. Just a different addiction. I needed the right tools to help myself. And I found some of them in Al Anon.

I am glad I started going to these meetings. I am learning techniques for dealing with conflict, how to lovingly detach, and how to stop my enabling behaviors. And it just feels good to be with other men who do not look upon me as the cuckolded fool. During the worst of the fog, it helped to have someplace to go and talk things through. They had all heard the same things. They helped me see through the fog and to recognize the patterns.

No one there has ever pushed any kind of religion on anyone. In fact, not doing so is a rule. So I don’t know about Buttercup’s meetings. Further, a motto is, “Take what you need and leave the rest”. As part of the 12 steps there is a professed hope the individual will rely on their higher power, however that is internalized, to help them improve themselves. But no one ever “pushes God”.

As an asside, the other place both S_ and I received a lot of help was in Retrouvaille . More than anywhere else, we learned how to communicate and validate each other’s feelings. RV more than anything else got us through the worst of the withdrawal and early reconciliation. At the end of the RV program I was no longer so afraid to have S_ move back home and try rebuilding. In fact, we mark the start of our recoverey when we started RV.

T

Hi LIT,

I went to Al-anon years ago (my dad died of alcoholism) and it was one of the best things I did back then.

The commitment is only as much as you want or need it to be.

Alchoholism is such a complex, devastating disease that affects everyone in the family, and any understanding that you take from the meetings will be of benefit to you.

It gave me the knowledge to be able to cope, to understand, to accept and to detach. In fact it opened a door to me which I didn't know was there and without Al-anon, probably would not have found.

It is not affiliated with any churches or religion, as Thos says not pushing religion is a rule.

I probably wouldn't wait until after your counseling is over to atleast attend a meeting.

Give it a go LIT, what have you got to lose.

I wish Melodylane was posting right now, she is very involved in AA and Al-anon and could give you much more info.

It has been so many years since I was involved in it that I can't really remember any of the details, except that I know it helped me in many ways.

Here is a link which I think explains the disease really well.

http://www.lsba.org/lap/the_disease_of_alcoholism.html

And another link of a paper written by a young Canadian boy, which I think is also very good.

http://www.chrcrm.org/programs_yhaa_2_00.htm

Hi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have recently started going to some Al-Anon meetings. I'm SO GLAD I decided to try it. I was very reluctant at first, mainly because of misconceptions about it, and feeling like *I* didn't need it. My sister is an alcoholic, and even though has recently gotten sober (so I think, anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), the affects from the last 12 years, and the changes we're going through now were really hard to handle.

In addition to learning how to deal with alcoholics and the disease, you learn how to deal with other people and problems too, especially if you tend to be codependant.

The meetings I attend are very non-intimidating (is that a word? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ), and the people are great. My first meeting or 2, I didn't talk much - just listened and observed, and heard some things that REALLY helped.

Like weaver said, the commitment level is up to you. Take what you like, leave the rest. I don't go every week, but you might find you want to go to every meeting you can. I learn something every time I go, just like I do reading and posting here.

Some of the principles I've learned in Al-Anon... I WISH I had understood better when I was dealing with my ex-WS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hope that helps. Good luck!

Faith1

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 07:44 AM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

Hi LIT!

I've been going to Al-anon for over a year now and find it very, very helpful.

A Newcomers meeting would be a great place to start although any Al-anon meeting welcomes newcomers. The weekly meeting I attend is a discussion meeting. The meeting starts off with the serenity prayer, reading 12 steps, reading 12 traditions, reading thought for the day in the Al-anon book. Then discussions take place on whatever topic(s) the individuals attending the meeting need to discuss...like anger, resentment, confusion, enabling, detachment, 12 steps, etc. It's like posting out here on MB. You feel relieved to know that others have experienced the same feelings, etc., while living/dealing with an alcoholic spouse or relative. It's helps you to become stronger and get you out of your codependent mode.

I went to IC and Al-Anon for about 9 months and now just continue going to Al-Anon.

If you have any other questions, just let me know.

Take care.

sss

Thank you all so very much for your replies. Between the 3 boards where this was posted, I received a LOT of great feedback! I had no idea this disease affected so many people.....

I have realized that I could probably benefit, as my father is a controlling-type alcoholic, and my mother is a subservient-type alcoholic. Those are the exact roles my H and I fell into when alcohol became such a huge part of our social lives. Coincidence? I think not.

I have long had a codependency problem - since I was very young, and identified it before college. I was fairly strong until I believed my H to have had an A when we were engaged. I now have learned that I need to consistently monitor myself on that front, and never let my guard down.

Buttercup - the ACOA meetings here are actually listed on our city's Al-Anon meetings, so it appears as though I can try both in the area. Thanks for your viewpoint.

Thos - thank you also for your points. Not only are my parents alcoholics, but it would appear my H is well on his way. I would have loved to try Retroveille, but my H was not interested in those types of recovery activities. I am pretty certain we will get Ded, but I at least can recover and work on myself.

Weaver - as always, thank you.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It gave me the knowledge to be able to cope, to understand, to accept and to detach. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never knew how to detach until now.....and I would like to ensure that I am doing it in a healthy way. I sometimes fear I will just remain detached from everybody. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Faith - I will take the plunge like you. I spoke to my brother about it yesterday, and he kind of balked at the idea. But I realize while he may not think he needs it, I believe I could benefit. So I will give it a whirl!

SSS - Thanks for letting me know what the discussion group entails....Now I have a better idea of what all the different meetings mean! I have been in IC for the past year and a half (wow - that's a while!), and have been thinking of going less to that and involving myself in some other groups. This looks like it might be a good fit since I seem to have a pattern of codependency in my LTR's.

Thank you all again!

Not all Al-anon meetings are created equal.

I've been to some that were not helpful ..

and

I have been to some that were jaw-dropping in their eloquence and spiritual relevence.

Shop around for awhile and sooner or later, you'll find a meeting that feels like "home" ... in a good way! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep