Hi,

This is my first post,although I discovered MB about a month ago.

I discovered H was having A (PA & EA) 8-7-04. I had suspected it for a few months, I just had the 'gut" feeling. Everytime I questioned H, H made me feel like I was crazy for asking. We have been married for 12 years, he is in the military, so he has been deployed on and off our whole marriage. (About 5 years)

When I questioned him on the d day, h first said that OW was just a friend (that h had called three times that day from our house) I discovered a new calling card that h got in May, 2 days before my major surgery, that h had used 4200 minutes in 3 months. We live states away from Ow, they met on a business trip in march and exchanged emails, you know where it goes from there. needless to stay 4 weeks later h is out of town and drives 4 hours to see ow in a parking lot for a few hours. H does this again the week before my surgery.

Three weeks later, h drives me to my parents to for a week of vacation with them and the next week with h family. H goes on a business trip, 4 days later, h tells me the work part is over, but h is staying for some site seeing for 2 more days. meanwhile his w and kids are at the beach waiting on h, as well as h family.

I started seeing more strange things the next few weeks, h wanting to take the daughter to swim team, (there are pay phones there). one time my son and I watch h on the phone, this man never talks on the phone. I tell my son, let's play a trick on daddy and sneak up on h. H turns around a few minutes later and sees us, then says I was just calling you at the house.

h wants me to go visit friends/family etc. On the day I found out, he basically pushed me out of the house. When I got home, sooner than h thought, h was outside on the phone, when I questioned h, h was acting strange, so I checked the call log and discovered a number, looked up the area code, called the number and got OW cell phone.

I told h I wanted h out of the house,I knew from the look on h face it was much more than a friend to talk too. I made h call his parents and tell them, h kept saying, I'm not having an affair.
h was going out of town on business the next day, I told h to find somewhere else to live when he got back. I told h NC with ow, h agreed, you believe that right?

The next morning h told our kids that he had not been a good h to me and h needed to go talk to someone to found out how, h told them he would not be staying here when he got home.

I called Ow until she called me back. I told her to leave my h alone, I also gave her 3 days to tell owh or I would do it for her.

We started seeing a MC two weeks later with H still saying that they had not seen each other. I kept digging, finding more and more, until one day jackpot. guess who I called again? Ow, H was out of town and could not be reached. I told ow I knew, ow denied everything. Ow just happened to be across the country at a conference the same time as H was, remember the extra days? Ow said that she had not slept with my h, but slipped up again. the next day, I called OWH. We compared notes, then ow told owh everything.

MS suggested that H move back home so we could talk and work on our marriage.

H was out of town again, my phone just was not working when h called, h had no email, so h was freaking out. H could not get me. H came home on Friday and told me everything, not knowing that I knew.

oW sent h a NC letter that day, h told me.(2 days later h gave me a copy) After h told me the story I told him I knew. Plan A H and OW have had NC since. (I do believe him) I have also read Surviving An Affair, which was very helpful

We have been going to a MS for 8 weeks now,I have good days and bad days. our MS thinks that h is not trying hard enough. I have been taking care of everything for years, so it has been easy for h to emotionally check out.

My questions is, now that you know the whole long story, how do I let h do more work in the relationship? My MS told me the other day in my session that h has not decided if he wants to be married to me or not.(fog) Verbally h is right here, but h actions are saying something different. MS told me to start living my life as if h was deployed and never came home. MS not suggesting dating or A, but for me to decided what I would do with my life. I have stayed at home with the kids for the last 11 years.

H out of town again this week, I told h before he left that I needed to see how he felt about me or I was taking the kids and walking, I feel like I am doing all the work.

H told me tonight on the phone that he thought about me all day today. I asked H what about, h said that it is the right thing to do. ????

At this point I don't know if h wants to be married or trying to do the "right" thing, h keeps telling me that he is not going anywhere.

I am so confused, any advice?

Sorry this is a book, but I wanted you to know the details, I am sure that I left some out.
Thanks!

Bs (me) 39
ws 44
married, 12 yrs
d-11, s-9
met ow 3-21-04 EA
PA 7-16-04, one time,to see what it was like
d-day 8-7-04
real truth 9-3-04 NC
ow 36
owh 36
ow 4 kids ages 8 months to 8 yrs

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: bamababy ]</small>

Hello bamababy...

I guess I will be the first to say welcome. I'm so sorry for your situation that finally brought you here. Although, you couldn't find a better place to go.

All these situations are confusing when they begin to unfold. Read all you can here at this site. It will help you make a plan.

Sounds like you are in Plan A.

Is you WH living at home now? Or has he found somewhere else to live. Easier to Plan A if they are around.

Sounds like you have a good MC. They can really be helpful, if they are pro-marriage.

Discover what your boundaries are, and enforce them. Sometimes this is very hard to do, when faced with so much confusion about your situation.

Luckily, you discovered the A early. Hopefully, that will make things work easier for you. My WH's A lasted for 3 years before I found out, and has continued for 5 months since. Very hard to break that one up.

Keep your chin up, and work on you. Your kids need you strong right now. They are also confused.

Keep posting here. Others will chime in sooner or later.

K

Thanks for the reply, I need all the support I can get at this point.

MC advised us that H should move back home 2 weeks after we starting our MC. MC said that we could not work on our M unless h was home. So h has been living here since 9-1-04. H has been traveling some still, but now gives me his flight numbers, when he flies and hotel numbers. H had stopped doing that this spring. H has not been north anymore so I know that h has not seen OW.

I am just confused with all of this. One day I think that it is going to work out, the next I think, "What the he%% am I doing with you."

We have had some very hard talks, I am a strong person who has learned to ask some tuff questions. If I get a vage answer, I ask the question again. At this point some answers from h are, "I don't remember what we talked about for 70 hours over the last 5 months." I don't buy that one.

How do I get h to talk? I know that h is scared at this point, we both are. H told MC that he got communication from OW, yet he will sit for hours w/o a word to me. I have to be the one to start a conversation.

Like I said before, MC thinks that I am doing too much work. MC is great, holds H accountable for his actions, MC is pro-marriage, but prepared me the other day for the worst.

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: bamababy ]</small>