I hope you are well
really well


ark

and since you asked how I am...
(though you really didn't ask...)

I am well...
I am eating chocolate because it tis the season...

and mr.ark keeps giving me dirty looks because I told and convinced my three year old that the new Austrailian Cattle Dog puppy we got is really a kangaroo....

and he believes that now and keeps calling the pup a kangaroo.......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

so incase anyone wondered...when I am not posting here...I am simply off entertaining myself elsewhere....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ark I am so thrilled about your Kangaroo.

Amazingly our dog has morphed into a dragon!!

Last week it was a donkey.

SHREK rules, now off I go to practice tight rope walkin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> aka cross the yard to hang out the washing.

Coffee on the brew & froze some delicious chocolate bars last night mmmmmm

Thanks Ark

bumping up

(thanks ktulu... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

ark

Ark

Perfect timing.....sorry i have not been posting...just lurking....

Things have changed but i still feel like im on a rollercoaster. here are some facts.

- ww says she wants to commit to m and r
- she is willing to NC but nothing was formely sent
- we change phone numbers on both house and cells
- she stops hiding her cell as before.
- lots of SF
- together time is often
- we start MC together
- we start going to berevement group together
- generaly happier household....

BUT

There are times when i think that C is still happening. I still suspect another cell phone. it seems that she is still peeking around corners and looking to see where i am at given times. She is still exhibiting some of the fog like behvior. This could just be me and my worrying. We have had several blowouts over triggers and issues surrounding continued contact and the A. My gut is telling me that something is not right....

i am once again lost and confused. I try to look at the positives and they get overshadowed by the suspicions.

i dont know how i can continue to function in this uncertainty. im not sure if this is me causing this problem or not.

do i still plan A?
do i pull back and detach?
do i continue with a happier approach and constantly look over my shoulder?
do i sit back and not talk about the A and ignore the signs of continued C?

justa....

all those things on the list...are they in future...or have they started...if they have started...

AWESOME....

here's my thing on no contact...
While I understand the letter part...it's not the paper it's the ACTION of no contact...

if you focus too much on the negative....justa...it stands the risk of becoming overwhelming and hopeless for her...

and again...
I don't think the OM was "all that and a bag of chips" to your wife...
sounded too much like loser guy...
I think he was an escape and excuse for her pain....

when you want honesty and truth...you gotta keep up your end of the bargain of creating a safe environment for her to share her scary thoughts feelings etc....

and know that human nature usually has us test out the "not so bad" first...to see how that is handled before dropping the motherload.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

justa change your language about no contact...
speak your pain...but reach out with understanding on how it is hard on her...

when in an affair.....a whole universe is created to justify and rationalize it...thoughts and things are grasped on to tightly.....
and they are difficult to let go...

the mantra that all others were bad and wrong and the infidels are just misunderstood not meaning to really hurt people....is deep....

the 'fog' that remains is most likely her need to still to be able to justify her own actions or behavior...and perhaps a good self protection measure....

for surely it is just as difficult when the WS decides that they are the root of all evil and bad in the world...for that would be overwhelming helplessness as well......

be kind justa
be patient....

you have worked really hard at this...and even if they don't work out...you will be OK...
but my gut all along has said that this is not about some OP...it is your wife's own demons she has run from...
and she will need lots of support facing them..

AND if you have started the things on the list above....
man there are BS here that would give anything for one of those listed....

Grace to you and yours...

ARK

all of the list are things that are currently happening.

I truly want to help her in her pain. The other night she started crying and saying that she is sorry. She kept repeating the word Sorry. I just told her i was sorry for helping to contribute to the enviormnment.

She says that she doesnt want to go back to the way things were during the A. She says she has no need to talk to OM and that all she wants is for me to keep talking to her and she is oddly asking for more SF. This is unlike her and i think she is doing it becaseu she thinks i want to.

my problem is that she is not exhibiting the signs of withdrwal...at least i dont see it. When we talk about the A and oM she says she doesnt miss it and dosent want it.

Im just not sure what to think.....Is it me and my own insecurity?

i have many questions as i feel stuck inbetween planA-withdrwal-and recovery.

^bump