HI

Me and my W hit bottom about 5 weeks ago. She has started a so called friendship with another man buy denies that it' anything more. She has also gotten obsessed with cycling and spends all her spare time with this so called friend cycling.

I've been battling to get her so far as to start rebuilding our relationship but she said she's over and done with me and only wants to get on with her life. I know that I have a big part in our marriage breakdown but can't understand her not wanting to try and work on the marriage.

She has told me today that she's giving me till the end of December before she starts divorce proceedings. SHe really does not see the need for this but seems to humour me. So, I have about 40 days for plan A and then I'll probably have to go over to plan B just before Christmas. Swell time of the year for that isn't it. My heart is just breaking for our two kids.

Gustav

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H (38) me, W (29)
Boy (4), Girl (2)
Married 5 years
Friends for 4 years before getting married.

Hi Gustav,
Not really great at the advice stuff. But I wanted you to know about my story.
My M was also in a bad place due to both of us. H had an A and over the past year has told me he want out a number of times. Whe I cried screamed or tried to reason with him it all failed.
I was only successful when I became the person he wanted me to be. I became calm, focused and positive. I told him that I new the best thing for all of us was to remain united and I would do anything to accomplish that. I would not discuss anything about R cos those conversations never went well. He tried to bait me into the old arguements of blame etc. I calmly told him I was sorry he felt like that. Irefused to argue with him and I told myself when he is out of the fog he won't feel like that. He was sure the OW loved him unconditionally and that I couldn't.

The last 6 weeks have been a turning point for me. It took me to put away my sadness and my pain and try to make my H happy and I found then he could makle me happy.

I wonder if any of this makes any sense for you. Let me know.

S

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Gustav Kamfer:
<strong> HI

She has told me today that she's giving me till the end of December before she starts divorce proceedings. SHe really does not see the need for this but seems to humour me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gustav- I'm curious- what is she "giving you"
til the end of December? Did she say that she was going to make any effort in the R or go to MC-or was she simply saying that she was going to wait out this time period and then file? I assume she is going to continue cycling- or was that discussed?

Hi Sadfww

I think she meant she will just wait out the time and then file fr divorce. Last night when I came back from church she confronted me and said she cant wait out the time. I then agreed that I wont contest the divorce if she at least give me a chance to try and save our marriage. She tentatively agreed to try R but not to get MC. This is a problem.

She will continue cycling but I will try to be more actively involved in our cycling, even if I only get a chance to drive the backup vehicle.

Gustav

Go for it Gustav. Cycling is Great. My whole family cycles. There is nothing nicer than to go out on a long ride/race on a weekend with your whole family.

Cycling is funny, you get addicted to it. Don't let your wife slip away from you just because she is at the stage where she wants to cycle all the time (and meet other men). Join her if you possibly can. And yes, do back-up if you cant cycle.

Try and get more involved with cycling, even just to keep your wife.

Wow, I nearly messed up my marriage. Fight for what you want Gustav. If possible, don't give up on your marriage.

Good luck!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Gustav Kamfer:
<strong> Hi Sadfww

I think she meant she will just wait out the time and then file fr divorce. Last night when I came back from church she confronted me and said she cant wait out the time. I then agreed that I wont contest the divorce if she at least give me a chance to try and save our marriage. She tentatively agreed to try R but not to get MC. This is a problem.

She will continue cycling but I will try to be more actively involved in our cycling, even if I only get a chance to drive the backup vehicle.

Gustav </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep plan A'ing- and do join her cycling! At the very least it will keep her from having that much time alone with this other man. Perhaps if she sees you making this effort she would be more receptive to MC? My prayers are with you and your family.

Gustav, I think what is happening here is that she is having as affair and that is why she wants to end the marriage. She is under the spell of an infatuation. You can break that fantasy spell if you focus on 2 areas. You do have a chance to save your marriage if you do a few things:

1. Plan A

2. Expose the affair

In order to expose the affair, you need to find out what is really going on. I would suggest tapping your phone, putting spyware on your computer or even hiring a P.I. to find out what is going on. When you have the facts, you can confront her with them and expose the affair. Exposure is often enough ammunition to end the affair.

Do the best Plan A you can. Read everything you can on this site to learn about emotional needs. Find out what her emotional needs are and do your best to meet them. Don't do any lovebusting.

A real good book that you should get ASAP is Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. You can get it in bookstores or on this website. And you might want to also consider calling the Harley's for counseling. They are well worth the money and can often do in a few short sessions what others can never do. They are very pro-marriage and will not waste your time or money.

Hi there

She hass been confronted by me and numerous persons and she still maintains that she doesn't have an affair.
At the moment I'm broke and do not really have money for a PI.
I have ordered the book, His needs, Her needs and are waiting for delivery.

We live in South Africa and it will be very costly to do MC over the phone to the USA.

I'm trying to stay as calm as possible in order not to alianate her, but it is difficult, especially when I look at my two small children.

I am more relaxed now as I feel that this is God's way of testing me and I know he will help me survive this.

Gustav

What other way besides a P.I. could you spy on her? How does she communicate with OM?

HI MelodyLane

I actually contacted a PI and he told me it's not worth wasting my money. I have all her cellphone bills with his number she called.
She still refuse to aknowledge that she's having an affair.

I am now at a stage where I'm taking it day by day.

Gustav