Things are fine with my H- in fact getting better every day, but I am emotionally falling apart.

I had a bout of severe anxiety and depression- in fact the bout lasted from 1996-2000 before I got on the right medication. I have been pretty much symptom free since then with the exception of one *relapse* when I went of meds when trying to conceive my son.

I have been regripped with anxiety, dark thoughts and sadness the last few days. My dreams are plagued with *nightmares* of my A's- I see the OM reappearing in my life and myself making WRONG choices- which in REALITY would never happen. What is wrong with me? Why am I suddenly so emotionally wrecked? I am in tears here at work as I write this...need to stop.

Sorry- I know you all are not IC, but thought perhaps someone could give me some insight so I could get a grip on myself.

I can offer a hug. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

{{{{{{{{{{SADFWW}}}}}}}}}}

What about meds, are you still on some? Can you make a quick call to your doc?

I of course eat chocolate when I am down, would that work? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Not much help am I, sorry.

KY

Hi Sadfww,

I don't really have any insight other than we all get down from time to time.

I suspect that part of your anxiety is the fact that you are having nightmares about A's and you are worried about how your H would react if you "knew"...

I think that it would really help if you talk this over with your H. Let him know that you are committed to him. Let him know that you love him... and then let him know that you need HIS help to get you through this time.

I know that I'd be flattered if my W were having this problem and came to me for help.... We guys like to play the knight in shining armor and this sounds like a great opportunity for him.

Your H is your helper... give him a chance to help you.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kyellow4:
<strong> I can offer a hug. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

{{{{{{{{{{SADFWW}}}}}}}}}}

What about meds, are you still on some? Can you make a quick call to your doc?

I of course eat chocolate when I am down, would that work? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Not much help am I, sorry.

KY </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KY- thanks. Yes, I am still on meds and intend to be on them for well...as long as I need them! I could call my psych. and request ativan or something along those lines. Trying not to though. Can't do chocolate as I'm low-carbing...but will think of something! Perhaps a bath tonight.

Thanks for the hugs!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Rebuilding in Faith 90:
<strong> Hi Sadfww,

I don't really have any insight other than we all get down from time to time.

I suspect that part of your anxiety is the fact that you are having nightmares about A's and you are worried about how your H would react if you "knew"...

I think that it would really help if you talk this over with your H. Let him know that you are committed to him. Let him know that you love him... and then let him know that you need HIS help to get you through this time.

I know that I'd be flattered if my W were having this problem and came to me for help.... We guys like to play the knight in shining armor and this sounds like a great opportunity for him.

Your H is your helper... give him a chance to help you.

Semper Fi,
RIF90 </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">RIF- if I thought my H would react that way, I would tell him...but I honestly think it would hurt more then help. Our marriage is too fragile right now for him to take any more of my *mental* issues that he had to deal with a few years ago...I know that was incredibly difficult for him, and as we are finally getting to a *good* place in our M I don't want to throw us backwards. Thank you though...I will consider it.

Hi, Sadfww. You are allowed to be sad. THere is nothing wrong with it. It is normal.

From my own experinece: I have battled depression as well. It took YEARS to recognize it. I was too busy dealing with one catastrophe after another. I never took time to deal with things. I didn't take care of my needs. It got so bad that I could barely function. I wanted to sleep all day and was up all night. Sound a little bit familiar?

IMVHO you are engaged in a huge battle with all of your emotions in overload; guilt, fear, remorse, love, hate, sadness, anxiety. It is a storm. A rollercoaster.

You have been focussing on your marriage. Oh and let's not forget you have a job, and all the other stresses of a "normal" life. So, of course you can be sad. A moment of quiet, and your thoughts naturally replay thoughts and feelings. You are grieving. As FaithinMe told be: Take a breath.

Just step back and when you are ready, look at each emotion and what you have accomplished one by one. I am sure you are trying your best, right? So don't second guess yourself. Look at your sadness, anxiety, etc. You will see you are dealing as best as you can under the circumstances.

Are you in IC? Are you taking any ADs? If yes to both, then do somethng just for you. I keep saying that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, when you are in the middle of a crisis, sometimes the best things you can do are for yourself. You are worth it!

Thoughts and Prayers

BS 53
WH 43

SadWW-When a person gets really depressed at a time in their lives, they are always bound to get depressed from time to time. By little things, that should not affect the average carefree person. Little things, conversations,something you read, will trigger you to get depressed.
Maybe even reading some of the posts here. I am sure some affect you more than others. My husband gets really distressed some times reading here. I have been bothered a lot by some here, and get angry and sad, but I have never suffered from deep depression.
I think you are a very good woman, that is completely consumed with guilt of the past. That happened many years ago, and you should put it behind you. You are lucky that it happened so long ago. Some of us here have all these wounds fresh and bleeding still.
You dont need to be taking so many anti-depressants, they are only bandaids that dont work in the long run. You need to really examine what really bothers you and bring out of your system once and for all.
Your husband and your little kids need you to be strong and well!
Take care!
MYRTA

{{{sadFWW}}}

Depression: Its a disease like malaria folks that are never fully free from, but that can be controlled.

Its not weakness , its a disease. Don;t beat yourself up for suffering a lasting symptom of a disease.

Just examine the triggers for happiness and fear in yoru life. I'll bet you have almost NO real fear trigers and LOTS of happiness ones.
Content in that FACT, you can view the 'feeling' of sadness and impending doom as symptoms of a disease THAT WON'T KILL YOU and WILL DISSIPATE SOON.

Apart from that, all i can do is send you a vritual hug, and tell you that ther e are never less than about 20 MBers are praying for you and sending you all good wishes.

Look I'll send a Maple leaf photo for you to laugh at if it helps ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

{{{SadFWW}}}

Dear Sadfww, I just want to empathize with you and let you know there is someone who understands what you're going through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I struggled with severe depression and anxiety myself. I used AD's and stop using it after 8 months, but the depression and anxiety returned. I went back on medication and use it chronically now. Maybe you must contact your doctor and make sure if your current medication is still okay for you. Or maybe you need to use something extra (like a tranquilizer) for some time.

Anyway, I also want to confirm what Bob have said:

<strong>Depression: Its a disease like malaria folks that are never fully free from, but that can be controlled.

Its not weakness , its a disease. Don;t beat yourself up for suffering a lasting symptom of a disease.</strong>

Prayers to you,
Suzet

sadfww...

you must seek prayer.....

you must turn those thoughts away by just asking for God's peace to enter you....

anywhere you are...

seek solitude...for thirty seconds....a minute...

when these feelings come....replace them with the gift of Grace.....

It's hard to start ....
hard to get going....

but it WILL ground you and will replenish you...

seek out some books or readings on the Saints...and I say this to you inspite of your religious choice...I offer their stories of inspiration regardless of religious belief in the sense that they offer great hope to all of us that are hurting....For they sufferred greatly as well....

fww you have made peace with those you believe you have hurt...now make peace for yourself...
for it is your time to do so...

the negative feelings you are experiencing...is that higher power calling you towards it....

ask for mercy
recieve Grace


I'm usually not so inclined to sound so preachy...fww...
but your post has me scurrying through my favorite inspirational books on Saints...and proverbs....
and the only ones jumping out are for you to be ready to accept who you are today...
and seek prayer

not who you were...

send your thoughts forward not back....

be still...and know who you are...

I believe you are getting a wake up call...
as the Beatles sang..

GET BACK TO WHERE YOU ONCE BELONGED...

ARK

I use visualization in my own life... It works for me.

Visualize the fears and anxieties as a bad wind, you "sniff" it in the air, and you do not inhale. You blow out and push the bad air away from you.

Then you deal with "what is" instead of "what if".

This is what got me through the worst of the worst when our son was in and out of mental hospitals.

Pep

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 09:41 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Sad,

I agree with RIF, seek help from your H. The others are probably right, that it is a transient thing right now, but how about asking your H for a hug, or to just hold you while you do something like watch TV.

I suspect the thoughts of the A are the result of the depression and not the cause of it. So seek some comfort with your H and yes see your Doc. The body chemistry does change and it may be time for you to change meds or the dose or something else.

RIF is right your H is there to help you but he cannot if he doesn't know what the problem is. He is not inside your head. Ask for the support you need.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you very much for the support.

Fightingalone-again..thank you so much for the encouragment. Yes, I am on AD's- I was in IC a couple of years ago but haven't needed it recently. If this funk hangs on I will schedule an appointment with my pscyh. Hopefully this weekend will give me a bit of downtime- this week has been crazy which may be adding to my *issues.* Thanks again.

Thanks Myrta. I think in truth that some of the nightmares etc that I have been having are caused in part by my reading/posting here. I never really examined what I did at the time- I just tried toshove it away in a dark corner of my mind. So...in some ways having to revisit this issue is really the FIRST time I've gone through this....Amazingly, none of the IC's I've seen (3) have ever encouraged me to delve into this- even though they all knew.

Bob Pure and Suzet- thank you for your empathy. I do know that there are chemical reasons for this- and I also do know that anxiety/depression runs in my family (oh joy!) That does help. I just would like to be able to control this and not have to jump into these valleys....the anxiety I had today was about the worst I've had in 3 years. I have hardly eaten in 2 days b/c I was so filled with it. I'm a bit better this pm- thanks in part to all of the encouragement I have found here.

ark- thank you for your post. It really touched me- and I think that you are right. One thing I have been working on a lot this year is my personal relationship with God- and my struggles to let go and to let him guide me. Funnily enough, right after I read your post earlier- this appeared in my mail box from a friend who did NOT know that I am struggling right now...I found it amazing that it showed up right then:

Psalm 55:22

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee:
He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."

My instructions were to pick four people that I wanted God to bless, especially for the remaining months in 2004, and I picked you. Please pass
this to four people you want to be blessed and a copy back to me.

This prayer is powerful and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards, let's continue to pray for one another. Here is the prayer:

Father, I ask You to bless my children, grandchildren, friends, relatives and email friends reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very
moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self doubt, release a renewed confidence through Your grace, In Jesus'
precious name. Amen."

Thanks again ark

Pep- visualization is good. I'm working on doing deep breathing too. I'm sorry to hear about the struggles your son had- I don't know the story but I hope it has a happy ending.

JL...thank you. I will ask for support, but probably not go into the reasons right now. Trust me, I know my H and that would not be helpful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I do long for him to hold me- and ask for it on occasion, but I hate to push him. He still is not spontaneously affectionate. Maybe someday.

Thanks all. What good people you are.

sadfww,

I haven't read all the posts in this thread, and don't know if anyone already said this. Having battled with depression for years myself, and having done the low-carb thing, I want to tell you that I read a blurb in a magazine recently (sorry, can't remember which one) about a study which found that sometime people with depression get more depressed when they cut out carbs.

Even without a history of depression, cutting out carbs can make a person feel ill. In Dr. Atkin's book, he even said that if you feel ill, add some carbs back to your diet. Maybe you need to see a general practitioner and make sure you're physically healthy, getting enough vitamins, etc.

Just a thought.

Also, don't feel guilty about what you dream in your sleep. That's not something you can control.

Hang in there, and God bless,

Rose

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Rose55:
In Dr. Atkin's book, he even said that if you feel ill, add some carbs back to your diet.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you mean she should add more CheneyAshcroftRumsfeldBush to her diet?

Ooops, wrong diet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Sadfww all kidding aside, I beleive that it would do you good for you and your H to go to a comedy club and laugh both of your brains out. Laughter is serious medicine.

Sad,

I just read all the responses on here, wow MB really is a great place!

One thing I do that really cheers me up and relieves stress is get on my treadmill with the sterio turned up loud, with ACDC, Aerosmith, Kid Rock and now Eminem (he's such an angry young fella, he cheers me up sometimes).

Laughter, oh yes! ...and praying always brings me peace.

I try to visualize but it takes so much discipline I am only succesfull occasionally so I personally need to work on that.

You are such a nice person sadfww, (and I personally am waiting for you to change your alias to something like "peace" or some other such thing. Get that "sad" word right out of the there. Hey how about "serena FKA sad" ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

weaver...

I have decided that ACDC's song..

YOU SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG

is the ULTIMATE rock-n-roll song..
hands down...

If I'm at a wedding and even if I am waiting in line at the bar...or at the COOKIE table!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I drop everything to go dance to that one...
(tacky ofcourse)...

INFACT if 2long or WAT ever needed to explain what rock-n-roll is to an alien...

just play them that...

has it all!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

She was a fast machine
She kept her motor clean
She was the best damn woman I had ever seen
She had the sightless eyes
Telling me no lies
Knockin' me out with those American thighs
Taking more than her share
Had me fighting for air
She told me to come but I was already there

'Cause the walls start shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
And we were makin it and you -

Shook me all night long
Yeah you shook me all night long

Yep ! Great song ! * nods head and taps foot! *

ACDC always cheer me up til the silly "devil" lyrics spoil the fun !

* plays air guitar! *

sadFWW you're in more trouble than you thought - old rockers are giving you advice ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

{{{{sadFWW}}}

ROCK ON!!!

SadFWW:

I have a daughter who developed Panic-anxiety for no obvious reason. Eventually she also had depression--- as you know depression and anxiety go hand in hand.

There are many depressed people who can clearly relate the symptoms to a catastrophic event in their lives and once that is resolved the depression goes away. However, there are many for whom the depression cannot be clearly related to a specific event and they may need to take medication. Myrta is correct------- once you have been severely depressed you can always have recurrence of symptoms with a mild negative event. In other words, once you punch a hole thru the wall it is not as strong as it used to be.

I was very depressed after D-day, but I am almost 100%. I can tell you that I rather have a broken leg than to be depressed. Unfortunately many in our society underestimate how bad it feels to be depressed. My wife Myrta is a lucky woman and has never experienced depression, she is lucky.

In ant event, don't feel bad. Your symptoms may not be related to OM. You may be like my daughter and she never had any obstacles in her life. Hang in there-------- it will get better!

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>