Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I reread some of my posts and I sound like a lunatic. some I'm so sad so distraught, some I becoming confident and my self esteem is great, some I'm angry and very mad. This is the rollercoaster! I'm strong, I'm weak. Up & down

Now I'm worried. H is out of town on business, he left feeling depressed and worried about an illness. I remember the doctor saying to me over the phone, 3 or 4 months ago, that H's symptons maybe physco symatic.

I think he has more to tell me. Maybe after getting this off his back, he'll feel better and we can try to recover? I was so sure he was over this and it was me who couldn't get past the betrayal. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me? Maybe he really has a terrible STD (and I'm in denial) and this is what's making him feel depressed?
Do you think it's his tell tale heart? Do you think it's my mind & gut playing tricks on me? Do you think he does have a STD?

Re

Received a call from H this afternoon. Sounded very sad..said he was in pain. Kept saying how much he loved me and how he can't believe this is happening to him.

I suggested calling dr for some pain medication and if it got worse catch the earliest flight and come home.

Can an STD cause this much physical pain? H said he used protection, but maybe it wasn't enough.

I still feel he has more to tell me. How do I get the whole truth so we can both heal?

Maybe the disrespect and dismissal of my feelings and insecurities were really his way of turning things on me. to justify not telling me everything.

I don't know.... Now I've been upset of two whole days. over slept this morning, s was late for school, I missed an important work meeting...missed swimming...

I have to get back on track, get myself back together.

Infidelity sure does SUCK!

Re

I'm so sorry! I know the rollercoaster you are on. It's hard!
I would definitely sit down and have a long talk with your H. I would also get him to go to the doctor for some tests.
Hang in there and take a deep breath. I know how all of this makes you feel.....you feel like you're going to lose it and then the next minute your on the floor crying your eyes out. Infidelity is definitley a very cruel thing for a spouse to do to another spouse.
Hugs to you!!!

thanks TR. I could use a hug <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
H has had every STD test there is...so far all negative. He had another blood test last week, we'll find out the results when he returns.

if only the "dirty deed" was out of the equation, we could focus on other illnesses(sp?)

I will sit and have a long talk with him,(not sure how to approach it but I'll try)

We went to mass together this past weekend. Haven't done that since S was baptised! He's trying but something is still bothering him.
re

Regards;

Sorry to hear your pain. I have read your story and I must say that I think your husband is a very distraught man. My hunch is that he feels so guilty for what he has done and thinks that an STD is the ultimate punishment and that he has one. He probably is so sure that he has something that he is probably having symtpoms. The mind is a very powerful powerful phenomenon. I have seen people who were so sure that they had AIDS (after affairs, etc..) that they start actually having symptoms of HIV (i.e swollen lymph nodes, diarrhea, etc..) and ofcourse after repeated testing (negative) they still believe they have it. It is only after they get forgiveness from the affair/incident that their lives improve. Forgiveness has to coem from within alot of these times. This is his conscience wrestling with what he has done. He is guilty and part of his conscience thinks that the only justification for his symptoms is a serious STD. Lets be honest, the most serious STD is HIV infection and that is easily tested for. I assume he has had that already. I think he needs some IC and maybe AD meds. I have seen what is happening to your husband even happen to fellow physician colleagues. This is just my opinion, take that for what it is worth (maybe not much judging from what some people think of me on here)...LOL. Good luck. PLease let me know if there is anything else I can do to help ease your mind/fears. Knowledge is Power.

LM, thanks for your informed input. It is very timely...I just got off the phone with my H's infectious disease dr who've I've consulted with also. She almost said the same thing. she has tested him for everything (all negative)and even took another blood test last week.(waiting for results) She'll see him again on Saturday.

She wanted to know if he were still on any AD meds, which he stopped on his own.

I know he feels very guilty, I guess that when the ad meds kicked in he felt better and I felt worse. He thought things could go back as usuall, however I changed. I needed more from him, i needed more reassurance, more security and more affection then I ever needed before.

I wanted to understand, how could this have happened, how to make sure it wouldn't happen again. To change things around here...for me to become a better person, bring my best into this M.

We've talked already about going back to his IC and getting more ad meds, most likely next week.
I was thinking that he had more to tell me...and that this was bringing on more guilt. I guess we'll find out.

RE