My H and I have been married 30 years. Three weeks ago i found out about how close H and his so called "friend" was for the last two months. H was best friends with all of her family for along time (i thought i was too) and her mama ask H to talk to her and see if he could help her. DUH what they thought he could do that others couldn't do is beyond me. I Told my H that if he would be honest with me about this we would try to work thur this and try to save our marriage. H is trying to be very understanding with my feelings and helping me deal with all this. The friend had alot of problems (she was on alot of downers from back problems and stayed in bed to sleep alot) and he said he was just trying to be a friend and help her get off so many pain drugs and they just grew closer. Something that wasn't planned or meant to happen. She was giving him what i wasn't giving him i guess so to say. He said she would listen to what he talked about and i wasn't. It wasn't a sexual thang between them more of an emotionaly one, but they did try to have sex two times (so he says) but due to my H taking so many pills for his health he couldn't do anything or maybe his guilt wouldnt let him cause we haven't had any problems with the sex part since we have been working to get this marriage back. We are trying to work thur this so I can forgive him. We have some river land where H spends alot of his time. Now i also found out she was with him there alot too during the affair. I have been back to Our river land twice with my H trying to work thur this and all i can do is cry when there and I can't look at the camper where i can only think of it as there love nest or feel comfy there any more. I feel like nothing is mine there any more.I know this is important that i get over this being i wanna spend more time with my H there cause he spends alot of his time there. It's hard for me to even trust him when he tells me that's where he is going. How can I get over this part of it and move past it knowing he took her to a place that was suppose to be Our's?? Please I need some help on this one.......

Welcome to marriagebuilders. What you are feeling is perfectly normal, and will diminish in time. You might try reading on the recovery board. There are a lot of people there who are facing the same issues as you.

Dimples...Welcome chere!

I have a practical suggestion. Triggers are awful things...why not sell yours? That's right...sell it! Get a new camper with no memories at all. The riverland belongs to God...so we'll let him get the "funk" outta there okay? But I don't blame ya...the camper...gotta go!

Please stay and keep posting. Tell us about some of the details: How did you find out, how did the affair end, has ALL contact ended, what kind of recovery plan do you have in place, are you getting marriage counseling? All of those things are very important.

This might be a long one....
I caught my H cheating on 10-1-04. H had been helping OW's brother do some work and he wasnt home after it had started getting dark and I got worried so i called OW's brother to find out if he was home yet. He was home and his wife answered phone and was telling me about the OW had tried to kill herself and was at the hospital (still didnt know yet) so she went on telling me that she hoped the OW got some help this time. She said "tell ya the truth they both need help". I said both who?? Then she said my H's name and OW's name (she thought my H needed help for being so stupid to cheat on me). I asked her then why would my H need help?? She told me to open my eyes. SOOOOOO I did and i ask her well where was my H going after he let her H off after work?? She told me he was going to the hospital to check on OW. (The OW trying to kill herself had nothing to do with the A, she had alot of problems) SOOOOOO I hung up the phone and went to the hospital to look for him and there he was. I really lost it at that point and really did do some stupid stuff but I know i was in the right. I cussed him out and told him if he didnt leave with me NOT to bother coming home cause he wouldn't have NO home. He said for me to go home and he wanted to stay there and make sure his friend was going to be alright (like i really cared if she died or not). I was really showing my butt and he wanted me to leave so he acted like he was going to get in his truck and leave and i grabbed his keys from him. He didn't have a key for NOTHING not even the river land. Then i left his butt up there without anyway to go. I come home and started calling people and got more details of the A (seem like everybody knew but me). I got up the next morning and went to the bank and made sure i took his name off our bank account (being i was the only one who ever took care of that stuff i was able to do that Thank Goodness) When i got back from the bank he was here after coming thur a window to get in. I come in and told him to get his butt out of my house and i called 911. (Everything is in my name Thank Goodness again) The cops come out and he agreed to leave if i would give him his truck keys to him. So i gave them to him and he went to a friends house. I stayed by myself for 2 days and That was the worse 2 days being alone and NOT know anything and thinking had i rather be alone or try to work thur this?? So I called and ask the friend if he would ask H if we could talk?? When he come home to talk i told him if he would be honest and let's talk then maybe we can work thur this and make our marriage work.(He hasn't left me since) I think H has been pretty honest with me. I did catch him in a lie but he told me he knew it would hurt me if i knew the truth. I explained to him that the truth dont hurt half as bad as the lies. H hasn't had any contact with OW since he seen her at the hospital and she was really out of it then. H told me that they had already talked about cutting it off before he got caught so H said she knew how he felt about things and OW knew H didnt wanna loose me and his family or anything we have worked for our 30 years together. I am in counseling now and had to go on Zoloft to help me get thur this. It is the hardest thing i have ever tried to go thur. We are taking this one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time. I don't wanna give up on my marriage without trying to get over this and learn to try to forgive and trust again. I try to look at it this way...NO matter what they thought they might of had or what she could do for him in the 5 or 6 weeks they was close can NEVER add up to the 30 years we have had together and what i can do or have done for him. This feels like something eating at my insides that NEVER gets full. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

awwwwwwwwwwwwww i just found out my H had contact with OW tonight. Come to find out H had her wedding ring from her broken up marriage and has been wearing it all this time we have been trying to work on our marriage. (he told me he had found it) H said he just wanted to give it back to her and tell her he was staying with me and try to work out his marriage. He went to the river today and told me he would be home a bit after dark.It starts to get dark here about 8:30 and it should of took him about an hour to get home. So at 10:00 When he wasn't home i called the guy who went with him and he told me he had been gone about 10 minutes(which he might of been covering for him too he has before). I waited for about 20 minutes cause it usually takes about 20 minutes to come from the guy's house. I got in my car and drove the road (i even run in a ditch too) i knew he would take and didnt see him anywhere so i come back home. NO he still wasn't home. I was home maybe 5 minutes and he come in i was really about to loose it by that time. I met him at the door and ask him where he had been?? He said at the river. I told him that the guy he went with said he had let him off at about 9:50 and here it is 11:00. I ask him 3 times and he lied to me 3 times before he got in the house where he was. When H found out he was caught he then told me eveything. OW had come by while he was letting the guy out. So yea the guy did know he had seen OW and had even told H to please go home and not mess things up for us. H told him he just wanted to give her back her ring so it would be over and we could move on. So H caught up with her and they talked. H said they didnt either one even get out of the car. (i can't believe anything he says at this point) After H told me what had happened I called her up. (first time i have had contact with OW since i caught them) I ask her was she just with my H and she lied to me amd told me no and i told her why the HELL are ya lieing to me when my H just told me he had just talked to ya why would he be lieing to me about what he knows was going to hurt me and she hung up phone on me. I called her back and told her she wasn't nothing but a chicken s***. She thought she was woman enough to take my H but she wasn't woman enough to talk to me on the phone. She ended up hanging up phone. So i told my H...OK if ya say ya had to give her ring back and tell her it was over and work out your marriage then ya shouldn't have a problem with calling her on the phone and let me hear ya tell her that and what is being said so i can know ya mean what ya are saying(and then i still not too sure about believing him)?? He said he would call her in the morning when he woke up being we fussed and talked until way after 5 this morning.I told him until he called her and let me hear it we have NOTHING to work out or work on.I feel like all we have been working on to get out marriage back is gone. I had really come a long way since i found out. At least i could go one day without crying then this slaps me in the face again. Now i don't know what to do or where to turn. I felt so good about us before he left for the river. He even sit down side of me at my computer and i cried and read to him the forums i had wrote earlier. So he knew i was trying hard to meet all his needs and work to forgive him and get my trust back. Since i have found out about A i have devoted all of my time with him and i have really tried since then to be there with him and do the stuff he liked doing.(we don't either work) Now i don't know what to do. I don't know if i wanna even try again or should i just go ahead and threw the 30 year marriage away. I feel so sick right now and i can't go to sleep and all i can do is cry. I feel like even if i have the stength to try to make this marriage work we are back to zero again. Right back where we was the day i found out about the A. Now for what i am suppose to do now is beyond me. I am Lost again.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Stay on the AD's.

Purchase and read Surviving an Affair, which can be purchased at any major book store, or ordered here on-line.

Read about Plan A, No Contact, No Contact letters and realize that you can play an important role in saving your marriage.

Yes, you've been hurt. And I'm sorry for your pain. There are many here who have been through as bad and worse situations, and people here are very thoughful and caring, and will help you through this.

Your instincts have been pretty good so far, but you'll need to learn about Lovebusters...Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements, Selfish Demands etc. You'll need to learn to control all of the above. This will open your WH's eyes to what he has to lose.

Also, through some serious introspection, identify things that you have done in the marriage in the past, that may be changed for the better, and begin doing those things today. In nearly every case, the BS has done some things that contribute to a marriage being vulnerable. That does NOT make the Affair YOUR fault. Affairs are done by choice, and your WH made that choice, not you.

One other thing. Read about exposure. You should contact the OW's H and exchange what you both know about the affair. It will put incredible pressure on the A, it will help bring it to an end, and it will make it more difficult for it to rekindle.

You sound very strong, and I'm convinced you can do this. God will not give us challenges that we are not strong enough to endure!

Best wishes
SD