I want to know what I should do to get my WH off the fence. One week he has made up his mind to do right, end A and work on M. Next week, after talking to OW usually, he's changed his mind.

The vasillation is killing me.

I know he is realizing some of the pain he is causing. Or says he is. He knows whats right and says he misses his relationship with the Lord. But he just keeps wavering back and forth and wont do the NC.
Its like if he does that then he is trapped in a marriage that he doesnt know if he wants. Doesnt have enough faith in God or me that things could be different. He knows it would be right and what God would want to work out our marriage, but he is afraid.
He loves her (after 4 months) and says he has prayed for 21 years for God to give him the love for me that a husband should have for a wife and it has not come.
My heart is breaking and is tired. I am just tired of having to be everything, to everybody. Of trying to encourage him, to stay encouraged myself.
Does anybody have any words of wisdom or advice?

Katie

^bump^

So, you cannot really plan A very effectively until he returns home in December... is this correct?

Is this what is frustrating you?

Pep

Before H left for overseas, he came home for about 2 wks. He refused to cut all contact with OW at that point. So we didnt do much recovering. He is continuing contact while overseas with OW. Has changed his mind almost weekly since he has been gone about whether to come home or not. Has made plans with her. The past 3 1/2 wks he has wanted to work on our marriage, but having a hard time letting go of OW. Worried about her, loves her...etc. The way I see it, he has said in his head he knows whats right and wants to do whats right, but hasnt made the committment in his heart.
Should I just Plan B? Or continue to talk to him? No I cant plan A very well like it is. With time difference and work schedules...very difficult.
Any suggestions?

katie,

Plan B is an option...BUT not unless have you done ALL the parts of Plan A? Who have you exposed the affair to? Is she married? Does H's parents/siblings know?

H family knows, OW is married..but getting divorce. I think OW H knows but doesnt care. Dont know about her son. My family all know. Children all know. Friends know.

I have been loving, no LB's, tried not to pressure. WH has always had issues with being wishy washy. He has even said in recent weeks that he hates this, its hurting everybody, but he cant seem to make the committment and follow thru with it.

I am in a similar boat, and looking for a paddle as well. My H is in OH (we live in ME) at Army reserve training until the end of Dec, possibly start of Jan. He also goes back and forth about what to do, and will not end C with OW because he cares too much. I have exposed A to everyone, his family, my family, and everyone has been very supportive towards me. H realizes this, as he is upset that when he calls his mom, she is very short and distant with him. He is upset and that is when he starts talk about being here with me and our D3. But like you, he soon goes back talking about OW.

I am frustrated, Plan A is so hard with limited contact with my H. Where I don't get to talk to him often, I can't even imagine not answering when he calls, but I always am afraid to talk to him, not knowing how he will be when I answer. I have done fairly well with no LB's and I don't ask too much about the A, I know it exists, he says when he has talked to her and that is about all I can handle knowing at this point.

I know where you are coming from with the difficulties of him not being here to fully deal with this and actively work on Plan A. The only difference is that my H's A has lasted for a year and a half, but I am sure that the pain is still the same. I am finding myself tired, having a hard time finding the inspiration to keep on going though. My prayers are with you.

If you want to email me where we are in a very similar situation, please feel free to ursaminor01@yahoo.com

Your story sounds all too familar (mimus the oversea's bit). I feel for you more then you know. I heard the same things from my FWH. Hold your head high. If he wants another person, let him go. I waited and waited for my FWH to come back, he would say he was and within a day he was back talking to her, he could not break the cycle. It was heart breaking for me and the children. Finally I just decided to move on and take care of myself and my boys on my own, I did not call him for anything. He would call and leave messages, he would e-mail me, he would "stop by to check on the kids". All the while telling me the OW was the love of his life, how could he walk away from her, she NEEDED HIM. SO I let him go (if you love something let it go, if it was meant to be it will come back to you). I started dateing and filling out divorce papers, amd all of a sudden he was back and wanting to make it work, this time I could tell he meant it, really meant it. we moved, and I thought we were doing great. Not so much anymore.
I guess my point is do what you feel is right for you.

Ursa,
Yes, our situations do sound familiar. WH works for Army, in S.Korea right now. I cannot imagine this lasting for over a year. I would be nuts. I dont know that I can last that long. When we talk, we do talk about R and what is going on. Hard for me to steer clear of that. But I know what you mean about not taking his calls. Its the only contact I have except for email and that is not too often. He has been out of the house since June 7 living in another town and overseas since Sept. So Plan A is very long distance kind.

KMEJ,
I have considered just moving on with my life. Hoping he would come around. Almost to that point. But I have been married since I was 18 yrs old to this same man. It is really hard for me to see myself apart from him. I have been with him longer than I was with parents! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Its just hard.
I am going to head off to church now and maybe some divine inspiration will hit me! or maybe just the comfort of christian friends will be a balm to my weary soul. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Katie

The way I see it, he has said in his head he knows whats right and wants to do whats right, but hasnt made the committment in his heart.
Should I just Plan B? Or continue to talk to him? No I cant plan A very well like it is.

I think you should plan A as best you can... and reassess when he returns home in December.

PlanA a MAJOR welcome home event of some sort.

Book a romantic night in a fancy hotel... just seduce the freckles right off his face.

Then, wait until after the New Years to make the possible Plan B decision.

That's my opinon, since it seems you really love him and want a chance to end the affair and start over.

Pep

One problem with that plan, if he comes back and doesnt move in the house, he has plans with OW to go on a cruise for Christmas. Joy.

Plan A long distance sucks. Big time. But trying.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by katiegirl34:
<strong> One problem with that plan, if he comes back and doesnt move in the house, he has plans with OW to go on a cruise for Christmas. Joy.

Plan A long distance sucks. Big time. But trying. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Welllll

Don't the kids want their Daddy home for Christmas???

Pep

my H took the OW to cali on the money we had saved to go on a second honeymoon and left me with me kids. He had no job, he went with his brother and his brothers GF. They took pictures, were carefree. All on my dime. I was left working 6 days a week struggleing to feed a 6,2,and 6month old. I was ticked off to put it nicely. I wanted to kill him and hold him all at the same time. Looking back I feel I was dumb in a lot of things I did, however hind sight is always 20/20.

Oh sorry, that came out wrong, the A was over a year, he is only gone for 6 months total, sorry for the misunderstanding.

I have a post over in recovery (I was definatly not thinking clearly on that day and put it in the wrong forum. Anyways, OW just called me, I am having such a bad night now. You should read it if you have time. My saga continues, I feel like I should sell my story for a soap opera or something. *sigh*

I agree that Plan A is definatly hard. H talked today about living here when he comes home, but still will be having C with OW. He said that he told her he wouldn't have sex with me, but said today that he doesn't think he can not. Soooo, I am just going to Plan A and like Pep said, have a welcome home event and I have already lost 28 lbs, he will be shocked and just hope that then I can really work on Plan A. With all of the back and forth talk he does, I still keep Plan B very close in mind.

Pep, kids know about affair and really dont want to have much to do with Dad right now. D might be more receptive than the S's. She is the only one living at home now.

KMEJ....oh I think I might have had to hurt my WH if he did that. Dont know if I would have taken him back. OW bought the tickets for the cruise. She is bent that he might not go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ursa...I read some on your thread in Recovery. It is a soap opera! I'm so sorry that all of us are here. I wish it were different. I have been married for 21 yrs. H has had 4ONS over the years. I guess we did not process that as much as I should have when it happened. He had already moved out before he started the A. Saying that he was unsure he loved me. Wanted to date ME to try and recover those feelings. Met her after we were separated. So, I dont know where it leaves us. I read the article that 2Long posted...I saw our lives in there and I saw where it said that recovery from A's at the point we are at is difficult if not almost impossible.
So that cheered me right up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I am just tired. Tired of being the one trying. Feel like I am pushing him to do something he doesnt really want to do. Just tired.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

okay katie...Since you're separated already (he can't see you) that kinda takes the fire out of Plan B. There is no way the OW can be forced to fill his needs...because she can't see him either. Right now, while he's gone...do your the best Plan A you can with the limitations. Wait until he comes home before considering Plan B. Confront him with your feelings about him taking a cruise....and if he still goes....tuck the Plan B letter in his suitcase and go very very dark. That would my plan chere.

star*Fish you are one smart cookie! wow that is creative, constructive and vindictive. GREAT plan!

H has told me that he knows he is not right for OW. But every time he has contact, he does this. I will have to go Plan B if he goes on the cruise. That will kill me. And it will be very very dark. He knows this has always been my dream vacation, but he would never go with me. Afraid of seasickness. But I guess he got over that.

Thanks Star...I will try and Plan A, long distance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Katie

WH is still cake eating, but he is feeling really guilty. Has asked me if I think I can really forgive him and be able to trust him again. Says when he came home before(false recovery)that the guilt of what he has done was very hard. Doesnt know if he can live with that.
I have tried to tell him I didnt think that as a man he could just walk away and still feel good about himself. That if he really wanted to be right with himself and with God, he would come back and start putting things right.

Can anybody offer me any advice? 2Scared, I know that you have talked a lot about this...do you have any thing to offer?

Katie