Thank you jph for your heartfelt post!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does the OW want the child? How old is she? Does she know how much work parenting is and it is doubled when you are a single parent? DO you think she would keep the baby to punish you H for leaving her to go back to you?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes the OW wants the child, she wants to use it against my H...She is 29, single mom of a 12 y/o boy living at home with her mother...yes, we believe she is going to use the baby as a pawn for against dad. You are very sweet kmej!

Orchid, OW had pictures of the baby today at the NH..funny how she JUST SO HAPPEN to have them with her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Right now we are NOT planning a custody battle...we have talked about it several times, but it is NOT a priority right now. Right now our priorities are getting our marriage on track and taking care of my dad. IF the paternity comes back that it is dad's then we will see what the OW does and how she reacts. Right now she is saying that she wants dad to sign over his paternal rights, bla, bla, bla not have dad in her life....If it comes back as not dad's, then we will go on with our lives.

I believe my ORIGINAL post was a concern that Dad saw the OW today. OH excuse me, I put in my title that it's a girl...whoops <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> My main concern for this post was that my H saw the OW today and he just so happened to find out the sex of the baby.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mom...I don't know what it is about you but you get the most off the wall comments on MB..I too shake my head in wonder...blows the mind...ignore it...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I dont either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Mom and Dad,

Unless you have something herendous up your sleeve about the OW, I wouldn't waste a second of time thinking about going for full custody. It isn't going to happen. No way. And if there were some reason OW was so dangerous that a judge would give you full custody, why in the world would you even allow visitation from such a dangerous woman?

I just think this is not going to happen. Work on your marriage and your family. When OC is born and PROVEN to be dad's (BIG DOUBTS THERE ON MY PART), then you talk can talk about custody and visitation. I think that is the best deal you would ever get from any judge in any state in this country.

And there is always no contact you can consider. I know it makes some people crazy to say it, but you have an obligation to make your family sane and safe, and if it means getting OW out of your life forever, then NC with OC might be the only way to go. Yes, it can be argued that OC grows up without her biological father in her life, but that is a natural repercussion of having a child conceived outside of the marraige. Many children grow up without biological parents in their lives. Is it the best situation? No. But in cases like these, sometimes NC with the OC (other than financial support, of course) might be the least damaging alternative to the marriage and the children of the marriage.

Committed, just my two cents. I've said it before that the written word is easily misinterpreted. When I read your post, I thought it was mean-spirited and hinted at baby-stealing, too (and I think I am a pretty level headed poster around here). Perhaps you can go back and read your post and see how you might have written it differently so it wouldn't be interpreted that way.

~ Snow

I wish you two all the best. I wish my H was half as commited to making our M work as d23b is. Somedays I think he might be really trying, but mostly that is just me trying to convince myself of a fake reality. Keep posting

Thank you snowbelle! I think what you ahve written makes a lot of sense! I think that possibly going the route of NC at all might be a thought too. This has really gotten all blown out of proportion. I really was only concerened about the fact that he saw the OW today...not really about the baby being a girl. I think that the OW is playing that part up enough for all of us. dad says she is acting like "haha, I have a girl and you only have boys, nana nana boo boo!"...that is the type of person she is...vindictive, manipulative and mean...there are other issues as well about her, that I wish not to discuss on the boards.

KMEJ, i am so sorry I dont know your story. But I wish you all the best. Just keep on the straight path and the path that you feel comfortable with...I was fooled many times by dad's antics. It is easy to do. But he is committed now and I know he is...his actions speak louder than his words do. And THAT is what the difference is in this recovery from the others...

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>

sorry cherished, I missed your post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> What you said makes a lot of sense. I dont think I will get myself attached before the paternity comes back. Thank you!

MOM,

I posted a thread just to you for an OT. About 3 or 4 down.

Thanks,

HINY

mom~

Your reaction is perfectly normal. My H, (who is the most kind hearted, gentle, selfless person I know), on d-day said, "After all these years, I get my boy, only to find out he's your [censored]". It broke my heart, not because he called the baby I was carrying an ugly name, but because I saw the pain and hurt in his eyes, and I had put it there. FTR, he said the word [censored] that one time only, never again to repeat it. Sometimes when I see him looking at or talking to the baby, I almost sense like he's beating himself up over calling him the name-- like he's trying to make up for it somehow, (because he fusses over and inquires about him more often when at work or on a BT, than he ever did the girls), but I've never asked him about it--afraid to bring it up, cuz I don't want to make him feel badly anymore than he might already. Then again, maybe I should bring it up, to clear the air, let him know his response was normal, and understandable. I'm sorry, tangent city here...

Anyway, now I know our situations are entirely different, in that my H and I have the luxury of raising our baby as our own, without any outside, (x-om), interference--NC and no CS. Many will say, naturally that makes things much more conducive for my H to love the baby as his own, and perhaps they are correct. However, I think you have a great capacity for love, (look at all you've been through), and will love this little girl with all that is within you, full custody or not. Just look at your friend kimmy, and how she loves her little blessings. Mom, I have a feeling you will be able to view this little girl as a blessing, as my H views our baby, and kimmy views her two. Afterall, you and this little girl are in a way, kindred spirits. You're both on the same team, as it were--the innocents in all this along with your boys--you know? Plus, if not for her, your H may never have come around. Nothing like a P to break the fantasy of an A. I know.

((((((mom, dad, boys, and little girl to be))))))

Warmest regards,
~ad

****edited to add, because I don't want to forget to be sensible/responsible...DNA, DNA, DNA!!! First and foremost!!!--but glad to see you promise not to get attached until proven.

Also, another, (mushy), reminder, because I like to repeat TMCM's quote as often as I have opportunity..."LOVE KNOWS NO DNA" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 07:48 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Thank you Autumnday! It is so nice to see the view from people that are in or have been thru this situation...I dont think anyone person can honestly say anything until you have walked in the shoes. You have a a great advantage in that you dont have to deal with the OM..how did he get away without child support btw? We on the other hand will always have the OW to deal with. I just feel so sorry for that little baby...she is an innocent precious baby....

I think kimmy is such a wonderful inspiration to me. She gives me HOPE everyday. She is such a strong person and she loves her boy and girl all the same. I hope I have that much love in me to do the same.

You're welcome Mom, and thank you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
~~~~~~
Simple, he "got away" with no CS, because in our state, as in most states, the H is presumed to be the father if M at time of conception. For the x-om to contest paternity, it would be an uphill battle for him, as long as my H himself does not contest paternity. I'm sure I don't have all this precisely correct, but that's the gist of it. We never met with an attorney, and don't intend to do so. I have however asked my H what we would do if x-om shows up, and he said, "then we will hire the best attorney money can buy".

x-om was told of the P, and that he's probably the bio, but that I was staying w/ H, and hoping to raise together, and to please stay out. He did, and has, (still holding my breath). He was an el'cheapo, so, (I'm a little ashamed to admit this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ), I played on his cheapness, and told him, that if he ever did decide to seek me/baby out, we of course would have to seek CS.

You can do this Mom, loving a little baby is the easiest, most natural thing in the world. The key will be to remember she is separate from the x-ow, and what x-ow and your H did. I know she's the product of the affair, but honey, she really truly is separate--a clean slate in this ugly world. I know you know this. Just think what a positive influence you can/will be on her life???

If you haven't already, you must, must read chapter 2 of "The Purpose Driven Life", (having a brain fart, and second guessing myself on the title, but I'm sure you know of the book)--get a hold of it and read chapter 2 before the rest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 08:19 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

ooopsie daisey!

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

M23B~
Do not spend one second though on my situation, that is all it is a situation. You have way more on your plate. You are a good person to stand by your H and say that you want to raise that little girl as your own. That takes a lot of strength. I love kids, and it is not their fault that they are brought into the world, They need to be treated with gentle hands and a caring heart. I think she would find those in your home. For now focas on your M and worry about the baby closer to March. A good M takes work, a good family takes love and commitment, and good children take both. Best wishes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "...I asked him if she told him the sex of the baby and he said "yes, it's a girl" I got real quiet...he aked me if I was ok and I said NO...I said "that is supposed to be MY girl" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Why is OW's baby supposed to be yours? I find that to be a very peculiar statement. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I REALLY wanted a girl to go with MY three boys, I dont think I would have had a hysterectomy 3 years ago. I would have waited and tried for one. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you mean to say that you were offered the option of having a tubal ligation or a hyserectomy and you opted for the latter? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I can't imagine a doctor even offering that up as an option unless you had other complications. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

*****edited********

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 10:52 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

ba~

Imagine for a moment, you are in mom's position. I mean really think about it. Do you honestly find her initial reaction so peculiar? I don't, I find it to be very natural, and actually from what I've heard from other BW's upon hearing similar news, quite a common response.

She is a woman, married to man who is having a child with ANOTHER WOMAN!!! Just imagine it!

I don't care how "advanced" in our thinking or whatever this world has become, the situation she's in isn't normal, in fact it's pretty darn peculiar itself!

It stands to reason, that IF any daughters were to be born to her H, SHE would've been the mother, not another woman!

I don't believe the gender matters so much as the fact there's an existence of an OC in the first place. However, I do think it's only natural, when a couple's children are of all one gender, to have the OC being of the opposite, it probably adds a little insult to injury when first hearing such news.

God has a plan for this baby's life, and the gender is not a coincidence. I like to believe, that if DNA proves this baby is Dad's, the fact she's a girl will end up being an added blessing to Mom's life, and she will have a daughter in her, even if the contact is limited.

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 11:08 PM: Message edited by: Autumn Day ]</small>

ba109,

Yes, there were other medical reasons mom proceeded with the hysterectomy. Point is, she is happy with her three boys and is more than willing to accept OC into her life, whether boy or girl, and love the child as her own, if that is what she and dad decide to do.

Mom,

Sorry about not addressing your fear at dad's interaction with OW the other day. It made me cringe a little on the inside because even more than two years out, I still remember those contacts that would happen now and then. Your stomach turns, suddenly all your courage to go forward turns into a mass of self-questioning and self-protection.

You wonder if he's lying, despite all of the great progress that has been made. You fear being ripped open again.

It's a hard part of recovery for both the BS and the WS. You must expect these kinds of thoughts and feelings to happen for some time to come. The thing that makes them begin to fade is dad's response. This is where he gets to step up to the plate (hope you're reading this, dad).

My husband understood that every time I freaked out, even though he was "back" in the marriage, that I wasn't pronouncing a judgment that we could never work it out. He knew that he had damaged our relationship, and my own mental balance because of his affair. So he decided to just stick it out and love me and encourage me each and everytime I broke down.

It got so that I would tell him every time I was freaking because I depended on his reassurances: a hug, a kiss. He always said, "I am sorry I did this to you."

It went on a long time. After about a year of this I began to fear opening up to him, because I didn't want think I thought it was hopeless or that I was in a rut I could never get out of. He knew this. He'd draw me out when I would withdraw. He knew what I was thinking and would say, "I'll be here when you come back (from my black thoughts." AND HE WAS!!!

Expect these fears and angry moods to come, because they will. But they will also go, after time, and many, many, many reassurances from dad.

Dad, I know you're up to this.

~ Snow

-- Edited for clarity. It's early. My coffee is still in the cup!

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 06:11 AM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Originally posted by ba109:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why is OW's baby supposed to be yours? I find that to be a very peculiar statement. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just like autumnday said...it is not that the OW's baby is supposed to be mine, but when we got married I never imagined my H having another baby with another woman. Therefore if he wanted another baby, I feel it should be with me!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you mean to say that you were offered the option of having a tubal ligation or a hyserectomy and you opted for the latter? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I can't imagine a doctor even offering that up as an option unless you had other complications. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

*****edited******** </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh for crying out loud. here we go again. NO ba, I never said that I was OFFERED EITHER option...If I was OFFERED an option, yes I would have gone for the tubal...but I WAS NOT Offered that option. I had major complications from my babies' birth's. But that in none of your business what complications. I HAD to have a hysterectomy. Plain and simple! PERIOD!

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 07:33 AM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think kimmy is such a wonderful inspiration to me. She gives me HOPE everyday. She is such a strong person and she loves her boy and girl all the same. I hope I have that much love in me to do the same.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I also think it is wonderful of you to have that kind of thinking. The willingness to love your H's child that he had with another woman, that is huge, off the charts, huge with compassion.

Why is everybody Q-ing that? Everybody seems to be trying to make so much drama out of all your comments. I understood it, and I'm an idiot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

What a big heart you must have, I'm impressed.

I'm also not against stealing babies and making them your own. I love babies and I want MORE!!!
Just a joke. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugs to you Mom {{MOM}}
KY

I still think that Dad should do everything possible to avoid all contact with OW. NC is imperative.

I think you should insist. I can't believe that he is so strong as to not fall into a trap with having this sort of contact with her. She is not to be trusted and frankly, neither is Dad.

How many times in the past has this occurred? Too many. You are expected to trust where no trust is yet warranted? I know it is different this time. Keep it that way. I don't blame you for being scared and angry. I would be, in spades.

He needs to stop that NH or she needs to find employment elsewhere...whichever.

You don't need OW in your lives, period...right now. Nothing, until proof of paternity.

I'd accept no less from my H.

You know I'm wishing the best for both of you.

JMHO

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 09:28 AM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

Wow, Here we go again?

Sounds like Dad did all the right things when he pulled into the NH parking lot, called you and POJA a solution, something you both would agree to.

The sticky part comes later when he said he knew the sex of the baby. Did he give you details of their talk? (or did they talk directly?) Is that what bothers you is that you knew they had contact? And how have you worked this out? What is the plan next time?

Geez, once again, the comments. I think I'm seeing a pattern to the comments though. It seems you are a highly read story, and that is great, lots of help, but there will be MANY opinions thrown your way, many that work, many that don't, and some that seem to trigger you. You give WAY too much weight to the ones that trigger you. You will spend paragraphs addressing posts that trigger you, when a simple reply would do. Next time you want to post back to a post that has made you upset, give yourself 2 days, then decide if it's really worth it... Perhpas the cycle will stop...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Committed, just my two cents. I've said it before that the written word is easily misinterpreted. When I read your post, I thought it was mean-spirited and hinted at baby-stealing, too (and I think I am a pretty level headed poster around here). Perhaps you can go back and read your post and see how you might have written it differently so it wouldn't be interpreted that way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Snow,

If the word is easily misinterpreted...I could say that you misinterpreted my post. That also could apply to the poster that started the thread. Perhaps, it can also be that SHE needs to go back and read her post and see how SHE might have written it differently so that I wouldn't have interpreted as I did.

The thing is, she is not responsible for how I interpreted it...nor am I responsible for how she interpreted mine. I saw no malice or meanspiritedness there. It was a SIMPLE question...followed up by MY opinion as to how I *liken* it to taking (in my word *stealing*) a child from a woman simple because it was *supposed* to be hers.

I also pointed out that I was hoping that I was WRONG.

This forum is going to have differing opinions. It's normal for someone to ask questions to someone. What turns it into a flame war is when that person goes off about the question. Why be so defensive?

There was no attack there...it was a QUESTION..and MY opinion about a woman that would do something like that. If she has no plans to do that, then there is nothing that needs to be said other than..."thanx for the concern, but that is not my intention".

Then again, had it been worded differently, I might not have interpreted it as I did.

committed

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>