JL-- I think I am feeling both guilt and remorse!!
Thats almost the same to me, I mean both words.
I feel guilty for what I did and I have remorse for what I did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I dont think I am paralized, I know that I would never do again what I did to my husband. I was extremely confused in my thinking, and I acted wrong.
My husband would rather see me smiling and happy, and thats the way I want to see him too. I want to see him like that all the time. I want him to be the confident, cool man that he used to be. I want him to know that he is the best man in the world, and I had the affair because I was messed up, because of different things.
But, for sure, I have learned my lesson and in this process I am starting to know who I really am. Who I am today as his wife, not who I was when I was growing up.
Yes, my perspective is changing and I am happy to accept the change. Yes, I was resistant to the change, but my guards are coming down at last. And I have to thank my husband, and you of course. Other people here too, like SadWW. She is a very good woman, that never ends feeling guilty for what she did so many years ago. She has not forgiven herself yet.
Gosh JL. everytime I think of my rudeness to you before, I get like this <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . It was horrible from me. I am soooooooooooooooo happy you did not hold it against me.
You are a really great guy and MrsJL is a lucky gal!
Myrta

Myrta,

If you want him to be happy, then you need to be happy. You don't quite understand yet, but your H feeds off of you, you have that power. So decide to forgive yourself, it will take time, but if you smile and are happy, you will see a change in Stanley. You don't have to lie or hide, but enjoy the fact that your marriage was strong enough to withstand this and that the two of you are smart enough to learn from this.

I often view this as tempering steel, it takes a hot fire, but when it is done, you have strength.

Myrta, you don't know me, I know what you said was not personal. Don't worry about it. Most of old timers are pretty relentless about this stuff. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ANd that is where I want to see you and Stanley get to. That state of relentlessly focusing on the good things that have happened and relentlessly learning from the bad. You can do it. We all know you can.

Just think about what we have talked about tonight during the day, and I think you will start to see yourself differently. Not as limited, but as a flower blooming, Stanley will NOT be able to resist you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Good night and God Bless,

JL

JustLearning=I always tell my daughter when she is down, that she has to put a happy face and pretend to be very happy and that eventually that happiness will become part of her. And I should apply that to myself too, smiling, being happy, and things usually turn that way. I am happy with my husband, but I still have this little thorn that makes me sad once in a while. And he does too. We are not completely "there" yet. The last two days have been great. We have bonded quiete a bit. :)I know happiness is a state of mind, and if we convince ourselves to be happy we will eventually be!
JL- I know I dont know you personally, but I feel I do. I really dont like to hurt people's feelings, especially not you, that had been so helpful inyour advice. It would be nice to have you and your wife for dinner so you can give Stanley and I that great advice face to face. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
This have a been a very valuable lesson, a hard lesson ,but valuable indeed. And we will learn it. I dont want to repeat the lesson!
Take Care
Myrta

An Update:

Last evening I searched my wife's vehicle while she was in the shower. I found a cell phone under the seat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> On its memory it had the 1st name of the OM and his (I guess) cell number. I have to conclude that this phone is solely used for their communications. I called OM’s wife immediately and she is checking on this. She never bothered to check OM’s phone periodically.

So my wife has an extra cell phone and someone must be paying for it. I guess this explains her distant contempt posture. I removed the cell phone and when my wife looks for it later today she will know I have it. In the meantime I wait for the OM to call so I can tell him how I feel.

I have read about NC and how important that is for recovery. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Pray for me. I may have a confrontation with my FWW or WW today.

UM,

Well, the contact explains a lot of the behavior you have seen. Definitely talk with her about it, but confrontation is probably not good. I think you will learn more and get your messages across more effectively if you are very calm, and simply explain what you found and ask her to explain the contact to you.

Here is where NO LB's is important, but very difficult to do. Do your best.

God Bless,

JL

JL:

Thanks for he advice. I have been very calm with the exception of D-day. I am deeply in sorrow for the discovery and it feels as if though I am back to D-day again. I have read the forum for a long time and I have seen how NC is broken many times. I just read Foreverhers WW still in contact after 2.5 years of D-day. This is terrible and I have wasted six months into this false recovery. The only difference I see is that unlikely the early weeks (when I felt deep love) I now feel disdain for her. We will talk tonight.

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: UnlovedMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by UnlovedMan:
<strong> JL:

Thanks for he advice. I have been very calm with the exception of D-day. I am deeply in sorrow for the discovery and it feels as if though I am back to D-day again. I have read the forum for a long time and I have seen how NC is broken many times. I just read Foreverhers WW still in contact after 2.5 years of D-day. This is terrible and I have waisted six months into this false recovery. The only difference I see is that unlikely the early weeks (when I felt deep love) I now feel disdain for her. We will talk tonight. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Friend I know its painful but be glad you found out the truth. My W was able to turn her PA into an EA and maintain it for 1 1/2 years before I found out. The damage this has caused is humungous but recoverable. Hang in there and try to get as much info as possible. Let her talk if she will.

hang in there friend!

UNLOVEDMAN- That was terrible for you to find out. You probably are so dissapointed and feel so helpless. My husband always tells me, that he forgave me this first time, but that if he ever found that I was doing it again,he will go from love to disgust. So, I am sure you feel preety bad. The fog is too deep for her to see clearly what she is doing to you and to your marriage.
I wish you good luck tonight when she sees her cell phone missing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Take Care

Myrta

UM:

I think that absolute strict NC after D-day is rarely accomplished. Some communication is bound to happen. My wife who was fully committed to the marriage had some residual communication. In her case I believe this was just a mechanism to let go before going into the real permanent NC (which is forever). However, I suspect that at some point OM may try again and if he succeeds NC is broken once again. I hope Myrta keeps me posted, this would mean the world to me and would surely increase my trust in her.

I will be honest with you. The cell phone suggests that perhaps there has been quite a bit of communication post D-day. Otherwise, why spend the money on the cell phone. She will probably deny it or say that perhaps she used the phone once or twice-- be prepared. And don't do as I do- No LBs! Control yourself--- BTW, I am learning.

Good luck!

Lets us know how it goes

An update:

I confronted my wife and she was very mad and defensive. She yelled at me and said she still has a right to private calls. She emphasized she only talks to OM every once in a while, but this is hard to believe. Why did she get a 2nd cell phone that is not on her name? I found OM the cell phones are on OMs name, but my wife pays the bill. Everything among us is tense and the fact that there is no more phone to play with very aggravating to her. She shows no remorse for all the lying and the fact she is having an EA or even PA, not sure yet. She is acting like a caged animal; I am afraid I should let her go her way. She does not look cooperative.

I am afraid I should let her go her way.

Now this is a hard part of affaors for a BS my friend. You cannot manage a single part of your WWs behaviour. Not without kidnapping or coercing her anyway, which would be counterproductive as she would hate and resent you.

This is where plan A makes enormous sense.

You behave in a way calculated to make your WW unable to forget the love she has for you WHILE you set and police boundaries.
PLEASE read Ark^^s plan A tome its marvellous ( do a search).

It doesn't look like it but its all going to plan ULM, and you have all the tools you need HERE to effect a change in your lives for the better.

All blessings mate. Your sitch just got interesting AND do-able !