These are things OM is saying to me when I am trying to end A. Please respond with rebuttals. He takes some truth and turns it to his favor and I just can't think. I know when he asks if I want my life right, the answer is yes, but only God can make it right, not OM....
Help..

You have dealt with God, the kids, etc it is time to be with me.

I want you to sacrafice as much in life for me as I have you.

Quit using your kids as an excuse and give them some credit.

I am terrified to death of losing you, are you willing to lose the man who loves you more than life?

Quit going to church to try to figure out your lies.

Help me help your kids like me.

Your not even gonna give us a chance?

Are your kids gonna be with you the rest of their life, no, I am.

Remember the promises you made to me? You can't wait to be with me, you don't want to live without me..

My kids know what I have done, they know about you and they except you, why are your kids any different?

I know I am right for you and you are right for me, I've known it from the beginning.

Your kids will be happy when you are happy. They can learn to love me, give me a chance.

How can you go to church and keep lying?? Get your life right by coming to me.

Make your life right by being with the person you love.

Quit sheltering your kids, you are not doing them any favors.

I am so in love with you I can't stand it, I'm more afraid of losing you than dying.

Don't let your kids believe you love their father when I know you don't.

Do you think living a lie is right for your kids, that is what you will be doing if you stay.

Don't you want to get up in the moring and know you are doing the right thing?

Do you trust God to make everything right? Then trust Him to make us right.

If you come to me, God would know that you know in your heart you are doing the right thing by being with me and living the right way.

Quit living a life of lies.

The way I see it, you have to options: 1-get away from H, get away from me and make your life right, or get to me and make your life right.

They (kids) don't have to like me, but they do have to respect me.

In time your kids will see I am a loving and caring person.

If you don't leave, you will show your kids what we had was disgusting and you didn't love me. If you leave, you will show them I was worth having.

Change your life for us.

I'm sorry, WU, I can offer no advice really. My WH is getting the same things from OW as well.
But I can say this, You know that God would have you put your marriage back together and you know that OM is not the answer. You have to stand strong and pray that God will give you strength to do this. Letter or email would be better I would think, than talking to him. I know how hard that must be for you..to end this R with just a letter. But it is not going to be easy any way you go about it, you just have to do it so you can move on with your M and your life.

I'm sorry I am not much help. But I will certainly pray for you as tomorrow aproaches.

God Bless,
Katie

Katiegirl34,

I understand what you are saying. Alot of people have said to send a NC letter. Also, my prayer partner believes I may have to have my IC tell him also as in the past when I have cut off the A, he respects it for a few days, then he is right back..

I feel like a coward for sending a letter. I wish I could just say the words!!

There is no answer that you can give him that will satisfy his ridiculous questions. To try and justify this to your children is unbelievable. What would you be teaching them? Lying, cheating and betrayal are alright as long as it makes you feel good? Not a lesson I want to teach my little girl. Simply tell him you are ending this adulterous relationship to work on your M and your family. You do not owe him any more explination. Send a NC letter, change jobs, phone numbers, what ever it takes. Just do it now before it is too late.

The OM is trying to guilt you into staying with him. What does your heart tell you to do? YOu are married, you stood before God. If you can make it work with your H then you should. For both yourself, and your kids. My H's OW told them they were soulmates and that our kids would one day respect him for doing what will make him happy in the end. She told him that I entrapped him by getting pregnant at 17 (yep- did that on my own <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). Basically telling him that marriage should not be work, that when you are with the right person that everything just clicks (She was 19 what does one expect??? L:etters that she wrote and a conversation I had with my supossid friend (OW) is how I learned this. Plus a whole lot of other things. It is a mind game the the OP plays to keep the WS coming around. You all are in the fog and do not know what you want so you are in a constant game of ping-pong

Wakingup,

I don’t know your whole story, but I do know that if you want to save your M, OM has got to go. Tell OM, “I am going to work on rebuilding my M. If you love me as much as you say you do, then respect my wishes and do not contact me again.” Then you need to have NC with OM, ever. When you’re in NC, you will not have to listen to any of OM’s “reasoning.”

If he loved you, he would not have wanted to come in between you and your family in the first place. He would not want you to “Quit going to church to try to figure out your lies.” Church is the best place for you to figure things out. Trying to separate you from God and your family is not a sign of love. He’s not even a friend. Friends wouldn’t do that to each other, either.

I know it’s hard, but if you really want to do the right thing, do the right thing. I can’t help believing you know what the right thing is.

God bless,

Rose

WU, I know it is very difficult to have to say the words out loud to OM. It is emotionally very draining. Send the letter. Its not a cop out. But how can you answer some of his questions? My WH OW has said I manipulate him....she does the same by saying they are soul mates and our children will be ok. That he is not abandoning his family, he is making a new start for them to know love and peace. Bunch of crap!
But it is IMPOSSIBLE to answer all the lies and guilt trip he is laying on you. And it is not a cop out to write the letter!

Hang tough, Waking Up!
Katie

Thank you all.

You have confirmed what I know to be true.

I am coming out of the fog, God has gotten thru to me, I KNOW what is right.

It appears that in my weakness, I will have to send a letter.

I am glad you all had the same reactions to his statements that I did. Things must be clearing up for me.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

He is going to say whatever he can to get you to stay. Speaking as former master manipulater. lol

Trying to give you a guilt trip over your children. That he cannot live without you. That he gave up everything for you. That he would do anything for you (personal fav of OW).

Dont let the Enemy win. He is trying to play with your mind.
Hang tough, Waking Up, the air is getting clearer.

Katie

Katiegirl,

I know exactally what your are saying. OM is a grown man and made his own choices. And he did change his life to be with me. Divorced, moved, changed careers, etc. But I am realizing HE made those choices. Granted he took the promises I made and believed them, but HE is responsible for his own actions as I am mine.
Thank you for your thoughts
WU

WU,

First, I am sorry this is difficult.

One thing that struck me was the false choices that the OM is giving you. He says that you can choose to get away from H, go off by yourself or go with him. But...there's another choice that he DIDN'T give you...stay and TRY TO MAKE THE MARRIAGE BETTER.

That in itself should show you who he is looking out for - himself.

My advice would be to write him a letter, telling him firmly that you want NO contact at all. A letter is a good way to do this because he won't be able to respond or cry or manipulate you into staying. Then...if you haven't already..tell your HUSBAND.

This is simple.

Don't even TRY to answer him.

Write him a NC letter to wit:

"OM [do not write "Dear OM" - there's nothing "dear" about him] - I realize now that I made a horrible mistake associating with you. I betrayed my family and my values. Do not contact me ever again."

WU

Very simple and to the point. Show it to your husband and allow him to send it.

Now do it. Very simple, but we realize it's not easy. I predict once you do this you'll feel a huge relief.

WAT

HI WU,

I'm not a fanatic or anything, but I'm telling you... ANYONE who tells you you've 'delt with God' is truly working for the DEVIL.

Leave this man alone. Dont expose yourself to this 'evil'. Don't! Don't look, don't read, don't acknowledge! Don't!

Please take care of yourself. You have lots of healing to do. You must move on. Be safe!! - Dru

WU

I totally agree with the others not to respond to him but if it becomes unavoidable you can respond to him in the following ways:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have dealt with God, the kids, etc it is time to be with me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh I have already dealt with you by saying to you goodbye.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want you to sacrifice as much in life for me as I have you.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You sacrificed the people you say you loved not because of me but because of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quit using your kids as an excuse and give them some credit.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unlike you, I have a conscience and that conscience tells me that I am doing the right thing not just for them and their father, but for myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am terrified to death of losing you, are you willing to lose the man who loves you more than life?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should be more terrified of one day looking into the mirror and seeing a man who not only destroyed his marriage and family because of his selfishness but almost destroyed another marriage and family as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quit going to church to try to figure out your lies.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only lies were the ones that we told each other.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Help me help your kids like me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't you mean help YOU usurp their father's place in their lives?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your not even gonna give us a chance?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I am going to give us a chance, a chance to go our separate ways and to repair the damage we caused to the ones we loved.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are your kids gonna be with you the rest of their life, no, I am.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My kids will always be in my heart no matter if they are grown up, move away and have children of their own. You, on the other hand, will probably and regretably go from one sad and lonely married woman to another helping to destroy families and marriages. Also your track record of vowing to spend the rest of your life with a woman leaves a lot to be desired.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Remember the promises you made to me? You can't wait to be with me, you don't want to live without me..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had vows that superseded those so called promises to you. Vows to my husband and to my children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My kids know what I have done, they know about you and they except you, why are your kids any different?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now I know you are lying when you say that your children accept me, the woman who was influential in helping YOU chose to end your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I am right for you and you are right for me, I've known it from the beginning.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You took advantage of my situation and instead of helping me, you decided to help yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your kids will be happy when you are happy. They can learn to love me, give me a chance.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why don't you give your wife a chance instead? You can learn to love her again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can you go to church and keep lying?? Get your life right by coming to me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I go to church to seek God to heal me spiritually, like a sick person goes to see a doctor to get healed physically.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Make your life right by being with the person you love.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My life will be made right by learning to love God once again which in turn will help me love myself and my loved ones as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quit sheltering your kids, you are not doing them any favors.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I strongly beg to differ, I am doing what I have been entrusted as their mother and if you cared as much for your kids as you say you do then you would do your best to reconcile with their mother.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so in love with you I can't stand it, I'm more afraid of losing you than dying.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You were once 'in love' with your W and yet that was not enough true love in you to try to make your marriage work, was there?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't let your kids believe you love their father when I know you don't.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I may not be in love with my H at this moment, but I most certainly love him otherwise I would not have decided to reconcile with him. I think my actions prove this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think living a lie is right for your kids, that is what you will be doing if you stay.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only lie that I lived was when I was in the fantasy world of the affair with you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't you want to get up in the moring and know you are doing the right thing?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Contrary to your beleif, I DO get up in the morning and KNOW that I am doing the right thing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you trust God to make everything right? Then trust Him to make us right.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you truly beleived in God, then you would know that God does NOT sanction the destruction of marriages and families because of adultery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you come to me, God would know that you know in your heart you are doing the right thing by being with me and living the right way.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't make me laugh with such a ludicrous statement. If you truly beleived in God you would not use HIM to justify your selfishness.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quit living a life of lies.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's my life and I will live it as I see fit.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The way I see it, you have to options: 1-get away from H, get away from me and make your life right, or get to me and make your life right.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I already chose a better option and that is getting away from you for good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They (kids) don't have to like me, but they do have to respect me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Respect a liar and a cheat who destroyed his own marriage and family for his own selfishness?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In time your kids will see I am a loving and caring person.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In time my kids would despise you and see you as not being 1/10th of the man their father was.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you don't leave, you will show your kids what we had was disgusting and you didn't love me. If you leave, you will show them I was worth having.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh in time I plan to show my kids what a truly disgusting relationship our affair was so that they can avoid falling into the same trap their mother did.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Change your life for us.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh I've already changed my life but the us is my H and children, not you and me.

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

You have dealt with God, the kids, etc it is time to be with me.

This is nonsense. You can never "deal with" God, and the kids will always be affected. It is time to be with my family.

I want you to sacrafice as much in life for me as I have you.

Too bad. I don't want to.

Quit using your kids as an excuse and give them some credit.

You mean credit for being able to take a psychological beating? No thanks, I'd rather spare them the beating.

I am terrified to death of losing you, are you willing to lose the man who loves you more than life?

Don't be a drama queen. You don't love me more than life.

Quit going to church to try to figure out your lies.

I'm going to church to try to return to the truth.

Help me help your kids like me.

No.

Your not even gonna give us a chance?

No.

Are your kids gonna be with you the rest of their life, no, I am.

Not if I can help it.

Remember the promises you made to me? You can't wait to be with me, you don't want to live without me..

I was out of my mind when I made those promises. I plead insanity. I'm becoming sane now, and I do want to live without you. Stop putting thoughts in my head.

My kids know what I have done, they know about you and they except you, why are your kids any different?

They aren't, except they're luckier because I don't want to destroy their home any more.

I know I am right for you and you are right for me, I've known it from the beginning.

So are lots of people, like say my husband for instance. I won't sacrifice myself for you.

Your kids will be happy when you are happy. They can learn to love me, give me a chance.

I won't be happy. I don't want them to love you. They have a father.

How can you go to church and keep lying?? Get your life right by coming to me.

I'm going to get my life right by getting away from you.

Make your life right by being with the person you love.

I'm going to learn how to love the person I'm with, the way I promised I would.

Quit sheltering your kids, you are not doing them any favors.

I disagree.

I am so in love with you I can't stand it, I'm more afraid of losing you than dying.

Not true. Just infatuation and drama.

Don't let your kids believe you love their father when I know you don't.

I do, because I choose to love him, and my love for him is going to grow.

Do you think living a lie is right for your kids, that is what you will be doing if you stay.

Nuh uh. I'm living a lie by being with you.

Don't you want to get up in the moring and know you are doing the right thing?

Yes.

Do you trust God to make everything right? Then trust Him to make us right.

I won't even dignify this.

If you come to me, God would know that you know in your heart you are doing the right thing by being with me and living the right way.

Ditto above.

Quit living a life of lies.

Again, trying to do that.

The way I see it, you have to options: 1-get away from H, get away from me and make your life right, or get to me and make your life right.

I have more options than that, and you have no right to try to limit them for me.

They (kids) don't have to like me, but they do have to respect me.

Nobody has to respect you.

In time your kids will see I am a loving and caring person.

No they won't, because you won't be around.

If you don't leave, you will show your kids what we had was disgusting and you didn't love me. If you leave, you will show them I was worth having.

I choose the former.

Change your life for us.

I think you really mean "change your life for ME." And I won't do it.

--

Waking Up, this dude sounds like a selfish, bossy drama queen who has the emotional maturity of a fourteen-year-old.

GC

TMCM and GC,

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!

I appreciate your bluntness and honesty. I had some of the same remarks you did. My judgement gets clouded because of guilt, but I am getting stronger and reley on clear thinking people as you two.

Again, thank you. Your thoughts give me the courage to do what I need to and help me know I'm finally thinking correctly!!

WU

WU,

YOU can hold your head high that you are doing everything in your power to repair your marriage.

YOU can look yourself in the mirror and KNOW that you are coming closer to God.

YOU can look at your childrens eyes and know that you are doing right by them.

Can the same thing be said about the OM?

TMCM,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
WU,

YOU can hold your head high that you are doing everything in your power to repair your marriage.

YOU can look yourself in the mirror and KNOW that you are coming closer to God.

YOU can look at your childrens eyes and know that you are doing right by them.

Can the same thing be said about the OM?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In his eyes, he has done the right thing. The depth of the deception for both of us is sickening. Thank God He never gave up on me. I should say He hasn't given up on OM either, He's just gonna deal with him when I get out of the way..

WU

WU - TMCM and GC have given you good, specific ways to imagine how you might respond to OM.

But don't you dare use these responses.

Your ONLY response to him should be a NC letter.

WAT

I agree with GC, when reading the questions he's asking you I'm thinking "Is this guy serious?" He seems like he's throwing any question he can think of into the mix to confuse you into changing your mind.....he's all over the board with these questions.....especially the ones concerning church....he needs to tread lightly in that area. I can't believe he's trying to turn you from not only your husband and family, and God and the church too......send the letter, cut him off, you've given him too much power already.

-Caren