My lawyer wants to confront H & OW (we generally know when they are together and where they are. He is a very nice, kind, softspoken Christian man. I want to state that this was not my idea.

He wants to talk to them AS MY LAWYER - to tell them what the legal ramifications of their actions are - and what they stand to lose.

He tried this a.m., but when he got there, H was alone. He will try again.

Is this a bad thing or a good thing as you see it? I think it might be helpful, I have heard other FWS on this site say that one of the things that helped bring them out of the fog was the reality of what they could lose.

If he does this, do you think it could be harmful in any way? Make things worse? (Although I don't know how much worse they could get.)

Opinions? Advice? Comments?

I have no idea.... but let us know the outcome.

As far as I know, this has not been discussed on the boards before.

Pep

I will report back, but it might take a while. He is waiting for the right opportunity, and at a time when he is not busy in court or with another client, etc. But he seems quite determined.

starz
What your lawyer is doing is Biblical. Christians are instructed to first go privately to confront another Christian about their sin. If they do not listen and repent, then they are to take it to the leaders of the church. The church then as a governing body speak to the Christian about the offense. If then they do not repent, then the church has done all that is required.

Obviously this man is serious about his faith and doing as instructed in the Bible. I would trust him after I prayed him through it if I were you. I'm assuming that your husband has professed to be a Christian. Christians are never to do this to a non-believer-it's just within the church. This also HAS to be done with love. One's motives and words have to be carefully examined. It's a very delicate matter and coming off as judgmental can do much damage.

It sounds as if you have a wise man as an attorney. I'm assuming is well experienced in divorce cases. You have to understand that he has to answer to his actions as do we all. He has to be assured that participating in this divorce comes within the bounds of Biblical teachings. God tells us in the Bible that divorce is allowed in cases of abandonment by an unbelieving spouse and unrepentant adultery. Notice I said unrepentant. I assume your attorney wants to make sure that it is unrepentant.

This is an interesting question. I can't recall anyone else here having a lawyer want to do something like this. I have a feeling you have a good guy for an attorney.
I would probably put this in the same category as exposure. I don't think him talking to them would hurt the situation, but you know your spouse better than anyone else here. If you think this will lead to something, then by all means go ahead with it.

This is an interesting, but not so unusual, situation. I come from a long line of attorneys, although I am not one (I was accepted to law school but went to grad school in Physics instead).

My dad had his own private practice in a mid-sized town in Montana until he died in the early eighties. He used to do the same kind of thing. When someone came to him for a divorce he would often get permission to speak to the other spouse (and OP, if there was one, which was usually the case). He told me he did this when his client did not really want the divorce. He would explain to the other spouse (and OP) what they were about to face. He would do his best to make it as painful for them as possible, and he usually could too. He outlined how much they would lose and how even OP would be subpoenaed to testify in custody and in financial hearings. Op would even be sued to recover any assets given to them. His intent was to put a little fear of the law into them and explain how much light was about to be shined on their activities. Reality bites when explained by a good attorney.

It worked about half of the time, he said. The other spouse suddenly didn’t want to divorce after all. Then he would hook the couple up with a good Mc he knew. As far as I know, most of these couples are still married back there.

Now, things are different from small town Montana these days. If you live in a community property/no fault state all the various the legal ramifications are pretty well pre-determined. And there may be conflict of interest issues if you are not there at the same time. If you attorney is comfortable with what he is doing, then don’t worry.

Good luck,
T

The idea sounds good to me, especially since I am a Christian. I wish more lawyers would do this. Maybe more marriages could be saved.

Personally, I would not consider approach such as this -

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-43
XH-45
DS-3
Status: D-day 5-02, divorce final 5-04 after fighting furiously to save my marriage.

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: Brit's Brat ]</small>

Thank you all for your replies. It's interesting to know that other lawyers have done this. Exposure has not stopped them from seeing each other. Perhaps this will help. I know it will make H angry, but I don't care at this point. I think he thinks that the A is over if he has quit renting motel rooms. But they still see each other every day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It isn't over by any means.

ditto Brit.

This is a very poor idea in my opinion. Mixing legal ramifications with moral ones. Despite the way some think it ought to be, our legal system is secular. If you desire someone to deliver a moral admonishment, ask your pastor, priest, clergyman. Frequently on this forum you'll read that you shouldn't get marriage counseling from a lawyer nor legal advice from a counselor. Very foolish. Thus, I'd make the same conclusion if a combo attorney/counselor was at your disposal.

Mixing legal and moral advice will likely get you less effective results of both.

As your lawyer, he should write a letter to your H outlining the legal potential consequences. He can embellish these all he wants - in the end, the courts will decide what they really turn out to be.

Bottom line, IMHO, a really bad idea that has more chance of making things worse than it has to make them better.

Starz, you say that it is good to hear what other attorneys have done...I AM an attorney but I do not practice family law. Nonetheless, I personally would have concerns regarding the ethicacy of this and whether it in any way violated the Rules of Professional Conduct...

BB

starz,

In my opinion he shouldn't contact your H at all. He has been retained by you as counsel, and it would be inappropriate for him to deal with your H personally. All dealings would need to go through your H's attorney.

If your H tells his attorney, your attorney could find himself in front of the judge explaining his lack of "professionalism".

Woud you think it right for HIS attorney to contact you, trying to persuade you to let him go, and outlining the ramifications if you don't? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

JMHO
committed

I think it's a GREAT idea. It was after a friend came over and talked with us about what a divorce was like (from his own experience) that we BOTH decided we didn't want to go through that, or put our kids through that. I think it's wonderful your lawyer would do this for you.

Hi BB!

Okay, back on topic. My first IC at work suggested a couple of "mediators" I could call if things got worse (at the time, I couldn't imagine "worse", but that's normal). She suggested, like I think I've read on the home pages here somewhere, that mediators are more likely 2 negotiate for the couple's best interest than a dv lawyer, who after all gets paid giving his client a dv. And that many times the mediation process brings the couple back 2gether.

I never had 2 go either route, though.

I will defer the "judgment" as 2 whether your lawyer's plan is a good one or not 2 others with more experience there. On the one hand, though, I think I'd agree that it might serve as some aspect of "exposure", but even if it does, the OP shouldn't be involved because you don't want 2 even "appear" 2 legitimize their existence.

-ol' 2long

Thanks, everyone - I will share what you have said with my lawyer - especially the warning about professional conduct. I don't know if he has already done it, though.

He specializes in family law, and I don't know what he wants to say to them, except how this could affect them legally, I think.

I expressed an interest in writing my H a letter, since he will not talk to me about this, or acknowledge the A in any way. He (H) also threatened me (not physical violence) if I contacted the OWH again. I think this made the lawyer very upset and angry. My lawyer wants to see any letter I write before I give it to him, and perhaps have input in the letter itself. I just want to rebut some statements H made last week, restate my boundaries, and express in writing that I don't want a divorce and that I still love my H very much.

At that time, if he hasn't been to see them, I will discuss it with him.

Thank you all for sharing your advice with me, especially the negative ones. I appreciate it very much, as I certainly need to think about both sides of the issue.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starz:
<strong> He (H) also threatened me (not physical violence) if I contacted the OWH again.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding!!!

The jackpot!!!

Do you see what your H has told you by this threat????

WAT

WAT -

I took this as a breakthrough of sorts. Anger comes from fear, and I felt it was a backhanded way to acknowledge what he had done without saying so. I think it also means that exposure has worked. Is that what you meant?

WAT:

Mixing legal ramifications with moral ones. Despite the way some think it ought to be, our legal system is secular. If you desire someone to deliver a moral admonishment, ask your pastor, priest, clergyman.


Although the atty is a Christian the statement starz made is that he wants to talk to them about the legal ramifications. So I'm not sure we're mixing morals and law.

I like the idea myself - assuming that no ethical violations take place. If starz H has an atty then to approach him directly is completely out of line. But if not? I dunno - isn't this what we're asking people to do with MFD? Get involved? Take a stand?


Frequently on this forum you'll read that you shouldn't get marriage counseling from a lawyer nor legal advice from a counselor.

I'd amend that to say don't take marriage advice from a MC - but I hear the horror stories daily.


Mixing legal and moral advice will likely get you less effective results of both.

Maybe. But hearing good, hard, realistic, legal information about what to expect in a contested divorce? I think more attys should do that.

As your lawyer, he should write a letter to your H outlining the legal potential consequences.

Yeah, that would work too. I like the personal touch but a letter is cool.

He can embellish these all he wants - in the end, the courts will decide what they really turn out to be.

But WAT - you've been through a divorce, you know that most of the horror and ickiness of it is not about what the courts decide - it's about all the nastiness and wrangling that comes before. Seeing your life and your home and your posessions taken apart piece by piece.

Bottom line, IMHO, a really bad idea that has more chance of making things worse than it has to make them better.

Assuming we are not mixing law and morals - why?

C

I want to borrow your lawyer...unfortunatly my WH OW is a "serious" christian...who has tried quoting the bible to me...but obviously she missed the whole 10 commandments....well WH tried telling me that OW was "torn up" over whats been happening and went to her pastor...and her pastor told her it was OK to be with a married man because he ended the relationship with his wife....and he even told her to email me.....I have a hard time believing that a man of god told her it was ok to be with him unless she left out some key information like he's married.....i told WH i wan't the name of this "pastor"....obviously we have some spiritual things to work out...because I as a catholic am not informed on how god veiws divorce and adultry *rolls eyes*

Give US his email! LOL *devilish grin*