My H refuses to continue the traditions we had before the A. Proir to the A we would spend Thanksgiving with my mom (my parents Divorced due to and Affair- go figure) and then we get together with my mom the Saturday before Christmas and then spend Christmas eve with my dad and Christmas day with his parents (still married). He informed me yesterday that he will not be attending any of my side of the famlies get togethers, and that I should not either. My mother and H do not like each other any longer, it is no hidden fact. However I think that they should suck it up for the Hoildays and for the Childrens traditions.
I have already convinced my dad to have his Christmas at my house to give H his home turf, and he wants his parents to come to our house as well, and my mom (keep in mind these are all on three different, very close together days). I told him that was too much work for me to pull off. That and my mom likes having it at her house, and I would prefer it, I have enough going on right now with out hosting 3 x-mas'. I told him I want him to come, but if he was not comfortable he did not have to come with the children and I. He thinks I should stay home and support his feelings. Help what do I do with THIS one?
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<small>[ October 27, 2004, 09:51 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

I'm dealing with one too. DDay for me was 10 days ago, and I asked WH to move out two days after that. Last night my 11 yr old asked me again when he was coming home, and when I told her I didn't know if that would ever happen, then she started asking about what would happen with the holidays. Just crushed my soul to see the bewilderment in her eyes realizing that nothing is going to be the same. We always have his family (like 25 of them) here for Thanksgiving, and then have them all here on Dec 23 for Christmas. So my kids are just now realizing that the holidays are going to be very strange.

Having to tell my kids, that no,Daddy most likely will not be here Christmas morning was really hard. Since DDay I have found out some things that do not make me feel that I want to expose my children to any kind of reconciliation at this pt. I have told them that tho it's very sad, and very hard right now that they have to trust in me that things will work out the best for everyone, and in the end things may be different, but that things will definitely be better.

I think you have to do what feels right for you. As much as I love my husband's family I can't see spending Thanksgiving with them. My children of course, will see them. I do dread the holidays as we have SO many traditions, but I think if the other person isn't willing to joyfully join in with them, then you have to create new ones. Kids know the difference if you're faking it. And I know too, that if two weeks ago someone had told me that I would have survived all that I have learned in the last two weeks, I would have driven them straight to the booby hatch. But, I'm still standing, feeling more hopeful than I have in years. We're all talking about things that should have been talked about long ago. My older kids told me the other day--"Hey, Mommy--you're back--(that I was acting like I did before my youngest was born). And I said, yes, I am back and now your little sister is going to have to get to know a whole new mommy. I am woman hear me roar........lol. I know my dread of the holidays and their possible disappointment will not be as bad as I expect. And I know too that I will handle any upsets by talking with them and reassuring them.

no matter what it has to be better then last year. As H chose OW over his kids and did not show up x-mas eve to open presents and I put 3 little ones to bed crying because their tradition was squashed (I should of let them open them and let the H suffer his consequence instead of the kids). That and not having them on x-mas day was hard too. This year I get them, and I get to share it with my H so I should count my blessings.

I am so sorry to hear about what has happened in your family. However you are coming off relieved that it has happend and that you were almost expecting it and are now rejoyceing, am I missing something?

Hi, KMEJ:
Well, my 2cents. Been married before. ALWAYS had a logistical nightmare for holidays. My family celebrates on Christmas Eve, His family celebrates on Christmas Day. No problem, right? Wrong! I lived 4 hours away with a ferry ride in between. So, trying to get a 10 year old and a 12year old from one place to another without them spending their entire holiday on the road or ferry was difficult.

Can I as a question or 2?
Have you tried to negotiate?
I see you wrote that you thought they should suck it up for the kids traditions. That sounds like an LB because it is not validating his right to feel that way. No judgement-Just his right to feel the way he does. He wants a change. And IMVHO, kids traditions and your own are what you make them.

How about a compromise?
If you can't have the families all together on one day, how about his family with your Dad? And then that just leaves your Mom.

Have you asked what he wants to see happen? Ask him what he will do to help.

Another way of doing this might be to have a potluck dinner. We rotate houses for our holidays now and everyone brings 2 dishes. It is much easier on the cook(s). And, I think everything tastes better. And if you make it buffet style, Even better.

Hey, you could start NEW traditions with your H and your kids that are none of these things. And the kids will love it. Especially if the kids are involved.

Just my thoughts.

KMEJ I am continually surprised by the extend to which " love affairs" frick up the whole fabric of innocent people's lives.

It never occurred to me that A's could comprehensively screw up such innocent activities as holiday plans and other traditions.

I am blessed I think that such will not affect us badly, but I feel hurt that you and others have your family plans dashed in this way.

FTR since my folks both died (mom last in 1999) we have held a family gathering in Mid December where the kids open their presents and family and frinds come around to eat, drink and be merry. Then we go to Florida over Christmas and New year just as a family unit. (though we have been with FWWs sister's family a couple of times too).

Looking back, FWW was urging me to cancel the Xmas holiday because MIL is so ill, but in truth it was so she didn't have to spend 2 weeks with me and without OM.

Thats changed now and she is looking forward to our holiday.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday season despite the shrapnel of affairs messing up your lives !

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He thinks I should stay home and support his feelings. Help what do I do with THIS one?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kmej, have they ever had a good relationship??? Is it just because of the A??

Your H has to realize that there are worldly consequences to his cheating, and family fall out is one of them. Of course your Mom doesn't like the idea of her DD's H cheating.

However, she needs to respect you and your choice to stick with this and rebuild your M. You should set boundaries with her, any opinion not good should be kept to herself. She should treat him with respect and kindness, none of us are free of sin. She is not his judge and jury.

He is your H, your stand should be beside him. If your mother can only see him as the sin he has committed, instead of the man he is and the better man he wants to become, then he should not have to be exposed to it.

POJA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> In my house, my H always has the finally say. We can discuss things, but in the end, he has makes the decision.

I have an over bearing/controlling mother, I have had to set boundaries for her behavior. It works, we are much happier because of it. I enjoy her, and she enjoys us.

The holidays are going to be hard, this will be our first holiday after DDAY, I'm not looking forward to it either. {{{HUGS}}}

Just my opinion on the subject, feel free to completely disregard it, it's been done before. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

KY

Fighting alone again-
Thanks for your response. I will answer some of your questions.
My mom and H use to get along great, until the A. Now they refuse to be in the same room as you. How ever they will when it comes to the kids' birthdays. How is x-mas different?


Yes my H has been complaining for years that we do too much for x-mas, however he onloy wanted to cut back on my side of the family. I do agree that we do too much, having to be at my dad's on X-mas eve until around 9, then we have to either open presents before or after going their (usually by 5:30) and then home bed up Santa, and then off to his parents house by 10:30-11.

I thought we HAD compramised by me convicing my dad to have x-mas eve at our house, not so much running for us. A LOT more work for me, because that is what is going to happen, all the work thrown in my lap. Also apparently HIS family is coming to our house the next day. To me that seems more stressful and less fulfilling then the short drive to either parent. Two meals, keeping house clean. Maybe you can say bah hum bug to me, but really my plate is too full already. I was going to go with it for the sake of H's feelings and request. By the way he does NOT want them to be together, just does not want to do anything with my side. I thought that I was compromising with him, now what am I to do?

Would it be okay to go to my mom's even if he does not go with??? We hold it the Saturday before x-mas to help with the stress. H just has not spoken with my mother since 4-03 and has not been to her house in about 2 years and says that he has not intention of starting.

Having all the families together for the Holiday would be ideal, but probably would not happen. There is so much tension between the families, way more so now after the A. We struggle to get through a 2 hour child birthday party with all 3 sides. Plus my dad insists it is the only holiday he ever asks for and got offended last year when I suggested a change in tradition. So them coming to our house is a huge step.

Maybe I am being unreasonable and not validateing my husbands feelings, is he ever going to see mine? Why can we never find common ground?

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

Well we live in my home state, within an hour to 90 mins of most of my family (Mom's side) - aunts, uncles, cousins, even a grandparent. My family has always been big on Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas get-togethers. We've done it all my life. I remember *one* Christmas spent with my Dad's side of the family.

H is from another state, about 7 hours' drive away. Not a big family get-together kind of guy.

When we married, I thought 'Oh, easy - we'll just visit my family on holidays'.

Problem is, H doesn't *like* crowds, AT ALL. So we POJA this. I go with the kids at Easter, H stays home. Then he'll go with me for Thanksgiving or Christmas, but not both.

I feel really guilty leaving him "all alone" on the holidays but we've done it a couple of years now and we really are happier this way. It sounds terrible, to leave your spouse in an empty house for Christmas day. But he reads, messes with his gifts, relaxes. He really likes it better. Plus I get to visit with my big family, stay as late as I want without feeling like I have to rush off and spare him more "torture" of surviving the crowd.

I think it's a great idea to ask your H what he envisions as a good holiday solution. I'd advise not even responding immediately, but thanking him for his ideas and input and say you're going to mull it over for a while. I know in my case my gut reaction was to reject the notion of leaving H alone on a holiday. So take his ideas away with you and look at them with an attitude of "yes, this really could work!"

Then go back to him with the parts that wont' work for you, and ask him to help you solve the problem: "Hon, I don't want to serve anyone leftovers, but I'm going to have a really hard time cooking TWO turkeys plus all the side dishes - plus I can't figure out what to do with all the leftovers from the first meal. I need some ideas."

Be honest and open minded. Be easy going and flexible. Ask him for his ideas. Listen to him and avoid LBs and knee-jerk reactions.

WAT has said several times on here - when you approach a man, tell him you have a problem and you need his help resolving it. Men LOVE to fix things. Men LOVE to be needed. Men LOVE to solve problems.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong>My mother and H do not like each other any longer, it is no hidden fact. However I think that they should suck it up for the Hoildays and for the Childrens traditions.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ, has your H apologized to your mother for the affair? He really needs to reach out to her and mend this relationship. You can't fix that for him.

As far as going to her house on Christmas eve, I would stick to your plans. There is no reason that you should change your family traditions because he does not want to face the consequences of his affair. You have sacrificed enough, haven't you?

Truly, he needs to act like a man and face the consequences of his affair. You shouldn't protect him from this, nor should you be expected to sacrifice your family in addition to the betrayal of an affair.

Turtle Head- yes most men like to help solve a problem, however my H likes to solve them, he does not want help, he gives you his solution and in his mind case closed. I will attempt to talk to him about it tonight, maybe he will be more open.

Melody Lane-
As far as H saying he is sorry, he was barely able to mutter those words to me, and sometimes takes them back. My mother and H got in a big fight right after this happened, and they have not really talked since, they both decided to hate the other instead. Which leaves me in a terible place. They are both stubborn and both think the other was wrong. I have asked them both to please work it out and they both refuse, stateing that it is the other ones job.

My h beleives that the A was no one elses business but ours, there for they should not know which would have left him no one to apologize too. Again saying it is my fault for the massive gap in the family relationship.

I love H so much, and coming to this board has made me realize more about myself, and how much more of the conflict between my H and I is my fault then I had realized. Thanks for waking me up.

^bumo^
plannning on discussing this with H tonight, could use some pointers !
Thanks

could still use some help on this one. H and I talked about it some, and he will not budge. I am at a loss. I want to see my family for the holidays, however my H says that He and the kids are now my family. I do not see him giving up x-mas with his family.
I want a happy holiday, but not one where I am busting my but and not getting any help.

I want to be able to go to my moms for christmas she has it the week before to help aleiviate the stress, but my H and her do not like eachother anymore and he refuses to go.

What do I do?