I think I have come to a revelation in my life. I think for whatever reason that I came to this board (it was a mistake while doing a google search for something else) there was a higher purpose. I think I need to call my STBXW (WW) and forgive her AND ask for forgiveness. I don't want to be married to her and this I know. I truly don't want to remain married to my WW, however I do not want to hate her. I guess I just realized how much energy hating her takes. I need to heal from this and untill I can forgive her for betraying me I can't move on. I am stuck in this place emotionally and need to move on. I have devoted my life to "healing" and being a doctor while losing a big part of me in the process. I need to get my life back and it just hit me in a flood of emotions tonight. It actually brought me to tears, which is something that has happened only 5 other times in my adult ife. This is a big step for me and I ultimatley don't know if I can do it, but I know I need to. I want to someday have a healthy relationship and want to trulty learn from this failure. I am ultimnately going to admit to my wife my sorrow and sincere hope that she can forgive me for my part in this marriage ending. Unitll recently I never thought I had anything to do with it, I really didn't. I know that many people in my situation are going to think that I should try and "save the marriage", but this is not a mrriage that should be saved. There are no kids, and truthfully I don't want or need to be married now. I want to thank those of you who have helped me (in one way or another by replying to my posts) to come to this decision. My sincere appreciations, thank you all.

First and formost- DO NOT LEAVE THE BOARDS!!!
your insite has been most helpful, at least to me.

I am so glad that God brought you to this board.

I am sorry that your M is ending, I am very sorry for you, yet happy that you can see that in your life that your M is not working for you. That you are able to see past the "what should we do" to "what do I need to do". If you feel ready to be done, and feel you have put your all into your M, then you can walk away with a clear mind.

I do recommend calling your wife, or stbx. It will help you to be able to move on with no regrets. The phone call might be the easiest or the hardest you ever make. Depending on that should help tell you if you are really ready for the M to be over with. Saying those final words to a loved one out loud is a lot different then writing them or thinking them. I have thought them many times, but when it comes to saying them I get scared, and that tells me that I am not ready for them.

I wish you luck. Keep me posted. If you ever need to talk, on or off the boards I am here.

KMEJ:

Thank you for your support. I hope and pray that you can find a solution to your Husbands attitude with spending time with you and your Xmas hopes. I wish I could have a solution for you, If it was a ruptured spleen, I could take that out in 10 minutes, but these situations on this board are so hard to deal with and find answers to. God bless you.

you are such a nice person/man. There is no easy fix for my marriage. I guess it is a good thing I like roller coasters <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The real ride not this one though.

I could go for my spleen removed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> What type of Doctor are you?

Do you have friends and family helping you through this rough time? I hear that helps.

(((lemonman)))

I had just posted on the thread Pep had started to you. I believe God works in wondrous and mysterious ways. He does seem to have brought you here, both to heal and be healed. When we have these realizations about life I believe it is God whispering in our hearts and leading us in His path. You, my friend, have been touched by Him tonight.

You are in my prayers, whether you believe it or not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I hope to continue seeing you here.

FIM

Lemonman,

How long for you to take my heart out? Or maybe my brain and give me one with no memories?

I was just kidding....trying to make a little humor. Don't quit posting. We would miss you.

HINY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HopefulinNY:
<strong> Lemonman,

How long for you to take my heart out? Or maybe my brain and give me one with no memories?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd pay real money if you can figure out how. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

You know your STBXW better than anybody else, but wouldn't it be better if you sent her a letter instead? I ask because a lot of times, hearing a STBXS may not bring out the best in a person and the valuable message may go in one ear and out the other, but a letter gives the person reading it [even though his/her mindset is not the most receptive at the time he/she reads it], the much needed solitude to reflect on the words in it for hours or even days to come and even pave the way for a face to face meeting on the subject. Just my $0.02 worth.

That is good advise. Man to man advise. I am just a lonely woman thinking all you men are great just to be here to try and better yourself and others. Hang in there,

LM the thing that is MOST important - even more than saving the marriage - is that the BS can look back knowing they expored every option to rescue the marriage.

Not all can or should be restored, but I truly believe that every BS should EXAMINE, and DECONSTRUCT the breakdown of their M and fashion a recovery plan to fix those unique problems.

MB is a wonderful toolkit for this, I have found.

In your case you do not have the additional responsibility or shared experience of having children together so that complication is removed from the recovery equation.

It comes down to whether you and your WW have enough compatability and love between you to rejoin and imagine a future together.

Only you know your answer to that.

I wish you very well in your life, and that you live content in your decision.

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 02:18 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

LM,

I am so very happy for you that coming here has been helpful and given you a new outlook on life. I am grateful that you "stopped by" and have contributed your thoughts.

I wish you only the best as you conduct your examination of your life. I think you'll find great peace.

~ Snow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong> I think I have come to a revelation in my life. I think for whatever reason that I came to this board (it was a mistake while doing a google search for something else) there was a higher purpose. I think I need to call my STBXW (WW) and forgive her AND ask for forgiveness. I don't want to be married to her and this I know. I truly don't want to remain married to my WW, however I do not want to hate her. I guess I just realized how much energy hating her takes. I need to heal from this and untill I can forgive her for betraying me I can't move on. I am stuck in this place emotionally and need to move on. I have devoted my life to "healing" and being a doctor while losing a big part of me in the process. I need to get my life back and it just hit me in a flood of emotions tonight. It actually brought me to tears, which is something that has happened only 5 other times in my adult ife. This is a big step for me and I ultimatley don't know if I can do it, but I know I need to. I want to someday have a healthy relationship and want to trulty learn from this failure. I am ultimnately going to admit to my wife my sorrow and sincere hope that she can forgive me for my part in this marriage ending. Unitll recently I never thought I had anything to do with it, I really didn't. I know that many people in my situation are going to think that I should try and "save the marriage", but this is not a mrriage that should be saved. There are no kids, and truthfully I don't want or need to be married now. I want to thank those of you who have helped me (in one way or another by replying to my posts) to come to this decision. My sincere appreciations, thank you all. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lemonman- you have my utmost respect and admiration. What an amazing post. It sounds to me like you have hit a turning point in your life-and I wish you all the best in your future.

LEMONMA ARE u sure you dont want to forgive your wife? I think you still would like to have her as a wife, but maybe all the pressures from people that know about the affair dont let you do what you really want to do! This is your life and if you both love each other, it does not matter who knows or dont know. She made a mistake and if she has realized this and wants her marriage back to be better than before and if you do too, you both deserve to give it a try./
Being a doctor, you should take it as a hopeless illness, that you suddenly found the cure for it.
You still have a lot of anger towards her, but its because you still love her. Its a very short walk from love to anger and viceversa. But it is a longggggggg walk from love to indifference.
Good luck to you LEMONMAN!

MYRTA

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not all can or should be restored, but I truly believe that every BS should EXAMINE, and DECONSTRUCT the breakdown of their M and fashion a recovery plan to fix those unique problems.

I agree with this statement. My d-day was a little over 4 weeks ago. I initially was 100% sure I wanted to save the M. Then I decided that a decision like that should NOT be made when emotions are so high. I did not want to base my decision on whether to end the M or not based on pure emotions. I did what I could. Couldn't get WH to discontinue all C with OW. So now he'll be moving out this weekend. After doing some soul-searching, talking with a GREAT IC and praying, I have come to the realization that this M should not be saved. WH is very selfish and will never be willing to give me what I need/want in this M in order for it to survive. I'm finally okay with the idea too. 4 weeks ago I was TERRIFIED of the thought of WH leaving. Now I'm trying to rush him out the door. (He wanted to stay longer and save some money first...reality kicking in...but I said no.) BUT...I did not TELL him to leave. I did tell him that he could ONLY stay if there was absolutely NC with OW. But he couldn't keep to that agreement. So he's leaving.

So my advice to other BS's is NOT to make THE decision right after D-day while emotions are so high and the anger and hurt is so intense. Go with the idea that you're going to try to save the M and then reevaluate the situation later when you're thinking more clearly. IC is a great idea to help with that. But make sure it's a GOOD IC. I talked to the receptionist at this IC's office and told her EXACTLY what I wanted in an IC and she told me, "yep, that's her!" And she was right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not all can or should be restored, but I truly believe that every BS should EXAMINE, and DECONSTRUCT the breakdown of their M and fashion a recovery plan to fix those unique problems.

I agree with this statement. My d-day was a little over 4 weeks ago. I initially was 100% sure I wanted to save the M. Then I decided that a decision like that should NOT be made when emotions are so high. I did not want to base my decision on whether to end the M or not based on pure emotions. I did what I could. Couldn't get WH to discontinue all C with OW. So now he'll be moving out this weekend. After doing some soul-searching, talking with a GREAT IC and praying, I have come to the realization that this M should not be saved. WH is very selfish and will never be willing to give me what I need/want in this M in order for it to survive. I'm finally okay with the idea too. 4 weeks ago I was TERRIFIED of the thought of WH leaving. Now I'm trying to rush him out the door. (He wanted to stay longer and save some money first...reality kicking in...but I said no.) BUT...I did not TELL him to leave. I did tell him that he could ONLY stay if there was absolutely NC with OW. But he couldn't keep to that agreement. So he's leaving.

So my advice to other BS's is NOT to make THE decision right after D-day while emotions are so high and the anger and hurt is so intense. Go with the idea that you're going to try to save the M and then reevaluate the situation later when you're thinking more clearly. IC is a great idea to help with that. But make sure it's a GOOD IC. I talked to the receptionist at this IC's office and told her EXACTLY what I wanted in an IC and she told me, "yep, that's her!" And she was right.

lemonman:

It's goog 2 hear you talk like that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

One of my favorite 2uotes about forgiveness:

Lewis B. Smedes - "Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve"

"We attach our feelings to the moment when we were hurt, endowing it with immortality. And we let it assault us every time it comes to mind. It travels with us, sleeps with us, hovers over us while we make love, and broods over us while we die. Our hate does not even have the decency to die when those we hate die--for it is a parasite sucking OUR blood, not theirs. There is only one remedy for it. [forgiveness]"

take care, but do stick around!
-ol' 2long

Lemonman, I don't know your story, except for the common bond that brings us all to MB. I just wanted to tell you that you can do it. You can and will get your life back. Eventually you will forgive your W. It might take some time, but you'll do it. Why? Because you want to do it. And if in your heart you know that you and your W should be going your separate ways, then you should. Just be sure it is really what you want.

I hope you keep posting. Recovery isn't just about recovering our Ms, if we are able to. It's about recovery for ouselves, whether our Ms make it or not. Take Care! CV