Hi,

So my parents mentioned that you chat on a site called Marriage Builders. I went on it and spent about 2 hours reading your posts. I feel bad that I have kept you in dark and that seemed to be what was driving you crazy the most..the "not knowing what was in my mind". I'm sorry for that, but if you re-read some of your posts..everytime you hear from me or we meet, you get all excited and think that there is hope for our future. I didn't want to give you false hope, which is why I limited our communication. I thought it would help you move on...out of sight out of mind..but apparently it just made you frustrated. I'm sorry for all the hurt that I have caused you, but one thing you must know is that I am not in a "fog". I am dating, but that person is someone I met AFTER I had made the split from you and she has nothing to do with why I left. I spent several months alone after the split so there was no Other Woman Fog. Also, she does know everything about our situation, so there would be nothing you could expose to her. That is the one thing about that message board that was a bit scary K...You don't want to become a "stalker" as you mentioned in one of your posts. That is not a healthy mindset and you are stronger than that.

Now, as I have mentioned previously, I know we don't have a future together, but I was taking things slow so that you could adjust. I also knew what a physical stress the Ironman was, and didn't want to do anything drastic before your race that might put you in physical danger when trying to compete at that level. However, after reading your posts, it sounds like the being in limbo and not knowing may have been more painful. I want you to be able to move on with your life. And I know that as painful as moving forward with thet divorce will be, it is the ONLY thing that will help you put me behind and move on. This is not something I decided on after reading your posts, but reading them made me realize that I need to communicate better to you. A few weeks ago I contacted a college friend who specializes in family law and I am meeting with her this week to discuss how to proceed with a divorce. I know this will be a hard time, I just ask you to be strong and lean on your friends and family for support. I know they will be there for you.

I wish there was a better time to do all this, but I have a feeling that there is no "good time". It will always be something, whether its the holidays, valentines day, birthdays, etc. Divorce is always hard, but staying in a constant state of limbo and never moving on with our lives would only be harder in the long run.

You are a good person and deserve a good life, and I know you will find it again. People move on everyday and so will you. Be strong. I will let you know how the meeting goes and what I find out on Thursday evening.

Also, please know that I won't go onto Marriage Builders anymore. I want you to have a place you can express yourself freely. Communicating with others is one of the most important things you can do right now.

Take care,
-S

I called him after reading this e-mail because I prefer communication (preferably in person but he is not good at this) in person. I asked him a lot of things I felt relevant about us...things like, what things he felt discontent about in our marriage, what needs he felt weren't being met, what had changed since the day he asked me to marry him, etc. He told me that I am the same person, funny, smart, beautiful, athletic, yada, yada, yada but that he is not in love with me. That he will always be there for me, that he will care for me. That we could never be husband and wife again. He did say that he wished we could have spent more time together...I said, let's do that before we throw the towel down on our marriage. Know that I love you with all my heart and that I want our marriage to work (am crying as I say this). He's like, "I don't think it will work. I have already made my decision." I told him that he never gave us a chance because he kept all his emotions bottled up internally without communicating anything to me, had an affair, kept things bottled up, and then dropped the bomb and left me. Marriage is 2 people and he never let us try to work on things. He apologized and just said that he knew that this was what was best. Apparently, he is off to pick up stuff tomorrow so I guess I have lost my first true love, the person I vowed to spend my life with, the man I still am deeply in love with to divorce. What sucks is that I still really don't know why. I guess I just have to use the great qualities I know I have and start opening up myself to other men...look out bachelors, here I come. Somehow, I am not too excited about this quite yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

ME: 28 yo FW
Him: 30 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years, together 5 years
His Affair: 4 months last fall, ended 1/04; dropped bomb and left me 5/22/04, been separated ever since; he is dating, I am NOT; divorce papers being filed tomorrow <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I ache for you right now. I am so sorry that had to be one of the most painfull letters to read, and even harder conversations to have. It is never easy to lose someone you love. It is even harder when you do not know why. KJ- I wish I had magic words to make this all better. Lean on us here, bend our ear as much as you want or need. We will help you through this. I too do not want to give you false hope however I have heard of worse cases getting to the last step and having the Divorce stopped. Hopefully this will happen for you as well. However do not stop living your life or the real Mr. RIght will come along and you will miss him. Don't put your head in the fog! You are young, have to be in great shape, and if your FH can say that many nice things about you being seperated, you have to be one heck of a great person. WHAT IS HE THINKING?

((((kjb))))

I wish I had the words to ease your pain. I'm praying for you tonight.

I can't stop crying....his mom was crying on the phone with me. My head hurts and I am nauseous all over again...god help me.

{{{{KJB}}}}

Thinking of you, sis.

GC

So sorry kjb23.

Thanks guys...I know I have a hard road ahead of me seeing what an emotional wreck I am right now. I am still struggling with the thought of failing at marriage and feel embarrassed about not being able to succeed at love when my heart if full of it. Fortunately, I do have wonderful friends and family to lean on. I just have to figure out how to trust love again and also have to rebuild my once unscathed view of what marriage is supposed to be. I guess I can hold my head up high knowing that was a good wife who tried everything possible to salvage my marriage , that I am a good person, and that I have a lot going for me. I want so much out of life, absolutely loved being married, and can't wait to start a family with the man I guess I truly am meant to be with...god hope I discover him sooner than later.

Still crying, head hurts like crazy, and I feel like I am going to vomit...I am in for a long night...ugh.

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 30 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years, together 5 years
His Affair: 4 months last fall, ended 1/04; dropped bomb and left me 5/22/04; he is dating, I am not; WH to initiate divorce proceedings tomorrow much to my discontent <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

My exit letter to my WH...

Dear S,

As you know, I am devastated by all of this so bear with me...it has been the hardest 5 months of my life and a very difficult night. One thing that I do ask is that you please continue to help me out with health insurance. I am seeing a puliminologist to get my asthma taken care of. Anyways, I am afraid I won't able to afford it without insurance. It'd also be nice if I can remain under your name for car insurance and Triple AAA memberhip a bit longer as I have travelled a lot for support of friends/family so finances are a bit tight. Thanks.

Know that I will always love you, that I hold no regrets, and that I only have the most wonderful memories of us together these past 5 years. I know I can't change your mind about our marriage so the at least I can do is wish you the best, all the happiness in the world.

Love always,

K

I guess a fat lady must have sung at my wedding because my storybook marriage was cut way too short.

You keep your chin up...there are better Mr Right out there...take your time.

Let WH go if he wants to go. All you have to know is that you have given your best and you tried.

Take Care of yourself.

(((((kjb23)))))

This thread brought tears to my eyes. How terribly sad.

Take care of your health.

I'm sorry ---

Use your family/friends to get you thru this tough time..

If nothing else - your WH is being upfront..he's not dragging this out - giving you false recoveries, etc. I know my saying this doesn't help..but from one who's WH has lied, lied, lied, said he was never going to leave me..etc. Has been a jerk for well over a year now and doesn't want to change but doesn't want to lose $$$ either...
Your WH is if nothing else..is being honest...he's moving on...which is not good news and isn't what you want to hear.. yes, the truth and knowing that they won't even try is hard..But, living a lie isn't much easier..

HUGS...and Healing vibes coming your way....

I feel for you. I'm going through a quite similar experience myself but I have 3 kids that I'm trying to get through this as well.

I'm hardly one to give advice as I have only been separated for 4 months... But like you I do believe in marriage, but I know that it has to take 2 to make a marriage work. You gave it your best shot and if you H is to blind to see what he is giving up then break free. I'm sure he'll regret it later but by then you'll have a wonderful new life!

Be strong and hang in there!

Miker

I feel for you. I'm going through a quite similar experience myself but I have 3 kids that I'm trying to get through this as well.

I'm hardly one to give advice as I have only been separated for 4 months... But like you I do believe in marriage, but I know that it has to take 2 to make a marriage work. You gave it your best shot and if you H is to blind to see what he is giving up then break free. I'm sure he'll regret it later but by then you'll have a wonderful new life!

Be strong and hang in there!

Miker

Thanks all...it was a rough night but when I hit my bed with puffy eyes and a pounding headache, I was knocked out. My dreams were very visual...basically, a trip down memory lane so as I started to wake up, I immediately started to cry again. I need to be careful cuz last emotional blow from WH 5 months ago, I lost 10 lbs and at 100 lbs, I'm afraid I'd be a nasty sight if I'd lose 10 more. I just wish I knew why WH was so content on leaving....got this nice e-mail from WH's mom this morning (which I honestly think is appropriate for all of us BS's)...it is so hard thinking that I won't be able to see them or his family during the holiday season and in regular cycles as I had but I think I will visit them anyways (well, at least when WH is not there):

Dear K,

As tired as I am right now, it's going to be hard going to sleep knowing how much you are hurting. I can't tell you enough how sorry I am that this has happened to you. You deserve so much better/more.

On the otherhand, and for whatever reason, a life with S as your husband was just not meant to be. It's just too bad you had to waste these last years on someone that is not worthy of all you want and have to give.

But,,,,,it's NEVER to late, and you WILL find someone who will be able to fulfill your life dreams, give you the family you desire, and stand by your side through thick and thin. I will always feel bad that S could not be that person. We are just happy that we got to know you as a person, and that, and although he chose not to continue your relationship that you have and will always be a part of our lives.

You wanted so badly to know what was going on in his mind, and now you do. I realize it is not what you wanted to hear, but, it has happened, and it is now time for you to find some closure and move on to bigger and better things. Focus on yourself, and all the things you have to offer anyone/everyone else. Stop looking at pictures and saying what if. Stop blaming yourself for something you had no control over. Live life as the free and happy spirit you were put on this earth to be. Instead of blaming, spend that energy thanking God for giving you all the good qualities you have, and a good healthy body that is strong and pure. Now, go forward with those strengths, and stop looking backwards/over your shoulder. Don't let one person ruin your spirit and zest for life. Be better than that!!!!!

You can do anything you put your mind to. You know that about yourself. So-----put your mind to better use. We love you dearly, and as you know would do anything for you, but this is something we can't fix. That is something only you can do. I will always be here for you, but, now I'm going to be more of a cheer leader. Prompting you to clear your mind of this one negative thing and focus on ALL the positives you have going for you.

I know this is a very hard time, and I do have great empathy, but I'm going to direct it towards you moving forward rather than continuing to focus on the what if's and how comes. You are a very sweet, caring, sincere, smart, strong young lady with a lot of spunk, and it's time you fight for what is rightly yours: being happy with who YOU are, and sharing your life with someone who will appreciate you for who and what you represent.

S is not the person you thought or hoped he was. You now know that, and once and for all you have to realize that you will be better off without him. Of course this will all take time. A broken heart does not heal easily. But.....you WILL heal, and you will be happy again. Happier than you could ever imagine. I could swear on a Bible and promise you that much about you and your life in the future. So...have faith. I'm an old lady, and very wise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I just wish I could hold some of the heavy load you are carrying on your back right now to help you out a bit. Hopefully, knowing we are and always will be here for you will help just a little.

K...you're a fighter! So fight this battle with yourself and win. Knock that one obstacle that is holding you back out of the ball park and move forward to win the race. You CAN and WILL do this. It's a mindset, and it's time to change the focus. Once you get that part, you are on your way. I promise.

Again, and as always, I will always be here for you.

Take care, and take a moment to be positive about who YOU are!

Love, P

kjb23,

As far as your insurance goes , California law Divorce petition prohibits the cancelling of any health insurance until FINAL decree. This should give you a lot of time by argueing who gets what fork. I know that doesn't help much but get a lawyer to tell you where you stand financially.

My prayers go with you.

K - what a great letter from your MIL (XMIL?)! My MIL doesn't know yet (WH is moving out this weekend - MIL doesn't even know about the A yet either) but SIL knows (and is TICKED - WH doesn't know she knows yet, though). I said something about, "It wouldn't bother me if you guys disown WH so I can remain part of the family," and SIL said, "you will ALWAYS be part of our family." That was one of the first things I thought about when realizing D was a good possibility, not being part of WH's family. We've been M 15 years and together 18 1/2 years. I'm VERY close to his family.

No matter what happens, your WH's family is YOUR family now too and always will be. I realize it will be harder to maintain a R with them, but make it work. I plan to. I can't imagine not being an aunt to my nephew and nieces anymore. I hope they will always consider me their aunt. Cuz I love those kids!!

SW-Sorry to hear about your situation...I'll keep you in my prayers. I swear to god statistics and hearing all these stories I was once immune to really scares me...I hate dating too. I have always been the one to end a relationship if I knew it wasn't going to lead anywhere...that is why my relationship with WH was so special. I had never felt love for a man and he had never loved a woman like he had with me which is why he asked to marry him after only 9 months of dating...called me the "one" to his parents a couple months into our relationship. Now it is all over and I cannot think about starting with someone else and having the same heartache down the road...nor can I fathom having another wedding with another family involved....I already had a wedding, I already have two families that I love dearly...ugh, this is so hard.

Cymanca-I already asked WH about this. I also told him I didn't think it was fair that I pay for a divorce I didn't believe in or want and he agreed to pay for that. As for other stuff, I already gave him a large chunk of my money earlier in the summer to help him pay for his new bachelor pad and we have split our goods so he is not looking for anything else from me. In fact, he send me this e-mail this morning.

K,

No worries on the insurance. I don't think once the divorce is final I can keep you on my coverage, but I think in CA it's not final for at least 6 months after you file. So you will be well into your busy season and rolling in the dough!! You may want to just ask around about insurance just so you have an idea of what you need to do when to time comes. It will be easier to look at options now while you are slow and decide on one, then it would be when you are super busy with work 6-8 months from now. You don't have to get any right now, but maybe in a few weeks just do some research on what your options are.

-S

WH's and my extended family don't know anything is wrong between WH and I...how do I break the news??? This is so sad because I am so used to sending out a very upbeat, happy Christmas letter with news of what has been going on in WH and my life...in fact, I always get compliments about this letter. Obviously, I cannot send one out this year...I have some good to report on my end but I am afraid the collapse of my family kind of mutes the other positive things going on in my life right now. Anyone have any advice as to how to break the news without putting a damper on the holiday spirit...the last thing I want is a bunch of people feeling sorry for me over the holidays. I was thinking of just posting a very simple e-mail so I can avoid confrontation when I come home without WH. Oh god...here comes the tears again. I don't know how I am going to get through the holidays like this.

-K

Where was it that I read about "feeling pain like a child"? I think it was in the relationship discussions at iloveulove.org - one of 2long's other residences.

KJB, pain is part of life. Everybody gets it. Yours is not fair, but that's not unusual. I don't mean to trivialize it, shoot. I'm in a similar boat.

It shouldn't be happening. You don't deserve it. It is unjust. Your H is foolish to give up. And it's happening anyway.

You've said you loved being someone who hadn't been around the block too many times. You were an innocent, safe in the protection of a loving family. But now you know you weren't safe. There's a great value to that knowledge.

it's very hard to stay protected all your life. Most people can't pull of such a trick.

Except for townies. The occasional townie manages it.

You're taking a turn at receiving some pain and wisdom. You may take another some day. We all do. How good your life is, is not a question of whether or not you get the pain. It's how you come through it.

And those are my cheap pearls (that anybody could have given you).

GC

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your inlaws. I too have a good relationship with my inlaws (in fact better than my W's with her own parents) and its still good despite what's happened.

I think its because of how I treated them and how I've acted through this crisis. I hope to still maintain a relationship with them after this is all done, as they still are a big part of mine and my children's life.

Its sounds like you are doing all the right things. Keep up the good work.

Miker